[TW?] My thoughts on over-eating/weight management

[Jazzy]

Preface: I don't struggle with over-eating; I actually have the opposite problem. However, I've been thinking about it a lot recently based on what the people in my life have told me, and some things that have been posted on this forum. So, I wanted to share my thoughts in hopes that it helps someone. If I'm totally off the mark, then I apologize.



As a lot of people know, learning about nutrition and healthy eating choices is often not enough to enable us to manage our weight as we would like. Of course, we need to apply that knowledge to see the changes we are looking for. Applying that knowledge is difficult to do, even in the best situation. Trauma really interferes with the way our mind works, and is certainly not the best situation, making it even harder, perhaps impossible, for us to apply that knowledge on a consistent basis.

I've been trying to find a way to overcome that difficulty, and something Kizzie said really stood out to me. Kizzie said that over eating is a way of comforting ourselves, and that in order to stop over eating, we need to find a different way to fulfill that need for comfort.

I think that need for comfort is really important, and a good, healthy function of the mind. It's a form of self-care. People suffering from trauma really need to be comforted. So, we shouldn't disregard it, but we should find more, alternative ways to fulfill it. That's pretty difficult to do too, and I think it may be unique to all of us. This led me to the thought: "overeating is a dysregulated form of self comfort" ... and, as far as I know dysregulated self comfort is a complex term for the word addiction.

Now, addiction is something I have struggled with. I can really relate and speak from experience on that topic. In my experience, society has an extremely poor understanding of what addiction really is, and as a result fails to handle it well. Please be careful if you look in to addiction treatment, I found a lot of it to be more harmful than helpful.

However, I found this video, which Kizzie linked a while ago, to be extremely helpful. By making changes in my life, based on the information of this video, I've been able to break all of the addictions that I struggled with for so long.
Click Here for the video (YouTube).

So, hopefully this is helpful for someone! I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks on this topic.

[CactusFlower]

Jazzy-  Amazing video, very powerful. I definitely wrote parts of it down to keep thinking about. I used to think that because I don't drink or do drugs or gamble, I had no addictive behaviors. But I definitely have identified a few since starting the healing process, not the least of which are comfort eating and impulsive shopping. The video's definitions really hit home for those. Thank you for sharing this. I'll be sending it to a friend who works as a substance abuse counselor.

[Jazzy]

I think Kizzie deserves a lot of the credit for originally sharing the video with me in another post, but thank you!

Jazzy-  Amazing video, very powerful. I definitely wrote parts of it down to keep thinking about. I used to think that because I don't drink or do drugs or gamble, I had no addictive behaviors. But I definitely have identified a few since starting the healing process, not the least of which are comfort eating and impulsive shopping. The video's definitions really hit home for those. Thank you for sharing this. I'll be sending it to a friend who works as a substance abuse counselor.

This... this is the best feedback I could ever get. Thank you so much for sending it to your friend, so that others can be helped too. I have tears in my eyes I am so happy and grateful. Thank you so much!

[smindia1981]

Preface: I don't struggle with over-eating; I actually have the opposite problem. However, I've been thinking about it a lot recently based on what the people in my life have told me, and some things that have been posted on this forum. So, I wanted to share my thoughts in hopes that it helps someone. If I'm totally off the mark, then I apologize.



As a lot of people know, learning about nutrition and healthy eating choices is often not enough to enable us to manage our weight as we would like. Of course, we need to apply that knowledge to see the changes we are looking for. Applying that knowledge is difficult to do, even in the best situation. Trauma really interferes with the way our mind works, and is certainly not the best situation, making it even harder, perhaps impossible, for us to apply that knowledge on a consistent basis.

I've been trying to find a way to overcome that difficulty, and something Kizzie said really stood out to me. Kizzie said that over eating is a way of comforting ourselves, and that in order to stop over eating, we need to find a different way to fulfill that need for comfort.

I think that need for comfort is really important, and a good, healthy function of the mind. It's a form of self-care. People suffering from trauma really need to be comforted. So, we shouldn't disregard it, but we should find more, alternative ways to fulfill it. That's pretty difficult to do too, and I think it may be unique to all of us. This led me to the thought: "overeating is a dysregulated form of self comfort" ... and, as far as I know dysregulated self comfort is a complex term for the word addiction.

Now, addiction is something I have struggled with. I can really relate and speak from experience on that topic. In my experience, society has an extremely poor understanding of what addiction really is, and as a result fails to handle it well. Please be careful if you look in to addiction treatment, I found a lot of it to be more harmful than helpful.

However, I found this video, which Kizzie linked a while ago, to be extremely helpful. By making changes in my life, based on the information of this video, I've been able to break all of the addictions that I struggled with for so long.
Click Here for the video (YouTube).

So, hopefully this is helpful for someone! I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks on this topic.

