Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[Armee]

It feels reassuring when things just kind of naturally click and start to happen, like you describe with the books you read. And that you've found a way to work past those triggers to disengage through eating ongoing out. It reminds me a bit of opposite action type stuff from DBT that helped me break similar cycles.

Good luck getting through that of beads. Honestly the thought of organizing something like that makes me wanna cry. So hats off to you!

I'm sorry that your implant surgeon is retiring. that's a little sad and bittersweet.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, yes, very reassuring. Nothing has "worked" for me before, so this is new territory. Cleaning up my messes is one of the hardest things for me. I was aware with each container I took out, I'd have to put it back. This leads me to think about integrating a process since it happens every single time. Although he doesn't remember me, I consulted with my surgeon 45 years ago, and so we have a history. Definitely bittersweet.

August 29

Day 5 of gentle SSRI taper, it's all good. It's incredible it the end of August. Time perception has been all messed up; days crawling be minute by minute, days doing stuff and then having to rest, days where dissociation was so strong it took a real effort to remember the first half during the second. And now, a bit more feeling integrated from hour to hour.

Lately I've noticed some attention absences that concern me. I am holding my keys, looking for my keys. I put something in my backpack, and then forget it a moment later. This stuff used to signal hard times and long periods of spaciness. In July I was cleaning out my car and found a purple umbrella under the passenger side seat. I went through a short list of one person who it could belong to. When I inquired, she said it wasn't hers. I went to my car mechanic, asked there, and no, it wasn't theirs' either.  (Grimace emoticon here!) Is it mine? Did I buy it in some kind of trance? It's certainly a color I love, but hello! This scares me. Not terrifies, just gives me that uneasy feeling. I've misplaced a plastic night guard to prevent me from grinding my teeth and chewing the inside of my cheek raw. It's here, in my space. I've looked for 3 weeks and nothing.  Several hundred $ to replace. I still have hope.

Ending on a lighter, more positive note, my budding understanding of structural dissociation, how it develops and what ages are most affected has had a strange and wonderful result. I am not "blaming" myself, criticizing myself, judging myself for the past any longer. I am saying, "AHA! So, that's what's been happening." I've waited a lifetime for this and now it's finally here. As I like to say, Yikes-er-roo!

(to the writers and proofers out there, pardon my subject/object verb agreement if faulty!)

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee,

i laughed out loud at the last sentence of your post.  i do not read other posts to judge or criticize - that hat is strictly for my own work.  make as many mistake (if there are any) as you want - no problems!   

so very glad your weaning process is going so smoothly.  that's absolutely wonderful! 

as far as the forgetfulness, could it be part of your brain is being affected by getting off those meds?  i wouldn't rule that out.  our brains/bodies get used to having something, and when it's taken away, even slowly, we can have a reaction.  please, be patient with yourself.   hopefully, those attention absences will will sort themselves out over time.

and great news about your 'aha!' moment.  that's wonderful.  that's a load of stuff you were able to get rid of.  definitely something to celebrate, at least in my eyes, so here   

love and hugs, bee.   

[BeeKeeper]

Absolutely no problem san! Glad you got a kick out of it. I hope Sage does too. I'm totally fine with your comments and never considered anything critical.

The forgetful part was alive and well before the meds, and seems to increase with anxiety. I tend to track that symptom, as it has waxed & waned over time. Yes, more patient than ever.

Update:
I'm starting to plan one of my last road trips in October to see my brother 2 states away. He has a cat I've never met and I am at heart a feline person. I also hope to bundle that with seeing a lifelong friend of 40 years. I used to make that trip very frequently, but lost my innate sense of direction. I'll just take it slowly and make sure my cell phone is charged and cord available. 

In an e-mail to him, I attached my introductory history class icebreaker post and was horrified to discover no less than 6 misspellings! ARGH. Like spelling trajectory with a ''g". Guess what lesson I learned? Always put my writing through a spell checker, and do it from a desktop. I've screwed up more things than I ever thought possible by brushing the touch pad accidentally. I've only been using one for 3 years.

This week will be a month since my last FOIL requests went to the state and town. Guess what again? I've lost interest! The act of filling the paperwork, combined with the visit 3 weeks ago, seems to have changed the internal landscape a bit. A very valuable lesson that my plans and expectations to "settle" something are off the mark (in this case). Issues can be settled in unexpected ways. My T will be thrilled when I share THAT.

