Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[Armadillo]

May 29

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

I love that quote and find it true in my life right now. But you've left quite a cliffhanger!

That was kind of you to help pick up the spilled objects.

[BeeKeeper]

Uh, Armadillo, I didn't mean to do that! Only that I wanted a place holder for a number of swirling thoughts which I wanted to sort out and write about later. 

Anyway, the 3 times a day trauma study is like water dripping on a stone. At first you ignore it, then you notice it, then well, it depends on your perspective. One thing I do when confronted with things which appear to be repetitious or pattern oriented is to take time to break it down. Take each question, analyze it for general content, then group according to similar questions. Since all this is designed to elicit "spontaneous" responses, I don't want to ruin the study and give too much away. All I can say is there are 13 questions which come into a survey software and you can choose the time intervals. For me, it's 8:30 AM, 12:30 PM and 6:30 PM. This has had the consequence of keeping me attuned to my mental state, and watching/observing myself when memories crop up. The toughest time is to answer at 8:30 AM, not because I'm sleepy, but because the last couple of nights have been filled with vivid emotionally laden dreams which are now condensing different parts of my life into one time period.  There's a struggle to "come out of it" with headache, going back to bed and other similar bodily resistance. But overall, I can say definitely that this is the ticket for me to accelerate coming to terms with the past and how to slowly, gently, cautiously integrate it into my life. I never expected the study to do much for me, and am doing it only for the experience but have to say that this is my current "teacher."

My main lesson last night was to limit my viewing of streaming media before bed to innocuous or comedy themed shows. Nothing heavy.

Since my last operation 2 weeks ago, I've identified that part of me which craves safety, security and warmth. So, there's a shift towards inviting my little lost, abandoned self into the conscious world of old age, and seeing what natural, normal things I can do to fulfill those needs.

For those of you who don't know, I sew little tiny beads together with needle and thread to create wearable jewelry or just to make 3 dimensional geometric objects for the challenge and fun of it. I have a DBA on file in 2 counties, but haven't sold anything in a year or two. I've discovered a peyote technique for earrings called Russian Leaf and am on my 5th pair. I embellish very small beads with crystals, bigger beads or make a little loop for an ear wire. After completing one with unsatisfactory results, I tried a number of alternative designs. Nothing hit the spot for me. I considered driving to the nearest stores 60 miles round trip and decided against it. After all, getting the perfect finish for a creation is what led me to accumulate 5 times as much as I need. The choices were to wait until Wednesday, when I have 3 appointments "in town" or come up with something good enough and try that feeling out. I chose the latter. I have 99% and will wait for the remaining 1%. Waiting has been a problem for me, so this is good practice!

[Armadillo]

Haha. I liked it. It made me think.

Your beading sounds beautiful. That is hard work! I tried to do that once just with the easy daisy chain and couldn't figure it out.

It's kind of you to invite that little part of you needing safety and security and comfort into your life.

The trauma study sounds intense! And a bit intrusive. But good for keeping awareness.

[BeeKeeper]

Armadillo,

Starting with a complex pattern like a daisy chain is ambitious. If you're feeling adventurous, you might try again with a small, simple project which can be completed in an hour or so. Beading has brought me healing and joy, although I vehemently rejected it at first.

Yes, the study is intrusive and intense, but I've managed to assign it a place where it doesn't overwhelm me any more, In fact when I experience symptoms now, my first thought is not a spiral, but how I'm going to rate it! That's the analytical part of me which has helped keep me afloat. 

May 30

I've resumed my prior BeHea1thy behavior and started posting about Your Resonant Self in the Books section. It's also nice to see some of my prior posts have survived my 2019 withdrawal from the forum and I'm glad because I am considering trying some books again.

Yesterday, early morning, I discovered one of my cochlear implant accessories, a remote control did not turn on. I was not alarmed immediately because I didn't want to confront reality. I assigned a benign fixable cause, the battery needed recharging. Later I discovered the device is dead. A new one costs $350. Having an implant is like having a computer, only worse; you must replace things only made by that manufacturer, there's  no shopping for the lowest price elsewhere. 
Being a holiday weekend here in the USA, I'm forced to wait until Tuesday to order and by Friday, I should have a new one.

Fortunately, despite 2 in person appointments this week, I think I can get by with what I have that still working. If it wasn't the remote replacement, it would have been a car repair. Periodically I fantasize about making real headway on savings and getting a new car to replace my 15 year old wheels.

