Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Armadillo,

Thanks for sharing the joy! The efforts to remove myself from executrix is not a "fait accompli"  but I'm closer than I've ever been.  The pancakes are great with either maple syrup or a local homemade strawberry rhubarb jam. (Jam straight from the jar is good too!)

June 9

Wow! I guess June 8 was my day. I felt somewhat more normal than ever, and managed to do a massive amount of regular "work" which means I did the nitty gritty of calling, filing, shredding, Marie Kondo clean up, etc. After all that I managed to start a new bead project, which bombed a little but I can take lessons from it. I forced myself to attend to kitchen issues, chipping away at the mound on the dirty side. This area is known as a "galley" layout, and very small. Sink on one side, stove, frig on the other, about 10 feet in length. Cozy!

I managed to keep my cool and talk a rep at a newspaper down $30 in subscription renewal.    I typed up a small health history list, directly related to all the times I've been under anesthesia, (10) for future reference. I read the news without freaking out. I slept OK and feel good today. My trauma survey is done, but yet to be concluded by the study staff. I moved a couple things in my studio for aesthetic purposes. I'm getting closer to doing my own laundry, instead of spending 3 times as much with wash & fold service.  Small things, but big in their impact.

The most important is I'm able to "sit with" feelings of grief about missing someone. The difference is that before I used to feed those feelings once they came by recalling lots of memories, and then dissociate by sleeping or zoning out watching movies. Now I let the single thought in, allow it without encouragement, and it passes more quickly this way. I'm able to ground myself in the present and continue with what I'm doing.

I've acknowledged that I can be very reactive and to counteract that I need to practice various things ALL DAY LONG! Effort? yes, but living the way I was took too much from me.

[rainydiary]

 

It can be so rewarding to have a day that feels so good. 

[BeeKeeper]

yup, rainydiary.

June 10

The pendulum has swung to the opposite side. But, that's life. I experimented with some behaviors yesterday; not avoiding "external reminders." Oops. Not ready for that. Regression started out slowly but accelerated when I saw marvelous wedding photos of a friend afterwards. I managed to get a grip later in the day, had vivid intense dreams, and got up late, feeling drugged and numb. Not numb enough to not know what the heck happened, but certainly in a state to make a short term guilt inducing choice.

Even so, I'm OK with a slight set back. The reason is that no growth is perfectly linear, however much I fantasize it can or will be. My Amazon gift card awaits for my Trauma Study and I sent a feedback mail to the organizer. I learned the most from the last part, 3 times a day symptomology questions because they woke me up from a place of denial and although the first few days were "rough" because it interrupted my carefully crafted distraction strategies, I came to appreciate that an awareness without going full throttle was beneficial.

I can't remember who writes about tolerating uncertainty, but that seems to be the new name of the game. I know I've always had trouble with this, and it's no surprise considering my life. But I find that all the things I used to resist and reject are coming around for me, offering a second chance.

Speaking of second chances, I figured out how I could "save" a little project after small experimentation. I originally thought I'd design an intentional colorway with turquoise. Now after getting down to it, I am going in another direction of randomly using similar hues. Not everything needs to be carefully charted, or "scripted" in advance.  Ah, giving up control! 

I'm grateful to be alive, untouched physically by pandemic illness. I've given myself space to grieve, suffer, make mistakes, grow and appreciate small graces in life. I'm supported by a wonderful medical "care" team which sometimes replaces the friends I wish I had. Even so, I'm lucky to live in a civilized time in history (relatively) with access to things I didn't have when I was younger.

[rainydiary]

I can relate so much to how the pendulum swings the other way.  One side always feels so much heavier and less fleeting than the other for me.  I appreciate what you wrote and hope you are able to find some ease.

[Armadillo]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks rainydiary and Armadillo  to both of you.

June 11

Yesterday afternoon, I remembered a small quilt shop in a "quaint village" 13 miles away. I plotted the route and this morning took the back roads (scenic route) both ways. Other than a minor navigational glitch (my own mind!) when I arrived, everything was smooth. I'd emailed beforehand, so I could have a conversation with the appropriate person about their open sew times. One thing led to another and I ended up arranging for possible tutoring on my ancient 4 thread serger. After a slow, soulful tour of each nook and cranny, I purchased 3 fabrics and walked away feeling good.

Next stop a car dealership I've wanted to check out for 2 years, and was met by a very clean cut man who listened well. It turns out cars cost more and more these days, and I left with 2 photos of something I can't afford, but maybe he'll look for the same thing, only older. We exchanged contact info, and I'm hopeful in a couple months, I'll be driving new wheels and hyperventilating about my car loan.

Dunkin Donuts makes a very fine apple fritter!

