Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful remarks Hope, I value your perspective.    it was difficult to post those interactions, but I'm feeling reassured about my thinking processes.

July 15

The past week has been a wild "ride" in terms of learning emotional regulation. In my mind it's like I'm on a surfboard, attempting to balance, overcompensating, leaning over and almost falling, then regaining my balance. I'm still standing, but looking around I can tell there's a struggle going on. Messiness creeps in, clothes, pile up, things strewn all over. The cycle of life swings through.

Last Wednesday, I spoke with the co-owner of a consignment craft shop and it was a long conversation. He left me with a couple impressions, one was that he would consider my work for sale, his place was stuffed with many artists and there is no free space, when he takes people on, they stay for a "lifetime." Long story short(er) I spent the week assessing 10 years of work, taking photos of 3 amulet purses, and basically bringing the issue of consignment from the back burner to the front. It's always an emotional journey, since I've done multiple consignments, and learned some painful, important lessons.

Whether it's hearing loss, memory loss or simple misunderstanding, I received a response to the purse attachments sent via email. He "reminded" me of the lack of space, and the artist I would "replace" would have to retire first. This says a lot with what is here and what is not. Later on that. I was totally "flummoxed" because he was so specific in his reply. Everything said NO. My actual intent was not to ask for space but merely to have him react either positively or negatively to my work. Either it was up to snuff or not. So, in some ways, he said, heck yeah! and in other ways, he said not the right time. The one word is offered is "cool." It took all my self-composure to respond with: "Thanks for the reminder. When I have long conversations, I either miss or forget key points at times. I appreciate your patience."

Surprisingly, that sent me into a tailspin, even worse than the Barry episode, and I reacted with my tried and true unproductive distractions. Streaming media binge, horizontal position, dark rooms, anger, defeat, but a budding sense of acknowledgment of a bucket list item:

What to "DO" with my stuff?

That joins a long list of legacy items which have taken center stage in my brain, and it the lesson for extraction. It's really not about offloading my stuff, getting money or giving it away, it's how to send it along in the universe with a settled, calm feeling. Even deconstruction is a possibility because there's beads I could re-purpose. I could give as gifts. I know there's emotional work to do here, and if I want peace, I know I'll have to go through it.

Getting from this  to this  is the journey. Fortunately for me, I have (virtual) friends to join me and my choice of methods and therapies.

[Alter-eg0]

July 14

Progress continues! I'm taking small communication risks daily.

A well known store is close to me and I go there 4 times a week to sit in the cafe, and gaze out the window, listen to music, surf the web and sometimes post to various media. Management here is known for switching high level people every 2 years, and the executive chef has been sweet and accommodating to me. I debated on the best way to find out if he was slated for leaving, (he's not) and decided to bundle it with a compliment. First I asked "permission" by saying, "are you in the middle of something?" When he said no, I continued with: "I just want you to know you're appreciated. It's the little things you do without a fuss. I like that you're calm and there's no drama."

He received it well, touched my arm in response and we went on our way. This seems small and mundane, but I obsess over talking with people, but realize it's wasted energy.

On a different note, I also spoke with a cafe staff who appears to really mind that I clean my own table/chair when she's on duty. 90% of the time, the table is dirty. I considered talking about it with others, finding out if there's a policy in place which would make my actions prohibited and finally decided to take the bull by the horns. We've had 3 interactions about me cleaning the tables! So, I called her over and said, "I wanted to know if there's something I'm doing that is annoying you?" She responded with, "Management pays me to clean the tables, and that's my job." We continued: "Well you can't be everywhere at once, and ever since COVID hit, I've been totally focused on cleaning." She replied, "It's OK, you don't have to explain yourself to me." And I concluded with, "Thanks ___, it's not personal, I'm just this way. I want us to get along.

Predictable sleep continues with 5-6 hours in stage 1, then 2 hours in stage 2. Now if I could find a solution for falling asleep within an hour, instead of 2-3. Shutting down Wi-Fi  2 hours in advance is good in theory, longstanding habits are hard to break.