I've been post-menopausal for 25 years, and started bleeding in 2020. Every single day. Not much, but enough to concern me and a bunch of gyn MDs. Fast forward through 6 in office procedures, one anesthetized procedure and post op, it's stopped. For how long is anybody's guess. Last night I dreamed about it all. and it was quite intense. Fortunately for me, I was able to put that fear in its place and accept it finally came out from my subconscious. This was the first time I dreamed about it. Even if it's not the last, I'm OK with it. My biopsy was clear and no pathology is present.  I am insanely grateful. 

[BeeKeeper]

June 1

Memorial Day post was glitched by laptop computer and I lost it. Lesson: enter posts on desktop, always.

Two victories today. First, I will not have to replace my processor remote, at least this week. After calling tech support and getting a reprieve, I feel wonderful. Little things have been going wrong with the unit over the past 3 months, so I think it may be on the way to the recycle bin. It's nice to know I can prepare in advance. A reboot was necessary, and all is temporarily well.

Second, I accomplished a goal which I made last night. When reviewing my medical record, I saw that some important information entered 2 weeks ago was replaced by useless data. This appears to be the new era of electronic medical records, and I learned I must print the day I see it, otherwise, I must track down the physician and get their notes. After two phone calls, and one message, SUCCESS! A same day resolution wasn't even on the expectation list. It only verified my initial impression of this M.D. Outstanding and went the second mile.

Some memory issues have been in the foreground for me since I started my SSRI, primarily "de compartmentalization." Now I discovered that it may not be due to the meds alone, but due to my age (old!) The Peyton book addresses this specifically and I will post in the book thread on Thursday. Tomorrow is travel day and recovery from the same.

[BeeKeeper]

June 3

Sarah Peyton introduces Brain Concept: The Default Mode Network (DMN) which is a way the brain uses itself automatically. It shifts attention between our external and internal worlds. It brings together memory and thought and integrates both of these with our sense of self. "...neuroscientists have recently discovered that as soon as we stop asking our brain to do something that has an external focus, it automatically starts to try to integrate our life and manage the world of social interconnection." The reason this was important to me is that it explains my nightly hours long "sleep latency" when I find myself problem solving unintentionally in a dark room with my eyes closed.

I met with 4 of my favorite women yesterday, my T, 2 friends and the owner of a bead shop where I get affirmation and positive attention. Plus that, add 2 in person hugs, and my day was great. I've got the necessary materials to finish my earrings, and some additional stones to design something new. One friend is a Reverend and master seamstress, who offered to teach me how to use my small serger sewing machine. I've never had one, bought it 3 months ago, haven't touched it, but read 2 manuals and promptly was scared off.

My D's pictures of family vacation with everyone (but me) caused this huge wave of self-pity. I haven't held my 6 month old granddaughter although got 2 nice photos this AM. I know I'm not alone in this regard.

[BeeKeeper]

June 4

Last night for 3 hours I struggled with triggers of past violence. Before I resigned myself to a wakeful night, I took time to read a little of Tara Brach's Radical Compassion. https://www.tarabrach.com/radical-compassion/ I allowed her words to sink in to what I call the second layer of brain cells, and glad I did. I was calmed and slept soundly for 8 hours!

Today I woke up and felt more like my positive and strong self. Actually happy! Nothing had changed except my perspective. Tara calls our fearful way of living a "trance" and the objective is to live life with awareness; either painful or pleasant.

I had enough confidence to sit down at the sewing machine and make a small change to a jacket by covering up a previously embroidered name. This has taken me over a month to do, mostly because I wanted perfection. I settled for good enough and recalled no one had EVER stopped me and harassed me for uneven seams or an asymmetrical design. Time to give my critic a serious vacation! 

My D shared a story of how much she loved her new dental hygienist; gentle, compassionate, wonderful with the kids-then the punchline she had the same first name and birthday as I do. Naturally I interpreted that to mean she "wished" I were the same, and how much I didn't live up to this ideal. Later I settled on the most positive interpretation, and said to myself, "this is how she might see me."

[Armadillo]

BeeKeeper...this was amazingly enlightening to read how you were so quickly able and willing to adjust your perspective. Its actually super hard to do! 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the encouragement Armadillo-yes, it's very hard.

June 5

Today I'm experimenting with coping strategies. I do a small anxiety provoking task, then something neutral-repeat, repeat, repeat. This seems to work right now. I'm keeping my thoughts on the RAIN acronym from Tara Brach: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. I used this when an old Motown song started running through my mind right after waking up. I asked myself what did this song mean to me, (unrequited love) then how did I feel about it (shame) then I dug a little deeper and saw that I didn't have to automatically start my day with critical self-judgment. Instead I asked what does this mean underneath all that and it was loneliness.

