Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

May 22

One week post-op from biopsy under anesthesia; continued physical self care and now focused on psychic balance. No pathology shown in test results and some uncertainty with direction of medical care. My daily perspective is on gentleness with myself and acceptance of my own frailties.

I am waiting for grade posting from a course I took remotely this spring. Since I'm audit status, this means virtually nothing, but I have invested meaning in whether Mr.  PhD. recognizes my efforts, or whether he will continue his 4 months long passive-aggressive behavior. Although I'd like to claim a victim status, i recognize my own complicity in our process. Still untangling all the threads, which have formed a tight knotted ball of confusion with only 3 or 4 ways I've repeated unworkable strategies.

Friday night's epiphany was using the energy previously turned outward to reclaim my strength by being compassionate with myself. I have not indulged in any compulsive behaviors today and plan on marking each day a success by continuing to choose well.

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper (previously known as BeHea1thy) - I missed you, and I am delighted that you are back - I am glad that you don't have any pathology shown on your test results.  That sounds like a good outcome.  I like your perspective on gentleness with yourself and acceptance of your own frailties, that sounds like good self-care.

Sending you a welcome back hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Hope! I'm happy to see you again. I definitely need hugs and gratefully accept. 

May 23

My bibliotherapy efforts have changed in the last 14 months. I allow myself to take "small bites" of heavy material in order to digest and feel reverberations. I have access to libraries in 2 counties as well as college, which gives me access to nearby states. My ebook shelf includes Your Resonant Self by Sarah Peyton and Choosing Compassion by Aram Thubten. Recently I was in a familiar victimized place mentally and thought about allowing and exploring a previously rejected thought; compassion. Kristen Neff's book was unavailable so I checked out others instead.

Today has lost yesterday's confidence, but that's OK. I'm learning to observe myself and make adjustments and corrections throughout the day. Yesterday, a small hematoma spontaneously appeared below my right eye for no apparent reason. Hypervigilence and fear left me pondering which MD to ask about it. For now, it's wait and see. In January this year, I had another BCC removed from the bridge of my nose and it's quite close to the incision.

My D got married and had a baby in 2020. My granddaughter is now 6 months old. Last night, D sent a text message with photo of her blackened artichokes and key lime pie. She mentioned it was a date night, and I had to wonder, why was she "including" me? Came up empty of that, but admit I would have liked both, especially the pie! Instead, I cooked some fresh rhubarb with a tiny amount of sugar and water.

Every day I ease off a bit on my perfectionism and goal oriented lifestyle. I'm learning how to relax and give myself space and room to feel.

[Kizzie]

Welcome back    Sounds like your road has been a bit bumpy what with the biopsy (glad it was negative) and the course.  One thing I've learned is that old ghosts and behaviours can rise back to the surface when we're under stress - glad to see you're working on self-compassion and care 

[Armadillo]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Kizzie and Armadillo, thank you for the encouragement. 

May 24

Unexpectedly retreated to bed for a significant part of the afternoon and evening. Previously, would have brutalized myself with condemnation, but am learning to just be and do without craziness of self-judgment. I am taking the University of Colorado Trauma study and recognized immediately that answering questions about identifiable events caused not only that event, but peripheral memories to gush to the surface. Realistically, that is to be expected, although I forgot about that. That's OK, because growth requires some "discomfort"- I'd like to dictate what KIND of discomfort I can tolerate,  but it doesn't work that way. The most surprising thing I've learned recently is how laden some experiences are with multiple levels of meaning and the ability to branch out like a root system to touch many areas of life.

Woke up feeling same/old same/old, with a bit of anger. I am impatient with myself, but now I'm feeling somewhat centered & preparing for my Zoom therapy session at noon.

Since my awakening from anesthesia last Friday afternoon, there's been an undercurrent of pure gratitude for life itself and all those people and places in it which allow me to feel safe, secure and stable. I smelled lilacs as I entered my favorite patio and am so glad my senses are unimpaired. Continued reading about resonance and amazingly, it makes a lot of sense. I keep wanting to have a predictable healing trajectory, ever upward. Old expectations still kicking.

[Kizzie]

Ever upward Beekeeper, ever upward    and 

[Hope67]

The most surprising thing I've learned recently is how laden some experiences are with multiple levels of meaning and the ability to branch out like a root system to touch many areas of life.

Hi Beekeeper,
Yes, I think that root system definitely reaches out to many areas of life.  Multiple levels of meaning - I relate to that too. 

I thought it was great that you allowed yourself to be in bed in the afternoon and evening, and that you did so without self-judgement, I think that is self-care and freedom of choice that I think is good to respect.

Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Yes Kizzie, onward and upward. Hope, still learning about how events affect me. Glad that you relate.

May 25

This morning was the second consecutive day that my Zoom links were not input and I had to mount last minute "requests." The Compassion Book by Pema Chodron became available last night, and good thing too because it helped me deal with the stress. I won't get into detail now, but one preliminary thought is Drive all blames into one. This caught my eye and I looked up other commentaries. The premise is that when things go wrong, people want to assign blame, and that by doing so (in a certain way) that we exclude ourselves. On the other end of this blaming spectrum, some people disproportionately take on ALL the responsibility and that's equally damaging. I'm in the baby steps of my journey to understand and reconfigure habitual ways of thinking, so over time, I'm sure I'll gain more. The upshot is what little thinking I DID do seems to have an effect because I cheerfully told my therapist that what happened was the norm, and I'd gotten used to it-did not harbor any anger or grudge. Also, after voicing extremely rigid and judgmental thoughts about my final grade and the professor's guilt or innocence, I was able to see how ridiculous I've been. To top it all off, despite not doing a term paper worth 25% of my grade, he actually raised my grade from 98% to 99%! A complete surprise which I interpreted as buying the hatchet.

An explanatory note about the feud: I am deaf and use implanted electronics to hear. This is possible through use of an external processor, held onto my head by a magnet. Although I had very high hopes to regain social function with my new hearing status, reality is such that I still can't use voice on the phone, understand speech through masks or understand media without English captions. Our conflict occurred because many people are new to using platforms like Zoom, Meet, Webex, etc. A lot of teachers don't know how to use technology for their recorded lectures and some even venture out to use platforms not supported by their educational institution. This was my case. We both found out too late about assumptions concerning the "ease" of adding captioning. Over the 4 months of the course, I was hampered by getting captions 2-3 days late, not being able to meaningfully contribute, etc.  I alternated between casual "reminders",  burning rage and anger    (which I didn't share) and giddy feelings of worthiness when material was captioned "on time."  I could see myself swinging wildly through this cycle and hated myself for it.

Rest helped me gain a more rational view with strategies to prevent the same scenario or minimize it. I was able to move from black and white thinking (Oh God, school is a closed door for me, nobody will ever get it, I'm forced to be isolated forever) to more gray (this person didn't seem to truly appreciate the consequences for me, perhaps the next instructor will) and even more crucial, allow myself to bail out when the situation is not remedied! Some virtues have been perverted by trauma, in particular, loyalty in the face of overwhelming evidence when it is not warranted. My time to extract myself from unworkable relationships is getting shorter and shorter. From years to months!  That's my main goal, to realize this and act on it sooner.

[BeeKeeper]

Oops, looks like I "lost" an original post for today.

May 26

Feels a little bit like a time warp, like it should be the weekend. Talked yesterday via Zoom to the medication NP and confirmed small increase in SSRI which I'd done for a week already. For some reason, she's really special, I feel heard, cared for and safe whenever we talk. We also laugh a lot and she's able to reassure me about all my issues.

Today was a small retail therapy session, with a nightgown and new lingerie. For the past 12 years, I've confined my shopping to thrifts simply due to finances, so it was a bit shocking to walk into a store and not worry about airing out the clothes and compulsory washing before wearing. I missed the "new clothes" smell. I woke up today with a Smokey Robinson song in my heart. Feels good to revisit my old self.

Finally understood how constant self criticism and rejection of myself results in over emphasis on getting validation and attention from others. The first step is to be aware and mindful of the self-talk and if it's negative, stop it and replace with a different narrative.

[Armadillo]

Hooray for treating yourself well with new clothing! That's awesome and you deserve it! Thanks for sharing the book on compassion. Blame. Sigh.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armadillo. It sure is nice to feel "worthy". Shame, the never ending journey. I love books and will share anything I think might help.

May 27

Sometimes I plan writing in advance, like starting this post with "the honeymoon is over"-however, on analysis, that shows me that my fantasies are still strong, with a belief in perfection, a brief attainment of such and then, BOOM. Disappointment, depression, blame and sadness. So, I think what is better is that the ship of life is rocking a bit on the stormy seas, but I'll find I can cope.

The Colorado Trauma Study is technologically complex with 2 particular app downloads, pages and pages of instructions, etc.  It took me 2 days to work through understanding everything. Last night I took my first feelings survey at 9 PM. Apparently it had been sitting there all day and I didn't know. I misunderstood the process and sent my results no less than 4 times. No one can say I'm not persistent! When I realized my mistake, I felt those old feelings-like someone had compressed me and all the air was out of my lungs. I was able to recognize a flashback, take steps to remedy and although it took 2 hours, I made it to sleep. My conscious wanted to take the matter further and I had dreams of toxic qualities.