My D wants to resurrect a very complicated custom chair cover I made 3 years ago for her business. We went back and forth as to who had the files. I found the photos, notes and measurements in a desktop file. I vowed I would NEVER do that again, but time has a way of softening the pain. I would do it differently based on the actual wear and tear....now I could use the serger to finish the inside seams which unraveled to a point of embarrassment.  I did make the effort, but it fell short of success. I guess I've grown somewhat since then. Ordinarily getting involved in her business has pretty much left me feeling drained and frustrated. I told her if we did anything we'd have to upgrade our communication. 

Each day I find a way to make a small improvement in my living space. When I had my own place, I could do what I wanted. The challenge is to find peace and calm with what I have, where I am. At the end of the month, I pass the 4 year mark and realized it's starting to "grow" on me. I like the staff and they like me. Who could imagine?

[Armadillo]

This sounds like a very good day. 

[BeeKeeper]

It was Armadillo 

June 12

There was a small scare last night with a persistent muscle spasm in my leg for 6 hours. It kept me from sleeping and I started to problem solve, going for the worst scenario first. That fortunately wasn't valid, and today, not a twitch.

One of the fabrics I bought yesterday is from South Korea; birds and flowers on a white background. The main colors are pinks & salmon with some highlights of turquoise and bright green. I was planning on using it to cover a frame and hang it like artwork, but now I'm going to cover my small table which acts as an ironing and work surface. It brings up cheerful and calm feelings.

The fabric store I went to has offered to help me with learning the serger and set a date next Wednesday. There are 3 women working there, and all of them have been very friendly to me. I will see how it goes for the lessons and if all is well, it might be a safe place for me to expand my activities. Thinking about safety is a top priority-I'm attempting to create it for myself at home.  That's the bigger goal.

After 3-4 years of my T preaching acceptance to me, and myself begrudgingly agreeing, I think it's starting to have an effect. Typically, when my D wants something from me, I drop everything and forge ahead, regardless of reluctance or difficulties. Now, I am starting to integrate my knowledge about her, and myself and my new way of living. She and I are almost polar opposites; she's spontaneous, I'm a planner, she flits from idea to idea, I invest myself single-mindedly in a few. Her perspective is 180 degrees, mine is 360. So when she told me she wanted to pick up on a project I did for her 3 years ago, I paused. Instead of pursuing this with her, I will let her come to me. I have a list of questions for her to answer and depending on those answers, will either go ahead or take a pass. This is different from my past reactions and behavior, and I am encouraged with myself for being able to address this as I would anyone's request. Not just hers.

[woodsgnome]

Your T's persistent and apparently patient comments sounds exactly the sort of thing my own T has been harping on as well.

Self-acceptance. Sounds easy; isn't at all. But you've found its truth in your life helps, and while I still see only glimmers of the same process happening with me, I'm glad you shared your own observation that self-acceptance can indeed prompt one to new discoveries about themselves. And -- needed new appreciation, maybe even (dare I say?) self-love.

[BeeKeeper]

hey woodsgnome!

Those Ts can sure be annoyingly persistent.  In all fairness though, she had to match my stubborn refusal. As far as progress; a little (glimmers) or a lot (a whole day) maybe it's better to realize that we may integrate these thoughts based on our many different tangibles and intangibles. I'm thinking about where we live, who we see, (or DON'T see!) and our level of safety with the present circumstances. I moved from my place of birth, to 30 miles away 4 years ago. It was enough space and a "fresh" environment to shield me from incessant memories of my past traumatic life. The longer I've been here, the more I realize how much progress I've made. It is different for everyone though. The distance worked for me, and not everyone has that option.

June 13

Putting my nose to the grindstone and hand washing clothes or fabrics is not tops on my list of "to do's". I managed to make my way through all my Friday fabric purchases and lingerie. Yippee! Today, I have the freedom to play around and experiment. No afternoon nap for me yesterday, I was too busy "making" with beads. The pattern is easy enough for me to do 95% on autopilot, but that last 5% I really search for just the right accents. I'm not sure why I find this so soothing, and I decided it's not even worth figuring  out. I'll keep doing it until something else presents itself or I lose interest.

I was in "the zone", time had no particular meaning. I noticed that I switched my focus easily from intense to diffuse, interrupted myself often for mini bursts of exercise, (hoping to eliminate nighttime twitching) and forced myself to wash a little bit of dishes at a time, instead of diving in for an hour long session. This is new "little bit" directly dissolves my perfectionism; "once you start, finish the whole thing", "push on through this feeling, don't be a wimp". Most are variations of the pull yourself up from the bootstrap mindset, but a lot of leftovers from demonstrating that I'm worthy enough. 

Ever since March 2020, I've undergone an existential crisis, like most of us! And I recall completely losing interest in all the kinds of things I'm doing now. I read an article on apathy which interpreted this feeling as hopelessness and powerlessness. And the way to navigate out of it was to try different things, ANYTHING, that might spark your interest or energy. It's taken me a long while to spark. I've concluded that life is so multifaceted that the majority of elements have to be somewhat "aligned" before even the smallest forward momentum can happen. I used to be totally driven by goal setting, ambitions for my own healing and if we could all just hurry up and get to the good parts.... But I'm seeing that quiet space without goals and noise and constant striving allow me to make internal connections, sense of memories and why I have them, and to pull away from self-destructive behaviors.

