Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, beekeeper, (love the avatar)

something you wrote really struck me. that of feeling false to even offer your thoughts due to things you've repressed and submerged.  to my mind, repression and submersion of parts of ourselves, whether it be choices, actions, behaviors, thoughts, feelings, etc, have been survival skills our brains have chosen as the best way to stay sane and alive.  i've submersed and repressed so much just to make it through a life filled with one calamity after another, but i don't think it means i'm always that person or always continuing to do those things. 

i think as we progress with our recovery of our true selves, we'll be able to more clearly see how those skills have helped us survive whatever we've been thru.  my T recently told me that i may have acted one way in the past, am acting differently now, but those skills helped me to get to today, so the person i was is not worthless, useless, or bad.  instead, she did what she had to do to make it thru, and those skills still come in handy at times, even as i'm growing out of a place where i have to use them as much.

i don't know if this is making sense, or if it feels relevant to you.  if not, just ignore it, please.  it just struck this chord with me and felt very familiar, something i'm only beginning to tackle.  i think it's a wonderful piece of introspection for yourself, something you can build on and grow from.  just be kind and gentle with yourself, ok?  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Thanks for the avatar compliment. The grieving let up Friday.

san,

Thanks too for the avatar compliment, bright pinks and yellows say happy to me. I appreciate your points about accepting past behavior as necessary survival tactics, and I agree. I see my past experiences reflected, yet a lot of those took a long time to resolve, so it's tricky to strike the right balance. Reading also allows MORE forgotten things to come to the surface, and then it all collects in consciousness. Doing my best to be kind and gentle. 

July 24

I had a minor guardrail scrape today in the car, and my mirror hit a thruway reflective sign. The hinge allowed the unit to smack against my window and the mirror went flying off the car.

No one was hurt, just

[Armee]

We've all done that...I think.  I'm glad it's just the mirrorm 

Keep up being gentle and kind to yourself. You deserve it. 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, yes, "just" the mirror. Last time it was $450 worth of new tires and rims. 

LIbby, I'm borrowing a comment you made to a newcomer post by witnessofthelucidhypocrasy. You said:

I have often felt like I was carrying all of their pain, for them. So that they... could continue to function, despite unfaced issues.

This is an idea I've come across before, but never struck me as relevant until now. I was born with a birth defect which prevented me from walking. It was a simple fix, but my Mother was adamant that it not be done. My Father prevailed and it was done, granted over a year and a half late. I can only imagine my Mother's despair at being 25 and having 3 small children, with the baby having a "problem" which her religion didn't allow her to address. Over time, my Mother was alternately jealous of my talents or enraged by my efforts to put up physical and emotional boundaries. I've spent a lifetime of feeling our pain, she had the same abusive perpetrator, and died from his sleep prescription. (the "narrative" was heart medication)

Due to the decades of underdeveloped social skills I had, my personal relationships were always fraught with some kind of drama. Still are. But, my T and I have worked out a goal; to became aware of my martyr behavior and calling a halt to it, SOONER. Baby steps. Periodically I make vows and goals to "die" ____________. Fill in the blank with peaceful, aware, content, empowered, assertive-you get the picture. There's little time now to really put in the work but nobody promised life is easy.

With every small and large setback, I seem to go under first, then eventually bob back to the surface, where a couple of chromosomes on some obscure strand of DNA get together and say, NO WAY! Being older has made life into a real balancing act, and school, where the lessons I didn't get the first 20 times, present themselves again.

Joni Mitchell lyrics Gandolf publishing 1967

I've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.

[Armee]

Bee,

I often feel at a loss for useful words when replying to your posts. The reason is because I am always struck by how resilient and wise you seem, despite everything you've been through and are going through. I learn so much from reading your posts. 

I am so sad that you had to carry the pain for both you and your mom. It's not a role for a child to have to do that. You shouldn't have had to do that. You should have had someone to carry your pain. But it is a testament to your beauty and strength. I know it isn't without its cost, too so I don't want to glorify that strength either. Just. 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee.

Thank you for the interest, empathy and hugs. It helps to write these things out and "be seen and heard." I'm practicing writing and talking about my narrative, and bringing everything out from the shadows, where it was assumed all history was stored. This is part of my legacy to my daughter and family. She might not express her caring in a way I feel it, but my grandchildren do, and for me that's enough.

The New York Times has a Style section in which they publish Modern Love stories of 100 words or less. I keep my subscription only for this feature! Sometimes it just changes my day. This isn't one of them, but sweet just the same.


A 'Conspiracy of Affection' A Modern Love Story

While vacationing in London's Clerkenwell neighborhood, I found a dance class that seemed doable: "Limbering, Tuesdays 6 p.m." The next evening I found the stately brick building just blocks from my rental. Everyone welcomed me warmly. "Where should I stand?" I asked the teacher, who I guessed was in her 80s. When she didn't respond, I was surprised. "She can't hear," the student beside me said. "But it's OK, we all know the routine." I joined this conspiracy of affection and followed along so that our teacher, buoyed by her devoted students, could continue doing what she loved most. — Sue Books

[sanmagic7]

i think it's a wonderful goal, bee.  becoming aware of something we say or do is such a great first step toward resolution.  there's a difference between being victimized and remaining in the 'victim' mode.  how very brave of you to tackle this.  personally, i think you'll find great personal rewards as you continue down this path.

keep at it, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support   

[BeeKeeper]

thank you san! How right you  are! This point is one the main things I've thought about for a while now. Some of the programs out there to help want to have you permanently accept a label:

Survivor of___________
Recovering ________
Adult child of ___________

I'm not feeling it. And I discovered long ago that feeling continually victimized is the same way-it reserves a part of my brain to look for confirmation.

July 26
Feeling good although woke up before 6, Waking up does not = getting up!  Called my mechanic to look for an aftermarket part, will continue making a shower gift for my friend on the building staff. (it's good to have a surrogate daughter!) Will wait for a text from Barry for the time of our coffee date this morning.

Yes, friends, Barry is back. After some denial or confusion on his part about communicating with me, he's not willing to "let go." A surprising thing happened in the mean time. My epiphany for the month, actually. It has to do with acceptance, not mine, but others. The fact is I'm functionally deaf. Although I can access a bunch of technologies and act as though I'm hearing, it unfortunately confuses and fools people into thinking I'm hearing. And I've put up with that confusion with it's passive hurt for too long.

So here's the deal: if you don't or can't "get it", then you are not going to be an important part of my life. I won't allow it. And if you do "get it" great! Let's see if we agree on our values, and if so, I look forward to our learning from each other. 

[Armee]

That's a really important realization to develop this month, Bee. You are deaf. There are awesome tools but they are not the same as "hearing" as we are all used to the concept, and in fact and come with some significant repercussions (like pain, ambient noise, and the potential for losing them!). It seems important to be around people who are able to enjoy you as you, with hearing, without hearing, with tools and technology, and without it.

I hope things go well with Barry today. 💛

[sanmagic7]

love that strength, fortitude, and sense of self-acceptance!  it sounds so powerful and right for you.  well done!

hope your date goes well and you have a good time.  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

Update: Thanks for the support and affection!

My coffee date lasted 7 hours.  Coffee, farmer's market. road trip, lake overlook, dinner ,Addressed everything right up front. Yeah me! 

Learned about the delay and reasons for the voice calls.    too private to share.

A delightful wonderful day filled with laughter, good music and tenderness. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Snowdrop]

  and 

[Hope67]

  and    Your coffee date sounds so great.   

[Armee]

Wwwwwhhooooaaaa!!!! That is some coffee date! 

You addressed everything up front, too!!!! (((((Bee)))))) this is amazing!