Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Not Alone]

Armee, I hear your anguish.  As I read your post, this picture came into my head. It is my story, so I deeply apologize if I am off base in connecting to what you wrote. I will write it in first person. Maybe it will help a little bit with your question of "What is wrong with me?"

The picture in my head is of a person, who, in the inner most part is dark, dark black (shame & guilt). Going further out from the middle of the person are colors. The outer most part of the person and extending out from the person are bright, vibrant colors. Others see those colors. For me, they praise those colors, but I feel and see the inner black. Sometimes I think, "If you only knew."

There are others who know about some of the black, but they don't see ME as the black. Confusing. My therapist knows many details of the black, but he sees them as black, not me. Very, very confusing. Just this week in session, he was telling the 6-10-year-old Part that he saw her as good and reminded her about him holding her hand the week before. She said that was before she told him what she had told him that day. He said he felt the same and asked if he could hold her hand. She said no, not out of fear, but out of shame.

Over time, some of the black inside, has, at the very least, turned to gray. Still a lot of dark black left.

Armee, I feel for you and am sorry for the turmoil you are experiencing. Sending lots of compassion to you. 

[Armee]

Not Alone. Thank you for hearing my anguish. I was really feeling that way and felt so stupid for complaining about feeling valued. Wow. Woe is me.

But the picture you painted of your own experience feels very much true for me, too. I very much feel everytime someone says something good about me "NO! You don't know me, you don't understand! LOOK! I'm bad and stupid!" And then they think they need to tell me even more how good and smart I am and then it's like even a bigger lie forms so I gave up trying to convince people. Then I feel more like a fraud because I'm just letting their praise come and be because I've given up trying to convince them they are wrong and it backfires and makes everything worse.

Sigh. I'm relieved to have a break. I'm joyful to be able to spend time just being a mom. It's going to be good. I just am feeling angry that the shame is so powerful that I had to leave such a good thing. I've tried for 17 years to make it work. It just got worse and worse. I tried working on it in therapy and doing what T suggested and still it made it worse and worse. And I couldn't really face it. I could do really awful difficult things in therapy, but not this.

So thank you, for giving me an image to work with. I still very much thing that darkness is me. That it is true and the colors people are seeing are just lies. I'm not sure where the dark comes from though. I know I dissociate and that makes me feel stupid. I know I've had insomnia and that makes me ineffective. I just don't know though. The shame is so deep.

Your T is right though...it the things that happened to you that are dark. Not you. You have offered so much empathy and compassion for everyone here. I see only the colors from you, Not Alone.

[dollyvee]

  We don't have to be assaulted physically or sexually, it's enough to have been repeatedly emotionally abused or neglected.  In the end that's what it all comes down to, what the abuse does to us emotionally, to our sense of self-worth, trust, safety, etc.

Hi Armee,

I was reading your journal and this stuck out for me and wanted to echo what Kizzie said that your trauma doesn't have to look like someone else's trauma - it's very real to you and that's what's important. Recently I learned that the development of PTSD is not about the excessive nature of what happened - how violent etc, but related to the unpredictable nature of how it happened. Being little and having someone blame you for their behaviour and suicide attempts sounds very traumatic.

I also think your having two numbers is very interesting. I get this too when my T asks about a number for EMDR and usually I have two answers. I know that I have some mild (?) dissociation as well...maybe they're linked. I'm sorry that your T glossed over this (and your feelings!) to have it fit their narrative.

Hope you are feeling more settled.

dolly

[Not Alone]

That it is true and the colors people are seeing are just lies.



Your T is right though...it the things that happened to you that are dark. Not you. You have offered so much empathy and compassion for everyone here. I see only the colors from you, Not Alone.

I believe that the colors people see in you are true, even though they don't see the darkness that you feel. Interesting (and boy do I understand), that you see the colors in me, not the dark.

[Larry]

HI Armee,  I hope you have a great day !

[sanmagic7]

hasn't it been said that we see ourselves in other people?  that thought struck me as i read about others seeing colors in you at the same time you see colors in them.  i agree that the black is with those people who have abused us, no matter what form it takes.  it certainly doesn't have to be physical - i'm learning the extent of trauma, its chokehold on my life and how it's distorted my ability to think positively about myself, and i didn't go thru physical abuse of any kind.  i've often said to my T that physical abuse seems like it would have been easier for me to see and process than the emotional abuse and neglect.  these last two have nearly killed me several times.

i am also a firm believer that the amount of shame we carry correlates exactly to the amount of shame that truly belongs to the others in our lives who have hurt us so.  shame on them for what they did, said, or didn't do or say.  they're the ones who deserve that darkness of shame for their words and actions, not us.  not you.

i believe you'll eventually be able to see this once you're ready.  it may not be time for you, yet, but you're working hard and i think you're moving in a healthy direction.  sending love and a bunch of support surrounding you with a safety net of peace.   

[owl25]

Hi Armee, this sounds so difficult. CPTSD is a beast and it makes us lose things that are so important to us. I hope you can try to find some compassion for yourself. There isn't anything wrong with you. While I don't know the specifics of your story, I am sure it makes complete sense that you feel the way you do given your past experiences. There is a reason for your feelings as they are. I hope that with time you'll be able to return to your job, and that until then, you'll be able to focus on healing the parts of you that are so burdened by shame and pain. 

