Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[Armee]

 

Bee, I'm hearing so much strength and recovery in what you wrote and your ability to drive by those places and to see the isolated location in two lights.

[BeeKeeper]

   thanks Armee!

One casualty this morning, forgot to add oil to the pancakes, so wasted some batter. I gleefully threw it out and used lots of butter for the remainder.

Took a small rest to recalibrate, and I'm finishing up a small table cover, using my birdie fabric from Pakistan, honoring my intuition. The iron is hot, working well and I have not burned myself! A short rain cleared the air, so maybe an evening walk is possible.

[BeeKeeper]

Flashback to Julie Andrews and Rodgers and Hammerstein 1959 The Sound of Music

My favorite things

the way hair curls in tendrils at the nape of the neck
long dexterous fingers on a guitar strings
puffed cheeks of a wind instrument player
a voice trilling or vocalizing without words
breathing deeply
crinkling eyes to match a smile
feeling a dog's warm tongue on my face
my chest vibrating with a cat's purr
the hazy, purple gray sky at dusk
orange blossom honey
piano keyboards
watercolor paints, watercolor paper, watercolor brushes
the smell of linseed oil with oil paints
thread/beads in all colors of the color wheel
civilization
people who help not hinder
maple syrup
singers, songwriters, musicians
babies learning to eat by themselves
children acting kindly
the ability to change
the ancestors who gave the best of themselves
legible handwriting
appreciation of goodness
healing of the body and soul
our lovely, green and blue planet
native peoples
cat whiskers and cat pads
waterways and canals
fluorescent yellow markers
Yes to Avocado Eye Cream 

[sanmagic7]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the hug san, good to "see you" again. Hope life is somewhat manageable for you and your D.  reciprocal 

 

[BeeKeeper]

August 10

33 days: July 8 to August 9

My own personal "best" for deciding against ignoring multiple red flags.
Rest in peace, go with lessons learned & drama/hurt averted.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate you sharing this.  Sometimes it is hard to know if it will actually be different this time and we can be so good at convincing ourselves to stay (as I have unfortunately done in the case of my job).  I honor you listening to yourself and doing what is right for you. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

you hit the nail on the head:

it is hard to know if it will actually be different this time

To me, that is the double sided nature of growth. Recognizing we've been here before, and then seeing if enough things remain the same, or if there are one or two things which indicate there could be a difference. Sometimes there's intuition, sometimes pragmatism, sometimes just plain suffering decides where we draw the line.

August 11

Richard Schwartz's book Internal Family Systems Therapy (2020) is in my possession. This is the perfect time. The confidence and self-congratulatory mood yielded to temporary grief and feelings of loss over my decision to remove myself from a relationship. I drew on my prior decades of suffering to remind myself I was missing the feelings of being valued, and that way reclaimed my pain and suffering.

Chapter 20 is titled: The Laws of Inner Physics.

This summarizes his theories and presents a synopsis of the previous 265 pages.

How Parts Come to Be and Take on Roles third subheading: last paragraph

"So although we cannot put parts under a microscope, we know from experience that they come into the world with us,

they are a natural element of the mind, and all of them contain valuable qualities. Although trauma does burden and force

parts into roles for which they are ill-suited, traumatic events to not create or destroy parts. In fact, it seems that parts

cannot be destroyed. When a part is exiled, chooses to go dormant, or retires out of awareness, we may believe it is gone

for good, but it summoned it will reappear. In addition, even injured young parts who present as dead are actually alive and

will return to a state of liveliness as soon as the client's Self extends love. "


I am particularly fascinated by the parts that appear dead which can be revived. 

[Armee]

I wish there had been no red flags to pick up on, Bee. But since they were I am so very very proud of you for seeing them, hearing them, and honoring yourself by leaving the relationship. So first a  and then a 

[BeeKeeper]

Awwww, thanks Armee. That hug and cheer help!

I must credit my D with giving me the final nudge to take action. I laid out all my concerns, and asked for her thoughts. She agreed on everything. At the end of our chat, she said, the part that she likes best about relationship disappointment is the energizing growth that happens afterward. This was in response to my saying since I'd made a decision that I'd gotten an incredible amount of work done that I'd put off.

And it continues!

One of my parts, if I can call it that, emerged in 1982 when I was a young mother and dismayed at the incredible amount of planning that babies and toddlers require of mothers. Just doing the simplest thing seemed to be a military operation-gathering food, clothes, cleaning products, packing it all in a correctly sized bag and then wresting the kid into the car seat....

I believed, that if I could only find the right cape, and emblazoned shirt, I would be like the women of the 50's, everything under control, dressed well, infant dressed well, calm, composed, kind to all.  I managed to hold onto that for 35 years, then gave it up. I even pursued being a professional organizer!

What happened is in my quest to be that person, rescue others, and "prove" my worth, I inevitably abandoned and lost myself. 

I was terrified I couldn't get even the most basic stuff back. I learned it takes longer for me to regain than it does to abandon.

I'm making tiny, tiny steps to get the basics under control: passwords and email contacts. That in itself provides a rich history. I backed up, printed out and purged. Now, comes the intentional work of sifting, sorting and discarding or keeping. Hallelujah!

[BeeKeeper]

August 12

A mixed bag today...woke up with a zombie overcast. Tried to figure it out, couldn't, then just went on.

Continued my purge/harvest of all my email accounts- and discovered once you put contacts in trash, they stay there for 30 days. Whew. I deleted frequent contacts without realizing there were all my contacts. Not that it's a big deal really. Out of maybe 60, only family and a couple crafty friends count. It's all on paper now, printed out one-sided.

Next came my morning cafe session, and observed all the old men gather on Thursdays. Didn't see Luke today and missed him. I do reconnaissance when I go in, just to glimpse that tall hat.

I mistakenly thought caffeine would fix me right up, but I was wrong. Ended up in bed for 3 hours trying to find some familiar something. That didn't work either, so I got up and wrote a "grievance" on an official form about disgusting odors emanating from the tenant two floors below me. The straw that broke this open was having to use my stove over head fan, PLUS letting my bathroom fan run 24/7 for 3 months. Such is public housing.

Schwartz's book may have something to do with my malaise today. I allowed myself to consider when, how and how long certain self-harm behaviors lasted in my life. From things that left scars to hair that ends up in the vacuum bag. I don't know enough yet to speak about it, or to a part, but I can say with absolute certainty and this is LEGACY stuff. I've been fighting against that all my life and wonder if I can ever stop. Probably not, but who knows? I'm an eternal optimist who believes that change is "just around the corner."

[sanmagic7]

bee, i truly believe self-harm stops when we have no need for it anymore. 

What happened is in my quest to be that person, rescue others, and "prove" my worth, I inevitably abandoned and lost myself.

i relate to this fully.  attempting to be perfect, i've finally realized, is an impossible goal set by the impossible expectations put on me by adults in my life.  ugh!  climbing out of this perfectionist hole has been a long, arduous task.  not quite there yet, but i'm closer than i was. 

hang tough, bee - i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs   

[BeeKeeper]

thanks san, I'm hangin' tough! I've come a thousand miles on my journey to stop SH, and nearly done with it. I'll keep your words in mind. The self-abandonment realization came into my consciousness more than 5 years ago, and it was terrifying to me. First, the recognition that I had let myself slip away, and second, could I ever reclaim? I'm seeing that the choice to leave myself was formed from the choices to follow my script, and that I can make new, different choices daily.

Reclamation is not for the timid, it takes an unrelenting push to "get back to where you once belonged." It inevitably creates a psychic and physical mess, so I need to tolerate it while it happens.

August 13

Each day I wake up, there's a song in my brain. Today was a happy one by Wilson Pickett. OK! I know I'm good to go. Going to drop off at a thrift shop, took down a valance, decided on the dimensions for my 7 yards of drape fabric, decided against spending hundreds $$$ for A/C and will shop for cheap fans.  A new used car is still prioritized.

I've read a considerable amount of Schwartz's book already and the bottom line is it scares me. There's no question that the strange things I've experienced over a lifetime could be explained or illuminated partially. But I'm not sure I can handle it yet. It feels like I'm balancing on a precipice and want to stay right where I am.

[sanmagic7]

i love the idea of reclamation of self.  it's how i think of recovery - recovering/uncovering my self.  i agree with your thoughts on choices having been imposed by the scripts we were given, tied to, and made to believe were the who and what of us.  yep, so glad to hear of your progress w/ SH - keep at it.  i think you're doing great!  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

thank you for the support and encouragement san~I like to "hear"(read) how my thoughts and goals have commonality with others.  Those things are completely absent from my life outside this forum.

August 14

I'll start this with a "win." I've followed a photographer on IG for years. He's a chemist, Dad, husband who is so sweet and gentle, always sharing others' work and praise. I contacted him and asked if he would be OK with accepting a paper credit card check (low, low interest rate) for purchase of a piece of work. He replied that the last thing he ever wanted was someone to go into debt for his art, therefore, he would "gift" me what I'd asked for.

  I was absolutely floored. So, I'm deciding where my new picture is going to be.

A couple years ago, I became really sensitive to blinding afternoon sunshine which enters my apartment from 2 south facing windows. In response, I put forth massive efforts to make 2 drapes. That helped somewhat. I've always been a "light" oriented person, choosing housing on the basis of that element. Now, I've become like the incomprehensible elderly I used to observe sitting in their gloomy shaded homes. (My P grandmother) I've tried to understand this, and all I can fathom is:

The glare of bright sun and heat means no place to hide from uncontrollable, harsh, one dimensional, overwhelming stimulus

Grudging acknowledgment of skin cancer multiple surgeries

Maybe I'm just now realizing what everyone else has always known. I have considered people who depend on air conditioners and those that require shielding from the environment "weak." Now my @$$ is on the ground with everyone else. Getting knocked off my high horse is such fun! Underneath it all, I perceive my F's "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" stop whining personality. I admit I absorbed quite a bit of that blind, abusive legacy script, but doesn't mean I need to remain in ignorance. My problem was he was the only present parent, and my only rescuer from a life in a wheelchair. But he's been gone for 20 years, and I still fight against his influence. I'm getting more aware now, which is something.

As a cosmic present to me this morning, it is overcast and raining. I hope it doesn't clear.