Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[Armee]

 

[BeeKeeper]

  back Armee, I hope you're OK this morning.

Sept 13

Well, last night I took the "easy way out" and asked my D to buy me an inexpensive book for my class. She ordered within 5 minutes of receiving my request!  It was on the list of "recommended sources", it turns out I need it. The interesting part about all this was I spent 20 minutes finding out how I could access for free. When I saw I couldn't do it, I started to strategize. Then, lightning hit!

OH, yeah, I could ask for it 

My D has been quite generous with me, providing funds for laundry services, and ntermittent checks "just because."  I have maintained my stance of: even if I'm in poverty, I can still take care of myself.  But hey, every once in a while, I ease up. 

Today started at 5: 30 AM, which was OK, I love the dark, calm, early morning hours. I considered getting up and doing a 2 mile walk, but opted instead for tidying up. Turns out to be a good choice. All my clothes are clean and in drawers or on hangers. What is the best part about clean laundry? Having choices about what to wear each day!!!!

I reviewed a YouTube video about blind hems, and after significant procrastination, will do SOMETHING with them today. Sunday was half spent underwater, but I came up slowly as the evening went on. I'm OK now.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you were able to ask for help.  what a breakthrough!  keep on keepin' on, ok?  right beside you.  love and hugs, bee

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks san,

Later realizing it was so incredibly easy, I felt a bit silly. I've shared tidbits of recovery stuff with her and she seems more compassionate and accepting without trying to always put it in terms of her preferred agenda for healing. So there's that!

A quirky thing has happened, which might lead me to an unknown place. I received no grade on my online class posts. Surely an oversight, but guess what? I'm not going to say anything about it, except here.   Looks like a great opportunity for me to just relax and back off.     MUCH easier said than done.

[Armee]

Asking for help is so hard, because, at least for me...you have to first feel worthy of help.  So it seems so huge that you could do that. 

Ah poop but you worked hard for that grade!!!! Gaaaah!!!! 

It sounds like yesterday was pretty hard emotionally. I'm glad you are OK now and wish you hadn't had to spend some time yesterday not being OK. But  not being ok sometimes comes with the territory and I see how hard you have worked to have those times under water become shorter over time. 

[BeeKeeper]

Good point Armee, i never gave much thought to asking for help. Worthiness, and just plain common sense.  confusing! (not really!)

Yes, ah poop! Especially since I'm spending hours and putting in footnotes, just for the practice of it all. No problem though. I've settled on a new agenda. Less time, more highlighting when reading and focusing on other life experiences, the way I meant it to be originally.

Well, the underwater does come with life experiences of grief, and I can always HOPE for shorter, but I can also go through it too. Without headaches now, which is surprising. I just say, OK, well, here we are. I'm not gonna fight it, but feel it. Plus, I also did what another forum member did. I mentally ripped up my daily "to do" list making more space and ease for myself every day.

Update:
This morning one of my ASL instructors from last year, who started a preliminary personal relationship with me in spring, saw me at the top of the 3rd flight of stairs, huffing and puffing. She signed my breathing in an exaggerated way, and that made us both laugh. It was great to start off the day with a smile,

I had been all angsty about "sharing" too much with her, which I thought made her back off. but when I talked to my T about it, it was less about me, and more about her. So, I just let go of expectations, and it seems to work better. Every time she's seen me she stops to chat, and it leaves us both feeling good. In reality, that's what I want, feeling good, no matter "how it happens." If it happens naturally like this, vs during or after "heart to hearts" then that's fine too.

Thanks for the feedback. 

[BeeKeeper]

Sept 14

LIbby posted this statement in rainydairy's journal, and I thought it was "right on" with applications everywhere.

I think that we expect to much of ourselves, and this makes others so demanding of us.

Ooooooo, I never thought of it like this, and what a perspective. Durn it all!

This is a small thing, but has big consequences. For 2 weeks, the microwave oven in the college cafeteria has been strange because the button that releases the door has been stuck. It won't work unless the door is closed. Sometimes I can get it unstuck, but mostly, I can't. I decided yesterday having hot coffee was worth some effort, so brought in a small can of WD-40 and sprayed the critical areas, early, before I could be observed. Worked like a charm. Now I'm happy and untold others will be too! Ask me now, "why do women rule the world?"

[Armee]

Way to get stuff done Bee. Next time though march in with a holster of WD40 and whip em out in front of a crowded cafeteria. Just sayin. It'd be worth it.

[BeeKeeper]

march in with a holster of WD40 and whip em out in front of a crowded cafeteria.

I enjoyed that Armee 

Finally got myself in gear, my braid is started: 4 inches in 15 minutes. It's not the braid itself, I'm hopeful to report to my PT person tomorrow, this does the trick. I will also demonstrate. But, the braid is kind of cool too, since I don't normally go for "jewel tones" it definitely has that vibe. Who knew I'd mellow in old age?

I was all excited to wear my CLEAN clothes and went with turquoise today. In packing my food this AM, I discovered a huge (oil based) stain on the front of my shirt before I left the home. I swiped it with a sponge, thinking it was a water based problem, but no. Dang, dang. Lived through it and nobody grabbed my arm to say, WHAT did you SPILL On yourself?!?!?

After spending $3.21 on a massive slice of breakfast pizza, I ate half and put it away. Generally food is cheaper at school, but the ambiance of my favorite store cafe still calls to me.