@jazzy
I very recently figured out that I have an eating disorder along with orthorexia. Self diagnosed.
I now understand that I have had an unhealthy relationship with food all my life.
I used to steal and hide food and steal.money and eat chocolates and sweets and everything else till I felt sick.
Shame has played a big part along with CSA.
I kind of agree with food being for comfort.  I haven't yet figured out what to replace it with.
But with slowly practicing self compassion it's a bit for understandable albeit still not under control.
My father was addicted to drugs and alcohol and barbiturates all his life.
Food being different than narcotics I really struggle with binging.
I will certainly watch the video. Dr. Mate's videos have been helpful in understanding my own toxic behaviour patterns.
I hope I am able to understand and develop a better relationship with food.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the video.
I continue to learn a lot from everyone here.
🙏

[Jazzy]

Hi smindia1981,

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry to hear you have had an unhealthy relationship with food all of your life. Food is such a basic requirement of life, and it says a lot to me about how badly we have been treated for our minds to develop this reaction to eating.

I hope the video is helpful for you, but it's okay if not. I'm sure you will continue to develop an understanding and better relationship with food. Your attitude sounds great, and I expect it will lead you to great success!

Jazzy <3

[smindia1981]

@jazzy, thank you for getting back.
I wish I could say I have a good attitude more often than not.
But yes, I am better most days than before.
Last few weeks have been trouble with food.
In Pete Walker's book, he advises not to get into dieting or anything similar until and unless it's a matter of life and death.
It's not in my case. I haven't been anorexic, neither have I been obese.
Just a warped relationship with sweets.
There seems to a constant watching that I do of how much am I eating. Lack of impulse control is also a contributing factor.
Sorry if it's too much.  Don't have anywhere else to vent or rant.
Thanks for reading.
🙏

[Kizzie]

I kind of agree with food being for comfort.  I haven't yet figured out what to replace it with.
But with slowly practicing self compassion it's a bit for understandable albeit still not under control.

This is exactly where I'm at  smindia    It's hard to know how to replace food with other comforts but at least like you I know why I'm overeating now and am able to consider it from this perspective too.

I used to smoke, shop and even drank at one point but managed to give those up.  Eating is just so hard because you can't just stop eating.

[smindia1981]

@kizzie, I agree the understanding of behaviour to some extent helps a bit
But hard to put into practice what the rational brain already knows. No point dieting, over exercising and all that. I stopped working putand dieting. I eat pretty clean, but not what I am supposed to eat as a trainer. I am afraid that like my father I may develop an addiction to alcohol or narcotics or cigarettes if I don't deal with this.  I haven't ever smoked, drank only on a few occasions in my life. But with this kind of behaviour,  one never knows. I realise, feeling hungry makes me angry, as if I am.not supposed to be hungry. And then I go and binge, not too much but enough to make me feel guilty and sabotage my process of healing. I was doing fine, but then suddenly I slipped. I feel guilt and shame as my kids are depending on me. I feel I am constantly letting them down. Sometimes I wish, there was something I could do to put my head right and forget about everything.  My rage is hard to manage. I just go silent because I don't want to hurt the people I love, but uts hard. I saw the Jp sears video on shame
I will work on that. In the absence of therapy due to financial constraints,  this site has become a useful tool and a dependable ally, who listens and accepts,  without asking questions.  So thanks a lot. Every reply, means that neither am I alone, nor am I stupid. Thank you

[Jazzy]

Smindia1981:

Thank you for sharing here.

Sorry if it's too much.  Don't have anywhere else to vent or rant.
Thanks for reading.

You're welcome. It is not too much! I'm glad you have found this place to express your feelings with the rest of us. You may also want to consider starting a journal for yourself if you would like to write on more topics. I found it to be very helpful!

A lot of things you say here are very emotional for me. I'm glad you're taking steps to be healthy instead of just doing what you're told like dieting and working out.

I realise, feeling hungry makes me angry, as if I am.not supposed to be hungry.

I have been malnourished my entire life, up until perhaps 2 months ago. I'm confident we're not supposed to be hungry. When I feel hungry, that means I am lacking in nutrition, which is not a good thing for me.

I try to eat a little bit before I become hungry, so that I don't  get to the point where I am lacking nutrition. On the other hand, I only eat a little bit at a time, so I don't become full. To me, neither hungry nor full are as healthy, both physically and mentally, as comfortable.

I understand how you feel. Those feelings are powerful and challenging to deal with. I understand going silent; I have done that for many years as well. I don't want to hurt anyone either. I'm sorry you are feeling those things, and I hope you find some peace soon.

Sometimes I wish, there was something I could do to put my head right and forget about everything.

In my experience, this is the best possible thing to do. After I sorted out all of my overpowering emotions, things like my diet and exercise became much more manageable. Excellent job figuring this out! 

I have made dietary and other lifestyle changes that I only ever dreamed of being able to make. If I can do it, I'm sure you and anyone else can too! The mind is extremely powerful, but like anything, it needs the right conditions to be able to work to its full potential.

Every reply, means that neither am I alone, nor am I stupid. Thank you

You are not alone, here. You are most certainly not stupid either! All the best to you, Smindia1981.  if it is welcome by you.

Jazzy <3

[Kizzie]

   You're definitely not alone Smindia 

I sense (although I'm not quite there yet) that as Jazzy has touched on in terms of his experience my need to comfort will shift away from food as I begin to manage my emotions more. 