Speaking of habits. I got my Oxford University Press work book and started my awareness phase. Intense stuff.

Wow, "small" communication risks or not, I'm getting anxiety just thinking about those things you described and I think it's awesome that you're going for it. Nice!

[CactusFlower]

These communication risks feel very brave to me! They seem like the kind of day-to-day interactions that I'd *like* to be able to having without being so anxious over them. And knowing people who've worked retail and food, what you said to the chef was inspiring. There's always more bad comments than good comments, and something that seems small to someone else can really make a person feel so much better about their day or even week! Kudos to you!

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks Alter-eg0 and Cactus Flower for boosting my confidence and pointing out those interactions were "not small." 

July 16

Every time I look at one of the 4 calendars taped to the walls of my home, I am reminded that time does fly. Here we are, mid JULY! It's funny how time perception is so variable: the days might seem endless, the afternoons and night like eternity, yet....the world still spins, we're still here, already 2021 is more than half over.

Nose to the grindstone time. I've acquired 3 FOIL forms, village, town and state. I'll start with these, and see what happens. For each, there's a monetary piece. State is a flat $15, others at 50 cents a page. I've mentally rehearsed and "written" this dozens of times in my imagination, but now, making it real on actual paper.

The trichotillamania urges are still present, but inexplicably, I am able to intercept each one by moving my hand to either my side or an alternate strategy, my right bicep area. The book recommends coming up with different socially unobtrusive ways to adopt interruption mannerisms or techniques to squelch the real action.

So far, a curious thing has developed. As of last week, the pain associated with the hair pulling is no longer "comforting". Since I'm already in chronic pain from a variety of factors, it seems important to "cap" it and not add to it by feeling my anxiety and creating more work like vacuuming! (it all ends up on the floor) After a solid 51 years of managing this habit, it's a plus to change my perceptions.

I will pause here for an intermission and return with an update later.

It's "later" and I've done my first draft.

Two documents were invaluable for this effort, which is specific to my circumstances. First, my marriage license. Second, my divorce decree.

Fun fact for those who are making a Last Will and Testament; you will need your divorce decree to do so. This supposedly pre-empts anyone from contesting and trying to weasel in on your assets.

TRIGGER WARNING, details follow which some may find distressing Back to our story.
Timeline of 1974-1975
Sudden unexpected death of beloved maternal grandmother in June
Intentional death of mother in July
College enrollment and dis-enrollment October
Separation from H in early November
Moved from countryside to village November
Started job in December

Arson the morning of H's divorce appearance in late January
I was over 6 miles away.
3 fire departments responded, but within just over an hour, one two chimney's remained. 
informed same day by friends
investigated for arson by State Police
No charges filed
Life tragedy continued for decades

This is all the culmination of 46 years of "work." But I'm at a point I never thought I'd reach or even dream of. Talking about it, writing about it (granted anonymously but not for long!) and thinking about it outside of therapists' rooms, and zoom meetings.  I will allow myself to obsess and rewrite only so many times, then off it goes with a money order or whatever. Instead of "spraying the garden" county, state, etc. I'm watering the "Town Seedling" and see what happens. I may not even need more.

I'm proud of myself, still sitting upright, breathing normally, have not fainted and feel no twinges. Many people and random acts of kindness helped get me here. I owe the entire universe my thanks.

[BeeKeeper]

July 17

Catching up from a couple days ago, I DID clean out the frig! Mostly rinsing but wrestled the drawer out and now it's shiny without crumbs.
I seem to leave a lot of crumbs, everywhere...

Today I'm trying something new-habit reversal training at the cafe. When I go in the AM I buy a breakfast sandwich; with tax, $4.83. I'm aware this is an expense I could eliminate and put the $$ towards saving for a newer vehicle. So, baby steps. Bought a muffin instead for $1.50. This is a win-win because I saved $3.33 cash and Food Stamps covers the muffin. There are many ugly, long term devastating effects of the virus, but good things shine through. My state has given me the maximum benefit for about a year now. I've rearranged my entire budget, think twice before purchases, and in general it shaped me up to be even more frugal over time.

