Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armadillo]

Thank you for the support Hope and Rainy.

San Magic, I'm sorry you've had to go through so much and I can't even imagine how hard that would be for a mom to have to go no contact.  that says a lot about how painful and difficult things were and I really appreciate you sharing here because it helps.

[sanmagic7]

hey,

your experience with your mother just triggered the experience with me D1 - it sounded so familiar!  it's a horrible situation to be part of, and i am so very sorry you're experiencing it.  i'm just glad that what i said was helpful.  we need all the help we can get thru these situations.  love and hugs, sweetie

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Armadillo,

I'm agreeing with this comment:

i don't think there is enough recovery in the world that would make it all right to be in her presence again, even for a little while.

This is such a no win situation for you. Those Drs who continue to call despite knowing reality are completely missing the boat. I admire you for standing your ground and holding onto your boundaries. Keep doing the hard stuff, protecting yourself. It's very tough. I've been there.

You are going to get through this, and having those small moments of sweet support (hugs) from your kids keep the balance in the midst of  what could be a toxic tsunami wave.

[Armadillo]

Thank you for the strong support BeeKeeper as I know you've been through similar.

The hard part...and this is where recovery DOES come in... is my PTSD is about being terrified my mom would kill herself as a kid and it would be all my fault for either causing it or not stopping it. So being in contact with her is retraumatizing but so is being no contact. It's almost no win. And there are traumatic side tendrils of this too all related to suicide and keeping people alive. Except I am really like 90% cured of the fear so now the thought of no contact is becoming more feasible. The balance is shifting.

[Not Alone]

Armadillo, everything you are going through with your mom sounds incredible difficult, hurtful, confusing, and frustrating. Sending a supportive hug. 

[Jazzy]

Hi Armadillo,

This all sounds so very difficult. I dread the day when I have to deal with this sort of situation myself. I wish there was more I could do to help. 

I just don't understand how I am supposed to be responsible for someone's health and safety when they lie and push me away.

Yeah, that makes sense. I don't think you are supposed to be responsible for another person's health. Of course you can do your best without endangering anyone else, especially yourself, but it is really up to the individual and their medical professionals in the end.

It seems natural to feel responsible for our parents though... it's the cycle of life, is it not? Parents look after children, then children look after parents. However, parents are their own people, and if they don't want help, that's their choice. Children also need to look after themselves too. ...This is not the kindest thing I've said recently, but from the sound of it, your mother has not set the bar of expectation very high. I don't think you need to feel guilty at all.

I'm sorry you're triggered; that's very understandable. I get how you feel like you're being mean, but I really don't think you are. It sounds to me like you're learning to take care of yourself, and that is wonderful!

While your text doesn't sound nice, it sounds honest, and it sounds like you're attempting to connect with your mother despite how difficult she makes that. I honestly have no criticism I can offer. You're doing great, in my opinion. 

All the best to you, Armadillo!

[Armadillo]

Thanks Jazzy. This was all very kind of you, but I do need to say that I definitely was not trying to connect with her, but I have tried all that over and over so many different ways. Enough that I know there's no fixing this, no changing how things are, no death bed moments of apologies or gratitude or anything. So that text was not written in a way to encourage connection but to cut it off.

[Armadillo]

This has been an interesting couple days inside my head. The voices in there keep flopping back and forth. Usually they are just mean mean mean to me and shock me sometimes with what they say and it's clearly been a way to keep me being good and kind and to not no matter what get mad at my mom. Better to be mad at me. To think I'm awful and terrible. The voice will sometimes say "I hate you. You deserve to die." And I'm embarrassed to admit this, but a few times this weekend the voice swapped out pronouns to "her/she" (my mom) instead of "you" (me).

This is all kind of subconscious and I don't believe any of it, against me or her. Not at all, it's just there and I mostly ignore it, once I learned to not be freaked out by it. Just intrusive thoughts to distract me from emotions.

My mom has not responded, which I was expecting her to not. Just. That's what it is. I'm waiting for the next emergency when I'll need to figure out where my boundary is.

*TW for Mom/Kid Wounds*

And I had an interesting conversation with my husband yesterday where we were talking about our parenting, and how much my kids (esp my daughter) cling to me and want me to do everything be everywhere with her. And my husband was empathizing with me that it must be tiring but I said something about how I probably encouraged it a bit to sort of be the opposite of how things were with my mom...he asked what I meant and I explained I never wanted her near me, never wanted her help with anything, just wanted to stay away. He asked me "when did that start?" And I asked him what he meant? And he clarified "when did you stop wanting your mom to be around you?" And it was just such a startling question to me. I never wanted her near me that I remember. I remember being very very young and wanting her to stay away. I was shocked that that was even a question to ask. Then after I was a little shocked that: wow. That's not normal. To not want your mom. (I worry about how this will hurt some here who's children have not been kind)

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry I misunderstood. I took your question literally; I have a bad habit of doing that.

I hope you find some peace between now and the next emergency. It sounds like you are feeling and thinking a lot. The distraction sounds nice, even if the thoughts aren't so positive, yet. I understand having those thoughts though. It sounds like you are transferring some anger away from yourself to your mother, which sounds like a more appropriate (accurate?) place for it. I see this as good progress.

