Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

[Bermuda]

Thanks for the kindness.

I am writing my story and jumping around a bit adding details and connecting stories as the connections come to, and I suppose this is in very real way connecting the trauma.

Somehow in the way I write about it here it's sliced nicely into digestable little bits, whereas as a whole it's not something I am prepared to confront.

I have lots of very mixed contradictory feelings as different parts of me try to cope in different ways, I suppose... and I kind of don't want to feel it. I just want to get it out and have it be, no emotion attached. No me, no subjectivity, no subject.

[Bermuda]

I believe it was Kizzie who said something yesterday that my mind has been holding onto. It all stems from neglect. Before I heard that I had been trying to think about how to best describe a neglectful situation (in the more traditionally understood sense) and also maybe the role it put me in emotionally and physically.

This morning I woke up and went into the kitchen, I looked through the fridge and got very excited. I was going to make my kids one of my favourite meals I would make myself as a child, but veganised obviously.

I fried up some hashbrowns, and preheated the oven. I made some vegan egg batter with chopped garlic and chives. I chopped up the hashbrowns. I made some drop biscuit dough. I got out a muffin tin and placed a ball of dough in the bottom of each one, sprinkled potato on top, topped with the vegan egg batter, two slices of smoked vegan sausage, topped with vegan cheese, and put it in the oven to bake. Breakfast muffins!

It was such a muscle memory kind of experience.

At that moment my husband and daughter came in. I was explaining how excited I was, and how this was one of my favourite things to cook when I was... little.

You see, that's when it hit me. Those happy moments experimenting in the kitchen alone when I was still in single digits was not normal. That's not normal. I was looking at my kids, and ... No. That's not normal. I stopped explaining my excitement to my husband.

I don't think of neglect often because we were raised to be extremely self-sufficient, and I was. I more often think of neglect in the emotional manipulation sense, as it pertains to myself... But I guess like all types abuse I went through it makes sense that this one would also be hidden under the guise of resilience and self-reliance.

She made a child who was capable of creating and executing a complex muffin recipe, without a recipe, and an adult who falls apart at the memory of being happily alone in the kitchen, making herself and her siblings breakfast muffins.

I am feeling confused, confronted. The muffins were very tasty. The things that felt happy, when I was alone, were just as bad. I just wish I could hold onto the good. I don't think I will be making breakfast muffins again.

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, Bermuda. It's all so sad.

But it seems to me particularly sad that the breakfast muffins experience turned sour for you. Yes, they came out of a horrible situation and yes, it is not normal that a small child should be making breakfast muffins unsupervised. But you invented them. You! As a small child you made a lovely, wholesome and nutritious breakfast for you and your siblings. It came, and still comes, from the love and care in your heart. That is your love and care and she has not been able to take that away from you. Whatever scars she has inflicted, whatever she has taken from you, or spoiled, she has not taken everything. You are too good and too strong and too resilient for her to be able to do that. The excitement at doing nice things for others is still there.

I hope one day you will be able to make breakfast muffins again, and enjoy them. Maybe not for a while, and I get that. But I believe you will.

[Bermuda]

NarcKiddo, I became a bit emotional after reading your reply. It's true. Excitement is one of those difficult emotions in general.


I was mindlessly swiping, and although I didn't stop I briefly saw a quote. It said at the top Complex Trauma followed by a quote "Who was the first to discover water? It probably wasn't a fish." I only saw it for a millisecond, but yes, that sums it up so so well.

[Bermuda]

Trigger warning: SA, not graphic.

Today I learned that I was sexually abused as a child. It's not that I had a new memory, but instead I Googled the definitions of SA and CSA. I looked up laws in about 15 different countries and compared them against each other, and against medical guidelines and the WHO. I know that morality is not the same as legality, but the overwhelming consensus is that I was sexually abused. I was sexually abused as it is described by law in almost every country I came across information on.

I was not being sensitive. I was not just complaining over nothing. I was actually being sexually abused.

I feel like this will be one of those revelations that I can distance myself from, but in a week it will crash into my lap and I will fall apart. I was sexually abused as a child, and I was sexually assulted as an adult. I have survived sexual abuse.

Oi. Difficult words to say.

[Moondance]

 

I'm so sorry Bermuda

[Armee]

I echo that hug, if it feels safe. 

Lots of people on here who can support you through the realization. We are here for you and you aren't alone. I'm so sorry you were abused and assaulted.

[NarcKiddo]

What the others said. We are here to stand by you as you process this.

[cyberJudas]

I understand entirely the feeling - even before my abuser was in the picture, a lot of weird things slipped under my radar due to being a child and uninformed. I am wishing you the strength and space you need to process this. I feel like the actual hit of realization and processing always hits you at the worst time.

[Bermuda]

I guess I am fortunate that I have been extremely busy. This is the first moment I have had to myself in so long. I can't remember the last time I was alone, even to shower or use the bathroom. Wow. Well, just realised the housekeeper is here... But that's still close to being alone. Magical.

