Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

[Hope67]

Hi Bermuda,
Those clear glitter jellies with the silver glitter sound lovely - I know you may or may not buy them, but I think they sound lovely.
Just wanted to also send you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

I am at a point with CPTSD that I can clearly see what is happening as it happens, but I can't control it.

This is progress. It really is. And it seems to me you are doing more than seeing what is happening - you are also seeing why it is happening. This, in my view, is not just semantics. At least, not in my experience, which was:

1. I am normal and my life and FOO is normal
2. Something is not normal. Don't know what or why. Must be me.
3. My FOO is not normal and I have trauma.
4. This weird reaction is an EF. Nothing I can do about it. Ride it out.
5. This EF is not a weird reaction. Person X did Y and it triggered me because...
6. Someone is doing Y and I can feel an EF starting. Maybe if I respond by doing Z the EF will not be so bad.

The part of your post I quoted reads to me like you are talking about stage 4. I think you are actually talking about stages 4,5, and 6 (and maybe you are; you did not choose to make this numbered list. Sorry if I am being annoying.)

I've taken a very long route to say that I actually think you are close to being able to stand up to her. Closer than you think, anyway. Standing up for them is a huge thing in itself. But once you are consistently analysing why you are feeling and doing what you are to protect yourself it opens the door to considering other ways in which you can still protect yourself but also buy, and enjoy, the nail polish.

Also, I am loving the sound of your daughter's new shoe wardrobe.

 

[Armee]

I agree with NK. You are very far along and that list looks a lot like the steps I've had to muddy through too. For me the hardest to get to and through was 5. That required wrapping my mind around what happened rather than continue to call myself messed up.

I hope you can find a way to buy those silver glitter jellies. ✨️

I have found myself doing the same thing with tabs and shopping and closing things without finishing. Usually it is when I attempt an online shopping errand while I am in an EF and as a subconscious way to take my mind away from the EF. But when I am in an EF and shopping I get overwhelmed too. Close tabs. Go to the bathroom. Get lost there. Go to the kitchen start making something and forget what I'm making and set off the smoke detector. Remember I was shopping and go back to try again and repeat for about an hour.

You aren't alone, though you do have a lot of triggers because of the depth of abuse you went through and the constant-ness of it. It makes complete sense that everything you try to do or buy has a trigger wrapped up in it. I read your story. It makes complete sense to me.

[Bermuda]

I saw the anaesthesiologist. That was the most horrible medical experience I have had in such a long time, since the last time I was sedated actually. It's so bad. I am in tears, and I don't think I will go through with the surgery.

TW: Medical gaslighting, strong language

I'm just going to say I have a paradoxical reaction to sedation and can't be put to sleep here, for anyone who is just joining us. It's a thing. It's been a thing forever. I'm not bothered by it. It's just fact. Had a presurgical appointment today with an anaesthesiologist. So, I got there and he was leaning over his desk smirking and scoffing at me, quizzing me. Quizzing me! We was trying poke holes in my experiences. He asked about pain, and I told him about how during my second breast surgery the surgeon used injectables as he cut, and just told me to let him know where I needed more as he went. The anaesthesiologist (we will call him Ana for short) said, "Well then he didn't use sedation! That's just local." That's when I went back to the point that that was my second surgery, and I had told him my first surgeon hadn't been able to sedate me, and it was what we had discussed as an alternative if it happened again. It had. Then Ana laughed at me and said, "Have you been Googling this?" And I answered honestly with, "No, not until last week. It doesn't affect me." Ana smirked and asked where I got the term from. I told him about my endoscopy, in which the doctor who also didn't believe me, shouted it at a nurse as she stormed out of the room directly after the procedure. He asked me about if it was the doctor who was giving me anaesthesia or someone else. I told him honestly that I don't really remember. These things were all years ago. He laughed and said that it's probably just alertness and that some people have paralysis but have a state of alertness where they can see what is happening. I then went over again the exact conversation I had with my surgeons as they were cutting me, and how during my endoscopy I was held down by nurses, and when finished I just stood up and left. I had told him my husband was in the room during this. I don't get the impression he was listening. He laughed and said he would Google it, but he is confident that he will get me to sleep. He said they give intervenous medication and then tube me when I am out, and that there is a nurse by my side if I need anything. ...As if that is my concern... And then he said, "Do you feel better? Do you trust you will be put to sleep?" I answered, "No." Obviously, no. What the refrigerator! I told him that I was not there because I was concerned. Now I am super concerned, I didn't say that. What just happened? Did he miss the memo that I had had this conversation several times before?

Do I opt out of surgery now? This is not going to go well. He thinks he's going to just tube me and that this is made up. I am laughing and crying. I'm so angry.

Just because you are a specialist does not make you special.

[Armee]

Oh goodness. No i would not go under the knife with this buffoon.

