Gaslighting

[Aish]

I know you knew and you denied it anyway.

I know you hurt me to manipulate me and denied it anyway.

I know you pretend to care when others are around.

I know you don't care when it was just you an me.

I know you exacerbated my insecurities to your advantage.

Knowing you know and knowing you can't admit it is impossible for me to grasp.

Knowing you were suppose to teach me honesty is ironic.

I know you aren't honest, but you try to obtain the reputation of honesty.

I know I learned unconscious resentment by your behavior, but I won't let that define me.

I know I will change myself as best I can independent of your actions.

I know you know and deny it.

[bluepalm]

Aish, you could be describing my parents and my former husband and how they 'played' me.

I wish at the time I could have articulated the effect of being gaslighted so clearly. Instead I was just confused and miserable and ended up disbelieving my own reality so strongly that I was helpless in their grip for too many long years.

I remember one moment when, as a fully grown adult in my forties, I looked at my hand and wondered whether I did indeed have five fingers or not. (I did and I do.)  At that age at least I had the insight to know that when this thought crossed my mind it was because I'd been taught at some profound level to mistrust my own perceptions.

Thank you for this powerful poem. Gaslighting is evil!