Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[Armee]

That makes so much sense...your reason for wanting to see the files, and I relate to that, a lot.   

I also wanted to catch up on older posts and cheer you on for all your progress with trichotillo.[..blerg I don't care for the "mania" part of that word.]  That really seems like such a hard thing to cure and it sounds like huge healing you've done recently. 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,
I'm not fond of the medical name assignment, but I do love your word "Blerg"  Most everyone abbreviates that and says "trich." Thanks for noticing how hard it is, and I have made progress recently. The book suggests a bunch of strategies and I find some part of myself being resistant to all that. Like a kid folding her arms, with a big pout, "Don't Tell ME what to do!" I have found 3 things which have the potential to made a significant difference. We shall see. Although I am happy you care about older posts, please don't feel you need to delve into my story or "catch up."  IMO it puts one more thing on your daily to do list.

July 20

Yesterday I was so determined to get out-laundry drop off, and store sandwich, I forgot to take the RX. I took it early afternoon and think it may have screwed up my sleep cycle. (It doesn't take much!) Anyway, lately I've had very upsetting dreams about boundaries and "order".

Going back at least 10-12 years, I raised 2 of my grandchildren. Their home was perpetually in physical and mental chaos. I still dream about similar situations in which young children and adults are vying for my attention or task completion in the middle of utter chaos. My efforts to rein it in or control always fall short and I wake up with a hangover of sorts. Not sure how to address this specifically.

The other theme, which has been true lifelong, is that I am attempting to fend off one or more people from either busting in the door, or evicting them once they get in. It might have been something I read, because the group of people had a political overtone, strident, possible weapons. They were on a porch and absolutely refused to move off. These used to be infrequent but now they are regular nightly unconscious visitations. It takes me until the afternoon to regain my balance and confidence.

I get my medical care mostly covered by two hospital programs, but need to re-apply and show proof of income annually. I got a bee in my bonnet about the one that renews in September and planned to drag out all kinds of papers, and get the supporting documentation this morning. When I called to find an online form, I learned my timing was off by a month, and they would send out their own special renewal form in August.

In other news, I'm starting to sweat ordering the wrong size 100% cotton garment. My D gave me a present and I told her what size.  The 1st laundering shrunk it a little, the 2nd, a lot. I ordered a smaller size for myself between washes. Shipping charges back and forth would add up to over $20 and the order is for $36!    I called already, and they are open in 2 more hours. I send a plea on a Contact Us form, but who knows?

[Armee]

In my experience we need to find the magic trick yourself for reducing SH. For me, my T kept telling me 143...a Mr Roger's thing short for I Love You (as in I love myself)...1 for number of letters in "I", 4 for love, 3 for you. That never worked and just made me fight it. No I don't!!! But I accidentally found a trick. I normally am not good at caring for my skin and don't do anything. But on a whim i bought some rose water toner. Once when I caught myself in SH I stopped and put some rosewater toner on a cotton ball and as I wiped my face it felt so gentle and motherly, like wiping tears off a kid's face. So then I started doing that once I could interrupt the SH as a substitute action that is loving instead of harmful.

I'm glad you are finding some tricks that work too, and hope the book helps, and just want to reaffirm that what matters is what works for you.

I hope eventually those disturbing dreams lessen, as you work through the trauma and pain of the past 40 or so years. I want to give you a big  for helping raise your grandchildren. I probably would have died without my grandparents in my life. I'm sorry the repercussions of that are still biting you, though. My grandparents died nearly 20 years ago I still think about them and everything they did for me almost every day. 

[CactusFlower]

I agree with Armee, it's all about whatever works for you. I discovered I don't pick with my right hand, as it's usually working the computer mouse and everything, being dominant. So I got some fidget toys and play with them in my left hand. So far, it's helped reduce it a lot. I do have to stop every now and then, as I have a bit of arthritis in my left thumb and it can start aching. But just having something to hold helps too.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee and Cactus Flower,

I think your points about finding substitutes, compromises and just randomly finding what works are great. I'm beginning to realize that I thought I knew everything about my behaviors, but not so. I like the ideas of wiping your face with rose water, and holding fidget toys in the non-dominant hand. The concept of interruption is valid and I am looking for ways to gently, kindly, sweetly INTERRUPT!