[Armadillo]

I loved reading about your fabrics you selected and the projects you are turning to to lift out of the apathy are inspiring!  I love Korean fabrics! They are so beautiful and elegant. You'd like Korean papers too.

[BeeKeeper]

Armadillo,

I've been the whole S Korean route. I even had a very sweet pre-doctoral candidate who first worked with me in a meaningful therapeutic way. Yes, I've used the papers too! I'm glad someone besides staff at fabric stores appreciates the elegance of their fabric.

June 14 Flag Day in the USA

When I was young, a downtown mall had various contests which encouraged young artists to enter their work. I remember going downtown to see my work commemorating Flag Day on display; a short writing piece about why the flag was important to me, as well as a drawing. I was probably 8 or so. Every year, I think about that!

A disclaimer here is warranted: I was touched by someone's journal entry which directly related to my own experience. It deals with people who choose to take their own lives. So, if this topic is triggering. STOP NOW. This is my own experience and the lessons I've drawn from my life and the T's that have helped me along in my journey.

I was 22 years old when I was a newlywed and meeting my husband at this workplace for lunch. He came in late, got on his knees in front of me and told me he's just come from my childhood home where my maternal GF had found my M unresponsive in bed. She had taken an overdose of my GF heart medication. Chaos ensued for the next decade.

My GF was unequipped to deal with this, and because I was NC with my mother before her death, he chose to blame me for it. I accepted the blame because I didn't know any better. Eventually, I saw that I did not deserve this blame, and was able to (theoretically) climb out of the deep pit it had put me in. That climb took a minimum of 10 years.

This was the 1st suicide in my family, followed by 2 more. This had a profound effect on me, and it surfaced last year during the early days of the pandemic when I had no way to check on my sibling who had two psyche admissions for depression. There's a story here about trying to get a web cam, but I'll bypass that and go directly to the point. I had no control over making sure she was OK. None. Zip. Zilch. I recognized that I was suffering from not only old feelings but new feelings of powerlessness. Through months of suffering and work on my part, I came to some peace and have maintained that despite some ups and downs.

First and foremost. No one person is responsible for one another's choice to end their life. No one person can prevent it either. Depression, hopelessness and desire to end what seems like endless suffering is a complex series of interlocking situations, circumstances, resiliency factors, family history, and life experiences. Each is unique and different from all others. The study of suicidiology is young and still growing. https://suicidology.org/ No one can definitively answer all questions. It creates a special burden on survivors with continually questioning their role, and eats away at the desire for closure. The reality is, there is no closure except what you make of it. In my case, after a lifetime of searing hatred, even while she was living, I've come to a place of truce, countering the endless listing of faults with the few, redeeming life affirming ways she demonstrated her ability to be a mother. I've softened the edges somewhat, and even posted a group photo which I have on a social media site. This was healing for me because I was not vehemently resisting and rejecting anything that she was a part of.

Getting back to the point. We inflate our ability to control and to change other people. We can do one thing and one thing only. Change ourselves. This means to reach into the depths of being to locate and hold onto the fragile, worthy, deserving person who is still crying out for love and safety. Then each day, give yourself the best of what you have and can do to protect that small, scared former self grow into confidence and trust.

I wish you all well on your journeys to healing.

[Armadillo]

 

Thank you.

[BeeKeeper]

June 15

Well friends, my quarterly teeth cleaning was the best ever, with absolutely no bleeding! I'm being educated by my new hygienist who was shocked and amazed at my progress. She spent less time digging and more time talking to me, for the first time. It turns out we both have the same perspective on many things, (sugar, salt, preservatives, pH, fluoride and xylitol) including growth and change. Onward! 

So, a couple observations from yesterday and today. Thinking and writing about specific memories gives me pause. I knew it would happen and adjusted my expectations accordingly. Now that I've taken the trauma survey, am reading other forum stories and have compassion and resonant e-books at the touch of a finger, reactivity feels more contained and less volatile. I've also noticed I'm attracted to comedy, look for humor everywhere and am feeling more open with everyone. When I have an actionable thought, I stop to question the intent. This is very different from my usual MO and it is helping to curb the incessant need for outside validation.  My impatience to let myself grow at my own pace gets in the way many times, but I'm starting to recognize this too.


I'm allowing myself brief periods of messiness, and have stopped myself from putting too much into my daily life. Tiny, itty bitty baby steps.

[CactusFlower]

Bee, it sounds like self-awareness is really helping you in small steps! I totally hear you about the impatience, that's a big one for me as well. You are not alone.