The end of something old, the start of something new

[Renaissance]

I would like to thank you for accepting me onto this forum, and it has taken me a while to be able to write and to continue to do so without stopping and pressing delete. I am 54 and was diagnosed with PTSD almost 2 years ago for numerous traumas over a long duration, starting in my childhood and I also have a secondary condition of avoidance personality disorder. Furthermore, I consider myself to be extremely lucky as I have a team of people who are treating me, although I am still unsure if I am at the beginning or in the middle of this journey. I do know that it will take a lot of effort from myself, having to check and re-evaluate my behaviour and how I react to both people and environments for the rest of my life.

I chose my name because above all else I am a humanist and hoping that I will be reborn to be true to myself and in turn to other people.....sorry if this comes across as rambling.

I did believe I had everything in order and had coped relatively OK, until a tiny event opened a Pandora's box of pain, confusion, dread and absolute powerlessness that had me pressing my self-destruct button. 

The only reason I did not try to take my life (had 1 previous attempt over30 years ago) is because I realized it could cause PTSD in others and I would not wish this on anyone.

I hope that by learning from all of you I will be able to communicate in a clearer  and more coherent way that I have not been able to do for so long. This has made it almost impossible for me to have any sort of relationship and even the couple of friends I do have, I find myself struggling to nurture and not neutralize. Thank you all for your time and I hope to keep you in touch with what I have already learned and future lessons that lie on my path.

[woodsgnome]

  What an appropriate choice of names as you seek your personal Renaissance. It might seem simple, but finding this new door in your life can provide some hope, even if the road forward seems filled with hazards.

One thing to start off good about is your attitude that yes, it is indeed hard, but hey -- you're also no longer entirely alone. Even though we're all 'virtual', it can mean the world to have found anyone who's 'walked the talk', as it were.

Here's to finding your renaissance.