Does the medical system there restrict you to only one surgeon/anesthesiologist? Can your doctor help you find someone who understands this?

Ugh I'm so sorry. I'd be shaking with anger.

Is it possible to get notes from your previous procedures that would document this? (And not take it to Mr smug&$# but someone else).

[Bermuda]

So, how it works here is I am on a waiting list for this surgery. I am high up on the list because of my age, health status, and the extent of the "defect". The list is for the whole region, and I am also a last minute fall-back if someone cancels. The surgery should happen at several different hospitals. This guy is unlikely to be my surgeon, because he works here at the largest hospital that is predominently for emergency cases.

So, realistically, it's unlikely that I would be faced with that. However, my medical information is in a shared database, and whatever nonsense he typed up today will be in my medical journal. I worry that if I see another ana who thinks they can simply triple the dose for me, that if it's not working because of damaged seratonin receptors, that there can be very negative consequences for me. Worse consequences than just listening to what I'm saying. People can have depressive episodes, or worse, psychosis. Imagine psychosis on the operating table, and the doctors being unprepared with the medication that reverses the affect of the paradoxical reaction, or waking up completely suicidal after a ridiculous dose. That's a no from me. After my first surgery I was very teary for no reason, and I didn't know until just recently why. My surgeon at the time said it was from the ana and that it's relatively common. Knowing what I know now, and reading what I just read, it's related to this paradoxical reaction and the reason I can't be sedated. I can imagine what that would feel like if an ana tried to be persistent, to be right, just to win.

I am a person. This surgery is supposed to make my human experience better. What is worse, organ prolapse, or risk of my sanity? Tough call, but I have been fine with the organ issue for two years now.

...Just imagine psychosis during intubation... I am rather certain that's nightmare material.

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds awful.

Since you know what hospital this horrid guy works at, I guess you can refuse any surgery slot that comes up there? And if you don't feel reassured by the team on the day at any hospital that seems safe, you can walk out.

Could you maybe raise your concerns with the doctor who referred you for surgery in the first place? It seems like you have accepted surgery is a sensible option for you so it would be a shame if horrid guy wrecks that option.

 

[Bermuda]

Is it possible to get notes from your previous procedures that would document this? (And not take it to Mr smug&$# but someone else).

I don't have information from that time in my life, way back then. It's a closed door. Then there was the military, and I can say no there too. The last situation was in Germany. The actually made a snide comment about this asking is this producure was in [redacted country name] while rolling his eyes. I said no, it was in Germany, I am usually all for the snide comments, but this time it was not funny. 7 procedures, by 7 different doctors. In different countries. It's not the medical care.

NarcKiddo, it's difficult. I didn't book any of these appointments. They just called me in because I never followed up, and then I went, and they told me I need surgery, and then I told them this issue, and then they booked this, and I showed it. It's a tread mill that I accidentally got on, and I don't know how to step back. I didn't get here by going to my doctor. It was a postpartum midwife issue.

[Bermuda]

I am really falling apart. I can't sleep. I am questioning everything. Repeat, rewind, repeat, rewind, 𝄆 ∞  I feel I set myself up for this. I put myself in a position to defend my case, and I didn't even have the information that he used against me. I don't know what he knows. So there I was explaining myself like a child. It was all wrong.

It's the treadmill. He could see it.

I did things he said. I didn't ask questions. I replied without insisting. I was concise and unemotional, as I practice to be. I should have realised what was happening and instead completely dominated the discussion. Whenever he would go off course, I shouldn't have gone with him. I should have directed back to what I was saying as if he hadn't spoken. I didn't question HIM. He showed plenty of fault. A good jab back would have been reasonable, especially as a salutation when I had finished with what I had to say.

Imagine if when he cut me off laughing while I was speaking I gently shushed him, and told him in a motherly way "It's my turn to speak." Or, oh man, if I said, "It's really a shame." and then waited for a "Hm?" then continued with "You had such potential in politics, but chose medicine instead." Or maybe just something like, "You seem too young to be a doctor." Oh oh, or when he said he would Google it... "A bit unprepared today, are we? Hmm."

For therapy purposes I am open to any other mockery and snark anyone else can conjur up, just to make my instant replay for the next several years a bit more interesting than the usual rerun of events. Practice makes perfect anyway, and maybe someday I will stand up for myself.

[Bermuda]

Oh my goodness, I am posting again.

I had a bit of a night flashback for the first time in a super long time. It feels like a huge step backward. I jumped up in bed thinking there were ants surrounding me. I cleared away all the ants and laid back down. I did that twice. It took me a couple hours to realise that there are no ants here. Ants aren't even a thing here. I'm not sleeping with ants anymore. I'm just doing weird things in my sleep.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Armee]

It's not weird at all sweetie. Something about the present moment is reminding you of the past. Imagining ants isn't crazy because it I'd a flashback. You literally slept with ants while you were running away from your mom...being stalked. Perhaps the incident on the bike felt similar to being hunted down, perhaps there's a connection to the surgeon. But I guarantee it makes sense. Your mind is processing the past, not going crazy.