I'm sorry you don't have a therapist to help;  I hope by talking about things here it will help.  I stayed silent for a really long time too and it was only when I began to share and be more open that I began to see progress.  I wish the same for you 

PS - IMO trying to help yourself will end up rippling out to your kids. 

[smindia1981]

@jazzy, thank you, a big hug back to you.
I have slowly realised over the past year or two, almost the same amount of time I went NC with my mother, that I have excessive anxiety which I try to control and manage. With food, with perfectionist attitude with procrastination.  I even constantly hold my breath.
I have always been someone who would over train, over diet , not rest.
I also understand now that so many toxic behaviour patterns I had and still have, as coping mechanisms to manage fear, rage, anxiety and shame.
For now, I feel food is what I am using to deal with a lot of stuff and I am trying to accept it.
I do feel a lot of things in my head didn't go as supposed to because of what I was put through.
I am trying to change. 
My hunger also might be misplaced I feel.
Like I don't know if I am actually hungry or eating because I am.anxious or what.
Having people to talk to here has been a godsend. It took me a long time to decide to write.
I still feel fear.
Fear of being abused verbally, physically and just being told how unworthy I am.
Constantly the feeling of being unworthy just keeps on and on in my head.
I was writing a bit in a journal but I stopped. I don't know why.
I have a fear of someone reading it and then humiliating me, even though there is no way it can  happen now. My husband is super supportive,  and he won't even think of it.
But it was done so many times as a child that I am afraid,  illogical I  know.
But I agree, it's helpful.
Thank you for reading through and reverting back .
Every message back helps me move a bit closer to the light.
🙏

@kizzie thank you. Yes, I agree with jazzy and you. Managing emotions will lead to a better relationship with food. Slowly I do believe I might be able to do that.
Talking here had been so therapeutic.  Because I want to become a better parent. And yes, helping myself will ensure my kids have a better parent.
T

[Kizzie]

 

[Jazzy]

smindia1981,

I understand everything you have written here. I have had many similar experiences myself. I think you are right on with all of the thoughts and feelings. I'm very impressed that you have worked so much out on your own. 

I'm glad you decided to write, it sounds very helpful! I understand you're still afraid though. That's okay! It is incredibly brave of you to share that. 

It's okay that you're not ready to write a journal yet. It's good that you stopped when you needed too. That's great work taking care of yourself and listening to your feelings! 

if it is welcome by you

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Like I don't know if I am actually hungry or eating because I am.anxious or what.

This is a very important point!

It's taken me a lot of work and a long time to get to the point where I can now usually figure out what my body is missing, be it carbs, protein, calcium, or something else. Being able to give my body exactly what it needs is very helpful for weight management.

The key to being able to do that is to listen to those little whispers from my body/subconscious mind. When I feel hungry, I think about different foods and think about which one appeals to me more at the time. Sometimes if I'm not thinking logically too well for whatever reason, I will just note what I reach for first in the fridge.

If I want something sugary, that means I need carbs. If I reach for milk or dairy, that means I need calcium. If I crave meat, that means I am lacking protein. I expect many of us know this logically with all we have studied, but being able to feel and act on it is another thing entirely.

Wanting sugary is tricky, because it also has a strong emotional tie. It helps with feeling anxious, as Smindia1981 said. So, if I want something sugary but I'm also not feeling good (not alright or okay, but actually good), I have a very little bit of carbs and do something else to help improve my mood, like going for a short walk.

If I'm still craving sugar after 10 minutes or so, I have a bit more carbs, and do a bit more exercise, and repeat until I'm feeling better again.

Like everything it is a process, which takes time, effort, and encouragement to figure out. It is possible though, and the less stress a person is under, the faster and easier it will be.

I don't know where everyone is at in their own lives on this topic, but if you make a point to take just one small step forward, I'm sure you will see good results in no time!

<3 Jazzy

[smindia1981]

@jazzy,
Interesting point about cravings. I generally go for sweet stuff. Like cookies or dates or chocolate if there, or similar things.
Occasionally I will eat chips or anything but that is not that common.
I was hungry today and lunch got delayed, so I ate dates and a couple of cookies.  The problem could also be in how I view things.  I don't think I should be eating any junk at all, and I should be more like the trainers you see online. I don't look like that. I don't eat like that.
I have done all that but haven't been happy with my body still.
Right now I am at a good weight,  I am.not overweight but postpartum gut , well let's say as much as I love my kids, am not so in love with my body.
Currently working on self acceptance. Working put and running would just drive my hunger even more. I kept over training but never paid attention to my disordered eating patterns as I manage to look physically in shape.
But I just don't want to do this anymore.
I want to first focus on why I eat and what and then on other stuff. Inside out.
Strange how you can make out what you are craving for. I just go and eat something sweet to ease the anxiety. At times I am hungry, which makes me angry as if I should not be hungry,  which in turn drives me to eat sugary stuff, and then it just keeps going.
Exercise is good but because I end up over training all the time, I have decided to take a break and focus on food and emotions.
Practising yoga helps.
I will try to your approach about finding out what do I actually want to eat
Thank you for such detailed and insightful replies.
Helps a lot.
🙏👏