In families like ours, Grandparents were crucial to survival, only if they were "safe." I followed my D through 2 states to make sure those kids had a chance. Even though people are "gone" doesn't mean they are not in mind and heart.

Update PM

My efforts to intercept the shipping of the wrong size was successful. I spent 4-5 hours going through my paper compost pile. Much of it ended in paper recycling. I person I've engaged with (an author in Sweden) who usually responds in 24 hours has since left me hanging. Uncharacteristically, I sent a new mail expressed various concerns and repetition and condensation of my prior mail and finished with, "if you did not want to have me contact you, please say so in those words."
That shocked me a little, but that's the "MOOD" today.

Scanned old greeting cards, went through old beading magazines, consolidated two notebooks worth of beading patterns, made a table of contents,  filed financial papers,  ate at the kitchen counter AND at the table. Feeling cranky. One clarification about Zoom. I like Zoom and only when I knew my ex was possibly going to be in attendance at my D's shower did I experiment with filters. He never showed up.

My medication NP appointment is tomorrow and I like her even better than my T.  Anyway, the daily processes of life continue with clear space every now and then. Here's to facing reality, ending procrastination and completing projects. 

[BeeKeeper]

July 21

My medication Nurse Practitioner validated my thinking about Barry: if he's conflicted, ambivalent, "not ready" then that is a logical train of thought. As opposed to emotional questioning of myself, what I may have done or said do push him away. Nope. Won't go there. I mentioned the nightmares and residual daytime vulnerability and she wants me to track it. She also encouraged me to keep making social conversational contact, (i.e. Luke) to overcome isolation.  All in all, she and I both feel I'm on the correct SSRI dose and I'm doing well.

[woodsgnome]

I've found the current banter here about finding unique ways to aid the coping process to be most relevant to my experience. Lots of specifics I could name here, but the blanket cover-all term is one's willingness to be open to surprises (sometimes bad but if we try it can still feel better).

This is harder than it might sound at first. After all, trying to emerge from decades of traumatization causes one to carefully negotiate just about anything one does. Surprises? Who wants 'em? And yet ...

While I still don't purposely seek 'em, I started noticing that even some of the most awful surprises worked out to be of some benefit more often than not.  Had I planned or expected certain results, especially if I did so with certain expectations, the stack of "I-hope-it-goes-perfectly" cards can easily topple. 

As a careful perfectionist, I try to pick out the best way to avoid the pitfalls; and sure enough, can end up in the pit. But not always! So while I don't expect every surprise to turn out well, it's now in my pool of possibilities at least. I still hesitate to move forward, but along comes the 'then again' surprise. Considering some of the things that turned this way were nothing short of shocking to me (mind you, I'm hyper-sensitive to begin with)  .

Sounds like I'm in some great stage of recovery. I highly doubt that, but I'd  rather it surprised me if it pans out as true. I of course try to navigate the best course I can find, while also being aware that well, it just might pan out different than what I expected.

I might even surprise readers of this mini-discourse  by ending ... now! 

[BeeKeeper]

Hey woodsgnome,

glad you came. 

one's willingness to be open to surprises (sometimes bad but if we try it can still feel better).

Absolutely, positively, 100% true. Thanks for bringing it up. We actually have no choice in life surprises, and being willing to find meaning, like that old silver lining, helps a lot.

Your comment that even some of the most awful surprises worked out to be of some benefit hits the bullseye. Hesitation, sure. But then, if there's no risk, no reward. I like the way you acknowledge the expectations. If there's one thing I feel hit me over the head is "watch out for those expectations!" Not by you, per se, but from universal repetitive experience! And now, I think that's starting to be part of my daily awareness.