[Armee]

I feel so much gratitude for the kind words you all offer to me here, empathy and understanding. Thank you, truly.

I haven't written much this week. I think I'm a bit afraid that I will trigger someone and I don't know how to share enough without too much.

I tend to have disturbing  images of a recurring theme and it is the only thing I get images of. It's devoid of content just one object stripped of everything around it. Anyway it happened most recently last weekend and I wasn't sure if it's like attention seeking from my T or freaking myself out (just anxiety) or a flashback.

In a way it doesn't matter. And in a way saying it doesn't matter is pretty dismissive to myself.

Work has been sad. I had my performance review last week. I thought I was off the hook and it would just be signing a paper and then we'd just focus on the process for resigning. But it was more of the same. Praise that feels over the top but everyone swears they are holding back because they know I don't like the attention. I was grateful that me and my boss were not on video just audio for the meeting. I sat there and silently sobbed. Why does praise feel like I am being beat? It is painful. I just don't understand myself.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I had many thoughts whilst reading what you wrote, so I thought I'd just share them, but of course they are just reflections that went through my mind - please disregard anything that doesn't make sense.  I wanted to say that I admired the fact you were able to attend your performance review, and whilst I can see how emotional it was for you, I think that's understandable.  I have never been able to have a proper ending in relation to my own work situation, and endings are triggering to me, so to hear someone talk about their emotions on ending and having a performance review, that is huge.  When you spoke about silently sobbing, and the painful feeling of receiving praise, it made me wonder whether maybe it hurts more because what might motivate people to do well in work situations, might be to gain praise that isn't necessarily the people around, but something deeper, or people from the past, or something else entirely, but maybe it hurts that the feeling is felt, and you can't pinpoint why it hurts - but it really means something.

Those images you've had, I'm glad you wrote about the fact that happened, as it is acknowledging that something does matter to part of you, that it is a communication that is meaningful at some level.  I agree that saying it doesn't matter might be dismissive to that communication.  But you haven't done that, you've acknowledged it.

(I'm sorry I'm writing so much here, but I related to what you said, and just wanted to share my thoughts)

You said you hadn't written much this week, and that you were a bit afraid that you might trigger someone and you didn't know how to share enough without too much.  I think it's your journal, and whatever you write is important, and that you should be able to share.  When I share something, and I fear it might trigger someone, I often write the words **Trigger warning before whatever I'm going to write, and that way someone can decide whether or not to continue to read.  If I can describe what the content might be of the trigger, I'd say it, but sometimes I don't know, and so just put 'trigger warning (not sure what I'm going to say, but might be triggering).

I want to send you a hug Armee, if that's ok    I am glad that your colleagues have appreciated your work, and that they clearly hold you in esteem and I feel sure they'll be sad that you're leaving.  But most of all, I hope that you're ok, and taking some time (if you want to of course) to do whatever would help you best to spend time this weekend. 

Hope 

[Armee]

I really appreciate you sharing so much, Hope. It helps me think through things and feel heard in a respectful empathetic way. Thank you. And I like hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

i totally agree with hope that this is your journal, to be utilized by you for your recovery.  i've used *trigger warning* several times in my own journal.  like in real life, we don't know what might trigger someone, what might cross a boundary for someone, or how someone may react to what we do or say.  i believe these journals are one tool we can use to help ourselves.  we may be wounded in various ways, but we are all adults.  please, write what's helpful for you.  even if we can't read a certain passage, we can still be supportive of you and what you're going thru.

as far as that image goes, i think it would be a good one to target in therapy.  personally, i don't think it matters why it's there, only that it is, and it deserves resolution.

wishing i could bring you in for a gentle caring hug.

[Armee]

Thanks San. That gentle caring hug is truly felt even though it in writing.

[Larry]

Hi Armee,  i always have a hard time trying to say something helpful,  just want you to know that i support you and hope you have a great day.

[Hope67]

 

[Armee]

The simple hellos are very nice Larry. You don't need to say anything unless it comes to you and feels safe for you.

Thanks for the hug Hope!

Had a doozy of a therapy session today. It was intense but also I think we both kind of nailed it as far as dipping in and then grounding, pushing things a bit but not too far. It was one of those sessions where I really feel like we have the right fit.

Laughing is how I keep from dissociating so we use humor a LOT. My T pushed me gently along to talk about the disturbing image and body sensations. I would have avoided it and in the past he would have waited for me to ask to work on it and I'm glad he brought it up himself.

We did some flash EMDR on it and at one point I dipped into remembering about the image and immediately got hit by a strong wave of nausea and backed right out of the memory of the image and then started dissociating a lot.

So T started joking about projectile vomiting and showed me the clip from Stand By Me with the barf-a-rama. Most people maybe that would be a therapeutic faux-pas but for me it's just what I need to start laughing hysterically. So I'm feeling really grateful. Also for how he is handling the uncertainty which is less uncertain and more missing in detail and memory. I pretend it is uncertain. Um. I'm not sure about that. Huh.

Anyway, I ended up in the end just dissociating during the flash stuff and we stopped. And as I was driving home and at home I got really upset and started hitting things. But I didnt hurt myself or beat myself up mentally so I think that is good. To feel what must be anger.