The one thing that came to mind a couple nights ago was that I am complete in myself, and not created to be a half-person who is continually waiting for someone else to come riding in on their horse and rescue me. So, I swiveled my perspective and started caring for myself mundane ways-(washing dishes, grooming, shaping and finishing earrings) appreciating my life and shelter, opening the curtains and turning on the fan. Now, the song has been replaced by a more upbeat one, and I'm feeling satisfied.

[BeeKeeper]

June 6

Communication opportunities over the weekend. My D wants me to travel 400+ miles to visit her and her family. It's either riding with my GS, flying, or renting a car and driving myself. GS smokes, is not vaccinated, flying out of the question and my physical and mental stamina is wanting. We are unfortunately separated by something more basic; conspiracy theories. I'm at the end of my 60th decade, everyone else is significantly younger and have traveled all over despite restrictions. The emotional pain this causes is huge. I decided to wait out the next 2-3 years to see what course science and people take.

I was able to plainly state to my D I would not be visiting this summer. We usually "dance" around, her begging, me promising. This time, I definitely said no, but told her I think of it daily and will know when the time is right.

This morning, I went to the cafe area of a nearby store and did my usual hygiene practice of wiping down the table I sit at as well as the chair. A staff member who knows me (and cleans tables) said, "When I've come from this area, I've done my job." I replied, "It's just habit, I do it every time. It's nothing personal." I'm satisfied with myself for saying something neutral and attempting to deflect her anger, but sad that she allowed herself to make the comment.

One more day of Trauma Survey questions. The seemingly incessant reminders have trained me to observe myself and access my functioning. I can identify with greater frequency when something has set me off, whereas before this, I was so focused on distractions, I missed it entirely. That in itself is a pretty big benefit.

My custom made earring ear wires arrived yesterday and now I can make things which go with silver. However, in the back of my mind, I'm starting to think about buying supplies and tools and doing it myself. I've never liked wire work, so there's still some resistance to overcome.

For the last 2 months, I've allowed myself to take afternoon naps. It's usually just a "reset" to feeling grumpy or overwhelmed or sad. I hated doing it, but now I'm starting to like it! The task oriented pushing pushing pace of the last decades has finally caught up with me, and it feels strange to slack off in such a blatant way!

[Armadillo]

I really love how clearly you are able to express your needs and boundaries without being hurtful or doubting yourself. You got some wisdom there!

I'm sorry you can't see your daughter again this year though. It's sad she won't do what needs to be done to allow you to be able to visit.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you for the support about boundaries Armadillo. It's taken a very long time to learn!

June 7

Nedra Glover Tawab wrote Set Boundaries, Find Peace. https://www.nedratawwab.com/my-book In her first chapter, What the Heck Are Boundaries? she begins with the "over-sharer". ARGH! Resistance plus! Recently I became aware of oversharing inappropriately with a person I respected. I considered apologizing, but decided to do so might be interpreted as a bid for further attention. Instead I simply said "I have regained my perspective." Life goes forward and the best I can do is keep the lessons of the recent past in mind when communicating, with
everyone.

Those who know me from before may remember my long care taking journey of a sibling, 16 years now. I'm in the process of setting my last boundary, having myself removed as her executrix on her will. This has stalled out for 4 months, and although efforts have been made on both our parts, it's started to move up my priority list. This morning, I decided I have to take action if I want to protect myself. Low and behold, in my USPS Informed Delivery I see a letter awaits from her. I don't believe anything has changed, and think I will still have to spend $$ to accomplish my goal-more later.

My big epiphany this past month is about self-love, or more particularly, the consequences of self-hatred and rejection. If I continue to listen to self talk which involves criticism and rejection, that sets me up for "finding" love, acceptance and validation from others. Insidiously, this perpetuates a cycle. The more I look outside to others for feeling good, the more it is likely to be hit or miss. I can get high on those responses which uplift me, but then plunge into the depths when their responses are not nurturing or helpful. So, I am continually at the mercy of others. Just like in the "old days" of powerless childhood! So, I made an effort to challenge every single thought, all day long, about my worth, whether it is buried in a memory, or a simple statement. I can see movement towards more emotional stability and feel more confident. Naturally, my impatience struggles to be heard, "why can't this go FASTER?!" but I recognize that too. It goes at its own pace. No rushing growth.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper,  I appreciate you sharing your journey and reflections as it helps guide me in my similar experiences.  I've also been navigating self love especially in contrast to rejection and judgment of myself.