Well, the hair is clean for another week, tried a different combo of conditioners this time. Still 4 total.  My body has approved of all my food choices, no hives for 3 weeks. It just rained here, which means a cool breeze and no harsh sunlight. I've got time to do the dishes, make cookies and read. In an ideal world, reading would be in a bathtub of cool water, but I can't have everything.

Blessings 

[BeeKeeper]

August 31

Today was a "zinger." Mostly good, sprinkled with some frustrations, but the good won out. Today was "back to school" for the college and I arrived with the masses at 9 AM.Traditionally, all staff are out in the hallways, manning tables for the lost and in general being happy faces for those returning. My previous Criminal Justice professor recognized me, and acknowledged me. My previous communication professor smiled warmly. All the campus police gave me the nod, as well as other staff. It felt good to be "seen." I gave my history professor a book we agreed he would place on reserve in the library, he smiled and I smiled and walked away. I sat with a young man during lunch, and saw the same person in a study area later. The best was having a conversation with the police chief, in his office about my 46 year old arson experience.

He explained that a number of factors would impact investigations: absence of current technology, volunteer staff turnover, rural districts sparse funding and separation of forensic pursuit, volunteer fire department "drama" and in general helped  listen and wrap this up. I no longer expect any responses to my inquiries, but if by chance that happens, it's a bonus.

I was the first to post a discussion thread analyzing an article written by a historian in our homework section. That was "easy-peasy" for me because it involved referring to the written word, vs listening, reading captions and responding to one of two videos. I have mounds of homework, but it's keeping me interested so far.

Today was day 7 of the half SSRI dose, and tomorrow, I start doing alternate days. The main issue that's surfaced is memory impairment. My short term is shot, but long term intact. Sleep continues to improve, although it's hard to recall my dreams. The occasional headache flies by, but so far, so good. My T and I agree, this is the perfect time to taper/discontinue due to the shift in focus onto academics.

My GrS wants to visit me. I'm not sure if that is a real plan or the periodic longing. I'm open to seeing him now, but still want masks to be part of the picture. I've been able to slowly make small substitutions with my diet which has resulted in modest weight loss. My caffeine consumption is half. My favorite staff person in the building is out with a medical emergency.  I had a close call with Barry at the mail boxes, but avoided an awkward face to face  encounter. It's been 3 weeks.

There's a new murder/mystery comedy on Hulu with Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez, it seems promising.

[Armee]

He explained that a number of factors would impact investigations: absence of current technology, volunteer staff turnover, rural districts sparse funding and separation of forensic pursuit, volunteer fire department "drama" and in general helped  listen and wrap this up. I no longer expect any responses to my inquiries, but if by chance that happens, it's a bonus

This is amazing, Bee. It's beautiful when we stumble on these moments of acceptance. I wish you could get the answers and closure you are looking for, but if you can't,  this acceptance is the next best.

I am not at all surprised by the number of warm interactions you have had on your first day back to campus. I can imagine many many people would be drawn to being friends with you and just a chance to send you a warm smile probably gives a lot in return.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Armee,  great to have you back.

Yes, the conversation sent me into a blissful state for several reasons:
1. my own specific questions
2. learning about this sweet man more
3. seeing his collection of antique WWII fighter plane models his GrF had made when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. 
4. being in the "inner sanctum" of the office
5. the respectful front desk civilian who always remembers to lower his mask when speaking to me

I also got an "eye-crinkling smile" from my favorite officer over his mask. He's the proud Papa with 2 kids. My police affection and attraction goes way back. I always wanted to align myself with whoever had the most "power" to created that happy ending, if there was one. To fulfill an assignment in college in the 80's, I got clearance to photograph a multi-county K-9 training. Heaven on earth.

Thank you for this:

I can imagine many many people would be drawn to being friends with you and just a chance to send you a warm smile probably gives a lot in return.

I'm liking myself better and I see some shifts in responses.

September 1
Day 8, no SSRI. Woke up from a very specific dream about having more surgery on my face, near my eye.  Is it intuition or anxiety. Doesn't matter. Also, a prior "friend" who held me in contempt and derision appeared with some past memories. That came up due to some sneaky judgmental thoughts about other people I've invested in. " How could I DO that?!?" These are thinking habits which need identification in order to resolve. Slow and steady every day.

