Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

Started by Armadillo, May 07, 2021, 05:42:10 PM

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Jazzy

Like the others, I wish I knew how to be a better support for you. You're dealing with tough stuff!  :grouphug:

Armadillo

#61
You all are being awesome supports to me right now. Just having some place to go to talk about this stuff is very helpful. I have generically told my husband about dissociating but not the severity of it or how often it happens or how such little things can be triggers. Some but not a lot. So it is helpful to have a place to talk openly where I am not pretending that things are more ok than they are.

I had a really good therapy session on Friday and felt really good after. My therapist helped me think (or feel) through how to deal with my mom and he was very encouraging that I stay the course right now just as I have been doing. That my body is screaming at me "no stay away" and that the amount of healing I have gone through since disengaging has been remarkable. More progress in 3 months than in the previous 2+ years combined. Plus the whole vision thing is pretty remarkable by itself. So I was feeling confident I was doing the right thing for me and my family and resolved to continue a low level of contact.

He isn't one to talk about symptoms, diagnoses, or to pathologize anything. But he really was very blunt last night to show me how important it is to prioritize my own health. He said "you may not feel like it, you may feel like this is an overexageration, but it is not. This is just like a soldier going to war. It is that bad. It'd be maybe one thing if your symptoms were mild. Or heck even if they were moderate. But they are not. They are very very severe. Going back to your mom just as you are starting to heal would be like a soldier going back to war when they are still untreated for PTSD." He just never ever talks like that. So it really caught my attention. It felt very validating and especially made me feel good about how much I've been able to heal.

So I've gotten used to being knocked over by wave after wave the past half a decade...but I wish that good feeling could have lasted at least 24 hrs.

I found out today though from my aunt that my mom's cancer is progressing again and she'll need weekly chemo and will need to be at the doctor's office at least twice a week which is 20 minutes each way from her house. (And if I drive her it is a minimum of 3 hrs round trip).

My mom found out midweek about the progression and has told both her sisters, but not me and my sister. I should say that although I've put a lot of distance between myself and my mom the past few months while her cancer has been mostly in remission, me and my sister have been there for her consistently. Through a year plus of treatment for stage 3 cancer...chemo, radiation, surgery; a few years of multiple broken bones (while she was also off of psychiatric medication); and now about 2 yrs of treatment for stage 4 cancer. She has no other support and I'm the only one here so it has been a lot of time and effort. I've driven her to vast numbers of medical appoinments through all of this, while I worked, went to grad school, raised a family, and did pandemic homeschooling for my kids.

So although I have been pretty cool to her the past few months because her behavior was just too damaging and hurtful, I have a very long history of being there for her despite everything, despite how she treats me, despite how damaging it is to me.

So there's part of me that is pretty hurt and pissed she hasn't told us. And then part that is blaming myself for not constantly asking her how she doing and what she needs and not spending time with her...that it's my fault she hasn't told me, because I'm mean and bad and neglectful so I have no right to be upset. But I have done so so so much for her for years now.

It's all just such a cruddy feeling and there's no solution. I had just gotten comfortable giving myself permission to take a break and heal. But now it's probably time to crawl back into the foxhole with her. Once she tells me, that is.

sanmagic7

armadillo, i feel for you, i really do.  i toted my nc D1 around for years - medical docs, phys. therapy, numerous therapy sessions w/ different therapists (her physical health was as horrible as her mental health issues), but once i began taking care of myself, i definitely felt better, stronger within myself.  she's had various surgeries and hospital stays (from what i hear), has never contacted me, but will complain about how i don't care about her.

it's a no win situation.  our abusers will get sick, will die, and there's nothing we can do about that.  it breaks my heart every day, but, in my case, reconnecting with her would be suicide.   similarly, last year my sister, another abuser,  died. we hadn't been in contact for about 30 years.  i couldn't help her, either - she didn't want to be involved with me.  neither of these people told me they've been sick, altho the rest of the family knew.

i'm not telling you what to do, just relaying my experience, letting you know i totally relate to your situation. 

i agree with your T that we are waging a war against abuse and further trauma.  it's an ugly, dirty war sometimes, but i also agree it's a war we can't win if we stay involved with our abusers.  they hurt us in so many different ways, by so many different means - such as your mother not reaching out to you when you've been such a wonderful caregiver to her in the past.  to my mind, it's like a slap in the face to you.  those neg. thoughts about yourself are the abuse/trauma speaking.  they're not you.  if you were truly neglectful and bad, you wouldn't give a second thought to any of that.