In my exploration of self compassion, I keep coming across the work of Kristin Neff.  She has a website with a lot of information about self compassion.  One aspect of her work really rubs me the wrong way at times -  I also come across in other areas too not specific to her which is the idea of connecting my experience to broader, universal experiences of all people.  Sometimes I am ok with other, but other times I am not.  I do not always feel the ability to find compassion for people that use harmful means to express their own anxiety, depression, trauma, or whatever.  I'm not sure that I'm being asked to do that, but I find a lot of resistance there. 

Yet, I do see that being hard on myself makes me hard on others.  Right now often the best I can do when I'm struggling is say to myself, "This is suffering, all people suffer, may I be kind with myself." 

[BeeKeeper]

Hello rainydiary!

"This is suffering, all people suffer, may I be kind with myself."

I like the way you acknowledge your resistance and the way you have chosen to affirm yourself in times of suffering. I too feel exactly the way you do; many times reading about compassionate writing from Neff, Brach and others puts me off and I feel curdled inside. I felt this way about Pete Walker, Van Der Kolk and other biggies in the recovery field. My perspective and viewpoint after 25 years of bibliotherapy is to treat everything like a buffet.

Just because it's there, doesn't mean you'll like it, are ready for it, or can understand it. My behavior has yielded some benefits; if I'm not ready, I return it or pass on using. If I sense it's valid, but triggering, I do the same. I'm revisiting the subject after outright rejection a decade ago, and find even now, I must pick and choose. The good thing about Brach is that she addresses these very questions in her Radical Compassion writing. Of course you have to get far enough to find it!
IMO the most important aspect is to individually identify something that you can use NOW and when it no longer works, look for something else.

June 8

It is indeed a rainy and gray day here after unrelenting heat and sunshine. That's fine with me because I'm no longer in love with blinding light! It may be due to skin cancer, or the long, long hours of the afternoon, but I find myself perking up a bit when the sky is neutral blue/gray. Along with the changes about daylight, I'm going through changes about nighttime sleeping. I enclosed myself in a "tomb", with custom made insulated light blocking window covers, put black electrical tape over the green smoke detector light and closed my bedroom door. The faint light at the bottom of the bathroom door shed the only light in the room. Now I'm leaving the window and curtains open, the door open and if I feel the need to retreat, do so at 2:00 AM. Not only am I getting air circulation, but I am feeling bit better when the daylight comes in.

In prior days, I would occasionally make "feather lite pancakes" which used 2 tablespoons of baking powder and made the batter rise ridiculously high. I've perfected the recipe over the years. Then an episode of depression hit, and I didn't make them for 6 months or more.

I didn't recognize the depression because it was bundled into COVID-19 anxiety. Finally, when I dreaded getting up each day, I asked for "help." Predictably it was slow in coming, but by sheer force of will I hung on. Even after starting a (new to me) SSRI, it took another couple months to grab a hold. In those 2 months I embarrassed myself, sometimes publicly, mostly privately with the realization I was replaying old, old, inappropriate coping strategies.

A curious thing started to happen, in that I suddenly became very aware of my behavior, and what "made me" do certain things. I noticed when I shut down and how I handled it. I noticed when I became agitated and what I did with the energy. I learned a lot, and sometimes it felt like I was going through some withdrawal from a tried and true, albeit inadequate lifetime of self-sabotage. I should search for a better word, or concept, because it wasn't all bad, but certainly the majority of it was. On the plus side, I've been granted an oversize dose of (ethnic) stubbornness. Either way, that persistence has helped me carry on, through thick and thin. So the end of this story is I made pancakes today and they turned out better than ever.

An intense care taking investment on my part resulted in self-abandonment. That's been true for years now, and I've worked hard to come back to myself and regain the limited control I had over my own life. Sure, I managed to grind along, but the old goals of streamlined super organization eluded me. Now perhaps that is unrealistic. Still, I'm slowly crawling back and clawing back my life inch by inch. Sometimes in spurts, lulls and very slow progress, but I feel it happening. I guess the energy it takes to bloom can't be directed as I'd like.

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry you were in a prolonged and exceptionally draining care taking situation and am joyful for you to finally cross that last hurdle of removing yourself as executor of the will. I am also ecstatic for you that you managed to pull out of the latest intense bout of depression and perfected those perfect and long-abandoned pancakes! Yum!