Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

Started by Armadillo, May 07, 2021, 05:42:10 PM

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Armadillo

Thank you Rainy and Not Alone. That helped a lot. I'm learning to look at this more balanced but you all know how those triggers work, they pull you down into a wounded place where the thinking gets very black and white and...young.

Not Alone, your advice was perfect. It really helped to think about having responses ready and I'll need to write them down and have them ready.

I got a call from my mom today. She normally only texts. I didn't answer when she called partially because I didn't want to and partially because I was having a day out with my 9 yr old and was in the bakery with her. But she left me and my sis both very woeful messages about how she wanted to talk to us about what the palliative care doctor had told her yesterday and I had a chemo appointment today and another dr appointment today. So she is about to pour on the victim pity party to wiggle out of addressing the issues that need to be addressed. It's such a predictable game. But I'm not falling into the trap this time. I called her back this evening after I made dinner for my family. She didn't answer and I left a message that I would answer in the next 15 minutes and after that I wouldn't be available to talk as I was sitting down to have dinner with my family and spend time with them. She called back after 18 min. She often does this and I know it is a silly boundary and I should have answered, but this is actually on her. I would not do this with anyone else. And she tries to break every boundary which makes me want to erect more and stick with even unimportant ones like this one.

Not Alone

Quote from: Armadillo on June 19, 2021, 03:56:56 AM
She called back after 18 min. She often does this and I know it is a silly boundary and I should have answered, but this is actually on her. I would not do this with anyone else. And she tries to break every boundary which makes me want to erect more and stick with even unimportant ones like this one.

I don't think that it's a silly boundary at all. You know the games she plays. And as you stated, you wouldn't do that with someone else, but you know her manipulations. Good job.

Jazzy

Wow Armadillo,

I'm sorry she is treating you like this. I hope it's not out of line for me to say "that sounds familiar". That kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable though, at least to me.

I think you did a great job setting boundaries and sticking by them. She tested you, and you passed with flying colours!  :cheer:

Quote from: Armadillo...she tries to break every boundary which makes me want to erect more and stick with even unimportant ones like this one.

I think you're right. It feels crucial to stick with every boundary because she tries to break them all and take advantage of you in any way possible. I can't help but wonder if you want to stick with it, then perhaps it is important to you, even if it seems little.

One thing I've learned lately is that little things are just as important as big things, and will become big if left unresolved. I do my best to deal with them while they're still little and easy to manage. :)

It's so great that you've learned this pattern and are able to stand up for yourself and not be trapped in the old cycle. That is phenomenal progress!  :cheer:

Jazzy <3

Armadillo

Thank you J and N for your encouragement about the boundary being important.

I probably have a lot to say and write but right now I just want to say thank you to everyone and that I'm slowly trying to catch up on your journals.

It's been a long week. Work has been very busy requiring long days including sometimes working till 3am and getting back up at 6am to keep at it. Here...we can put a myth to rest...I am a government worker. I don't work with anyone who is lazy. 😁

Things kinda exploded with my mom this weekend. Lots of gaslighting.  And manipilation with health crises. And denials.

It's really sad. I can't change her, I can't fix it, and her brain just interprets stuff in such a negative light. I'm a kind person and my mom only sees me as mean because I told her I couldn't do it all with kids and homeschooling due to the pandemic and work and that I needed her to get a little help with transportation and an aide a few hours a week. (This was as she was coming home from 6 weeks in the hospital and very weak). She interpreted that as "armadillo said she doesn't want to be involved." And as her reason for not telling me things.

It's just you know almost cruel, that I can't talk to her about issues, or when things upset me I can't discuss them with her or resolve them. Trying to at all gets me marked as all bad and mean and out to get her. Like you said Jazzy, it's important to resolve things when they are small. Now I am angry and don't want to be involved....so in essence I have become mean and neglectful....so sad.

Anyway, my T is back and we talked it through and came to the conclusion there's nothing to be done. Trying to rebut the gaslighting just feeds the cycle more. I can't just suck it up and go back to the old pattern of me accepting all her behavior and bending over backward to absorb it and not say anything as the antics escalate. That makes me very sick physically, emotionally, and psychologically, down to my very brain splitting itself. That's not ok.

So I just let it be. I'll step in when it is absolutely necessary but that's it. No more. Just she is there, I am here.

Libby183

Armadillo, that sounds like an very good position to take, to step in when absolutely necessary. It was what I eventually did when my stbxH was terminally ill, and it was the right approach. Anything more was just too much.

I wish you well with everything you are dealing with.

Jazzy

Armadillo:

I wish I had more to say, but I'll keep it short and sweet for now. I'm sorry things with your M are so difficult. I hear you that you are feeling sick in many ways. Along with your work, this is extremely concerning.

3 hours rest from work is not only unhealthy, it is illegal. I think that is a step beyond exploitation, though I don't know what the word would be. Government job is no excuse. Of all the jobs available, the government can afford to hire more workers.

Quote from: ArmadilloThat's not ok.
No, it most certainly is not. I hope you have the strength to take action to improve things.

Above all, I hope you find some peace. You are not mean because your M says so. You have been nothing but kind and sweet to me, which I appreciate very much.

You are doing excellent despite all of these challenges. Keep up the good work, especially when the good work is relaxing!

:hug: if it is welcome by you.