Describing yourself as a careful perfectionist, hyper-sensitive, with longings of "I-hope-it-all-goes-perfectly". Oops, is there a DNA gene pair for that? Dang! But wait. I have allowed myself one area where I know things won't be perfect and I engage when I'm feeling like I can take the heat. Sad but true, it's at a worktable with small tiny objects called beads. I can spend HOURS ripping out mistakes & trying again X unknown. Actually, epiphany time, I might take those lessons and release them in the world when I "go out!"

Randomly I'm having thoughts about "solutions" to perplexing situations which are surprising. Like is it possible to engage in lucid dreaming to confront my fears of chaos? What would that look like? Well, for one thing, what I would do now is just leave, instead of continuing my efforts to "fix and create order."  Or what if I looked at my sadness and misery about not being in my D's family's presence by recognizing that we've hardly ever agreed on ANY major life issues and perhaps this is a sneaky way of preserving our relationship, so we DON'T get together, when I inevitably melt down?  Hmm, I'm liking those thoughts. Naturally my heart melts when she sends me almost daily text photos of her baby. But in many ways, I feel more connected to her husband and her than I ever have in the past.

The absolute biggest surprise of all came from within myself in the hours after my birthday "guest" left my place. A torrent of good feelings about myself, towards myself, washed over me. I was able to take brief snapshots psychically and compare those feelings with the protective and fearful stance from just 6 hours earlier. Even better, I kept that power to myself and didn't give it to my guest. No, I'm good, and worthy. No one needs to bestow that on me, because if that's true then the person doing the bestowing has control. 

A new experience. Shortly thereafter I stopped a decades long self-harm habit which raged out of control since March 2020. And now, it has remained in either remission or hiding or healing. Whatever. This is not a coincidence.

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
I have just been admiring your intricate beadwork, which you entitled 'deconstruction of a small tube covering a braided join' and I think it's gorgeous.  Lovely colours you chose too.  It's beautiful.   
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Hope. 

The braid I covered was 16 strands, my most complex ever. In yesteryear 2012 I was big on braiding and taught it at public events. Just the simple act of taking that apart seems to be pushing me towards picking it up again. 

July 22

I passed a check out which had juvenile plush toys and was stopped in my tracks by a little owl. She's made by Douglas Cuddle Toys, in (drum roll) CANADA. https://douglascuddletoy.com/ I bought her, but she's not on the website.

A strange and wonderful thing happened. I'm now reading about lucid dreaming and techniques to try before sleep to develop it. Outcome is that I had a moment of lucid dreaming when I recognized a photo of my paternal grandparents and in the dream knew exactly why I was seeing it.

YIKES! Nothing bad. The only photo I've hung up now is one of my grandfather when he was in his mid 20's. He's wearing a military uniform and the photo is all sepia colored. Our of all my ancestors, he's my shining star, for his early life accomplishments, his ability to write a long letter and his reference to himself as "a Lucky Boy."

[Armee]

That is so cool that you figured out how to have a lucid dream!!!! Grandpa. 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,  My lucky boy! 

A bit surprised about that moment of recognition, don't expect it to continue, but  gratified that it happened so soon after my attempt.

My implant processor has one of three places it rests; In it's dehumidifier, in a pants pocket, or on my desk. Since it is so integral to my functioning, I know where it is 99.99% of the time. That other .01% is the part that terrifies me. My memory has holes in it now and then and it's a Herculean task to remember even what I wore the previous day. I was able to connect enough synapses to recall when I removed it and where I put it when I went to the store. From then on-ZERO. I tore apart the couch, looked under everything I owned on the floor, went through every single pocket, shirts, jackets, jeans, Nothing. I laid down and imagined myself at the store and tried to remember if I listened to music. Couldn't recall a thing. Suddenly, I had an image of it in the cup holder of my car. OH SPIT! That is bad, bad, bad. I got up, went out, and there it was. Unharmed, batteries out. It should have been a happy occasion from which I bounced back, but I couldn't function for 3 hours.  The main take away is that my feelings about the implant have been conflicted and influenced by the virus and how it has isolated me from normal interaction and daily speech. Kind of like getting that new bike for your birthday and then not being able to ride it much, if at all.

