Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armadillo]

 

Thank you both for reading and for the validation. It doesn't seem like much. Not ideal but not awful. Not Alone...your description of it as horrendous...it feels like I feel protected and seen as a little kid and also shocking to see you phrase it that way and gives me a lot to think about. Now I'm dissociating. But I think I'm learning a trick to slow it down. I'm experimenting. Kind of pushing my chest down. It makes my chest crack. But it seems to be helping. I tried it a few times today when I felt the fuzziness of dissociation start. I've tried deep breathing or relaxing my neck but those make it worse.

My aunt told me this morning that my mom's doctors have told her she is likely to die by the end of the year and also that they had to pause chemo again due to side effects. I had some guilt today but was able mostly to see the truth that I don't know what she wants and so there's really nothing for me to do or fix right now.

My son came to me last night crying because he had an episode of sleep paralysis about a week ago and it scared him so much he can't fall asleep anymore. That scared me because i wonder if he is ok. But I'm glad he told me and I had him watch something funny with me before bed and he let me sit on the edge of his bed while he fell asleep tonight. I worry so much about the mental health legacy on so many sides of the family. I hope he is ok. I'm reminding myself he knows we will help him get help whenever he needs it.

[Libby183]

Hi Armadillo.

Having just caught up with your journal, I wanted to say say how sad I am to read about all you suffered as a child, and how this is impacting on you today, as you deal with the situation with your mother.

I am with you, in spirit, all of the way.

I think almost all of us here have experienced the pain in our families of origin around food. I know I certainly did. And the tendency for our difficult /abusive family members to focus so much on neighbours etc. My in laws were big on this. And the body dysmorhia. Another strong feature for me too. Such strong patterns everywhere.

I still think you are doing exceptionally well in coping with one of the most difficult and traumatic parts of life. As I know, it's all a no win situation, so we have to do what's best for us.

[Armadillo]

Thank you Libby, for reading, for the empathy and understanding. I want you to feel free now. It feels not fair you are still suffering. That somehow your H's mental illness is still impacting you through your kids and the impact he has on them. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away for you. 💕

[Not Alone]

I had some guilt today but was able mostly to see the truth that I don't know what she wants and so there's really nothing for me to do or fix right now.

My son came to me last night crying because he had an episode of sleep paralysis about a week ago and it scared him so much he can't fall asleep anymore. That scared me because i wonder if he is ok. But I'm glad he told me and I had him watch something funny with me before bed and he let me sit on the edge of his bed while he fell asleep tonight. I worry so much about the mental health legacy on so many sides of the family. I hope he is ok. I'm reminding myself he knows we will help him get help whenever he needs it.

There really is nothing for you to do for your mom. She has closed the door.

I'm glad your son shared with you what was happening. I share your concern about mental health legacy on my kids. I've told them that the family they grew up in was the only family that they know and that is what is normal to them. But there are issues that it would be helpful to look at. So far they either don't see it or don't want to look further.

The image of you sitting by your son's be while he fell asleep is beautiful.

[BeeKeeper]

Hey Armadillo,

I'm reminding myself he knows we will help him get help whenever he needs it.

This is the most important message you can give him. Sleep paralysis is indeed scary stuff. Being a safe harbor is the key to allowing him to process and grow. The advantages? Lifelong resiliency.

[Alter-eg0]

Hey Armadillo,

I feel for you and your concerns regarding your son. I hope it comforts you to know that you're doing the best you can, and the fact alone that you are there for him and open to listen and get help for him when he needs it, is already huge. The fact that he opens up to you, is also really really valuable and a good sign. That kind of trust is everything.

Take care!

[Armadillo]

I'm really sad. It's been probably 2 months since I've had a nightmare and I had a terrible dream about my son last night. It was so awful I don't want to even talk about it here or anywhere. It felt so real that it took awhile after waking to realize it was not.

Also just still really struggling with mom stuff. Still I'm less mean to myself but I see how much this game has been being played. We are forced to conform to exactly what she needs and how she needs it but nothing is straightforward. And when we crack because we are human we are exiled as all bad. It's so hard to deal with even as an adult with distance and clarity that I can't even fathom how...as little kids...with this our sole caretaker (after stepdad moved out when I was .