if any of this sounds too harsh, please ignore it.  i don't mean to upset you.

hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs :hug:

Armadillo

Thank you San Magic. Your words hit just perfect. Warm hugs back at you.  :hug:


BeeKeeper

Armadillo,

I like the way your T explained his perspective
Quotehe really was very blunt last night to show me how important it is to prioritize my own health. He said "you may not feel like it, you may feel like this is an overexageration, but it is not. This is just like a soldier going to war. It is that bad. It'd be maybe one thing if your symptoms were mild. Or heck even if they were moderate. But they are not. They are very very severe. Going back to your mom just as you are starting to heal would be like a soldier going back to war when they are still untreated for PTSD."

I wish you clarity and daily prioritization.

Jazzy

This sounds so difficult, Armadillo. I'm sorry you're struggling with it.   :hug: if it is positive for you.

Unfortunately, I have no experience to share RE: taking care of your ill mother. I wish I could help, but I think it best to defer to others on this topic.

What I did find particularly interesting though, is this:
QuoteHe just never ever talks like that. So it really caught my attention. It felt very validating and especially made me feel good about how much I've been able to heal.

I had a similar situation in my life, which is what led to me understanding I really need to treat my CPTSD, and me finding this forum. Even though I didn't understand what was really going on or why, I realized it was out of my depth, and I should pay attention to the other person. Surely, if they were acting out of character, it must be important. Feeling good about what they said was a good sign, so I just trusted them. That was the best decision I've ever made.

Like San, I'm not here to tell you what to do, but I do want to say that I think Armadillo is the most important person in Armadillo's life, and should do what is best for her. :)

Armadillo

I've gotten to a decent place the past day or two re stuff with my mom right now. I know there's nothing good to be done. No solution that doesn't damage me. I wish I were recovered enough that that was not the case, but the reason I am not recovered enough is because I've put her needs exceptionally above mine over and over and over to the extreme.

So the thing to do that is least damaging is.....nothing. Just. Do. Nothing. I won't have that luxury for long, I know the proverbial excrement will hit the fan soon enough and I don't need to make the present miserable trying to figure out how to deal with her or figuring out what I can do.

My sister was overflowing with anger this morning and wanted to send a blistering email but my zen attitude wore off on her too even though I told her she should send it if it would make her feel better...just for me....it wouldn't. I would feel worse. I would feel worse because my mom's response would be denial, outright lies, and complete inability to own things. So I would be more angry but stuck trying to work my way through a new set of lies and manipulation while the old set gets set on the back burner.

While I take responsibility that the reason she hasn't told us is that we are barely speaking to her right now, the reason we are barely speaking to her is 100% on her. I've taken the blame my whole life. This is not my fault. I have good relationships across the board other than with her.

I do feel a bit depressed and angry though those emotions are not tied to actual things...they are dissociated from the circumstances...but at least I am seeing them there.

Other than that stuff I was actually more productive today than I have been in a long long time. I started work early, got stuff done instead of spacing and pacing, paid (overdue) bills, baked two things, and parented. I am exhausted though. Like not end-of-the-day exhausted but thoroughly exhausted. I need to take a prolonged break.

rainydiary

Armadillo, that is a lot to navigate.  Your comment about needing an extended break resonates with me.  No matter what is going on I often feel that way.  I hope that you are able to feel some ease.

BeeKeeper

Hi Armadillo,

I want to congratulate you on this:
QuoteI was actually more productive today than I have been in a long long time.

Your feeling of being between a rock and a hard place is really familiar. Life will evolve and change, sometimes in ways that you least expect or think you are controlling. Stay the course by being present with yourself and invest in daily productivity as much as you can manage. You can do it.

Jazzy

Sounds like things are really stressful with your M. I'm sorry it's tough right now.

This is a really challenging situation, and it's clearly a big part of your life. It sounds like so much to process. I think you're doing a wonderful job of that, though. :)

It's phenomenal that your calm and positivity influenced your sister positively! Wow!  :cheer:

I'm also glad to see the rewards in your own life, e.g. being more productive.

It makes sense that you feel so exhausted. This is a huge thing. Exhausted is much better than triggered / dissociating etc. though. I hope you get the rest and relaxation you need and deserve to continue dealing with all of this.

All the best Armadillo. :)

Armadillo

Thank you all for the warm empathy and understanding.

