Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, armadillo,

in my travels thru life and therapy, i've noticed that people usually compare themselves to either feel better or worse about themselves.  so many of us here have done the comparison thing, including myself.  my abuse wasn't the same as that toward others, but it nonetheless influenced my decision-making about myself and with relationships negatively.  yeah, there's a lot my parents never directly said to me, but their actions and behaviors determined my beliefs about the world and myself in it.

you once asked me how to get in touch with those missing feelings, and it sounds like you're doing exactly what you needed to do to retrieve them.  well done!     i know it can be difficult to realize what these emotions mean at times, why they're there, the root source that caused them to pop up, but speaking about that little bit of anger you felt and following it to its source showed a lot of determination to find your truth.

i think you're doing really well with all this.  step by step, right?  love and hugs, my dear.

[Jazzy]

This is absolutely beautiful; I love what you've said about 2D and 3D. You're right, an entire dimension was missing before.

While it's great that you're starting to feel and see and experience much more, be ready, because it's a lot and it might feel overwhelming at some point. I've always found slow, purposeful action with intent and precision to have better results than going fast. I'm "still" more emotional than I'm comfortable with, but I'd rather be over emotional than under emotional like I was for so many years.

Great job on all your hard work, and I'm so happy to hear the good results are coming in.

[Armadillo]

Haha! I feel like a little kid!!!! (In a good way, not like literally in a dissociative way).

Freeways and overpasses and bridges make sense now! Roads don't just appear out of nowhere! I feel like I've been plopped down in a lego world that has structure and makes sense and connects to everything else.

And what a trip!!!! I drove straight to my grandparents house! The last time I was there was about 33 years ago. I had no idea where I was going but I didn't make a wrong turn I just drove there. I get lost going to the same store I go to every week! Thank you brain!

[BeeKeeper]

Fantastic news Armadillo! 

Making it to your safe place-outstanding. You're on your way to more navigation like this. Stay the course. 

[Jazzy]

Wow! This is heartwarming to read! I'm so happy for you Armadillo! 

[Armadillo]

On the continued awesome side of things: my brain is trying to form some imagery when I lay down for a nap or before bed or first thing in the morning. Just these faint landscapes that are things I've seen with my new visual perspective. They are very faint but in 3D with space and depth and rotation. I can't believe I might be able to fix this stuff. I still can't close my eyes and will an image like say my kid's face or my house but this is a fantastic start.

On the less great side there was too much intrusion by my mom the past week and I really started feeling trapped and triggered again. Not long ago I saw her multiple times a week and I thought maybe I could just make it once a week, or maybe once a month, but now I'm seeing how terrible I feel at the mere thought of seeing her once every 3 months for 5 minutes. I can't do it. And I feel awful because I "should" be able to. I should have gotten healed by now. I should be able to just suck it up. But I can't. And I don't know what to tell my kids. And I can't think of a solution that works. So I just keep ignoring the problem. 

Part of me wishes I had stronger memories so I could really see and feel where this comes from and either defeat it or accept it. I could point to something undeniably awful and worthy of walking away.

The truth is though it isn't an issue of the past, I forgave her that stuff when it happened. It's that I haven't healed the PTSD yet and just being involved in her life is a new trigger every single time and my brain breaks. My body breaks. I dissociate and can't be the mom I need to be for my family. Ugh. This is ugly and sad and there's no good solution.  I do not want to tell her why or how she's affected me or that I have PTSD. I don't want her to know anything at all about me deep down. Hence, the eyes.

[Jazzy]

That's great about the landscapes, Armadillo! I fully agree that it is a fantastic start. It sounds like this is an important topic for you, so I hope you continue to put time and effort in to improving it. I'm not really sure the best way to word this, but I found purposeful meditation to be very helpful in things like that. That kind of meditation is a really tricky subject and hard to learn but it has lots of benefits for some people. I don't know if it will be helpful for you, but I hope so.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties with your mother. That's a really challenging thing to deal with and I understand how you're feeling. I get you feeling awful for not being able to handle it too but I wonder why you think you "should". I realize that mother/child relationship is such a complex topic that is so fundamental, there's no short or easy answer. I think its only natural to feel bad about not wanting to see M, at least I feel that way a lot too, but I wonder if it would be good for you to go a little easier on yourself.

In my opinion, the fact that your memories aren't strong enough to really see and feel what causes this and that you haven't healed yet is very telling of just how big the problem is. Its like when you try to take a picture of an object so big that it doesn't fit in the frame and you can't even make out what it is by looking at the picture.

I hear you that you're feeling discouraged but you've been a great positive influence in my life recently. I can only dream of having a mother as good as you! I also think there is a solution, even if it isn't as good (or fast) as the one you would like. For me, it is to work through the process of healing so that I can be better, so that I can help others, hopefully my M included one day. Like you, I'm certainly not ready, at this point, to tell her anything about me deep down.

I think feeling trapped is dangerous and can become a very big problem. I don't know the details of why you keep running in to your mother but I hope there's something you can do to work it out. Maybe you can talk with someone you're comfortable sharing more details with and they can help you find a solution?

Regardless, I hope you're feeling better and safer soon. All the best to you.

[Armadillo]

Thanks Jazzy for the understanding. You are completely correct on all accounts especially that feeling trapped is a dangerous one, that I need to be kinder and gentler with myself and the healing process, and that the fact I don't have many memories is a bit indicative of how big the problem might be.