RANT Warning Ahead:

I'm reading Kizzie's recommendation of Steven Pinker's Enlightenment Now. I understand we all wish our hopes and desires would be realized, and that all of our choices would yield expected results. It's incredibly self-centered to want to believe that modern technology could and would bring me back into the hearing fold. First, there was the realization that the surgery itself caused permanent pain on the left side of my skull. Second it was the reality that despite my wholehearted rehab efforts and persistence, the gains fell short of allowing me easy "un-accessorized" access to social groups and situations Then, like a lightning bolt, to finish me off,  illness descended on the world bringing masks, distancing and other aberrations. Wait! There is one saving grace-I can hear music with Bluetooth and that saved my sanity. It also powered a great deal of my cPTSD recovery. How? By listening to old music and by processing, albeit slowly, the memories that emerged.

Monday's  high of being heard and getting into the system was short lived. For the last 3 days it feels like dragging a ball and chain. I've been productive, accomplished things, taken care of myself but that veil of something has descended. I heard back from my Swedish friend, who was very gracious to me. When I read other journals here, I'm reminded of things I've repressed and submerged. I feel false to even offer my thoughts.

The one bright note is my little cuddle owl. Last night in bed, I put her on my ear left ear, That was shockingly soothing. I wish I could just keep it there, and tie a scarf to hold it in place! That one piece of bean filled covered fabric was instrumental in accessing long dormant, limited, cozy feelings about childhood bedtimes, when I listened to lullabies.

Time has reinforced a growing feeling of unfairness and anger at the ways so many of us were set on a course of life-long pain from which we have to "recover" and struggle. When I first learned of the actual biological realities of incomplete attachment, lack of mirroring, all of it, I did not believe it. (12 years ago) Since then, not only do I believe it, but I see the effects, every day, everywhere, with everything!

[Armee]

I love that you found an owl that spoke to you and is offering comfort. I sleep with a giant stuffee pineapple. "Piney" and it goes on road trips too.  My D likes to snitch on me and spill the secret to all. Friends, friends' parents, teachers, neighbors, even my mom. Whatever. Need the snuggles. You need the snuggles.

I can't imagine how terrifying it would feel to misplace the implant or be afraid it got ruined in a hot car.

Your anger right now, about everything, Bee, is appropriate and right. Just lean on into it. Feel some for me, k?  And when it morphs into something else we'll still be here.

I know you are a fan of Tara Brach and I wonder if you caught the one with Kristen Neff from June 18? I really liked that one...talking about mama bear fierceness, toward yourself.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

thank you for the courage, confidence and humor you showed here in your Piney reveal. 

Kristen Neff and I are not on good terms, I don't know why..but I will check that out.

July 23
The only noteworthy thought I had this morning was the "possibility" I put a ridiculous amount of expectations on myself and what I do for others.  Allowing a lower standard, good enough efforts, and just plain kindness would go a long way for me. Measuring the present against the past is dangerous, because "used to be" is not necessarily valid, as others have pointed out. I've gotten that incompletely; now it's time to bring it over the goal line.  another expectation!!!!!!

Avatar/Name addendum: I've settled on a new image (yellow and pink flower with bee atop and my two forum names now.

[Armee]

Such a bright beautiful avatar!

I think your goal of lower expectations for yourself with an ultimate goal of kindness seems perfect and genuine and like a win win for everyone, honestly. We shouldn't give more than we can.

I haven't any experience with Kristen Neff prior to hearing this podcast mostly because me and self compassion are mortal enemies so I wouldn't pick up her work.

How's the grieving today?