Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armee]

I'm mostly feeling good but also there's a bit of guilt and shame about leaving...mostly people who I know are struggling too and my leaving may put even more pressure on them. But I feel very comfortable for once doing what I have to do for myself.

Its like even in this decision I have 2 parts. One part is basing the decision on being there for my kids, physically and mentally. And that is the part that made a clear solid emotional but logical choice. The other part is the part that is quitting in shame. It's the part that knows I am leaving because I can't live up to the expectations, because I'm not really smart or competent and I can't keep doing this and its killing me. That part feels so so so much relief that I just get to be me. I don't need to pretend to be anyone else. I don't need to worry about people thinking I'm smart when I'm not. Or calling me an expert when I'm not. Or giving me praise and awards that I don't deserve. There's so much relief that I just need to be one person. Me. I can be a mom. That's me.

Last night I needed a second shot of whiskey and the thought was "things are getting to close to the surface and I don't want them to be close." And I never know if I am making that stuff up or if it's a true voice coming up. But certain symptoms were showing up and it made them go away. But it was a choice to make it go away not an automatic thing so i think that is good, -ish.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate you sharing about your journey of entering a new phase.  I have been having a lot of questions myself of late now that I am not working and coming up with few answers.  I'm glad to have a fellow traveler on this path. 

[Not Alone]

I've often felt like my mom wasn't my mom. Which of course makes sense when you think of how parentified I was and how vacuous she was when she wasn't screaming. But more than that it didn't even feel like I came from her. I know I did, biologically.

But as I sorted through photos and ended up finding only 1 with her before I was 4 months old but lots of photos of other family members holding me, my grandma and sister giving me my first bath...I realized she really wasn't my mom those first few months when we apparently lived with my grandparents. She might have been there I'm not honestly even sure she was but she was not the one caring for me. It was my beloved grandma and my 4 yr old sister and my aunts and uncles. And then she took us from there and moved us away from them. My mom wasn't really my mom and she took me away from the person who mothered me. It makes a bit more sense now.

Armee, this seems like a big realization to me. 



Like others, I feel anger at the EMDR expert. He should have listened to you and attuned to you instead of trying to make you fit into his box. I.e., he should have heard what "3" meant to you and just gone with that.

i think he was wrong for trying to change how you felt (or didn't feel), trying to change what you knew to be ok for you, how you are, etc.  i am totally pissed at him for you     cuz it sounds like bullying, denying you and your feelings, and manipulation.  i don't care how many years this guy has been in the field, how many clients he's had - i believe him to be wrong in how he worked with you in this case.


much love and a hug filled with you did nothing wrong.

For a professional to argue with a client that their answers are wrong is just..  You aren't wrong about what you are observing in yourself! How can you be?

If there is anything I have learned is that what we need is for a therapist to be attuned to us. For them to truly listen to us, be curious about us, and to work with us if something isn't making sense to them.

I hope you can internalize that you didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't listening to you or attuned to you, and that's supposed to be his job.

[Larry]

HI Armee,  I hope you are having a great day,  thank you for always being here for me and so many others.  I would like to return the support,  i just don't know how.  I'm not good at thingslike that. 

[Armee]

Thanks for saying hi, Larry! You don't need to know the right thing to say. It just feels nice knowing there are people here who care and get me.

Not Alone, thank you for the validation. It helps.

[Larry]

 

[Armee]

We were having rare torrential downpours here today and my home is surrounded by trees that like to topple in those conditions. I don't have anxiety for myself but for my kids.

As I was laying in bed this morning I was playing with my memory and trying to see what I could remember and how far back. One thing I realized was that I have memories from preschool...not a lot but some.

I remember the outside of our apartment complex and playing there with other kids...just spatial orientation and facts as usual for me. I remember the layout of the complex where I'd play with other kids, but all I can recollect of where we lived there was that there was like a little corner or alley you'd turn from the main part where we'd play outside and then nothing. I don't know how deep in I'd go, where our door was, or what the layout of the apartment was, or anything that happened there. That wouldn't be strange to not have memories from that age except I have the memories of the neighborhood. Which I think just indicates to me that I had already begun dissociating by that age. Go home, shut off. Like I remembered that I had overheard a family who was moving was going to leave their cat behind locked in their house so our family stole the cat before they moved. I remember where their apartment was.

Anyway, nothing hugely revelatory but just another small piece of the puzzle. Not a corner piece. Just a nondescript middle piece.

[Not Alone]

Anyway, nothing hugely revelatory but just another small piece of the puzzle. Not a corner piece. Just a nondescript middle piece.

I understand and have used the analogy of puzzle pieces myself. Sometimes the nondescript piece lead to/connect to other pieces that show more of the picture. 

[Larry]

It was nice of you to save the cat !  I appreciate you sharing your experience

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
You were kind to save the cat.  I agree with Larry about that.

You were thinking about your memories of places, and I wondered if you've ever tried googling the addresses of past places you've lived?  I've done that with my previous addresses, and you can often get a street scene of the place, which for some very young memories has been useful for me.  I wanted to just share that - incase you might find that helpful to do. 

I've also thought of jigsaw pieces regarding memories too.  Glad you've been able to find some pieces.

Hope 

[Armee]

Thank you Not Alone, Larry, and Hope. Hugs if they are comfy. 

I have been spending the past 2 days telling my colleagues I'm leaving. During video meetings. It's been awful and sad. I know this sounds like humble bragging. It is not. This is my most painful entrenched life altering cptsd symptom.

I am so deeply ashamed of myself and so deeply believe that I am stupid no good worthless that the outpouring of praise and compliments and bemoaning of losing me...it hurts deeply. It makes me dig my nails into my hands offscreen. It makes me shrink and then I go into the bathroom and dissociate for an hour instead of parenting. This is what I am running away from. This is what I can't handle.

I am grateful there is a valid noble reason for leaving my job...the one I use when I tell people I am leaving...to be a mom. But it is only 1/3 of the reason. The other 1/3 is PTSD induced exhaustion and then 1/3...or 5/6th... is the deep shame and how badly I feel when people acknowledge my work and contributions which is almost every meeting even when I'm not leaving.

This causes me so much pain because it's not how I see myself. I thought I had it figured out. I thought it was that when people would praise me I'd feel like a fraud but then need to work harder to not let people down and then working harder would make me exhausted and then I wouldn't function at my top ability and then I'd feel like more of a fraud and work harder and get more praise ad nauseam rinse, repeat. But that should have stopped once I announced I was quitting. No more pressure to work harder, so praise should no longer be well...traumatizing. But it is.

Now I'm left scratching my head and frankly horrified and stunned at the depth of this issue. I am leaving a fantastic job because I can't handle doing a good job because of the praise and I can't handle doing a mediocre job. I can't even over state how great this job is. These people are loving, supportive, kind, family. My work is meaningful and I am good at it. And my CPTSD has me running away from that. I have tried for the past 3 years to solve this problem. I finally realized I can't solve it in the near term and can't keep working because of the impact of the shame and exhaustion on me. If ever there were a time for a deeply exhaled 4 letter word in my posts, this is it. What is wrong with me?

[sanmagic7]

 

[Larry]

i wish i knew what to say,    just hoping you feel better. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

Thank you for the hug, Sam Magic.