The unknown is the worst

[Tyr]

Even though I remember more rapes than I can count (partially because all the memories are scattered and jumbled), what hurts the most is the looming sensation of not knowing how many times it actually happened and how many abusers there actually were.

My mother had a spiritual cover for what she was doing, which allowed her to talk about it with relatives and social workers without anyone batting an eye (thinking back they should definitely have batted an eye). She's like the main abuser, the root of it all, sort of. She's a pedophile and she was in touch with others like her and sold me out to them, so while I don't like using those words just yet I was all in all raised in a pedophilia ring.

I have a very fragmented self. The official diagnosis of that is "mixed dissociative disorder" as I have other dissociative stuff going on besides alters, but I do definitely have alters. Many of them are little children who work as trauma holders. I can often hear them crying in my head. Sometimes they come out when I've gone to bed so they can hug my plushie or my partner's arm. Mostly I don't completely switch, though. It's more like alters come and go in the front seats next to me.

Although I try to care for the little ones and hug them in the headspace or urge other and older alters to do so in there, I find it very hard, because it makes me feel their (mine?) pain, and it hurts too much and I don't know what to do about it.

[Armadillo]

Can I send a virtual hug your way? Or maybe just a "hi" ?

What I've gone through isn't at all like what you have suffered through, and yet I've felt the same about it being hardest what you don't remember.

It feels like one should be grateful for not remembering everything and yet it feels very frustrating and scary to know your brain is almost like keeping secrets and then also it causes you to wonder and doubt and not always know where triggers are coming from.

Anyway. I am so sorry you were abused in such a horrific way and gosh but that is so painful that it was even talked about openly and no one did anything. It didn't even happen to me and when I write those words...no one did anything...each word feels excruciatingly painful to me to feel the weight of that for you.

I'm even starting to cry for you a little...and I don't cry.

[woodsgnome]

Either with full or partial memory, the sorts of abuse you bring up aren't really worthy of words, just anger I guess (even anger doesn't fully say it right -- nothing) can.

I can empathize quite a bit with your memories, but first I'd just like to point out that I've gratefully given up on trying to figure out the details of at least one series of abuses from a 3rd grade teacher (in a 'religious' school). Based on what came after, wanting to know exact details -- no, it's hard enough lifting out of the painful outcomes from incidents I do fully recall -- from other teachers at that place but originating with the birth m*****. So there also was this 'spiritual' sort of excuse (they actually called it 'duty'  ) floating around what took place so often -- they knew they had no other excuse.

It is already confusing enough, and after spending years trying to figure it all out, all I'd care to say further is that I'm willing to reluctantly accept that this junk took place in my life, and that in the end there never can be any justification, rhyme or reason to what they did.

I'm still left, straggling along as best I can, and really it seems to be all I can do. The memories are still there, lurking; but fading more into the rear-view mirror of my life. So I'm grateful for that growing distance, but also for not remembering what happened in the one abuse I can't fully recall; I just hope it never does fully resurface as it seems awful. In this case I welcome the often maligned ability to dissociate from whatever happened).

I hope you can begin to level out as well, Tyr.

[Tyr]

@

Can I send a virtual hug your way? Or maybe just a "hi" ?

Yes, a virtual hug would be great. Thanks.

I also am often conflicted on whether it's good to not recall all the horrible things or if it's bad to be left uncertain. I'm trying my best to not ask too many what if's.

Thank you. Some of the people who must have known to at least some extent were questioned by the police after I reported the abuse. I've read all the transcripts, and they all acted like they were shocked and in pain by learning about it all, all the while listing dozens of signs of sexual abuse and ways it was spoken about. Child services were also always somewhat involved, but they just kept telling me they couldn't move me because "your mom will get sick without you!" (my mother is bipolar and so much was excused because of it).

Either with full or partial memory, the sorts of abuse you bring up aren't really worthy of words, just anger I guess (even anger doesn't fully say it right -- nothing) can.

[...]

I hope you can begin to level out as well, Tyr.

You're absolutely right, there are no words. In the past months I've found myself opening text documents or my sketchbook over and over and over trying to write or draw something to express myself, and I just can't get anything down. I can't express how I feel, how the other parts feel, how broken and fragile my inner child is.

TW for something similar to religious abuse below, be prepared.

I'm sorry you had a similar experience with regards to the 'spiritual' excuse for it. "Duty" is a horrible thing to call it. By me they called it "helping" or "healing", as my mother said I was gifted with healing powers and could cure people's pains and ailments by touching them. "Can you touch [name] to help him tonight?" was a classic that scared the living * out of me every time it was said. She also said my little sister could see people's auras and ghosts. My little sister doesn't remember any sexual abuse. She asked me once if I thought it might've happened to her, but it was never brought up again. Today she's become almost as manipulative of a person as out mother.

End TW.

I'm sort of in limbo, the memories are mostly in the back of my mind, just silently lurking, but they still come forward quite easily and frequently. It sort of goes in phases of how much I think of it all. I am starting prolonged exposure therapy soon, so hopefully that will put some of the pieces of me and my mind back together. I'm glad you've come so far in your journey.

Thank you.

[Armadillo]

  very gentle hug. I'm truly sorry.

I can't believe child protective services said that either. That makes me want to cry in absolute anger and fury. Oh I'm so angry about that.

[Tyr]

Thank you 

I have been unbeliavably angry myself. And probably every other negative emotion under the sun...

[Eidolon]

Please be gentle with yourself Tyr- the anger you're feeling may be misdirected. You were a child and didn't deserve any of the things they did to you, and you certainly didn't have any "duty" to do those things. I relate a bit more than I'd like to admit, wishing you softer days ahead.

[sligeanach]

"there are no words. In the past months I've found myself opening text documents or my sketchbook over and over and over trying to write or draw something to express myself, and I just can't get anything down"

Hi Tyr,
I get that, and sometimes that blank page can make me feel even more helpless and then angry. Sometimes I have to physically express it, because there really aren't words. Like it's not in the words, it's in the body. For me it's a specific set of movements, part of a tai chi class I took years ago. It's a blocking and pushing movement. It feels right, and that's all I have to go on.

[Tyr]

Please be gentle with yourself Tyr- the anger you're feeling may be misdirected. You were a child and didn't deserve any of the things they did to you, and you certainly didn't have any "duty" to do those things. I relate a bit more than I'd like to admit, wishing you softer days ahead.

Thank you. Luckily I've mostly stopped thinking I deserve it, but I feel all other kinds of murky stuff. Likewise

I get that, and sometimes that blank page can make me feel even more helpless and then angry.

This is so true! It feels so frustrating and agonizing to get nothing down as it just rips you apart inside. And I'm glad you've got the tai chi to help you. I used to get a lot of relief from being physically active, such as running in the woods or dancing really hard, but I've become much too disabled to do any such things.

[Hope67]

Hi Tyr,
I also wanted to extend a welcome to you.  I read some of what you wrote. 
Can I also send you a safe and virtual hug, if that's ok 
Hope