I'm sorry that your mother hurt you so badly that you never wanted to be around her.  I feel like I should say a lot more about that, but I don't have the words right now.

I'm glad you were able to figure that out and write about it too. Hopefully it helped with processing things.

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry I misunderstood. I took your question literally; I have a bad habit of doing that.

Me too. But I think that's why it is very easy for me to connect with you here is because we are both literal. And I wasn't offended. It's my defense anytime someone says something nice about me especially if it feels untrue to how I see myself (bad mean wrong stupid) I need to quickly correct them to be honest and not lie about who I am. So when you said I was trying to connect I had to prove that no, I'm bad and mean. I was being mean. Otherwise it would feel like I was lying and being dishonest and not owning my behavior.

So you did nothing wrong and have no need to apologize at all. I appreciate your support and you already say and write a lot, you don't need to do more. Thank you. 

[sanmagic7]

your experience with not wanting to be around your mom, even when you were little, was, i think, very different from that of me and my D1.  it sounds like you were frightened about the responsibility for her life.  i can't even imagine how a little kid could cope with that except by staying away.  i'm sure it was a startling question to have to grasp an answer for.  these realizations can often take us by surprise.

i totally agree  about the responsibility part.  adults make their own choices, and we are not responsible for those choices.  it's one of the most basic, to me, concepts of not having control over anyone or anything but ourselves and our choices.  it's so difficult what you're going thru, but it sounds like you're becoming stronger as you continue in your recovery.  very happy to hear that.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Not Alone]

. . . I explained I never wanted her near me, never wanted her help with anything, just wanted to stay away. He asked me "when did that start?" And I asked him what he meant? And he clarified "when did you stop wanting your mom to be around you?" And it was just such a startling question to me. I never wanted her near me that I remember. I remember being very very young and wanting her to stay away. I was shocked that that was even a question to ask. Then after I was a little shocked that: wow. That's not normal. To not want your mom.

That says a lot, that from a very young age, you didn't want to be around your mom. Yep, not normal. How incredibly toxic she must be that your young heart wanted to stay away from her.

[Armadillo]

I haven't posted in my journal for a few days. I haven't really known what to say. So sorry this is just...I don't know what will come out. It'll definitely be more of the same.

I am starting to cry right now. Sitting at the pool waiting for my daughter's swim lesson to finish. It's not noticeable to anyone but me because my tears are tiny but they are there and I feel them and that is good.

I want so much to be a good kind patient person. Its really important to me. Aside from being a good mom, it's my top value. So being in this situation [oh wow, my nose is running too!] with my mom is so painful because it goes against my core and how I have tried to be. And new social workers and doctors entering this situation, my mom's neighbors, my mom....see me as...something else I think. And I really am not strong enough in my recovery to stand up for myself if pushed.

Right now I am on edge just not knowing when the next phone call will come to tell me she needs help and I think she has treatment again today so I worry anytime today I could get a painful call where I just feel trapped and triggered.

I know I should be practicing being in the present moment but i worry if i let my guard down I will be caught off guard and not be strong and be guilted by a well-meaning medical professional.

My mom also has only responded to my text from last Saturday to say she'll respond later when she knows what to say. But we know this cycle. We gently tell my mom something she is doing is hurting us. She plays the victim card, denies, lies then ignores us for a few weeks then pops up pretending like nothing happened and wanting to know answers to a million questions over text. Then we get eventually so fed up with new bad behaviors and we say something harsh, feel like awful people, repeat.

******TW*******
I also think maybe once she just has a couple more months to live that she may take her own life. I can understand that. It's not for me, but I'm already bracing for it and worried about feeling to blame or my husband maybe thinking I'm to blame or worse he's to blame for not making me be kinder to her. I know I need to talk to him about this soon.

******End TW******

My T has been on vacation for a couple weeks. Our last session was so good. I had cover for not engaging with her and not explaining why but the thing with the doctor just threw me off kilter and I blew that all up. Oops.

Anyway other things are good. I was planning to take the day off today as vacation but now it's a federal holiday where I am as of yesterday afternoon (Juneteenth, to celebrate the end of slavery) and I am so happy this is now recognized as a holiday.

[Not Alone]

Armadillo,
I'm glad you were able to let some tears out.

I can tell by the way you respond to others on OOTS and by the compassionate way you have responded to me; you are a good, kind, patient person. You are a good, kind, patient person with boundaries. There will be people involved with your mother who don't understand the full situation and who may have judgements about you. I'm sorry about that. But they don't know the full story. You still get to do the best job you can of taking care of yourself and your H and daughter.

It makes sense that you are on edge, not knowing when the next phone call will come. Would it help if you had possible answers for her and possible answers for the medical staff? Maybe that would diminish the trapped and triggered feelings. For example: "I'm sorry that I can't bring you to that appointment, I have another commitment." [No need to mention that the commitment is taking care of yourself. Sorry if this is unwanted advise. If not helpful, just ignore. I don't want to add pressure to your already stressful life.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, I appreciate the compassion you show here in the forum.  Your feelings and questions and concerns resonate with me.  You are enough and I appreciate being in community with you.