[Blueberry]

I... was able mostly to see the truth that I don't know what she wants and so there's really nothing for me to do or fix right now.

I have been reading your Journal and about how you're dealing with your M. Even though I might not have commented so far, I've been with you in spirit. 

[Blueberry]

I'm really sad. It's been probably 2 months since I've had a nightmare and I had a terrible dream about my son last night. It was so awful I don't want to even talk about it here or anywhere. It felt so real that it took awhile after waking to realize it was not.

Also just still really struggling with mom stuff.

Sorry I didn't check and see all that additional difficult stuff from rn and ended up cross-posting.

So   
Good on you for being less mean to yourself I think that's a big step.

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry things are so challenging right now Armadillo.

Having a time frame like that hits me hard, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Having to stop chemo because of the side effects hits me even harder.

There's much more I would like to say, but I don't have the words right now. I offer you a gently firm  in their place.

Your son's sleep paralysis strikes me very personally, as I have been through that countless times. I am so very glad to hear you are taking action to help him. While this may sound strange, I'm also not unhappy you had a bad dream about it. This tells me how important not only your son, but ending the cycle of your mother's insanity is to you. (Yes, that's a powerful word. I believe it fits. It certainly fits my own mother, as well as myself in the past).

I see you continue to overcome all of these difficulties and grow in spite of them. You are an inspiration to us all.

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

Thanks BB and Jazzy, and everyone else.

I feel like a broken record here, in therapy, and in my head. The pain and anger and sadness of being split all bad and not viewed as a whole person by a parent with a personality disorder. The disappointment that she won't ask to see the grandkids or attempt to connect with them...I ended up crying in bed last night with real tears rolling down my cheek. That's good. The emotions are finally starting to come up.

She called me this weekend to tell me the doctors agree just a matter of months. I offer to help but she takes pleasure in rejecting it. I'm expecting at some point soon I'll have to talk with the palliative care doc at some point soon about caretaking which will be a massively damaging conversation for me.

This whole situation is just so painful and so antithetical to my values.

In other news I went for a walk with an old friend and our fridge has been busted for a week with a backlog on new fridges, so now we are living out of a little cooler for our family of 4, lol.

[Jazzy]

I think it is very good that you recognize in advance how difficult that conversation will be. This allows you to prepare yourself going in to it, as well as set things up to help you de-brief after it is over. Of course, this is your choice to do these things or not, as well as the details of what they are for you.



<3 Jazzy

[Eidolon]

Armadillo,
Thawing is good! It's awful that she won't see her grandchildren but may be for the best in the long run. I wish the best for you.

[Blueberry]

I feel like a broken record here, in therapy, and in my head. The pain and anger and sadness of being split all bad and not viewed as a whole person by a parent with a personality disorder. The disappointment that she won't ask to see the grandkids or attempt to connect with them...I ended up crying in bed last night with real tears rolling down my cheek. That's good. The emotions are finally starting to come up.

Write here as much as you need about your pain and anger and sadness. As I think san wisely told me a couple of years ago, it's good to get the poison of these emotions out. This is a great place to do that, with no thought to 'being repetitious' or anything like that.

It certainly sounds good that the emotions are starting to come up. ime they ease the build-up of pain, anger, sadness after a while. 

[Armadillo]

I'm exhausted though I've been sleeping better for a good long stretch. I think the weariness of trying to manage eldercare, working through trauma, career, home, and then the 1.5 years of school closures with the kids home 24/7. It's been an exhausting time and I feel that I don't have the energy stores for whatever comes next. I keep feeling like I want to just quit my job and focus on my kids just so I won't feel so worn thin. But then lots of people have kids and a job, even single parents. And my job is not nearly as stressful as most.

I also wonder....for those of you who had been numb most your life.....when things start to thaw a bit do you go through depression first? I feel depressed.  Like the anxiety and something being really wrong has loosened...things are finally ok enough around me, and I've let go of control with trying to make things ok with my mom...and where that anxiety and stress lived now it's just...blah. I hope it is short-lived. I spent too much time feeling overwhelmed and stunned numb I can't quite tolerate the thought that I might have to next travel through depression too?