I haven't processed anything. I went to a Jul i Juli party (Christmas in July) with a friend, made us elaborate costumes before hand. It was intense. Her and I both felt so awkward the whole time. There was a lot of adult humour. I was quite terrified I would be asked to participate in some of the party games. Everyone was quite animated, and generally having a great time. When we both left, my friend turned to me and said her social battery was at -100. We looked over the pictures everyone took, and her and I look lost, confused, and overwhelmed in every photo. It's because we were.

So, now I have a moment to breathe. Tomorrow I have an important appointment for my son. I am rehearsing my lines, thinking about how to act and dress. It's just over a month now until university starts up again, and I am so happy for that. I am thinking about about studying time and a half again. Routine is so important to my mental health, and it's something I fought so hard against most of my life because I had never experienced it. I just need my routine and reasonable expectations.

Time to process will come however, whether I pause or not.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you have got the party over with. I hate those things.

I'm also glad you have today to breathe and decompress. Obviously you need to prepare for your son's appointment tomorrow but I hope you can also find some time just to look after yourself today, too.

I know exactly what you mean about the importance of routine, and also about resenting it in the past. In my past the routine was always imposed by others. Obviously with a job and children and general demands of adult life our routines are also to some extent imposed on us. But we do now have agency and we can decide how we best manage our routines which was not always the case.

Take care of yourself.

[Kizzie]

OMG Bermuda, that party sounds awful!  At least you gave it a go so kudos.  You absolutely have to drag me to things like that.  It made things difficult being a military spouse because there were always so many social events. Ugh.

I hope the appointment for your son goes well 

[Bermuda]

One thing my friend had mentioned that I had noticed too, was how everyone showed up completely sober. They were the sort of people who can just have fun, but not just drunk. I really try to push myself even though I am an exceptionally serious person. I get the impression that people like the people at that party, look at people like my friend and I, and assume we are being judgemental. That's, at least for me, definitely not the case. I say that I get the impression, but it's because people have at different points accused me of being a snob when I am not happily participating. It's not just an impression. In reality I envy people who can be silly. It must be an amazing thing to just let go, and somehow forcing myself to do things that make me uncomfortable is in a way the opposite of that by default.

I haven't been online much at all. I haven't been keeping up with anything on this forum. I haven't been writing. I do wonder whether I am avoiding it out fear of being triggered. I might be.

I wanted to add to my journal today, and I actually thought of creating a different journal for things like this, parenting things. I often think about these things my mother would repeat to me, excuses for her behaviour. She always said things like, "One day you'll understand." There are a lot of things I understand, but senselessness will always be senseless. I have these voices play in my head as I am playing with my children. It reminds me that I don't have a single memory of my parents being with me. Not even playing, but just being there next to me engaging with me. My mother was always so overwhelmed. She micromanaged everything from the way I sat, how I lifted my feet as I walked, if I had my mouth open she would remind me that my soul was slipping out. She controlled my biorhythm, my routine to the second, my emotions, and tried to control my thoughts. My mother WAS overwhelmed. The more domineering her presence became, the more work she had to put in to maintain the level of control she expected to have. She was overwhelmed. What she did was senseless.

I spend so much time every day just engaging with my children. It's not a learned behaviour. I am just interested in them, in their lives, in their thoughts. We play games, sometimes the same scenario 25 times in a row. I don't always have fun, but I do it because I like seeing them happy. I want to know them. I guide my children into doing things that benefit them and society, and I explain why the things we do are important. Aside from the actually important things, like toothbrushing, we don't manage our children. We don't own our children. They are their own people. Seeing them as individuals is a far less overwhelming thing to do. I can't imagine winding myself up in stress trying to break children to my own will, only to tell them they will understand when they have children of their own. It's senseless. It benefits no one. My mother was wrong.

[Bermuda]

I just wanted to continue. Another thought. My mother created these online accounts to try to phish my location. She lied and had me posted as an underage missing person. On one of these public accounts about me, I remember reading a post she had written. I don't remember the context, but one of the things she said was, "You were always so much smarter than me." This. I am sure to you reading this here, reads much how I read it. Those who are unfamiliar would likely read it very differently.

You were always so much smarter than me.

It says pity me. Feel guilty. I am not sorry, because you should be sorry. It's a public plea that is to be read as survivor's guilt, but it's actually a way to control me. She wasn't a survivor. I have always had to be smarter. I am smarter, and I am the survivor.

When I am parenting and I hear my mother's voice, I even hear her argumentation. "You will understand someday. You think you are so much better than me. I will show what you really are. ...You have always been so much smarter than me."

In the words of my mother, but directed toward my mother. "I never had a mother. Nobody taught be how to be a parent."

[Armee]

I don't want to post much because I want to respect where you are at right now with triggering. I hope it's OK to leave a big hug and agreement that it was senseless and that you are right: your mother WAS wrong.