Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Eidolon]

I'm exhausted though I've been sleeping better for a good long stretch. I think the weariness of trying to manage eldercare, working through trauma, career, home, and then the 1.5 years of school closures with the kids home 24/7. It's been an exhausting time and I feel that I don't have the energy stores for whatever comes next. I keep feeling like I want to just quit my job and focus on my kids just so I won't feel so worn thin. But then lots of people have kids and a job, even single parents. And my job is not nearly as stressful as most.

I also wonder....for those of you who had been numb most your life.....when things start to thaw a bit do you go through depression first? I feel depressed.  Like the anxiety and something being really wrong has loosened...things are finally ok enough around me, and I've let go of control with trying to make things ok with my mom...and where that anxiety and stress lived now it's just...blah. I hope it is short-lived. I spent too much time feeling overwhelmed and stunned numb I can't quite tolerate the thought that I might have to next travel through depression too?

Yes! Depression is normal, it takes a bit to work through. I've found it's often hiding emotional flashbacks so going slow and finding safe places is crucial. It's like, "why did I have to be numb and other people didn't?" sometimes. I hope that makes sense.

[HomerJ]

As the years have gone by I definitely have experienced more depression as I try not to numb everything. It's frustrating

It sounds like you have a lot going on so it's normal for you to be exhausted by it, I have a lot less happening, and often I struggle to get half a day's work done. You are doing what you can and that's great.

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry you're feeling exhausted and depressed  Armadillo. I understand these feelings. 

Your words here are very wise. I think it is a good idea for you to take some time to rest and recovery yourself. Feeling that you don't have the energy stores for what comes next is a very important indicator to me that you are severely lacking in rest and peace.

If you feel like you want to quit your job, then perhaps you should. I realize that is a very large and complex topic. That is fully your decision to make. In my experience, quitting my job was one of the best choices I've ever made. Over 10 years later I am beginning to work again. I am only able to do this because I took time to work on myself.

Sure, lots of people have kids and jobs, maybe more stressful jobs than you, though I doubt this is as true as you think. They are not dealing with the other things that you are though, and they do not have your traumatic history. Even if there is somehow one person out there who does match you, what you should do is likely not the same as what they are doing.

Yes, I have gone through a lot of depression. All the emotions and feelings quickly become overwhelming, and depression is a defense against that. While it is frustrating at times, I see defenses as a good thing. I do my best not to need them, but when I do, I work towards finding peace so they can come down again.

Depression may be the next step in your journey. I wish I could tell you otherwise, as it is a difficult phase. However it is progress. You're doing great! Keep your chin comfortably up and carry on as best as you can. We're here for you when you need us. 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

I just realized there are less permanent options available than quitting your job. I don't know the legalities of where you live, but here we have an option called "stress leave". You fully deserve stress leave right now, especially as a surviving sufferer of Complex (not so) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I'm confident that you will find a good option that works for you! I hope you choose to act on the truths your body and mind are telling you.

[Armadillo]

Ha! I absolutely LOVE the phrase complex (not so) post traumatic stress disorder. You're right. It's not post, yet.

Thanks for the empathetic and encouraging replies that are directing me toward acceptance that a depression phase may be in store and I guess that's natural. I did end up feeling some of that hurt that's been bottled up behind a wall of self-blame this weekend and this is the repercussion. With this disorder there's rarely progress without a price to pay. It's worthwhile but never without pain.

Quitting my job would be ridiculous on a lot of levels. I am part time but work much more than fulltime. I could cut back but I've tried and I don't have the will to do that. I could take the 5.5 weeks of vacation I have saved up but I'm uncertain about what I'll need for the immediate future. I could just take an unpaid leave of absence like you suggest which is certainly less of a financial hit than quitting.  Anyway there's no middle ground in my brain on this. That's the problem really.

[Jazzy]

Anyway there's no middle ground in my brain on this. That's the problem really.

Excellent point! I hope you act to resolve this problem when you are able. I'm sure you know how.

[BeeKeeper]

Jazzy,

this name is truly inspired:

Complex (not so) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Armadillo,

You're doing very well, IMO. I want to affirm:

Yes, a thaw brings about recognition and depression.
Yes, it seems kind of bleak, but there is light eventually.
Yes, you can find a balance and it is "out there, but truly in you."

Depression can be a theme, phase or time period, but there are little tiny sparkles of hope and glimmers of faith in life's joy. They can be so small, it's easy to miss. But seeing and holding these close eventually build up your ability to anchor yourself to the "better" side of life.

I agree with previous friends, you are holding up well under the present challenges of life. This will not last forever, and you're learning new skills which WILL last. All my encouragement and best to you!   

[Armadillo]

Thank you friends. And Bee, I like the name "Armee" you used. Less sheltered and guarded than Armadillo. 

I am feeling a lot better. Part of it I think was PMS and part of it is my brain trying t calibrate itself to letting things be and not trying to figure out what's wrong or how to fix things or what's next. That's a scary place to be because often when I've sighed a sigh of relief and let down my guard I've been knocked over by another huge wave.