Even so, I decided to get up and come into the world to face a computer at the library at 9 AM. Although I have a computer at home, if I stay at home, I won't get much done unless I force myself.

Recovery is a hard uphill climb. For me, it means training myself catch every thought and replace it with something different. Theoretically I understand how the ultimate purpose of the "inner critic" is to keep ourselves safe, warn of danger, etc.  Since I'm a big believer in the Chinese proverb attributed to Laozi the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step I know those single steps continue, day after day. All day long.

I can't say accurately when I first found the forum, 2014, 2015? I've been on and off since then, working through cancer, caretaking, pet euthanasia, grief, no contact, low contact, and resurrecting the best parts of myself. I can attest to the value to working on my issues and see that I've made progress. Every therapy session, book, person and experience has something to teach, if I can be open to the lesson. Pema Chodron's book, although meant to be soothing, is quite triggering for me, because it requires me to think about a state of mind and being I may never be able to attain. This thought formed the foundation of much of my 13th year of life, but substitute Christian Science for Buddhism. I keenly felt my inadequacies of buying into my "perfect" status as a "child of God" and consequently started pulling out my hair to cope with this anxiety.

Trichotillomania has two components, biological and psychological, according to the foremost authority, Dr. Fred Penzel. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/199829.The_Hair_Pulling_Problem I've even written to him and he's answered me! (heart emoticon here) The behavior has ebbed and flowed for all my life, but COVID-19 set me back to age 13 and I've stayed there. Dr. Penzel recommends a soft acceptance. I haven't reached that yet. That's enough for now.

[Hope67]

I love books and will share anything I think might help.

Hi BeeKeeper,
You shared so much in your previous journals as BeHea1thy, and I appreciated your warmth and generosity in doing that.  I read your journal today - I think you're doing well to negotiate that stuff with the Colorado Trauma Study - I didn't think I could negotiate it, so I left it alone - which I know is not helpful to them, but I'm not in a good time space to contemplate that - but I am trying to say that I admire the fact you've been giving it a go.

Anyway, sending you a supportive hug, and here it is      I liked your description that 'the ship of life is rocking a bit on the stormy seas' and especially that you added 'but I'll find I can cope' - that is suggesting to me you're sailing your ship and managing. 

Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Good morning Hope,

Thank you for your encouragement with the Trauma Study. It requires a lot of energy and when I'm through perhaps I'll write a separate post about it. You've been a steady presence here and always kind. I appreciate that. You may notice I've changed my avatar from Pink Panther to a girl in a sinking row boat. The water metaphors have always been my favorite.

May 28

Yesterday I had a brief chat outside with the college president as we were walking into/out of the main entrance. I've reached out in the past, and gotten a lukewarm response. He knew exactly who I was, mask and all. and persistently asked me how I was. I made hand motions of a wave form, and said I'm still finding my "sea legs." I asked a bit about his perspective, fall plans and he told me how he approaches current challenges. I complimented him on his attitude and then spent the rest of the morning thinking about it. There's a range of responses to the pandemic, academic, cultural, personal, etc. Depending on your place or niche, it varies. I've admired those who have kept their "cool" held on to constancy and continued to function more or less the way they always have.

The Colorado Study is an eye opener for me. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to react and find that it changes every day. The first thing is I have had trouble identifying my symptoms, despite being in an online PTSD group recommended by my therapist. When I say trouble, I mean willingness to define and attribute symptoms to a persistent inability to cope. Sure, I know my own behaviors, but I'm still resistant to acknowledging maladaptive choices do not take me where I want to go. Yesterday I had an "aha" moment, and realized that being confronted with specific questions about specific feelings 3 times a day was perhaps a desensitization technique and that bringing awareness and integrating all memories is a good path. Twleve years ago, I entered trauma therapy for the first time. I was SO uninformed, but continuing to take that "single step" daily.

Sarah Peyton's book https://www.yourresonantself.com/ is starting to gain some traction. Her language is what draws me in; gentle, soft, empowering.

I live in "senior" housing, 6 floors, 120 aparttments. In the foyer is a whiteboard with small plastic letters/numbers to designate apartment and tenant. I came home yesterday to find the manager and assistant manager picking up hundreds of tiny objects which had fallen out of their sorting box.      I immediately felt compassion, pity and a desire to help. No arm twisting required. I felt that their unexpected, unsolicited help in scheduling me for the vaccine warranted a concrete "pay it forward" response. I felt useful and also got to use up some old bead containers which had been languishing unused for several years. Win-win.

[BeeKeeper]

May 29

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."