To answer your question about why I keep running into her...I actually haven't seen her for a couple months. But she texts questions about the grandkids, or my young daughter will want to call her and then shoves the phone at me on speaker, or she'll send a card and money to the kids so I need to have them call her to thank her (I want them to learn how to treat people). All three of those happened in a 2 day timespan this weekend. And then she is alone and has stage IV cancer and I'm the only one here...ugh.

Before the past few months when she went on a major lie-fest I was seeing her a few times a week for appointments, to drop off groceries or help her around the house etc.

I feel a lot of guilt and responsibility for her. I'm so much better about not feeling this as strongly and not acting on it the past few months. [T and I experimented with a little somatic experiencing and this big aggressive "no!" bubbled up inside me. I couldn't say it the way I felt and heard it I could only whisper it but that feeling of "NO!" was there. It pulled up a couple memories one related to my mom and one related a SAssault. After that I just needed to shove her away.]

The big thing is...I feel like I should be able to just see her for a few minutes once a month, have a casual text or phone call once a week. And then be done and be ok. But I so viscerally cannot do that right now. But I also cannot tell her why. So then I feel extreme guilt that I'm essentially just ghosting her with no explanation. And that isn't fair or kind either. But telling her why also isn't kind. So then I should just interact with her in a limited way (you called it "fake" in your journal and that's it exactly). But I can't anymore...I can't even look at her. So....trapped. That's the trapped feeling. I have to stress this is all so much better than it was. I truly thought 3 months ago I was awful, bad, wrong mean, a s*, misunderstanding things, crazy, etc. I just felt it all so much and so mean to myself. Now I'm just pushing it away. But being able to just kind of put it on a back burner is a big improvement. But I know I need to deal with it. 

[Blueberry]

[T and I experimented with a little somatic experiencing and this big aggressive "no!" bubbled up inside me. I couldn't say it the way I felt and heard it I could only whisper it but that feeling of "NO!" was there. ]

Once you start to acknowledge it, even if just whispering it, there will come a time when you will be able to say it louder and/or with more force behind it.

The big thing is...I feel like I should be able to just see her for a few minutes once a month, have a casual text or phone call once a week. And then be done and be ok. But I so viscerally cannot do that right now. But I also cannot tell her why. So then I feel extreme guilt that I'm essentially just ghosting her with no explanation. And that isn't fair or kind either. But telling her why also isn't kind. So then I should just interact with her in a limited way (you called it "fake" in your journal and that's it exactly). But I can't anymore...I can't even look at her. So....trapped. That's the trapped feeling. I have to stress this is all so much better than it was. I truly thought 3 months ago I was awful, bad, wrong mean, a s*, misunderstanding things, crazy, etc. I just felt it all so much and so mean to myself. Now I'm just pushing it away. But being able to just kind of put it on a back burner is a big improvement. But I know I need to deal with it.

I can't manage to quote it atm or even look for it, but there are some interesting thoughts on this kind of thing at our sister website OOTF Out of the Fog.

If you cannot viscerally do what you want to do, your soul/psyche is telling you via your body that you can't. It's OK, understandable even.

[Jazzy]

Wow, that's a lot of stuff going on. The phone being shoved at you sounds especially difficult. I know I would really struggle with that. It also sounds like you cut back on interacting with her fairly quickly and drastically. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, I find that quick drastic action is much more difficult to handle then a more gradual change. I imagine it is difficult for your M too.

The whole situation sounds so challenging. I'm sorry that it is a big burden for you. I'm also sorry I don't have a good answer to fix it up easily. I just kind of muddled my way through it doing the best I could, and I'm still struggling with my own mother. She just texted me not 10 minutes ago, and I don't even want to reply.

I'm glad that you're doing better though! It is a big improvement, like you said. It's been quick too! Maybe soon you will be able to "deal with it" a bit, as you continue to improve yourself.

All the best to you, Armadillo.

[Armadillo]

If you cannot viscerally do what you want to do, your soul/psyche is telling you via your body that you can't. It's OK, understandable even.

Thanks BB. That is right. It feels wrong, but that's just the way it is. My body is telling me "no!"

Silly cPTSD. When you referred to the OOTF website you know how I took it? "You don't belong here. Go to the other site." It's not what you said or how you said it, it's my filter and core belief. One of my top 5 automatic thoughts.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, this is a lot to have going on.  I wanted to say something wise but wasn't sure how so would like to offer a hug or other gesture that brings support right now.

[sanmagic7]

i echo rainy.  i wish i had the words, but they're not there right now.  know that i'm with you.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Silly cPTSD. When you referred to the OOTF website you know how I took it? "You don't belong here. Go to the other site." It's not what you said or how you said it, it's my filter and core belief. One of my top 5 automatic thoughts.

Even though I didn't know, I'm still sorry that that is how it came across. Of course you belong here! Sometimes there's additional useful information or experiences over there too.  A fairly long-time mbr there says something like: contact to people with personality disorders leaves you shattered so plan time to recover.

But maybe you too  - like me - simply need time to go through this and take your steps? And feel just fine on this website only? No response necessary. 

[Eidolon]

You're going through a lot right now! It sounds incredibly difficult- you're really strong for being able to deal with it. Wishing you the best. I wish I knew what to say.