[rainydiary]

Bee, I can always visualize so well your experiences as you use such descriptive language.  Thinking of the turquoise shirt made me realize I want to add more colors to my wardrobe as I tend to wear a lot of darker colors like gray, black.  Color holds meaning and I hope to switch it up more once I know what my new job will be. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy, thank you! Your comment reminds me of my T, who wears dark colors exclusively; browns, grays, blacks. I asked about it and she said it came from her childhood when she went to a school that required uniforms. She also said it was just easier for her not to add thinking about clothing choices. As a mother of 3 boys, working full time, she's a pragmatist with a capital P.

Just because others are color oriented, doesn't mean you have to be. I was born with a technicolor brain, and there's two sides of that coin.

Sept 15

Therapy later today, both mind and body. First, the body. I chose to put myself through some repetitive motions by making a braid yesterday, and I learned just how much is too much. I also learned that the colors I used hit me with a positive vibe and that's why I did "too much." But now that I know, it's worthwhile for the future. In a one frame comic panel, I see myself in an overstuffed environment, surrounded completely by hand made braids, with a caption: "It's the only thing that really helps."

We are reading about Alexander the Great and the Hellenistic period for 2 weeks. At first, I thought, no problem. Now it appears to be a problem, and like all my classes at certain points, the alarm bells go off, the switches are thrown and I find myself in a small or large EF. I won't give specifics, other than he was considered to be the "greatest" military commander of ALL time.

What happened is that one thought led to another, from ancient history, to more recent history 52 years ago, and something my M did to me in puberty. Again, the details would absolutely be too much for me to write and for the forum guidelines, but let's just say, I had my moment of epiphany. I discussed this same thing with my T just last month, and we hashed it out. We agreed that it was unknowable, except in two ways. First something traumatic HAD to have happened to her to "make" her act this way, and second, that it was a form of control and intimidation. (gee Mom, it worked!) I can't resist irony and sarcasm sometimes.

Anyway, what happened was I dreamed about it, Alexander, M and all my ignorant therapists were rolled into one. They sat across from me, fully clothed. I sat opposite, naked. Symbolism met reality.

Something has worked though, and it only took 20 minutes to get out of bed. I am OK and while not throwing my arms out at the day, I plan to get through it with balance and acceptance. For me, after years and years of confusion, having the final piece fall into place is "priceless" and the key for moving on.

[Armee]

Your dream...shudder...that sounds awful!!!

But your comic strip...that is hilarious. And weird. You'd have niche audience. 😁

[BeeKeeper]

Well, great! I'm glad to know I have an audience. I'm a fan of the Far Side, so I think it belongs there. The dream didn't "throw" me like it could have.

Sept 16

Something strange and cool happened today. And I'm going to use real names. I finished my braid in the shade at school and walked out to my car. On the curb was a young man (45ish) who was sitting smoking. He greeted me and I said, "just a minute" as I put my stuff away. He was wearing a staff name tag, so I sat down on the curb too and we talked for a bit.

I asked to see his name tag, and he took it off and handed it to me. It was "David_______." I immediately said, "King David" although don't know why. He stood up, pulled up his shirts, I saw his naked self and on the right side of his chest was a huge tattoo in script lettering.

KING DAVID!

OMG.        OK, so the most shocking thing were those seconds when I watched the shirt go up. Seeing the white band of his undies, peeking out above the elastic gray band of his pants, seeing that smooth brown skin as it went up, up, up. Finally, reading the tattoo. All I could think about was when Barry pulled up HIS shirt pretending to take it off, because I commented that I liked the color.

This happened about 7 minutes into the conversation. I guess when it comes to strange men, they can't help themselves.  Or is it me?

[BeeKeeper]

Oh nuts! Still getting all A's.   

Warning: Drama Queen Post:    Moaning Groaning Post (with no redeeming value)

Having a bit of strangeness this evening. Tried to concentrate on school assignments, but distracted by a sinking feeling. The fellow student who likes to spar with me, left a "helpful" post in response to a moot comment. I treated it with respect anyway, assuming a slightly submissive ingratiating stance. I didn't need to take the bait. Sorta disappointed in myself.

Although I thought it was hilarious at the time it happened, I began to think about this chest baring episode. Now I'm feeling uneasy. Not sure what to make of it. I keep thinking it happened so quickly, within 30 seconds, what if......I couldn't react to a real threat? It seems like it happened in slow motion. I guess it bothered me after all.

I'm not sure if it's me, or my brain, or my expectations or my non SSRI life, but everything seems to be a HUGE effort, I get this way sometimes, then it passes.

My body is attacking me in small ways. I don't wanna admit a bunch of things, but the primary one is autoimmune stuff. I already know I have blood markers for proteins which are affiliated with hearing loss. For the past decade, my body is ever so slowly telling me it's allergic to foods. I finally figured it out several years ago and drastically limited my diet. Now it's becoming a real trial. I get hives which last 10 days. Itchy, red, hot, painful, sleep interrupting, the whole shebang. More and more, every couple days, neck, arms, stomach, legs. Grrrrrrr.

This week, it's been chocolate. Solid or semi-solid, like frosting. Fortunately no custard, yet! Nor cakes or muffins. 
Last month it was mayonnaise and lime pie. I don't even KNOW enough swear words to express frustration, even if I could!

Roseanne Rosannadanna, says: "it's always something."

[Armee]

Congratulations on your hard-earned A's! As long as you know deep down your worth isn't dependent on your smarts then it's all good!

Omg what is it with you and men pulling their shirts off!?  and what a trip about King David! I like that you are so open to interactions with people.

I wonder if there's another way to view your response to the bait from your classmate that perhaps you were standing strong and defending your comment/posting in a way that would help him see and hear you; sometimes that requires us to shift how we engage to get others to be able to listen.

Bee, the hives sound miserable and like stress is getting in there and causing havoc. I think it was your advice to San...and me too....to let expectations on yourself go to make some time for yourself. I hope you can do that.