Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Awwww.  So sweet (heart emoticon here!) thanks for the warmth and acceptance san, owl, Armee.

Flashback to 1958 with a snippet of Buddy Holly's Everyday lyrics:

"Every day, it's a getting closer
Going faster, like a roller coaster,
Love like yours will surely come my way,
A-hey, a hey, hey"

September 3

Day 10 no SSRI

The rubber meets the road. Thanks to USPS early notification, I see a letter from the State Police, but delivery is 3 hours away.

Strange feelings yesterday afternoon following a brief e-mail exchange with my prof. I spent time in acceptance and identification, and encountered a goulash of thoughts. Some very, very old, some new. Some limerence based, most reality based, and wonder of wonders, hangovers and dug in parts which are tenaciously holding the "fort." Point is that I talked myself through a compassionate monologue, allowed all the physical pain to surface and went to sleep anyway. This is what I expect in the days ahead, without my SSRI, but I may be pleasantly surprised to find it's intermittent, not regular.

Dreams told the story, and it was a mosaic of growth. New boundaries, old places, rejection of deafness and coping without anger at that as well. The new boundaries echoed recent experiences with certain people wanting access to my body, and seeming submission to a longstanding "ex-perp." Freedom! 

Stay tuned.

[Armee]

  to day 10. It sounds like it is going pretty well!

My fingers are crossed for you that either the letter contains something promising, or that you are able to take it in and accept it if there are no answers, knowing that you have what you need, even if you want more.

I hope that doesn't come across as cold or cruel. I only mean that...well... at first I was bitterly upset when I couldn't access my father's medical records because I was looking for anything at all to help me understand who he was and why he did the things he did. But I realized after a bit I had all the information I really needed already and let it go, after a few days of not feeling great. I hope your period of disappointment is short lived if you are not given promising news today

[BeeKeeper]

"Please be advised that a search of our files failed to locate any records responsive to your request. Any records we may have had concerning the above have met our criteria for purging and therefore have been destroyed. Accordingly, your check in the amount of $30 is enclosed and returned to you."

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry, Bee.

[sanmagic7]

oh, my dear bee.  so very sorry.  that really sucks.

sending love and a hug filled with compassionate support.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee and san for the consolation. 

Sept 4

It's 5:20 here, just got up from a dream filled night; some due to unexpected reactions from the notice: some due to the 3.5 hours I spent with my sib who revealed information about herself and Hus #1 which I hadn't known. Other shocking revelations followed and I was unprepared for the way we coped with all of it. Despite the horrendous nature of everything, this was the first time I've experienced her as sane and inquisitive, with a real interest, not voyeuristic self-gratification. That in itself was a mind bender. Long story short, I knew the aftermath would take a while to sort out, and I'm not wrong.

Boundaries, powerlessness, withdrawal from social supports all take their toll and it's life long. But there's strength and hope with the recognition and I will work through this step by step with lots of patience. Because I deserve it!

Going to focus and distract myself with Early Western Civilization homework this morning. I have a challenging post to write. 

[rainydiary]

Bee, I appreciate your recognition of recognition.  I hope you find some balance today.   

[Armee]

Whew.

That sounds like a draining heavy day, Bee. Rest up when body and brain allow.

[sanmagic7]

  

may i add to be gentle and patient with yourself as you navigate the aftermath.  sending love and a hug filled with understanding.

[BeeKeeper]

thank you rainy, Armee and san. Surprisingly, I have found balance, although in the mundane act of laundry. Even though I did half of it, that's more than I'm used to doing. Now, there is a feeling of accomplishment, as well as the faint smell of vinegar in the air! That makes me smile.

I experienced unexpected, intense feelings of revenge almost immediately after reading the letter. The urge was to mail all my paperwork to him, where his wife would wonder. The intent was to blow up his life. Then I had a reality check. If I did that he'd easily know where I am, although that info can be gotten from my DBA filed in two counties. Point being, my self-protection won out and I dismissed that thought with a difficulty after 30 minutes of analysis. Bottom line, he didn't kill me, but he could have. 

Update PM

I'll start of with my "men."  First, the chef. I saw him today, earlier than I usually do. I set up my homework with Chromebook, notes, food etc. at my favorite table and I could tell he was curious about what I was watching. (You Tube homework about Greece) because he spent a lot of time at the surrounding tables, cleaning, then going back to clean again, with no customers in between.  We greeted each other.

Next Barry. This makes me  Yesterday was double saturation with two encounters; one at the entrance and one IN the elevator about 8 hours later. Encounter #1. He turned to talk to me, and I pointed to my head and said "no hearing aid"!  Shorthand for deaf. It didn't phase him in the least, he kept talking with his mask on. Then he pantomimed him seeing me. As though he wanted to talk. I said: "You see me, I see you" and walked away. I couldn't imagine what he wanted.

The good news is that Larry counteracts Barry and leaves a sweet feeling behind. I'm grateful for that.

