Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armee]

Thanks for the warning, San, and for looking out for us here. I'll be careful. I'm just too guarded in therapy for anything to happen so it was nice to know I can generate some connections that way.

TW....religious + SA...actually I get a little detailed and it probably isn't good to read.

Bee's post about the arsonist kind of triggered me a little or maybe a lot. It was the religious/cult stuff. It took me 2+ years in therapy to work up to telling my T about this. And then it wasn't really so much a choice but due to some intense long lasting body and smell and emotional flashbacks that were triggered when we did some experimentation with somatic experiencing on something totally unrelated or so I thought. The flashbacks got so bad I had to tell him. Still it took me 2 months to work up to and through telling him.

At the end of it  T called it rape. I don't see it that way exactly. But it was violent and painful and cruel. And that violence l realized, while I was working through the process of sharing it with my T, came from purity culture as my boyfriend was fundamentalist. He actually seems to have literally thought I was satan and he was fighting me..fighting evil, the devil...and took joy from hurting me. I just didn't quite understand at the time.

I've always thought it was my fault, I asked for it, etc. But I didn't ask to be hurt, to be treated that way. I didn't say stop, but I shrieked in pain and he laughed and compared me to a farm animal. And now my thought is:  how could someone who said he loved me do that to me? I was so sweet and kind and loving. But the way he was raised...it was to view me as evil, as satan himself. 

T told me how to fix the symptoms from that experience that have lingered for 20 years, working slowly with my H to regain my power and sense of control. But I couldn't do what he suggested to get better so I just let it go instead of finishing processing it. I seem to need to do more with that though. Stomach meet pit.

[BeeKeeper]

  Armee

I don't need to give anything to any more toxic people ever again.

The boundary, clarity and finality of this is so strong. I love it.

Yes, stomach meet pit. It's very brave to think, write and consider it all.

[Armee]

Took a nice walk with the hub and dog this morning and am now sanding our front steps to stain them. Hosed em off and waiting for them to dry so I can finish up.

An example popped up this morning of the disconnect between what I am aware of and what is actually happening.

I was out walking with my husband and dog this morning. We started talking about vacation and I mentioned we should go to x national park because both kids want to go back. I felt happy and excited about planning it. Nothing but awareness of good things. We've been once and loved it.

But a minute later after the conversation I had crippling and very strange feeling pain in my leg out of nowhere and I was looking around for a cause. Then I realized my body was sending up warning signs about the vacation plans. Even though I know 100% my son is OK now and I am not aware of any level of worry because I've treated this fear in therapy for years now and feel good about it, and he's gotten treatment and is a complerely different  super well-adjusted happy kid...somewhere I am apparently still terrified even though I don't FEEL scared or worried at all.

Because this is the place he planned to jump off a cliff when he was 11 to commit suicide. That was 4 years ago and he is all better. I had no awareness that I am upset by this still but my body tells another story. As soon as I figured out the pain must be from talking about visiting that place and acknowledged that to my husband, it went away.

I'm just dumbfounded but these things keep happening. No awareness of feeling something but the body reactions or dissociation are there and tell the truth. 

[BeeKeeper]

Ah Armee I'm not allowed to type bad words.

Thank God your body kept the score, and what a score it is. I'm so sorry.

Your willingness to look closer and just be with it, until it revealed itself, is how this stuff happens. Your body is taking care of you and helping you realize truth. 

[Armee]

Thank you, Bee.  that was perfectly stated.

I only wish I had more awareness of what was in my brain, instead of my brain needing to speak through my body. It's unsettling to be so out of touch with what's happening in there.

[sanmagic7]

i completely relate to the body keeping the score, armee.  it has done so for me for many years now.  thankfully, as i've worked thru some issues, there is less score for it to keep now.  but, yeah, those things can pop up at any time, with no forethought, and just slam us.  i'm just so glad you're son is out of that woods now, and also that you were able to recognize your reaction was related to him. 

as for your fundamentalist 'friend' (and i use the word loosely), i'd have to agree with your T as to the nature of that encounter.  you may not have vocally said 'no' or 'stop', but you also didn't want to be treated like that, nor did you deserve to be.  that was not mutually desired, even if you couldn't speak your truth at the time.  it was about power and control.

sending love and a hug filled with continued realizations so your body doesn't have to bear such a burden in the future.

[Armee]

I have a stack of sympathy cards that have poured in from mostly work colleagues. I'm avoiding opening them. They've been sitting in a pile for a good week or two. Part of it may be avoiding the guilt of not being sad but mostly its avoiding the painful feeling of feeling people's care for me. That hurts so bad.

[Armee]

Thank you, San for understanding and for standing up for me against my own brain.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I noticed your mention about the sympathy cards.  I felt in my heart your dilemma as I would feel the same.  I hope you find a way to move through those cards and any subsequent interactions with others in a way that honors what you need right now. 

[Armee]

Thanks for understanding, Rainy.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Armee,

Is it worth considering there's two paths here?

One starts with should and leads to prolonging feelings you'd rather not experience now. The other is more radical and might lead to a shredder or basket.

If you follow the first path, would it be possible to disengage by responding in a neutral, brief way? Something like: "Thank you for your care and concern" This way, all the attention is on them, not you.

Letting those cards sit, especially within your daily sight (seems to me) to be a hindrance to your peace of mind. If you think you might feel like responding later, tuck them away, until that time comes. If in your heart you know you will NEVER want to respond in any way, then there's more options.

It's all on your healing journey, how can you best go forward? 

[Armee]

Your suggestions Bee made it very clear to me that i know what the issue is. It isn't the words of sympathy rubbing up against my feelings of relief or any guilt about that. It is wholly about the discomfort with receiving care from others. Thanks for helping with the clarity!!!

I am feeling triggered today. And it isn't really about my mom, though I guess it is, too. Part of it is about SA and not knowing what box to put things in and not understanding why that matters. Some is about memories I have that are partial...I know how they start but not how they end and so I don't actually know what happened.

And part is my daughter freaked out last night and today and that scares me her emotions can be really intense. But at least I can logically see I must be afraid even though my dominant feelings are guilt and shame i can tell myself I know that under it all is the core fear and that is the PTSD talking.

And at least now I have the potential for emdr to help.  Because using cognitive behavioral therapy I've gone as far as I can. Logically I know things are ok but the emotions are still there but buried, needing to catch up.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you're still sounding hopeful about emdr being able to help you continue on your path to health and wellness.  i have no doubt you'll have more understanding about which box to put what in soon.  love and hugs, armee.

[Armee]

I got the feels today.

The Secret Garden part of the compost thread...has me feeling so sad.

I'm sad for my kids. I'm sad they don't have a grandparent who can read to them. My mom wouldn't do stuff like that for them. She took their mom from them and didn't give anything back. I'm sad their two grandfathers gave a legacy I don't want to tell them about. I'm sad one of them was a good grandpa and a good person but only one of the grandkids got to meet him (my son). I'm sad the other didn't care enough about anyone but himself that he would do the things he did. I'm sad the remaining grandparent is such a kind peaceful person but lives across the world.

[Libby183]

Hi Armee.

I just wanted to drop by and wish you well with your EMDR treatment. It is a really difficult process, and at the time, I wasn't sure that it had helped very much. But looking back, I feel sure that it is a very powerful treatment. I truly believe that it dealt with my childhood trauma, leaving me able to get through the situation with my husband.

I really like the way that you talk of not having anyone toxic in your life at the moment. That sounds like a recipe for success in the future. I think once we get to that stage, it is a real milestone in our recoveries.