My mom finally let me and my sis know, yesterday morning about her cancer growing again. She let us know in a group text...me, my sis, and two aunts. The 2 aunts already knew cause she told them a week earlier, but my mom pretended we were all learning at the same time. I've pushed away the guilty feelings (I must be such an awful person that this is how she tells me) and instead am trying to think: it's really crappy after all the support me and my sis have poured into helping her and supporting her the past 5 years that she couldn't even pick up a phone and call us.

I was pretty messed up yesterday between trying to work, getting that text, taking my kids to get a vaccine and to midday swimming, taking care of the kids,  pounding loud foundation work on the house and workers interrupting with questions, and not sleeping well this week...By the time hubby got home yesterday evening I was totally at the end of my rope.

He was really kind and supportive last night and this morning. And tonight we talked too more specifically about my mom and he understands and doesn't think I'm bad.

Between that and taking the day off to just hang out with the kids and working only a little bit, I feel good today. Took my daughter out to breakfast the craft store and the zoo (my son enjoyed the alone time at home). As a family we went out for burgers (take out) tonight.

My teen son also gave me a hug with no prompts. He's getting really sweet. I can tell he feels comfortable, loved, and accepted. It's really nice and makes my heart swell.

rainydiary

Armadillo, I feel how difficult this time is.  The contrast between moments of challenge and moments of love and rest stood out to me.  I hope that you continue to find moments that feel good while also doing your best with the difficult ones.

Armadillo

Ugh.

I got a call from my mom's oncologist Friday afternoon, that she had been given some strong pain medication and then also had a reaction to her new chemo drug so needed benadryl and steroids on top of that. The dr called to tell me she was very confused and a fall hazard and that she needed to have someone check on her a few times.

I was so frustrated by this. They know she lives alone and is noncompliant with health and safety advice. Why did they send her home alone knowing she wasn't safe? I told the dr I didn't really know what I was supposed to do because she doesn't want our help, doesn't want us involved and lies to us about what is going on. (This is not a surprise to the doctor, we've been working together for around 6 yrs, and there are social workers involved too.)

The dr told me she knew all that because my mom really really did NOT want her to call me and tell me. I just don't understand how I am supposed to be responsible for someone's health and safety when they lie and push me away.

It's all very upsetting and extremely triggering for me. I know this all just makes me sound super mean. Like why else would she not want me to help her? But I'm not, typically, mean. I am typically patient, kind and bend over backwards.

But I am so fed up and triggered that I just can't do this anymore. The way I handled it Friday was ok. I had my aunt call and check on her and my mom insisted she was fine and did not want help (though she was sending super nonsensical incoherent text messages). Then I texted a neighbor to check on her. Then I called the doctor back to tell them she was very confused but did not want help and asking what could be done with social work?

But today I sent a not nice text. Telling her how hurtful these things are and that I don't know what I am supposed to do and what does she want from us? I told her these are just two examples of many that make it impossible to maintain a relationship. It wasn't quite a no contact letter but kind of close.

I'm just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do. It feels so mean to be harsh toward her when she is suffering. But it's been nonstop crises for 6 years and her behavior has gotten worse and worse toward me the more I help her the meaner she is. When I finally get fed up and say something then she sees me as all evil and replaces me with neighbors and replaces her grandkids with the neighbor kids.

Hope67

Hi Armadillo,
I wanted to send you a hug of support  :hug: 
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

armadillo, so much of what you've written about your mom's behavior over the past years reminds me of  what's happened between me and D1 -the same type of scenario (helping, helping, helping, and being harshly pushed away, the lies, the attitude) and dynamic between us, and i was always the one who felt guilty and bad and trying to figure out how to fix it.

i finally had to let go.  she was pushing me to the brink of sanity, and it took me more than 20 years to realize there was nothing i could do to fix the relationship.  every chance available, she'd find some way to hurt me, shut me out of her life, then turn on a dime and make me feel guilty for not being there for her next crisis.  sometimes, there is no fix, especially if the other party isn't looking to work at it.   i've been NC with her for over 6 yrs., and tho i have a hole in my heart where she belongs, it is less painful than what continued to happen between us.

and, personally, i don't think there is enough recovery in the world that would make it all right to be in her presence again, even for a little while. 

i'm so very sorry you're going thru this with your mom.  one thing i've learned along the way is we can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.  i think it was a really good idea to get your aunt to call your mother instead of you.  keep taking care of yourself, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with clarity. :hug: