Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, san, Snowdrop, Hope 

Before I get into it, I want to thank Armee and san for your special words of acknowledgment about my deafness trials and encouragement to stay the course. It really touched me and meant a lot. It's directly influenced my thinking and behavior which lead to earth shattering changes for me.

July 27

OK, where are we? Oh yeah. I remember now. 

So, it order to make sense of all the confusion, I decided to shine a brief light on Barry's life. Immediately after our first date, he faced an unexpected family death and he prioritized his support for his kids. The voice calls were because he didn't have my email and it was not text message appropriate. He thought I could listen to voice mail messages, amplify them and go from there.

The major points of yesterday were:

His first words yesterday were: "How are you doing today?" All my issues were front burner and he kindly and sweetly encouraged that. The narrative, mood, emotions, tone, everything was coherent and fit together exactly as I would have expected. I am going to put aside modesty and say I am SO PROUD of myself for bringing it all up, not waiting and "seeing" guessing and observing from the sidelines. NOPE. Right out, "this is what I need, tell me why you didn't give it when you said you would." Dang. That used to come in the midst of screaming yelling arguments, not a calm, curious, respectful introduction. So, that's different. He welcomes all conversation.

We talked about our daughters, he has two, I have one. They are all in their 40's. Then he revealed a showstopper: "I've never spanked my girls. All I had to do was look at them." Then he described his discipline technique which was rational conversation about what happened, why it was wrong, how to learn from it and to not do it again. From other things he's said, this all fits with his viewpoints about family relationships, social relationships and his attitude on life. His motto: Learn from your mistakes, (cause we all make 'em) Typing the words needless to say is so redundant, but Trigger Warning: for a person who felt the bristle end of hairbrushes, wooden spoons, yardsticks.... I feel safe with him.

His words and actions are aligned. He looks at me with well, I've never seen it before ....admiration, appreciation, affection. I've been alone for 35 years and often wondered if I was destined to end this way. I've spent 3 years opening up myself up to the thought of a partner of some sorts, imagining what that would be like. I've discussed this with my T, and she thinks overall, my ability to let go of my rigid thinking patterns has allowed me to make friends with this idea.

Critical to all of it is:
1.  allow me to grow at my own pace
2.  don't expect a one way street, the street is named "Reciprocity"
3.  love me or get outta my way!

I'm gonna end it here with a summary: With Barry, whatcha see, is whatcha get. (there's song lyrics for that too!  )

[CactusFlower]

HUGS!  Congrats on that date and Barry sounds pretty special. I can only imagine how I might have turned out had rational discussions been a part of discipline. I hope it works out for you and he respects your needs.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Sage/Cactus Flower.  Going forward, I'm calling you Sage unless you would prefer not. It's just shorter to type and I always have to think really hard about the word "Cactus!"

This is all new to me. I don't recall EVER having a calm conversation about needs, wants, issues, except maybe professionally.
For kids, even more so. And that's the extra sad part of our stories, what might have been, what we could have done, who might be in our circles of support now. I don't think that will ever completely "go away" but maybe lessen over time.

[Armee]

For kids, even more so. And that's the extra sad part of our stories, what might have been, what we could have done, who might be in our circles of support now. I don't think that will ever completely "go away" but maybe lessen over time.

[BeeKeeper]

As we heal, we may focus on other things. Thanks Armee 

Update:

Yesterday was a total  mind bopper for me-I only posted some, not all. Having a bit of a reflective afternoon with so much to grind through the old noggin.

County FOIL was answered in one week: no records found.
State FOIL completed today, being mailed out with payment tomorrow. Their process is different because of the volume etc. They require check or money order to clear before putting on their Sherlock Holmes hats. I gave them double on the off chance they have it, I want it certified. Don't ask me why.

This is likely to be the longest haul. But a good check might accelerate the process.  On the down side, I like my checks to clear quickly, and must adjust my patience. If nothing there, I'll submit the last one to the Town. IMO the lowest possibility.

I didn't get a chance to work through the Sheriff's reply before going on my day trip date. Therefore, it all kind of backed up into one mental mosaic glob. What is worthy of mention is that Barry chose the specific area and nearby environs where this all happened as his route. I didn't ask, but he did. I agreed because I wanted to explore my reactivity or absence. He was solicitous of my mental state, and I was OK with everything until I saw the name of a "back road" I used to take between points. It's a strange and unforgettable name- to reveal is to lose anonymity. Anyway, I seem susceptible to being triggered by street signs, 2 years ago it was the name of the County Seat where H#1 went to get the divorce. I came through mostly well, then and now.

What impresses me most is that I had vague plans of asking Barry to take me to the scene, after all the FOIL machinations were done-regardless of the outcome. Now, I see that if there is any energy field in the universe, it gave me a dress rehearsal. My D is quite taken with the idea of energy vibrations and alignment. I'm reserving judgment.

[Armee]

Bee. 

I'm sorry that the county record search was a dead end. It'd be normal to feel a bit deflated. I'm super happy though you still have a few more places to try.

I think it seems really magical that you and Barry went to where you thought you might ask him to take you. I hope you're doing ok today though from the triggering.

[CactusFlower]

Hope you're doing okay, Bee. Sounds like you have a lot of things in the works and Barry sounds supportive.

I'm not 100% certain what it is you're looking for or what FOIL means (freedom of information lookup? letter?), but there are sometimes alternatives. When I was doing some genealogical research that was hard due to some records being lost in a fire at the county level, the local library was a treasure trove. A librarian not only looked something up for me, they kindly sent me copies of the town directory and some newspaper notices. (back in the very very early days of "phone books") Just a thought, but librarians are often happy to help look up things of local interest and history when they can. I'd never even known there was a town directory. Maybe someone can help you think of alternate locations where information might be held. I wish you luck.  :hugs:

[BeeKeeper]

Armee and Sage,   

Thank you so much for the sympathy and suggestions. First, I thought it was very interesting that Barry took me (without asking!) But I had planned to ask him much later! Yep, I'm OK, road signs are over within a 30 minutes.

Sage, wonderful ideas, and a great reminder to me. I had thought about all this IF everything came up empty, but good to bring up now since I may get what I need without planning on it. My fairy godmother scenario is to dress up rural: plaid shirt, hair in braids, processor on top of hair, so people can wonder, "what the?", very worn denim jeans and find a little hole in the wall cafe where the "old-timer's" hang out. Then sit down with a group, pretend I'm the daughter of my neighbor back then, and ask if they remember anything about that "old converted schoolhouse fire in the mid 70's by Werner's farm."

July 29

So, this is actually my 2nd journal post today. The previous one was lost due to my hand grazing the keyboard in the wrong way. Since then, I have mastered what I knew was gonna be ratty; finding the EXACT Word alignment to perfectly match the diabolically spaced lines at 7/64" on the Town FOIL form. (For typesetters out there, it's theoretically in PICAS!)

Short info break here. Yes, the Freedom of Information Law allowed ordinary citizens access to government records
Each municipality has it's own:
Freedom of Information Request Form.
their own rules
their own letterhead
their own record access types with exemptions
their own payment policies
routing or ignoring policies

Back to our story:
The college librarian and I discussed the problem. A non-fillable pdf form which has teeny tiny lines and spaces.
Option 1. get a typewriter
Option 2. ask the Town for an advanced Adobe form which has the refillable pdf
Option 3. hand write
Option 4: print on plain paper, cut out each line, like a ransom note, glue onto the lines
Option 5: spend unlimited time groping in the dark and adjusting top margin, font choice, font size, paragraph spacing before, paragraph spacing after and choosing line spacing of "exactly" with matching font and size.

If I lost you here, you're not the only one. Bring out the pillows for a BORING snooz-er-roo! Take out the noise makers for the successful execution after only 1.5 hours!!!! Tried option 3 first. 

I chose Option 5 because it took the Town 2 weeks to respond to my email! The chances of them having advanced software and knowing how to use it=the hot place freezing over.

Feeling good and going to pace myself now. Enough for one day. Unfortunately the morning brought me signals that my aging neck is protesting my treatment of it. PAIN, pain, pain. Impairment of  flexion, extension and rotation.  It's not critical nuclear stage, but the warning sirens are blaring. Sent off a request for a PT referral and treating myself very gingerly. Advance warning of what critical nuclear means: PT twice a week, (there goes vacation!) neck retraction for 30 minutes each time, reduced functioning and no sleep over 45 minutes for weeks on end. 

One day at a time. Take care friends.

[Armee]

Take care of that neck! It sounds like a very difficult avalanche of pain that you are very familiar with!

[BeeKeeper]

Yep Armee, familiar and terrified. So far, no changes-plus or minus. Taking it v-e-r-y easy. So easy that I laid down for a rest after breakfast, and slept soundly and safely for 3 more hours.  Woke to up a couple of happy texts from my D and Barry.

July 30

How did we get to the end of July? The world turns, we ride.

This morning, I read (reread) part of Derren Brown's book Happy, simply because JamesG.1 said it helped him. It's helping me too with tethering myself to reality, instead of allowing myself unlimited fantasy accompanied with my own version of Disneyland. He makes the point that we have desires, that's all good, but so much of life is out of our control that the path we take is on a "diagonal" rather than from "goal" to achievement. He writes a lot about philosophy and compares thoughts among them. I like his process and his observations.

I spent a bit of time reading around many parts of the forum on the years where I was staying in my own part of the playpen. Sobering and familiar. I didn't need to be sobered, but I am surprised by the sheer tenacity and will and life force that's shown in peoples' stories. I see many things which are parallel to my own experience, but would never, ever, bring out here. Not that it would be foreign, but it would be feeling too vulnerable and exposed. Kind of "not there yet". But I  everyone who has done so, and congratulate you on your trust and growth.

Barry and I have yet to find our comfortable style. Feast or famine, but we are still new. This weekend will be good, with promises of lunch and license plate repair.  The main thing which strikes me is that all the things I want for myself, FROM him, I am capable of giving to myself. The main thing is integration. Sweeping up all the shattered parts, putting them back together and living with a complete conscious self. I don't need HIS self, I need mine, Being around him allows me to accept those parts and welcome them back. That is a totally different game than in my youth. I wanted a rescuer, savior, care-taker. Now I want myself to be whole.

[BeeKeeper]

July 31

I completed the license plate repair today with one trip to AutoZone, a nylon license screw nut and a Husky hammer. (That's the short version)

This morning I watched myself morph into an obsessed maniac. It was about manipulating split rings for my traveling stylus family. I bought a kind that has a small metal loop at the top to attach to a lanyard.  My goal was to attach to a certain removable key apparatus. I have all kinds of pliers and tools, but when I run into dexterity issues, my patience goes out the window. Within 20 minutes I became irrational, irate, angry and impatient. I saw it happen. I told myself to stop. I didn't stop. That hasn't happened in a good long while. So I can say, WOW! she's still in there. I see what sets her off. I'm glad that I have time to re-balance, since "B" and I meet in about 4 hours. He's bringing food and making me brunch.

It feels like I'm inching back to some rational thought most of the time. I allow myself plenty of observation to see where I am, how I got there and how I'm handling it. I noticed just a couple days ago, I can have emotionally laden memories without being distressed, the way I used to. That's new, hopeful and a little scary at the same time. I see it as a plus though because instead of labeling them "intrusive", I'm standing back and saying, "OK, here we are, I'm going to see if this passes." And for now, it does. Certainly part of emotional regulation for me, and my willingness to accept all parts, whatever they remember and however they feel about it.
I couldn't have gotten to this point without the forum.  

PM Update: in 6-8 hours. Cliffhanger?!?

[Armee]

Cliffhanger indeed! Hope it goes well.

Wow. I need to learn from this post. Observing and accepting. I'm still shoving everything I don't like about myself away. Thanks for sharing this with us. It helps me. I love that about this forum. We do things like posting for ourselves and others help us and we help others. Just by focusing on our recovery.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

To borrow Beatles lyrics, it's been a long and winding road to learn how to observe and accept. The first step is non-negotiable: to be compassionate towards and with yourself. That was the toughest for me because, well you know. the decades of judgmental self-talk. And it's deeply ingrained. The biggest thing is to start questioning and breaking that up. It's actually a habit, like anything else, the more you practice the better you get. Unfortunately for this self-talk, when it's challenged you feel "false", like you're lying and it doesn't sit well with the conscious mind.

There are other thoughts, coming from other parts of ourselves that are more balanced, and sympathetic, but the judgmental one is loudest and most intense, so we hear that above the rest of the chorus. 

But good news! Like any new thought pattern, and neural network, it can be changed. You gotta keep at it, and jump on the smallest automatic thoughts. Even if they don't come obviously packaged, you feel the thought because of the nearly immediate reaction you have to it.

Kristen Neff was my starting point, and then I went to Tara Brach. In  between there were blog posts, academic journal articles, books, therapy and zig-zagging all over the place. It took me over a decade, but things are starting to shift and change.

Absolutely your sentiments:

I love that about this forum. We do things like posting for ourselves and others help us and we help others. Just by focusing on our recovery.

August 1

Finishing up on July, yesterday was a bit of a counterpoint to the wonderful highs we've had. The neck pain, and migraines have intruded now on my life in a significant way. I was able to hold it together until about half an hour before his arrival. By then, I was laying on my pillow wedge on the couch with the curtains pulled halfway against the full sun streaming in. I'd prepared my bedroom with blackout conditions. I thought I took a half tab of medicine, but when I returned to the kitchen, there is was on the counter. A sure sign that things were going downhill.

He was solicitous at the beginning of our 3 hour brunch. He listened well, we talked about his vacation plans, and he cooked for me. During that time, I laid back down and saw myself starting to cry. Instead of stomping it down, which actually causes me physical pain, I let it take its course. Turns out it was short lived. Curious.

We shared a lot of personal information which was, in my mind, the deep dark secret category. Heavy stuff with attendant grief and sorrow. I voiced some of my family history which has weighed heavily on me. I talked about myself too, but of long past struggles. I mentioned trauma, just the word, not the subject(s) and tried to make a point that that was a big part of myself.

Towards the end of our time, he wanted to get physical. That's always a dance for me. I do, but at my own pace. My own pace is firmly in place with clearly marked flashing signs, wide lines, guardrails and a bit of a gravel shoulder. I am adamant about staying there until I see his behavior over time. Words are OK, but actions still speak loudest for me. There have been a couple of words and actions that made me cringe. 

The end of the story is I retreated to bed and stayed there for 14 hours. During that time, I had a long distressing dream which followed the same theme as my top nightmares, being lost and unable to get to safety. This one was different in that it was partly lucid. By that I mean it contained a lot of details which you wouldn't expect of a dream like that. Particularly how my inability to use the telephone prolonged the story. And I even recalled part of the numbers in reality that I would have to use. I don't think you get more lucid that that. Still I couldn't bring myself out of it, but marveled at the cornucopia of life elements which were reflected so totally. Even with all that, I'm OK this morning, since I'm able to respect all the ways I  processed it and will continue to take it slowly. There's a lot to unravel there.

Today is gonna be day 3 without caffeine/coffee. I intuitively sense that it might be best to lay off now. My PCP responded to my request for a referral by saying he needed to see me first. Ooops. I forgot the HMO rules. I found a par of misplaced earrings yesterday and am so happy about that. Everything is feeling under (what little) control I have, so that's a plus. Going out for a walk.

[BeeKeeper]

Update:

I like to use the words epiphany and enlightenment a lot, and I get excited and satisfied when two seemingly unrelated thoughts connect together. It started to rain as soon as I was ready to go, so I amended my plans and went to get salad type food instead. I'm slowly breaking my habits to eat processed sugar, sugar, sugar in the AM. My substitution is fruit. Still sugar but at least. "natural."

The conversations that "B" and I have had this past week have been challenging. It's like viewing a row of cells in a prison, knowing they are all locked, then taking one switch, moving it up, and hearing and seeing all the doors unlock. I made  a comment on Monday about a "time in my life" which wasn't good. I didn't embellish or include details, but I knew what was there. I've only been able to share specifics with one therapist 12 years ago. He cried.

In some ways, this period was "worse" and I've been very careful to build high walls. Of course it comes out frequently in my dreams, and HELLO! That's what my prolonged dream was about from yesterday. That's what it's always been about. Kind of like looking for Waldo, even though Waldo is the ONLY thing that stands out with fluorescent colors! Denial is not a river in Egypt. 

Owl25 was talking about that "one good therapist" from long ago. In many ways, that was mine too. He's gone back to South Korea, but I still keep a photo he allowed me to take. He once said to me, "we will always carry each other in our hearts."

[Armee]

Sending you a big but gentle light hug, Bee.

There's so much in your past two entries worthy of acknowledgement and response but also I want to gingerly be respectful to you that I don't know what to say.

I think I am very relieved to read that you have strong boundaries physically and are able to keep them. That you are able to talk with B about trauma being a big part of who you are and to expect respect and boundaries around that too. That you are waiting to make sure you really know what he is about and giving time to suss out any red flags.

I wish you were not plagued by these nightmares (and trying to get help and not being able to dial or call or run for help is the worst!!!!). And yet they appear to have things to say to you and you appear ready to listen. 

Finally, Waldo. Wow. That's a really good analogy. Cause I think when you have multiple traumas sometimes we don't know which character in the book really is Waldo and go chasing side characters and everything feels so elusive. But you have your Waldo firmly in your sights. Seeing it for what it is is powerful.

I don't have much helpful to say but I'm here. I read every day even if I don't know what to say. And I'm wishing you well.