After I returned from a gut wrenching time in the big city, and was held together by will power, I got in the elevator. I saw him coming along, stepped to the back and waited. I hoped I would be spared and the elevator doors would close with a solitary ride. Nope.  He reached out his hand to stop the door, gave me a big greeting with a wave and I remained a stone.  My processor was in my pocket, now after hours of wear. I moved nothing, no shifting stance, no smile behind the mask, but absolute cold indifference to his presence. I had a moment to observe him as we rode up a floor together and wondered how this person had hijacked my life so intensely for a short period of time. (Rhetorical only, I know every single reason.) I felt a small twinge that I had not been gracious in the least, but let myself act and feel with no ambiguity. Just  tolerance with suppressed disgust.  It's unfathomable to me that this is how he wants to "play" it. As though nothing happened and he's the one who took the high road. His problem, not mine.

[Armee]

 

Dang Bee that's a lot and I see you holding it all and not faltering. 

You handled those situations - all - with strength and decisiveness.  You were strong, and put your self first, which is where you belong.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the hug and cheer Armee. It helps to have that support, without it, I know I'm OK, but with it, I sit a little taller.

Sept 5

I catch myself still wanting to write "August"

My big fat Greek thought this morning was to "walk off my migraine." The last thing I wanted to do, but did it anyway. I was 50% successful and will use that knowledge to take the RX as last, last resort. I tracked the distance around my complex's walking path and it fulfills 34% of my current wimpy daily goal. All good!

Three days following my PT rehab, I am down to manageable pain and will restart my exercises. I got a tip about how to feed my fabric through the serger with my left arm and hand; by wearing gloves with little raised dots. Just happen to have some and washed them yesterday. Whoo!

My prof sent out a disciplinary oriented e-mail to the class last night, and from the content and tone, I know he's annoyed. Even so, he handles that professionally and I might be able to learn a thing or two from his techniques. Also, very intensely gratifying, but not absolutely necessary is I was graded on my prior posts. Like the cereal advertisement with "Mikey", he likes it! Getting ready to do the final edit on my chunky post this AM, doubling the minimum word count of 250. Still, it's a real challenge to cut it down.

I see that my strategy of giving myself space and time to deal with my memory reduction is working really well. In fact I locked myself out today, but said immediately "remain calm" came up with a plan and the stars aligned to make it happen exactly as I'd hoped. I then got my keys, remembered a couple other things I wanted to take and very happy with myself and life this morning.

My D and I had a very rewarding message exchange last night, in which I revealed my SSRI details and withdrawal. She was inquisitive and supportive. I also learned my GrD had the same physical reactions after taking Concerta years and years ago, which my D noticed after 1 week! And subsequently terminated that. I was impressed by my D's observations, her actions and her care for my GrD. Very interesting stuff.

Update:

A 12-13 year old part has surfaced and she's got a lot to say. Right now, she's absolutely right. I posted my week 2 review of a video and was pleased with it. I'm now working on my curtains and making cookies.

[Armee]

It makes me feel really happy that you had a safe and connecting message exchange with your daughter. 💛

You are brilliant, too, Bee. It kind of cracks me up that you almost seem surprised when you get positive feedback or smiles back from people you interact with. I know it's not your fault you came to see yourself in a different light for a chunk of your life, and that some terrible people in your life made you feel less than in all sorts of ways. But that was them.

Bee is witty and fun, smart and clever, kind and wise, creative and warm, strong and way worthy. It's not a surprise to me at all that you are greeted in life with such praise and warmth.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Your sweet, caring post means so much. Thank you for a different perspective.  You're close when you say, I seem  "almost surprised." Just remove almost.  There's still a long distance between my heart and head. 

Sept 7

Up at 3 AM after an unexpected 12 hour retreat to my cave. It was coincidentally Day 14 of 1/2 dose of SSRI. Last one, for now. I've swung through a cycle of interpretive feelings: disappointment, shame, relief, gratitude, comfort, curiosity, and compassion. I think I'll stay with compassion.

San posted about her feelings about not being able to do the things she did 30 to 40 years ago, and that hit the bullseye. I've allowed myself to recognize reality and my accomplishments despite the upward climb. Still, I "expect" more of myself than I can realistically give, but have identified the recent digressions as C19 related. This year, although we are slightly lightening up, the threat has not passed. One way this manifests itself in my life is the aversion to bright sunlight, which in the past meant going out, doing things and being active. Another thing is that 2 surgeries this year have brought me to a place of vulnerability.

The above, combined with reading a couple pages of Janina Fisher's book, seeing my life in that perspective, taking relational risks and being kind to myself.....the mountain is steep and high. I'm not discouraged, but I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I recognize it's my own growing pains.

Lastly, I had an epiphany about transference, it also happens outside of therapy and be just as intense and confusing. I'm able to cope with stuff as long as I have a name and a clue. Unrelated and also surprising is that my sib has responded to me in a normal way since out last encounter Friday. I won't expect it to continue, but this is the opposite of  the last 30 years of interactions!

Song lyrics continue to accompany me through my days. Girls groups from the late 60's are particularly strong now.   

[rainydiary]

Bee, I am grateful for the chance to read your entries.  I learn something each time and appreciate the model you offer for me of navigating all the stuff we navigate.