The fictitious name for the executive chef will be Luke. Arriving early at the store is a good bet for possible interaction. He's a hand's on guy and frequently comes into the cafe area to clean and tidy up. After some remarks about the new patio additions and decor, he asked me: "How are you doing? OK?"  I replied "Better than ever!" (And meant it too) and he left with: "It's good to see you."

There is only one other person in the entire world who ever asks me how I am doing. My GS. I think this says a lot about him and he really pressed me on what I did for myself on my birthday. Just stating the obvious here: for meaningful social questions, How are you, and waiting for an answer is fundamental.

Last night I went through some changes after my paperwork efforts. I decided to keep it consistent, retreat to the bedroom without wi-fi on which forced me to read a book. I chose Radical Compassion. Surprisingly, I discovered I am already doing what she recommends and calls a U-Turn. When we feel longing or missing something we don't have, to replace the outward object or person with seeing what we have inside us. For example: feeling only another person can give us love, validation, meaning, joy, belonging...can we find those feelings about ourselves, INSIDE ourselves? She has certain words for it, but I prefer to think of it as connecting to our capacity for self-esteem, love and care. Recognizing and remembering those attributes and qualities are central to wholeness.

2004-2005 were the beginning days of physical and emotional sibling care-taking. Rescuing from an eviction in another state, I  brought her to live with me, then arranged various housing and moves for the next 8 years. Doing each one. I went through all her paperwork, took legal control of her life, and abandoned my own. I've transferred the reins, extracted myself, discarded a lot, but found a couple things which survived in my archived computer files last night in a folder titled Narcissism. 

TRIGGER HERE:
The point is I found a little genogram she'd done and discovered, to my shock, that my maternal grandmother's father ended his life in 1929 during the stock market crash. That means she'd endured losing her father, lost her 19 year old son in an auto accident, and later, after her death. lost her husband to a legal dose of insomnia medicine. All in all tragedy seems to be a deep and wide part of my ancestry, on both sides. My goal is to interrupt and reduce inter-generational trauma. After 40 years, my D is now onboard with the program. 

Insomnia is a big part of my biological and physiological story, with medical confirmation from 2 sleep studies. Still, I'm doing relatively well, and managing to function somewhat better than I have.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate the update you shared.  The part about the chef and your GS being the ones to ask how you are and listen really struck me.  I appreciate the reflection of how important it is to stop and connect with others. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy, thank you for noticing the importance of connections with others. An addendum to that post; sometimes a particular person is the only one who will speak to you that day.

July 18

The days of the Social Security Death Index being completely accessible to individuals without a paywall are long gone. Churches under the LDS umbrella have taken over with Ancestry. In an attempt to get past my anger, I thought more deeply about it, and visited some local websites, where the light dawned. Naturally churches always keep records of their members' births, marriages and deaths, so it has some basis in reality. I am now drawn back into my former work skills, research, with a trip planned to the city library to view their stash. A cousin is an accomplished genealogist and that may work out to reconnect in person with him.

Wading into my long dormant "issues" has pushed me against the window frame of my "window of tolerance." https://www.complextrauma.uk/uploads/2/3/9/4/23949705/tolerance_window_short_wot_handout.pdf Not hyperaroused, but recalling many unpleasant and uncomfortable memories this morning. I'm not feeling the spark of possibility. Maybe that is because I know this is a clean up day.

As time goes on, my avoidance and procrastination tactics are less and less effective. It comes down to managing the emotions I expect to experience when confronting decisions, chronic fence sitting, etc. Theoretically this is all part of recovery and healing, but dread has become entrenched.

Since the only way out is through, I'll call on those parts of myself (metaphorically) which like a challenge,

wear boots
use power tools
create messes
balance precariously
willing to fail
enjoy finding solutions
like that warm glow of satisfaction

Re: balancing precariously
My last house had a garage, with overhanging trees. It was getting unruly and causing problems. So, not having tree trimming tools or saws, I took an old circular saw up on the garage roof, and proceeded to do some trimming. My neighbor was so worried, he and his wife stood in the driveway, cell in hand, ready to call 911. I thought that was hilarious, and still do. But acknowledge my behavior might be a touch on the risk taking side.