Jazzy <3

Jazzy

Hi Armadillo,

It just occurred to me that what you wrote in my journal about M passing and leaving an inheritance may be a reflection of what you are feeling about your own situation, and I wonder if it will be helpful for you to explore and process that.

I do not blame you at all if you have such thoughts. I have them myself, though more so about M's parents in my particular case.

I also realize I have neglected to ask you about your favourite colour, which I apologize for. I know all to well how damaging neglect is. What colour would you like me to use for your name? You can pick any colour you like!

All the best to you, Armadillo!

Jazzy <3

Armadillo

#97
Thanks Jazzy. I wasn't feeling neglected at all by you but I have been really touched seeing you ask people their favorite colors. It's really sweet and thoughtful. Mine is turquoise. :)

No wish for any inheritance from my mom. I am repulsed by everything having to do with her and want nothing from her. But I am lucky. My husband and I both have good paying jobs and are comfortable. What I said came directly from a place of caring about you. Extreme anger you were physically, emotionally, and educationally neglected and that if you can't afford to get that fixed...well it made me angry and wanting someone who caused it to fix it.

Armadillo

#98
More drama. 😪

She called today to tell me her white blood cells are zero and she had a thrush infection and could barely swallow. My aunt had already told me including that the doctors wanted her to go to the hospital but she declined. I offered to help but she was passive aggressive and weird and pushed it all away while also hinting she wanted certain things but when I asked her to be direct she pushed the offers away completely. I'm feeling more sad every day about this stuff as the layers of protection I built up over the decades loosen.

I also have been feeling pretty awful since therapy on Tuesday because I felt really let down by how he handled me. It's fine we'll get back on track but it's been a yucky feeling.

And then this morning I woke up to a manipulative email from a "friend" (loose acquaintances from college 20 yrs ago) I thought I had blocked successfully.



****TW*****



This is the one who tried to manipulate me multiple times into doing things for him by threatening suicide. Last email from him was the last straw when he accused me of being mean and selfish and how I never help him when he asks for help and would I please help him this one time buy something he really wants. But I probably wouldn't because I've never helped him.


****End TW****



Anyway. I used to try to make things better but once I realized how badly he was manipulating me, how he was very selfish, this was the last straw after 3 years of this and I blocked him.

But somehow his email got through today. He told me how he had been going through email and noticed how in my photo I've "gotten even more beautiful" and how did I even do that? So that led me to go scrambling through our past email threads because I thought I had been smart enough to not send a photo. I finally realized he was talking about my picture on my Google account. : / But it was yucky to go through those old emails and see how blind I was to the manipulation for a long time and how could I have let people like that into my life and been so stupid. It scares me a little. Such a doormat. I think I am much stronger now. And I ignored the email though it got under my skin.

Libby183

Hi Armadillo.

So impressed by the way you handled the manipulative email. Hopefully dealing with this type of incident will give you the strength to deal with the bigger issue of your mother's ill health and behaviour. I truly believe that my H became an even more exaggerated version of himself when he was terminally ill. It's hard to deal with, but gave me some sense of closure in the end.

Armadillo

This is really helpful to hear Libby....your perspective based on dealing with your H during his terminal illness. I do agree with you and I'm actually pretty thankful oh gosh this sounds awful but thankful that this has dragged on so long because it's given me an opportunity to try just about everything possible and to still end up at the same spot in terms of her behavior but in a healthy spot for me with a more realistic view of things...it  affirms that um it's not my fault. I can't fix it.

I'm so sad you went through the treatment you went through and still are suffering from your daughter's reactions. Its not fair to you but I am really impressed at how healthy you seem about it. Very balanced. Thanks again for sharing.

Jazzy

Armadillo,

This all sounds like so much! I imagine you're feeling overwhelmed by it all, which is understandable.

You're doing a great job though! I'm very impressed by how you are recognizing your feelings and what causes them.

Quote from: ArmadilloI think I am much stronger now. And I ignored the email though it got under my skin.

I'm confident the second sentence here is evidence of the truth of the first. :)

<3 Jazzy

Jazzy

Quote from: ArmadilloNo wish for any inheritance from my mom. I am repulsed by everything having to do with her and want nothing from her. But I am lucky. My husband and I both have good paying jobs and are comfortable. What I said came directly from a place of caring about you. Extreme anger you were physically, emotionally, and educationally neglected and that if you can't afford to get that fixed...well it made me angry and wanting someone who caused it to fix it.

I understand, Armadillo!

Thank you for caring so much about me.  :hug:

<3 Jazzy

Not Alone

With both your mother and your "friend" who sent the email, I can see how you have really grown in your ability to see unhealthy people more clearly and that you are getting stronger in your ability to set appropriate boundaries.

Jazzy

Armadillo, I apologize if this is not the best time/place to mention this, but it has been on my mind, so I want to get it out.

I seem to recall you saying something about how bad your thoughts/feelings towards your M are, specifically about how long it has dragged on, which has given you time to try everything you can. I cannot find that post for some reason. Perhaps someone else wrote it, but I thought it was you. Perhaps there is another reason, though it doesn't matter too much why I can't find it.

While I understand that sounding bad, I see it as you finding some positive in this horrible situation, which is a tremendously good thing! In the future, when it is not so raw, perhaps it could be worded gentler, but I think it is great for right now!  Being able to see any positive at all in this situation, along with work and everything else going on, is extremely impressive. :thumbup:

<3 Jazzy