I'm calling it quits for now, because the website seems to be clunky and previews take multiple attempts or reloading of the page. Have a peaceful day. 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like weaning off your meds is going pretty smoothly - i'm glad for that for you.

oh my, memories of people i've invested in over the years and how i've eliminated them from my life.  how could i do that?  i was in a different frame of mind altogether, barely thinking of myself and what's best for me, terribly scared of being alone, plus a lot of them were drinking buddies.  different mindset, completely.  so much of what we've allowed in our past can be dreadful to think of now since we're on a different road altogether. 

i love your 'slow and steady' attitude.  keep it up!  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

thanks for the  san, about the meds and about the slow and steady. You're totally right, different person, altogether. Hello!!!! So glad too, because what a chore it was to make my way through the constant drama. Birds of a feather fly together. My drama was small compared to theirs.

Update:
I ate dinner by myself, alone, not electronics. Guess what? I am full. Confession, I already ate my molasses cookies earlier.  No problem. I looked out the window, and once again appreciated today how "cool" it was 70's!  I'm actually wearing a long sleeve shirt, although started out the AM with the usual sweat dripping off my face. Going into my 5th year here, I am on the third floor, overlook a lot of tall trees and behind that a cemetery. The only activity is in the parking lot out front. Occasionally I see a bunch of deer and generally peaceful.

So, I'm 72 hours into my early western civilization course. I've watched 4 hours of video and read a bunch. And dang! If it isn't happening again.....the lovely recognition that I am "incorporating the course content" into daily life. It's pretty relevant too since the themes are humanism, rationalism and idealism. It was particularly strong while I was in physical therapy and thinking about the human body. Mine being pulled and torqued. All good.

[rainydiary]

Bee, I felt tranquility as I read your post.  I hope you continue to find ease and comfort.  I love learning and when learning finds its way into our daily routines.   

[sanmagic7]

    

[BeeKeeper]

rainy! No one has ever used the word tranquility after reading something of mine! I'm shocked, amazed and grateful some of the calm came through. Yes, when learning reaches what I call the "second layer of brain cells" good things happen. 

san, we all agree.  Sorry to read about the gym in your journal. I feel more comfortable putting my thoughts here. This is exactly what I've experienced for 1.5 years now; intense anger and disappointment. Not too dissimilar from my default setting even before masks. I knew I had to find a way to think about it so I wouldn't burn myself out. This is the first year I haven't gone to the gym in 5 years.  I just can't take that chance.

September 2

Well! Some big stuff is happnin'. I've "adopted" my 5-7 year old and keep her with me during my waking hours. She still doesn't speak, but communicates everything in feelings. When I'm with her, my breathing is regular, I feel calm and loved, and the world is manageable. She likes that little stuffed owl I bought.

In order to short circuit the memory loss, I'm allowing myself more time to do everything. It seems to help. Printing is fixed at school and I have 75 double sided pages of captioned lectures. Not even half! That's OK too. I'm enjoying it more than I ever thought possible!? Strange times.

PT wiped me out yesterday, but that's been true previously, I'm now waiting for my body to give me the green light on a bunch of stuff. I got overzealous with my home exercises and learned from that. It takes a lot of focus to "listen" to my body, but practice will carry the days ahead.

I bowed out of one of the courses I've been waiting 2 years to take, because of masks and acoustics. Normally, I'd get all bent out of shape, but I decided it was a wonderfully caring decision which will eliminate a lot of uncertainty and extra efforts for me.  Not used to setting aside my "plans" in favor of emotional space. 

[sanmagic7]

Not used to setting aside my "plans" in favor of emotional space.

interesting concept, bee.  never thought of any of this like that.  thanks for sharing this thought.  in reality, i wonder how many times i've done this, as a coping mechanism thru the years. 

by the by, i wouldn't have minded if you'd put your gym thoughts in my journal.  i'm glad i saw them here.  usually this little gym (it's part of our apt. complex) is empty when i've gone.  it's just that i've been so out of it these past 2 months, i was really looking forward to being able to take advantage of it.  i used to work out regularly about 35 yrs. ago, then began to get sick and never could string even a week's worth together since.  just so frustrating when i'm finally feeling good enough to go, do what i love, . . .well . . .   hoping i'll get the chance another time.

anyway, sounds like you've done some great problem solving for yourself.  kudos to you!     keep up the good work.  love and hugs, bee.   

[owl25]

Sounds like you are really taking good care of yourself, BeeKeeper 

[Armee]

Welcome 5-7 year old Bee! 

I agree with Rainy. I often feel just a ton of calm and wisdom from your posts.