Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

[Bermuda]

My oldest friend told me that I am one of the bravest people she knows.

She always saw my flightiness, unattachment, and quick action as bravery. It surprised me. I told her she is the most caring and calm person I have ever known. She said it's a mask and that she is always treading water.

People see us better than we see ourselves. We react so differently to our trauma. I appear busy and she appears still. It's all true. She is the most calming person I know, even when she is buzzing inside. I am brave, even if I am frantic inside.

It can all be true. We are complex.

[Bermuda]

I lived in a world in which trauma was mundane. I didn't view my life as traumatic, because everyone around me had it worse, because trauma was so daily and normal. I have been thinking about what Armee said and it has flooded my mind with all sorts of little reinforcing events.

I always stayed after with the managers, because I would get a ride to where I was staying. I don't drive, and it was the safest way to leave at night. People stole people from the parking lot. I won't talk about that, but the worst kind of bad. So, I had a cab driver who I was friends with, or the managers drove me, or my flatmate and I were walked out of the building into her car by management. One night, I didn't make it into work. I was supposed to. That night a couple masked people came in with guns and led the managers into the room with the safe, but it was a drop safe, they didn't have access to it. The masked robbers locked the managers in overnight, and I only found out when I came in in the morning for day-shift. I remember us all laughing about together, as it was discovered. We came to the obvious conclusion that one of the dancer's boyfriends or something did it, because they had clear knowledge of the layout, cameras, and safe. We just went back to work. In any normal circumstances that would have been traumatic for everyone, but we laughed. We laughed. We went on with it.

At a different club, same management, a disgruntled dancer who was fired poured fuel all over the outside of the building and attempted to set it ablaze while we were inside. She didn't succeed, but it smelled of fuel for a while.

Not everyone was stolen from the parking lot. Some were followed. People attempted to follow us regularly. Someone tried to run us off the road twice, once while waving guns out the window. They didn't succeed, with us. We heard about it the next day, they had succeeded with someone else, and she was in the hospital. This wasn't traumatic at the time. A nuissance. The entirety of it was traumatic. The constant threat wasn't made up because of CPTSD. It was all around me.

Trigger Warning, I will be graphic here, violence.

Someone attempted to grab my flatmate while she was walking her small dog at night, that's when we stopped going out alone and started carrying makeshift legal weapons, hammers and ice picks and the like. We talked a lot about what we would do. We could hit them with the back of the hammer, to the side of their head. We were under no illusion that we were strong, but we were fast and prepared. You don't have to punch someone to the throat hard, you don't have to put your thumb into someone's eye hard, you just have to do it fast enough.

Someone had once followed us home and parked their car so that we were blocked in, locked in the car. They came out and started banging on our windshield trying to get in. I called the emergency number and just recited the plate numbers, and we slid our hands into the car door pockets just waiting for the window to break. Eventually the person gave up, the window hadn't broken, they and left before police arrived. That was the only time we ever called the police.

I wrote a piece before about someone trying to get into the car at a red light, so I won't retell that, but we were prepared. In that case, he is very lucky he didn't get into our car. It would have been a huge mistake.

So, when a manager tried to sexually assult me, he didn't know that I knew my strengths. I was fast. I was prepared. I knew where every camera in that building pointed, every exit, which exits had alarms, and which were broken. I knew not to fight, but rather to suddenly drop. I ran before he even thought that I knew what was happening, what he had been planning all night. All I had was claw marks. It was easy to minimise that, as the sexual assult bit hadn't happened yet. I escaped. I could hear them searching for me, but they didn't find me. I am fast and fit into small unreachable spaces.

Anyway, what was this about? Every day trauma. It was never a question of trauma, it was just life. We were all just surviving.

A customer was being thrown out, and he came at a manager with a gun, the manager picked up a loose brick and hit him with it over the head, the other managers joined in assuring the customer was subdued. He got a spinal injury and was paralysed. I saw it from the front door camera as it happened on the other side of the door. How it works, for those who are unfamiliar, is that as a dancer you pay to work, and you also tip management. It's like paying the mob. The girls who tip better, get better care. If a girl says someone touched her inappropriately, but she doesn't pay well, then a manager is unlikely to intervene. This costumer had messed with a woman who payed well to work, and the management was highly incentivised to keep her safe. The club paid off the managers legal fees. It was fine. In any case, never start bar fights, and don't assult women. 