Update:
scanned some receipts
filed papers
recycled
took out the trash
put vacuum in bedroom
thawed dinner

Adding a task half done: deconstruction of a small tube covering a braided join.

[Armee]

((((((Bee)))))) 

How are you? 

There's a lot for me to catch up on!

You've been way productive with boring, necessary tasks! Way to go! 

Any more conversations with Barry? I got a little confused about what happened there, aside from you (maybe? But maybe not?) misinterpreting why he told you Monday was his first day off? I'm really proud of you though because you've opened yourself up and are taking any miscommunication in stride. Way to go!!

I'm also wow impressed, that you've been able to put details down on what happened in 1974/75...that's a lot of trauma all at once. I hope you get some answers on the arson you are seeking. I'm so sorry for the way that you lost your grandmother unexpectedly, and how she lost her father, and you your mother. The genetics of suicide is quite a topic. Uncomfortable. I'm so glad one D is up for breaking the cycle along with you. 💛👍

[BeeKeeper]

Hey hey Armee! 

Yep, time stands still for no one. I will give you the Reader's Digest condensed version after I slowly come down from my mind blowing HIGH of this morning.

The Records officer of my target county replied to me via email today!!!!!!!!!

My inquiry:
1. Is it possible to request in person access with no copies, as an alternative to copies? I realize this may be unrealistic. If records are found, an appointment to view would be appropriate and necessary, I assume.
 
2. My request is for records over 45 years old, and for that reason, nothing may be found. I want to submit funds in advance of the search, or do you prefer to levy a charge after a search?

In 1985 I came into the Government offices and viewed the records in person, but made no copies at that time.

His response:
Yes it depends on the record and type of search request.  We will accommodate as best we can.  If you made the request, also submit to me here via reply email so I can get it going for you.


Reasons I am ecstatic:

He replied when he got into work, vs totally ignoring me.
He indicated his willingness to do an in person visit.
He affirmed my disability and is willing to accommodate.

I've been buffeted by my lawyer mind, legal reasoning about where to start. With the Town FD, with the County? If county, which county? Multiple FD's responded covering 2 counties. SO! I finally came up with a decent reason which led me to look up Mr. Record Officer; this is the last line of my mail. If they held records in 1985, chances are they still have them, even if archived in another location. And bonus points, Arson does not have a statute of limitations. Yahoo!

I'll have to modify this later, because now my day has changed. I've done a page of preliminary report requests, depending on agency, and now will go back, edit, submit digitally and check off task #1.


Will definitely add the last details of the Barry story. I'm wearing my name brand stretch paisley blouse (turquoise & yellow) with my featured turquoise earrings in the Needle and Thread with... post. Someone commented on the blouse and how much they liked it.

Some days just start off well. Stay tuned!

[Armee]

 

Getting a response from a bureaucrat is like striking gold!!! (Says the bureaucrat)

I hope they can find the records for you!!!!

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, YOU?! a bureaucrat? No problem, there are nice bureaucrats out there.....

My hours of work last Friday afternoon and evening paid off. I've gotten state, county, town and village FOIL forms. The State is most generous in that it's a 2 pager, with the second page (8.5 x11) completely blank for whatever narrative you desire. The County FOIL is 9 blank lines, the Town is 10 blank lines and the Village is 6 blank lines.

I've had quasi paralegal work/training, nothing official, so that's the way I think and write. Details upon details. Dates, date of birth, actual vs mailing address, Libers, pages of various books,  . A decade of work was spent doing that, so it's an ingrained habit. In falls under the heading of public record research, and is used by title insurance companies, banks, and unfortunately used intrusively by "bad actors."

