New Member Here - Never reached out before

[FlushDraw]

Hello everyone, I am 41, and a trauma and abuse survivor. I've never had adequate mental health care, mostly because of the shortage of doctors where I live (the American Southwest). I've never been formally diagnosed with C-Ptsd, but I've read quite a bit about it. It seems to explain things about myself that weren't explainable before. Before Covid hit, I had a breakdown and had to take an absence of leave from my job. Covid aggravated everything.

I can't go back to my job yet, I'm supposed to move with my family to a new place at the end of the month. But this month, something shifted. I stopped taking my medications because of losing insurance. But the last two weeks I have been keeping myself together through brute force of will. I know that none of this advisable, but it's the only time I've ever felt myself improve, even if it's just a little.

I just want to stay alive. I don't want to die from this.

I'm not sure what more to say. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and I hope I can help out when I can, as well. Thank you for this site!

[Not Alone]

Thank you for posting and introducing yourself. A warm welcome. 

[woodsgnome]

  Welcome, FlushDraw.

It can feel scary to reach out, for sure. Yet it can turn out to bring you closer to the self-regarding human being you know you can get closer to. Here's hoping you find some more ways to find your peace here on this forum.

[Armadillo]

Hi, welcome. I'm so glad you want to stay alive and I'm so sad that the suffering you feel can make you feel afraid for your will to live.

I know accessing mental health care can be so so challenging for so many reasons including cost! But don't forget that even if your area doesn't have good mental health care providers many are now very adept at providing therapy online so you now have more access to providers. And online therapy isn't as awkward as you'd think.

I didn't get help until I was 40. I'm sad I wasted so many years of an otherwise very happy present life by unknowingly suffering through the effects of trauma. But it's never too late.

I'm happy you posted a welcome. 

[Jazzy]

Welcome FlushDraw,

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with healthcare. Unfortunately, I have had similar difficulties. I'm also sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you, but I hope that your healing journey goes well, and you find the improvement in your life that you're looking for.

I agree with the others, and echo what they have said. I do want to point out one thing in your post that particularly stood out to me though:

I know that none of this advisable, but it's the only time I've ever felt myself improve, even if it's just a little.

Almost everything that was advisable didn't work very well for me, although I don't want to tell you not to take medication. That's between you and your doctor, and ultimately your choice. However, I think that our minds generally know what is best for us, even if they are very damaged. It's so great that you've felt yourself improve, and I hope you take the steps necessary to improve further, even if they go against traditional wisdom.

All the best to you FlushDraw!

[FlushDraw]

Thank you all so very much for all the kindness and compassion! I feel like this is one of the best things I've done in a long time. And thank you for your suggestions! This is going to be a long hard road out of *, but I'm finding support in many places. Again, I thank you all for that!

[TreseO]

FlushDraw,
This is my first response here. I'm 68 and feel exactly like you. You have years ahead of you girl! This place may just be your turning point. Me? I'm going to try a drug that is being used for CPTSD. I need a little peace in my mind.

[CactusFlower]

Welcome, you've found a great group of people who understand. My best advice would be to just jump in and post, maybe start one of the journals. it's been really helpful to make connections here.

I too am in the SW and the accessibility is an issue. Feel free to message me privately with what state you're in if that feels okay. If you're in my state, I know some nice social worker people who love making recommendations and I can share my experience so far here. I'm 51 and have found a really good therapist, I'm grateful. Do whatever you need to (online therapy is totally valid if they're licensed and you 'click') to take care of yourself.

Peace