So, bad things all the time, every day, but even beans and rice have a price.

[NarcKiddo]

I hate what you had to endure to survive, but I am glad you did survive. It is a privilege to know you.

 

[CactusFlower]

I am so glad you made it to here, Bermuda, and am glad to know you as well. I'm not surprised at the atmosphere you describe; I had a friend who put herself through college dancing at a place not unlike that. Thank goodness you did survive.
Gentle hugs if you want them

[Chaos rains]

Oh. My. Dog., Bermuda, your life and your stories are so important to me. I find myself thinking that I don't deserve to be here, because I never went through such things. Except maybe for that time...then a door slams such in my brain. So I don't know.

But I do get is the need to do things, to get things done, simply because they need to be done, and the astonishment that anyone else thinks it's something to praise. It's not that you are looking for a hard way to do things, it's that it's a thing that needs done. Them pumpkins ain't going to carry themselves. It's just work. It's easy compared to emotional desperation and despair. It's nothing compared to forced isolation and abandonment, or a child waiting so long for *someone* to please come help and that help never comes. It's just work. It's easy.

You are a treasure.

[Bermuda]

You all are so kind.

So, my husband's grandfather died yesterday. We knew he was dying. It was not a surprise. Because his family has a difficult relationship with me, it puts us in a hard situation. We usually stay with his parents, but I will not have the kids stay there anymore. They broke our trust. We can't afford to all go and stay in a hotel to attend a funeral. The logical thing to do is have me stay here with the two little ones, and my husband go to the funeral. The problem is that his mother will say that it's my fault, and that I am keeping their grandchildren away from them. I don't do funerals. The last one was really hard, and I was just chasing the kids the whole time. It's just not for me.

My husband and I have argued a bit over it. He wants to fix things. I tell him that he needs to let go. He cannot negotiate an agreement, and that it would be meaningless because that's just not how it works. His mother thinks she can do terrible things and say terrible things about me the second he turns around, and then just say it never happened and insult me to my husband. He can't fix that. So, here we are and I will be the bad one.

[Armee]

You are not the bad one. A funeral is not the time to try to repair past harms done. You are 100% right to stay home and not add the stress to you, him, your kids, or his parents. No one is at their most emotionally mature during funerals and going right now would probably make the relationship even worse. He can try to mend fences later between his mom and his family  but you're right it has to involve his mom changing and she won't. You don't deserve any more abuse.

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Armee. Besides which the children are not yet at an age where they will understand much about or get any benefit from attending a funeral. It is very normal (at least in this country) for young children not to attend funerals even when the family circumstances are happy and settled and all concerned can afford any attendant costs. So even if MIL was not grim I would not see any reason why you should go.

[Hope67]

Hi Bermuda,
I also agree with Armee.  You definitely donb't deserve any more abuse.  I doubt his mom will change as well.

Hope

[Papa Coco]

Bermuda,

I'm so sorry to hear all this.  I wish more people would allow their spouses the space to feel safe.

When my little sister was still alive, she and I, both the two "little ones" in a family of 5 children, would often show up to FOO events without our spouses. We both felt like, as siblings, we were obligated. But our spouses weren't. One day we confessed to each other that we both did it for the same reason: We didn't feel our spouses needed to put up with what we needed to put up with. We made up lame lies that the FOO was too polite to openly challenge, that our spouses had to work that day, or weren't feeling well. Looking back, I now wish I'd have been emotionally healthy enough to just say "I didn't invite her because you're all too mean."

My wife and I married in secret, only 4 weeks after our first date. My family hated every friend or girlfriend I ever had, so I knew that the longer we dated, the better chance they had to break us up...as they'd done with other friends and girlfriends. When I showed up one day with a wedding ring on my finger, my family went into rage. How DARE I marry someone! My selfish mom and narcissistic sister set up a reception for us where they gave us insulting wedding presents to open in front of the relatives and friends. I would hear through other siblings that they were making sure that their gifts would be no great loss when she left me and took everything. Two years later, when we announced we were pregnant with our first child, good old Mom's reaction was "OHHHH NOOOOOOO! What are we going to do now?"

