Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[Armee]

 

Just lots of hugs, Bee. Lots of them.  And acceptance. 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee, a great way to end the day. 

[BeeKeeper]

Sept 11

Writing this at 6:30 AM after waking at 6 from a lucid dream. The decade of the 80's "compartment" door is open and all my social workers, agency reporting, daughter's CSA, attendant feelings of powerlessness and betrayal are on full display.

Recovery and healing are difficult and painful.

Going out for a walk to process. In the past, walking and running was my favorite a form of flight. Now, it's the opposite. It helps me understand and collect my thoughts.

[rainydiary]

Bee, Those types of dreams can be so unnerving.  Our body feels the reality of them.  I hope movement supported processing.

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

it absolutely did and transformed the entire experience. Thanks for the support 

[Armee]

 

Bee, so much is flooding through you right now and I am amazed, but not at all surprised that you can stand up and be with it. You have built up through so much hard work this amazing reserve of resilience to ride through these difficult waves of memory. 

I'm having trouble finding the words to say ... none of that means you also can't be not ok. It's not fair you have had to go through this and these memories could throw anyone for a loop.

[Bach]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Thanks for the recognition of resilience, I surprised myself! After 7 hours of being upright and walking a whopping 3 miles I am finally feeling "tired". 

Bach, thanks for the kind hug. I wish it were in person.

Well, I confess, I'm still tied to perfectionism, but will allow for minor faults. I gritted my teeth and pushed through the last of my 9 hours of lectures to take the automated test. I missed one question. But...(Gasp!) I didn't even identify WHICH ONE it was. I don't care right now.

All kinds of thoughts are whizzing around my head, but am staying focused on the present moment....we interrupt this post to have a conversation with my favorite campus police officer. More later.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee,

i think allowing minor faults, especially if you're not berating yourself because of them, is a wonderful step to accepting the imperfection of being human.  those unrealistic expectation that were put on us are simply awful, to my mind.

cheers  to conversations with favorite campus police.  hopefully, it added some sunshine to your day.

so sorry for everything you've had to go thru.  i agree, it wasn't fair.  not at all.  sending love and a hug filled with care and support and acceptance of your imperfect perfection

[BeeKeeper]

hey san,

I like the words/thought of imperfect perfection, and with Armee's suggestion of B or even C, who knows?

I've decided to call my officer "Chip", honoring the old TV program by the same name and the cute lead in it. My Chip is not nearly as cute, but I did notice a little tiny physical attribute on his face, which is endearing. So, the sun rose at 1:30 PM when he showed up and wowie, zowie, did we "share" this time! 85% him, the remainder me, but that's fine.

The absolute worst thing he showed me on his phone today was his "hot tub" in his back yard, complete with flat screen TV nearby. He specifically described how after he played golf today he was going to relax in it and chill out.

The reason the hot tub was horrible is that I WANT ONE! I wanna be in one, every single day of my life, until I kick! I left  my bathtub behind in 2015 in expensive housing and gone the "walk in shower" route ever since. In fact, when I move again, that is going to be a non-negotiable item. I've already looked nearby for 2 years. I actually said out loud, "This is cruel and inhuman treatment!" He asked me what I was doing tomorrow, and I showed him all my zippered pouches I made  that I carry and said "sewing."

This is a BIG life adjustment, since I have spent my entire life retreating to the tub for comfort and peace.   

[Armee]

Oh man. I feel for you, Bee. I couldn't imagine life without a tub. It's my retreat too (though actually I have been avoiding them as they seem to be a little bad for me too as i dissociate and spend hours in them)

I have my fingers way crossed you find a place to live with a tub or better a hot tub.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks Armee,

That means a lot and you are the FIRST one to express any sympathy and empathy about it. 

Sept 12 SAD POST TODAY TRIGGER WARNING

After lengthy procrastination, the gig is up and my laundry is now in commercial dryers. I live only a short distance away, so I can drive home and do other stuff while it spins. The kitchen needs serious attention and so a division of labor seems good. Waiting for the washer allowed me to walk and shoot towards my unbroken 4 day trend. I'm proud of myself for that, because symptom #1 is lethargy. Still taking it one day at a time-each day is different too.

Uncharacteristically I received a lengthy email as a response from my sister regarding another Sept visit. In it she expressed her unsuccessful efforts to get to an estate sale. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but I was directly responsible for removing her car. She was in bankruptcy, and I couldn't maintain mine, hers and supporting her too. Old, painful times. 

I mentioned to my D that I "finally' understood why she loved another state so much. She pressed for "why?"

TRIGGER WARNING: When my GrS was 7 his father was shot and killed in front of his home, and the last gift he gave to my GrS, my D and myself was denying his son's request to  go with him while he took a short walk to the store. On the way back, he was shot (in the face)  and left on the sidewalk to die.

My D and GrS came over that night and it will be in memory always. Tough, tough times. Just like I moved 30 miles away, she moved 400. And although we bounced back and forth between states for a while, she stayed "there" and I stayed "here." It's taken 15 years, but she's made amazing progress. We don't agree on everything, but we agree on enough now to make it safer than it ever has been. 

The fall out for my GrS has been significant, and objectively expected. Added to my D's immaturity of having him at 17 y.o. he got the brunt. I tried to protect the best I could, but one person wasn't enough. Still, it's nice he considers me his M and has my name tattooed inside his left wrist. 

[sanmagic7]

such a horrible time in your life, bee.  i can't even imagine.  i just want to give you a big hug and send love and compassion your way. 

[Armee]

Bee. There isn't a hug big enough for you. 

I don't understand how humans can be put through so much and come out a shining light still but here you are.

Your relationship with your Grandson is very likely saving his life. And I know he must be an amazing person and so thank you for giving this guy what he needs...secure attachment. He has your name tattooed on his wrist. 💛💛💛

I'm so proud of you Bee. Great job getting out for walks every day, for muscleing through the SSRI tapering. You're doing great.

And way to put your silver lining on the laundry situation. 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you san and Armee,

I misjudged my readiness to put that all "out here" in the world and not feeling chipper and resilient since then. I considered retracting and deleting but will leave it up for now-maybe delete later. I acknowledge a collection of triggers to bring this up.

1. An assignment of a funeral oration and a comment I made about losing "sons" on my class forum
2. Army Wives Season 5 saw an exit of a young character, and although I knew it was coming, told myself, "No big deal."
3. "Seeing" my D in such a way, that it was so, so obvious to me. She posts little videos of herself and this was one different in emotional authenticity than all the rest.

Put it all together and the grief volcano unexpectedly erupted. It doesn't last for days and day, but while it does, it's very intense. He and I came to an understanding before he died and I cherish that forever.  All in all, it will come up and each time it does, I hope to "handle" it more easily, if that's even a word.