[Bermuda]

There is truth in that. I have had this feeling that death is chasing me. I'm having a collapse. There is some positive though, it's different than it's been before.

TW: Alcohol

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I woke up determined to make it happy and special. I went full organising mode, probably for that sense of control. We had a babysitter in the evening. I really wanted to try with my husband, and it was  successful. We had fun and felt connected for the first time in years. I was definitely chasing the dopamine seratonin happy happy waterfall. I had five or six (dubbel) beers. We were only out between 5-10pm. When I got home our son was still awake, so I tucked him in bed. Usually I lay down with him, but I immediately felt overwhelming clausterphobia. I ran and was sick. I was okay, but the panic had started. I did my mama stuff. I laid awake all night racing.

I'm still racing as I write this. I'm having intrusive thoughts, but since I actually had a good evening, they're easily spotted and discarded, and I know it's because I used up all my happy happy waterfall at once... And the panic attack is very physical. It's odd because when it amps up I can feel it amp up and reduce, then trigger again. I have no emotion attached to it, and I actually wonder what would happen if I actually started running. If I had this at 4am, what if I actually went for a run to convince my body that it's because I'm running? I'm trying to outsmart my panic attack. It's almost 9am, and this panic started at 11pm. I am drinking sleepy time tea and riding along with my racing body.

I don't do this often. Binging is a problem I am aware of. I am aware that it triggers huge problems for me. I'm trying not to let the shame in. I don't want to taint the positive, because I want my relationship to improve, and I know how I handle this is going to be critical. Trying my best with this bombardment of CPTSD. Three nights without sleep. I just wanted to add, thanks. In my mind a jump between feeling like I am making it up, that my life is normal, to thinking well obviously I had PTSD and CPTSD. I only just made the connection that these consuming all-senses fashbacks are the PTSD, the PTSD that was looming dorment.

[NarcKiddo]

TW - alcohol abuse

Alcohol is a very familiar subject for me. I am drinking next to nothing at the moment due to my ongoing health concerns. But I am seeing a liver specialist soon, so I have prepared a full record of the actual amounts I have drunk over the last 3 years. I can easily do this as I have counted calories for the last ten or so years and have kept all my records. My records make unpleasant reading, and I hope 3 years is enough because I cut down and don't really want to have to tell him how much I drank before!

I am very familiar with the binge process. I used to drink every day and have found (to my surprise) that drinking nothing is easy enough, but controlling the quantities once I start is a whole different ball game. And if I had been going out for a Valentine's evening and trying to have a good time with my husband, I would have done the same as you.

What you have written made me want to address the panic/racing feelings. Alcohol has a similar effect on me. They say it is a depressant but when I drank heavily every day I also used to wake up most nights with some sort of panic. And one thing I have noticed is that alcohol has a direct impact on my sleeping heart rate. My sleeping heart rate is surprisingly high compared to my daytime resting heart rate (I started taking an interest for my fitness purposes). But when I drink anything, even a small quantity, my sleeping heart rate shoots up. My daytime sitting around doing nothing heart rate is around 58-60. I expected my sleeping heart rate to be maximum 55. But my regular sleeping heart rate is 65. If I have had alcohol my sleeping heart rate is 80. The night time figures are an average for the entire night and there are some pretty horrid spikes in there.

All this is a very long way to say that I think you would not be able to outsmart the panic attack by going for a run (and I, too, would consider such a thing and possibly even do it). If the alcohol is the main culprit then I think your approach of riding it out and drinking tea is very sensible.

I am glad that your evening went well and glad that you are not letting the shame in. What you did was not shameful. You have had a really, really tough time of it lately and I think you are handling things very well.

 

[Armee]

I agree with NK there. Like both of you just a little too much alcohol really shoots up the anxiety symptoms so much. I also agree there is no shame in having drank more than usual on valentines to be able to be relaxed and have fun with your H. You are so responsible and put your kids first all the time. It's OK to have the occasional off night.

Please don't be too afraid of the PTSD starting to show itself more. I think this is a good sign, not a bad sign. This is your brain telling you what is there that most needs to be dealt with right now, the things that need attention and that you are READY to deal with them now. It's overwhelming for sure. But at least in my experience my mind only gave me the amount I could handle and absorb. Now would be a great time to find a good trauma T if you can. Someone who knows complex trauma, and many modalities of therapy. The ones that helped me most were mindfulness or somatic therapy, EMDR, and parts work, but only in the hands of a therapist who did not act like a know-it-all and who listened and learned. It's a long haul better to start as soon as you are ready than wait till half your life has passed by. ❤️