Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armee]

Thank you san for your professional perspective on that. I will ask him next time if we can just go with that....the 1 and the 7. It's good for me to disagree and get frustrated. He's a cognitive therapist by years of training and experience and he's trying to help me defeat the negative thought that causes suffering. But in this case of reliving a memory from my teen years, the thought that caused me the panic was "I'm responsible." It's not a negative thought. It was reality. I was responsible because I was the only other person home. It was objectively a frightening overwhelming situation. But it was also true it wasn't my responsibility, because kids can't be responsible for that, morally and philosophically. Trying to get me to defeat the thought that I'm responsible is just denying the reality I was in and telling the part of me that believes that 100% that it is wrong and needs to stop it. In the end I got to the middle through the EMDR processing when the thought that arose was "I was responsible but I never should have been put in that position." It let's both be true. It brings the 2 separate beliefs together.

Now I have us down this rabbit hole maybe because it is safer than the other rabbit hole. I think my brain plays this game where it leaks out a little bit of trauma from one bucket and then covers it up and distracts me with the other one. It's all out of my control but this pattern keeps playing. To keep the control with me T doesn't bring up the other rabbit hole unless I do. I meant to ask him about the other rabbit hole but I didn't.

[sanmagic7]

"I was responsible but I never should have been put in that position."

this speaks volumes to me.  it's something i can relate to in so many instances, and really does cover both beliefs.  thanks for sharing it.  very brave of you to get to this.  i give you so much credit, armee.  you are working it to the depths.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

  I've been away for a few months. I read the last couple pages of your journal.

The 1 and 7 of responsibility makes sense to me. Children tend to feel fully responsible for things (7). The adult brain knows that a child is not responsible (1). For me, the feelings of "my fault" can be slowly transformed to knowing in my heart and mind that it wasn't my fault, but hearing over and over that it wasn't my fault. Most of that is still in process for me.

[Armee]

I had a funny realization tonight.  Not that my bar is really this low, it isn't. But I had the thought while I was brushing my teeth that I must be a pretty ok mom because my kids have never had to eat or even think about eating toothpaste to fill their tummies.

I have a feeling if I told them this they would not feel as convinced that this is a sign of half way decent parenting.

Therapy appointment tomorrow. I probably need to bring up the fact I'm planning on dropping out of the workforce.

TW CSA no details

And a few weeks ago um he acted like I had told him that I had been molested and asked if I had told anyone else and if I had told my husband and how it's a lot to carry alone for all this time and stuff.
Normally he does not jump to conclusions like that like when I've told him about disturbing body reactions and nightmares and hallucinations he's had a more balanced response kind of like well let's talk about what's upsetting about that...let's see what unfolds... etc. This one his reaction was so different. It was decisive and very empathetic and serious. And we haven't talked about it since. That was probably 3 weeks ago. I've been ignoring it. On the one hand I do think these things are signs that something probably happened and on the other hand I don't think anything happened and think I'm just anxious and causing these reactions to happen because I'm anxious and then I feel very guilty and ashamed that he was acting empathetic.

[rainydiary]

Armee, what comes to mind when I read your post: you offer such care and compassion on this board.  I think you learned a lot of what not to do growing up and are making your way the best you can.  I wish you well as you contemplate and approach difficult conversations. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, one thing i've learned here is that if you have a reaction, a disturbance, there's something behind it.  you are not making it up, it's there in some shape or form.  it's not your fault but the fault, shame and blame of someone else.  it's their burden, it's on them.  this has been extremely helpful for me.  as we say in the biz 'go with that'.  you may not be ready for a full realization yet, or to bring it to your consciousness but with patience and time, it'll appear when you're ready.  your T believes something happened, too, from his reaction, his empathy.  it's ok, armee.  love and hugs   

[BeeKeeper]

armee, one thing i've learned here is that if you have a reaction, a disturbance, there's something behind it.

San says it well, same here.

Sounds like you are a "pretty OK Mom" : provided & cared for them, developed trust & enjoy each other. That's the best.

