'Full of Hate'

[bluepalm]

This poem came to me this afternoon - about two traumatic incidents with my parents that happened to me over 60 years ago.

Full of hate

So, my father stood before me, 
and I was about eight.
My father stood before me
and he was full of hate.

'You are not human' he said.
'You're somewhere between an animal
and a human', he said,
and his voice was full of hate.

'Only boys and men are human', he said.
'Only boys and men are allowed
to speak', he said,
and his voice was full of hate. 

'And because you are not human, 
you have no rights', he said.  
'You have no right to speak', he said,
and his voice was full of hate. 

So silently I turned away.
Thinking, I have less value than the worst of men.
To my father I am less than human, 
and he is full of hate. 

So, I stood by my mother in the kitchen.
She was washing dishes,
staring at the dirty water.
'Am I beautiful?' I asked her.

Silence. Her eyes did not move.

I stood by my mother in the kitchen.
She was washing dishes,
staring at the dirty water.
'Well, am I pretty?' I asked her.

Silence. Her eyes did not move.

I stood by my mother in the kitchen.
She was washing dishes,
staring at the dirty water.
'Well, am I attractive?' I asked her.

Silence. Her eyes did not move.

So silently I stole away to my room.
I must be ugly, I thought.
To my mother I am ugly, 
and she is full of hate. 

bluepalm

[Not Alone]

Heartbreaking. Completely heartbreaking. And it makes me angry at your parents. Bluepalm, they lied. You are precious and beautiful. You are worthy to be cared for and loved and known.

[bluepalm]

Thank you so much notalone. I have a couple of times, over the years, mentioned these incidents to people and I have always been met with blank looks and silence. It is therefore hugely validating to read your response to what I have written. These private moments of devastating trauma certainly broke my heart and they live inside me with horrible freshness after all this time.

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry you had to grow up in such a painfully invalidating home, bluepalm. And your poetry is very powerful.  Stanza 5 really struck me.

[PhoenixA]

Bluepalm I am so sorry you had to live through such a horrific childhood. To have two such destructive parents is really awful. I very much second what notalone said!  They were wrong - and in your poem you hit the nail on the head - they were full of hate.  Isn't it amazing how words from so long ago can have such life and presence in the now.
I hope you will find the peace, acceptance, and knowledge of your worth and beauty here from us and inside yourself.
Thank you for the vulnerability to share such a vivid poem and memory.

[Aish]

I feel like I understand this poetry so much, and it is a strange kind of comfort knowing others have survived it.  Thank you for your expression and I hope it empowers you.

[bluepalm]

Thank you all. I understand your wish to express sorrow for my experiences but part of me doesn't want to burden anyone with the need to say that. In fact I have had a panicked response after posting this poem - too raw, too much, too horrible to let out. But I've calmed down now and only feel gratitude for your acknowledgements. And I think writing this poem and posting it has empowered me - it has diminished the impact of these incidents. Cut them down to  size. Thank you all again. 

[BeeKeeper]

bluepalm

I'm a bit late with this, because I don't look here much.

It takes a lot to bring that up and write it down. It takes even more to live with it. The total rejection is devastating.
I'm glad you've calmed down from the panic. I get that too, over much, much less than this. Whenever you can bring these things up, you're right: it empowers you, diminishes the impact and cuts them down to size. May they stay small.

[Kizzie]

I missed your poem too BluePalm and so wish I hadn't. 

I want to go back in time with you and tell young you that you are the best little girl anyone could wish for.  I want to yell at your parents for not telling you all these things and then I would scoop you in my arms and give you the biggest, warmest, safest hug and say "NO matter what, don't you ever believe these lies they are telling you. You are wonderful."

 

[bluepalm]

Oh Kizzie thank you! Your response brings smiles and tears. You know I do this with my dogs - I scoop them up and hug them and tell them 'I love you so much, you are so beautiful' and I know its my way of hearing the words I never heard and it gives me pleasure and comfort to say those words out loud to myself and my lovely dogs. 

[Kizzie]

   Scooping you up and telling you "You are wonderful"