We had the baby and stayed married. Mom started to be nicer. Then two years later we announced our second child, and got the same response. "OHHHH NOOOOOOOO!" Oh. God. What are we going to do now?" was my loving mother's reaction to my sins of starting my own family without her permission.

Little sister and I saw no reason to bring our spouses into our he77. I wish more people would extend that same courtesy to their spouses.

[Bermuda]

Thanks, all, I attempted too many times to reply but I can't.

I have had so many social engagements lately, and it's really causing my brain to fracture. I feel very socially overwhelmed, but nothing bad has actually happened. I haven't embarassed myself, or spoken too much, or drank too much, or anything like that. It's just inside me.

Last night I had to go to this party that is a yearly glögg taste test. I was feeling self-conscious beforehand, so I put a bit of extra effort into looking festive. I found some holiday bells that reminded me of the round hair bobbles from my childhood. I always wished I could have my hair done like that, so I did it. I sectioned my hair and made three jumbo twists/rope braids, and turned those bells into baubles. I was jingling as I walked, and it made me feel so good.  Served my inner 5 year old.

When I arrived, I lingered outside a long time. Twenty minutes just staring at the snow. I made a couple snowballs, and staired into the lamp lights in the park like a bat.  When I saw my friend arriving I went in with her. Maybe ten minutes into being there, she asked me if I was alright. I was standing at the snack table stairing at the wall. Weird. I told her my thoughts drifted away. She replied with, "Somewhere ...bad?" Honesty, not sure myself. I didn't say that.

I was there a couple hours. I had to taste all the glögg and write notes on their profiles. People around me were having fun, and quite intoxicated. I was not. I left very early, first actually. I said I was really tired to explain that I sat doodling, or staring off blankly.

I walked home in the snow feeling quite hypnotised by the snowflakes coming toward me in the street lights, but I couldn't focus on anything else.

I went to sleep. Today I am going to a Christmas market. It will be crowded. I can't use tiredness as an excuse this time, because my friend knows I didn't really drink and that I went to bed very early. I am in a bit of vortex it seems.

[NarcKiddo]

Glögg gives me the heebie-jeebies. I had my first ever hangover after drinking some my mother made for a party. It tasted lovely and went down very well and I got off the scale drunk.

I hope the Christmas market is better than you fear. If you even go - I don't see why you should if you don't feel right about it. It sounds like your friend understands a little, since she knows your thoughts might drift to bad places.

Your hairstyle sounds really fun. You have such lovely hair and the idea of putting the bells into it is great.

I hope you have a nice day today.

[Armee]

I hope the market was OK if you went and that some day you can share enough with close friends that they will understand and you won't feel so alone when those things happen. In the meantime you can hide a lot of the symptoms behind a mad genius persona. 😉

[Bermuda]

NarcKiddo, the stuff is entirely too sweet for me, and then Sweden is Sweden so they have that with sweets on top, on the side, all around. The velvety feeling in my mouth, ugh. I can imagine how people get terrible hangovers. The Christmas market went well actually. My son has a lot of sensory needs, but I took him with me, and he did SO well. It was so nice to dance with him on my hip, around the tree. He didn't want to hold hands with anyone, of courrse, but he was smiling and enjoying it. He met Santa, and although he wouldn't speak to Santa, he spoke to me so Santa could hear what he wanted, and he wasn't bothered by the people or sounds. It was huge. Absolutely a first. The first steps on the moon.

Armee, the market was good. I had a short conversation at that party about robotics. My friend tried to push me into a conversation with someone who also makes things, and we started talking about our robotic creatures and creations, and he asked me what my field of specialty expertise is, like what I studied and "do", or if I am an engineer. I had such a laugh. I explained that I am an amazing Googler. So, maybe there is a mad genius in there somewhere, sometimes, other times not.

My field of expertise, hah.

[NarcKiddo]

 

I'm glad you went to the Christmas market and that it went well. It can sometimes be that things one is not looking forward to turn out well - maybe because there is no weight of expectation. It's lovely to hear how much your son enjoyed it and that must have contributed to your own experience.