[Armee]

Thank you San and Bee and Rainy. It's a weird place to be in this halfway point of knowing and not knowing. I sort of brought it up in therapy yesterday but not really fully and not in the right way so I don't really have mental resolution about his reaction to what I shared previously except that he seems to still hold that opinion professionally.

I also talked to T about leaving work and how it was definitely a combination of healthy things like wanting to be a mom and wanting to be home for school breaks and stuff and partially avoidance and shame and the PTSD stuff.

His guidance was whatever I chose I had to choose it with kindness to myself and not shame. He also talked about having different expectations in being kind to myself like how someone with a physical disability needs to have different expectations and not be hard on themselves for not being able to do everything as easily as someone without that disability. I'm probably butchering how he worded it but my takeaway was that it is ok to give myself a break. That I have been working much harder than your average human to function. I've made modifications like working part time at a flexible job but really it is still too much because my shame keeps me pushing at 3000%.

I also had a harsh sad realization while talking to my hubby about it. That while I do get fulfullment from my job...I'm a top performer at something that is very meaningful and important...doing well at work...getting praise, etc. It fills me with shame and makes me feel BAD. But doing mediocre work also fills me with shame. It should be possible for me to do this and not feel like garbage but right now, it isn't. And I just need to accept that while I keep working on getting better that right now, I am like this and it is exhausting and harming me, even though having a fulfilling career and doing well at it should not be a harmful thing. Wow. I feel really sad writing that.

Anyway I thought that conversation would go differently. I dread when I have the conversation with my bosses and coworkers who are both colleagues and friends. I'll just say I want to be a mom for awhile. But they will say well just work your part time schedule and do less. How do I explain that anything is too much? That the person they see as a super performer is...well...someone who can't do any of it right now, who cannot work less or perform less out of deep deep shame and belief that I am a stupid chaotic imposter? That I'm in this box with no way out even though for them you just simply let down a side of the box and continue on. These are people who will accommodate me to every last degree possible. How do I say there's no degree of accommodation that makes this ok? I don't say any of it. I want to be a mom. Only. Just. Not in the diminishing sense of the word but in the sense that it is one discrete role.

I don't identify with the descriptions of  DID* and yet I can't do transitions, I can't do multiple roles. I literally have to disappear into the bathroom like Clark Kent and shower and change to go from one persona to the next. Waking to mom to worker to caretaker to mom to bed. I waste so much water. And mixing roles so much during the pandemic...remote school for the kids and work and cooking and dealing with dr. calls all without stopping and putting on the right hat? That is not for me. I remember when I would commute I would literally feel like I was disintegrating and floating away as I switched from home to work and work to home.

* I will say though, the way Janina Fishcher describes her cases in the DID chapter of her book resonated 100%. I don't really know what to make of that. But I don't feel like distinct personalities who operate outside of awareness. Just distinct roles and trouble switching into them.

[Larry]

 

[sanmagic7]

armee, it sounds exhausting.  i think acceptance of selves and how we are in any given moment is truly difficult.  the expectations from others weighs heavily and plays a big role in making decisions concerning self-care, what is ok for us, what might be frowned upon by others. 

i have no doubt you will figure it out for yourself.  just so you know, i'm am here, supporting you, no matter which direction you chose.  i hope you can be gentle with yourself, as caring to you as you are to others.  sending love and a hug filled with acceptance and peace.

[Armee]

 

Hi Larry. Good to see you here. Thanks for saying hi.

[Armee]

Thanks San. As always you are spot on. It really is the expectations of others that weigh heavily. Thank you for the support. I know what I need to do. It's just a matter of feeling good about it and saying it. And not letting the shame sneak in so much.

[Larry]

you are an amazing person Armee,  thank you for sharing and being here, 

[Armee]

Aw thanks Larry. Interesting it is far easier to take compliments here than in real life.

I made my final decision. I am leaving the workforce! Wow. So weird. I've worked since I was 11. This will be challenging for my sense of worthiness and shame but I think it'll be ok. I'll start telling my bosses early next week and then work on organizing my files and closing out different matters slowly. I guess it'll take about a month part time. I feel a little stressed but mostly relieved. And happy. Except I have a hormonal migraine. Go away!!!

[Larry]

so happy for you ! you deserve this !  i feel like good things are coming your way !