But since my mom reemerged with the I'm dying stuff I've seen my brain go through this first trying to figure stuff out...what should I do, what am I doing wrong...to empty anxiety without purpose when my T convinces me to just let it be and not do or try to fix anything....to sadness and hurt about my relationship with her...to empty depression...to physical pain and dissociation again. It's just neuroplasticity at work. Growing pains and what not.

I agree 100% that I'm learning new skills that will outlast this phase of life. Phew. Although the past 4 months have been easier than any point in the last 4 years...these last 4 years have been so overwhelmingly hard and triggering. And yet every difficult thing has been an opportunity to heal and practice.

Thanks all 

I remember I was google searching something about elderly parents with BPD that brought up a post on out of the fog and then a kind soul directed me here when I posted in the welcome mat. What a gift to find you all.

[Jazzy]

Hey Armi! 👋

I'm so happy to see the positivity in your post. I didn't even realize I've been holding this, but it's very relieving to see your mood improved.

I especially like how you are finding peace instead of trying to figure out all possible answers, which likelyWill never be needed anyway. Oh that's wonderful!

<3 Niko

[BeeKeeper]

I'm glad you liked "Armee", yes, less guarded and I thought of arms opened wide! 

I love hearing the beginning of how you found your way to the forum. Many miles ago....this has been such a helpful place to me because no one in my personal life would come close to "getting it."

It's ratty to be thrown into a tail chasing cycle that your Mother brought into your life. I know exactly what you are talking about. For those that "fix" even when we know we can't, that doesn't stop the churning & turning; the activation of those old patterns. I agree, the brain is trying to form new ways of wiring itself and it will. Growth is hard!

I'm encouraged to see that you consider the last 4 months to be "easier" that the last 4 years. That says a lot about your ability to embrace change and put your own care at the top of your priority list. Lock that thought in.

[Jazzy]

Thank you for sharing Armadillo!

Reading your posts and responding to it let me to an important realization in my own life.

I'm so glad to have you and the others here to share with, especially regarding this topic.

[Eidolon]

Always happy to see you post, and am glad that you're here!
No matter the feelings you're experiencing, all of them are welcome. 

[Armadillo]

Thank you everyone as always for the kind words and support.

Just popping in to say I'll be on vacation with my family, camping for the week, so you won't hear from me but I'll be thinking of you all and hoping you are mostly head above water.

This will be a lovely week as I love my little family more than anything in the whole world and despite being home together for the past 1.5 yrs we have been busier than ever trying to manage work and home and kids so the quality time has suffered.

I'll be chewing on something over vacation though and if anyone has thoughts for me...advice even :gasp:...I'd love to hear it.

Yesterday my daughter dropped a hint that she wants to see Grandma. I've brought the kids by a couple times in february to see her. But it's now been at least 4 or more months since they've seen her. My mom asks me how they are doing over text but hasn't asked to see them since she's been home from the hospital. But if I tell her the kids want to stop by to see her she seems happy (happy by her standards). So there's some anger and disappointment there on my side.

But I don't want to keep them from her if they want to see her. Here's my conundrum: I shake, freeze, and go ice cold around her. It breaks my brain and body in significant ways. I wish I were not like this. I wish I could just be normal around her. Fake smile. Hi how are you. Lite conversations, but I physically cannot do that.

If I go there it's bad for me. If I go there and do my best I'll come across extremely cold and will leave feeling like a jerk who cannot even be nice for 5 minutes to her dying mother. If I send my husband instead I'll also feel like a mean cold jerk. If we go as a family and bring her dinner I'll feel the same and will be stuck for longer. (I feel like a trapped animal even after 2-5 minutes outside and far away). And leaving the kids there alone is absolutely not an option.

Help?

💛 Armee

[Jazzy]

<3 Armee

I absolutely love the heart and the name! That is so wonderful! 

This is quite a conundrum indeed! It seems to be a "lesser of the (more than two) evils" situation.

Here is my advice, I.E. what I would do in your situation:

Sit down as peacefully as possible and consider all possible options, take them to those you trust for additional input, then sit down as peacefully as possibly to review them again, but not make a decision yet.

After enough time has passed that so you feel sufficiently less upset after reviewing such a difficult and triggering topic, consider one option, then note your immediate reaction to it.

Repeat this process until you have a "first impression" noted for each option, then rest/wait until you are calmer again.

As a final decision, I would go with whichever option has the least worst first impression attached to it, while ensuring I have an exit strategy in place for if I find I absolutely cannot handle it.

This topic is so difficult, compounded by the details of your mother's actions and the abuse and trauma she has put you through.

I'm sorry there is no easy win here. Whatever happens though, you've done so much better than anyone can fairly expect! You're the best!

...

How very interesting that I wrote more firmly telling you that you should review things and go with your sub-conscious, then so drastically switched to writing about what I would do if I were you when I wrote about the final decision. :bigthink:

I see that I have learned the important lesson of the power of making choices for ourselves... now I just need to learn to word my writing better.

[Blueberry]

Armadillo, I see you're on holiday but you've also left the forum. I hope you're OK?