I had pared down my record request description to the words, "all, excluding photographs." Since I visited the actual scene shortly afterward, I don't want any more images in my mind. Plus one reason for asking for a personal viewing, instead of paying for a hunk of paper is: What am I going to do with it later? One thought occurs, SHRED! but why pay to shred when I could bypass the entire thing? That's what I loved most about Mr. Record Officer's response, he was open to that possibility. Herein after he'll be Mr. RO

I filled out the online form because it allowed unlimited room. I had my bare bones paragraph, I had a "narrative" paragraph" and I had an "I'm deaf paragraph and this is the way you contact me best." Since I already included the I'm deaf one in my e-mail, I could eliminate that. My digital request will go past Mr. RO, plus he asked me to reply to his email so he could be sure to follow up. The confirmation "no-reply" mail I got from the county site was very very nice. Who knew trauma could be so cut and dried in just 4 paragraphs?! 

Because I am the way I am, I researched arson reports, legal classifications, and a bunch of other stuff to fold in little key words to be taken seriously. It also helps because certain "degrees" of arson are limited by facts/injury/destruction. There's 5 degrees in my state.  You gotta know the rules of the game before you play. I'm in good shape, it pays to do that prep work.  Enough on that.

OK the final chapter(s)? of the Barry story. Between the 2nd and 3rd full frontal hugs, I pulled away and during that pause he announced his next day off was Monday. (12th) I flew high for 2 days, but remained staunch in my conviction to let him make the next move. Due to a bunch of stuff I'm not disclosing, I thought he might need a nudge, and on Sunday I refined my strategy. It started with song lyrics, but then ended up with one word and one phrase.

I'm a scrapbooker, cardmaker, so I got out neon green paper, made a small rectangular folding card with purple and bright orange accents. The front contained his name. The inside contained the word Monday? in Curlz font, each letter a different color. The reverse contained the phrase, only if you get enough zzzzzzzs. I put in an envelope and taped it to his door. It was the first thing he should have found after a 16 hour shift Sunday night.

Monday morning comes and goes, afternoon ticks away. At 2:55 PM, I get a text: Hey BeeKeeper, did you leave a note on my door? I replied affirmatively. The next text cut my heart in two. What did it mean? He concluded with he was busy and that was that.

I made sure to be neutral and clear, without emoticons or punctuation. And I bared the entire episode to a young friend who knows both of us, and she validated my confusion and frustration. The conclusion is, for whatever reason, we did not interpret Thursday the same way, and he is not "ready" for continued interaction with me. That's tremendously confusing, but not unbearable.

Ending on a great note: I vacuumed my entire bedroom, in particular moved all furniture. What trich means (to me) is that the appliance is cleaned out afterward with scissors and pliers to extract tangled hair from the beater bar. I kept my hair short for 12 years to avoid pulling and the appliance cleaning task, but lately, I'm going through my second childhood, and my mane is 6 inches below my shoulders.

Update: 

A county attorney has responded to me within an hour with a message that the Sheriff's dept has 20 days to locate and if they do, would I prefer to come in person or get copies? Disclaimer: They may not locate and if they do, I may not be granted access according to the law.

I responded with thanks, preference for in person viewing and my understanding of the limitations.  Still holding out hope.

[Snowdrop]

That sounds promising regarding Mr RO. I have my fingers crossed. I send you a and a

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Snowdrop! I am totally convinced without Mr. RO it never would have landed in the County Attorney's office and shuttled to the Sheriff. I appreciate the support and hug. It's further than I ever thought I'd get.

[Armee]

I'm keeping my fingers supremely crossed that they find responsive records for you! And if not that they are able to provide at least a trail of new clues for where to turn next.

What's your goal for seeing these documents again?  (that's a gentle inquiry, not an inquisition. You don't have to share or have a goal).

Barry. Men. They don't do innuendo. It meant: hey want to come by if you're not too tired? 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, don't mind at all. My D asked the same thing.

I'm healing old wounds and letting go of old baggage. I've created my own narrative around it & want to know if it's the "fullest most accurate" one available. There may be one or more facts which I don't know that might shift and change meaning in a significant way.

Well. Barry. Men are from Mars, women aren't. I also wanted to use the same gif.