Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you for the reminder about hives, I forgot stress is also and element. It makes perfect sense too.

Could you write a little more about the engagement with my classmate? Not sure I "get" it.

Not a clue as to why this unsolicited nakedness keeps happening-maybe it's when I wear my hair in braids? Anyway, I appreciate your comment about being open to interactions because that is the crux of the matter. By the way, I asked him to guess my age and he came pretty darn close. He said 71, which is a little over, but within the range. I was impressed.

Deep down, I know my worth isn't dependent on smarts. It comes down to the same reason I used to do puzzles, and "challenge" myself before I really believed I didn't have early Alzheimer's. It's a way to keep me cognitively in shape, by forcing me to think in ways I normally don't. I had a breakthrough last night about current stuff, which is very triggering to me, and I believe this is the last history class "Ima gonna do! "  Amen!

[Armee]

Braids are pretty cute! Definite "come hither" vibe. 

I hope I didn't come across as dismissive of the underlying reasons for the hives. I didn't mean it in a "it's just stress" or "all in your head" kind of way. Just more that our immune system seems to get fired up in response to stress and then starts in on the allergy and autoimmune stuff.

The hives are real and not your fault and it sucks to see this growing list of things your body is now treating as an enemy. My heart and sympathy truly go out to you. My body decided cold temperatures are a foreign invader back when i was 15 and under traumatic stress. I've had a lifelong deadly anaphylactic allergy to cold temperatures since then. It's real, not in my head, can't be cured by reducing my stress now, but probably started in the first place from that traumatic stress. 

I guess it is a little hard to say more about the classmate issue not knowing more details and just conjecturing on my part.

But what I read from you made me think that he challenged something you said and you responded, but a bit more ingratiating and submissive than you would have preferred. You could have 1. not responded 2. Responded and held your position firmly and with confidence or 3. Responded and held your position but with the doubt and caveats and fawning we women sometimes feel we have to do to make our voice palatable.

Maybe it was something important that you wanted him to hear and get. If you didn't respond he wouldn't have a chance to hear that. Maybe by responding the way you did, you were trying to get him to hear your point and take it in and sometimes we have to change how we speak or write to get people to be receptive to hearing us. I wish that weren't true. But just because you were a bit submissive in your response doesn't mean you weren't being strong and assertive in a way.

This may still not make sense and I may just be completely misreading between the lines. You can ignore this all!

I had a breakthrough last night about current stuff, which is very triggering to me, and I believe this is the last history class "Ima gonna do! "  Amen!

Hugs to this Bee. Get lots of rest if this class is triggering, and if you need to, it's ok (right?) to drop it.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee for taking/making the time to write and explain. I've got it. The way forward is to not respond, I see that very clearly. That was an option I identified before I did it. And taking it even further, I can reduce these times by not posting certain things. It has nothing to do with being heard, per se, but more with old habits of shame.

I never interpreted your thoughts as "just" anything. But I can relate to the cold stuff. I have Raynaud's as well, and in bad times, my fingers and toes turn white during 80 degree weather.

This online class has changed the way I write, period. And so I'm spending more time bypassing casual comments, humor or strident opinion. Sometimes I have to wait days to let a reaction pass, before I can think objectively or post neutrally.  Last night, things clicked into place, which allowed me to finish an assignment this morning and believe I hit the target. Dropping the class is something I think about almost every day. I certainly can do that, or even disappear for a while. No repercussions financially or otherwise.

I appreciate your attention on my issues and problems. It helps to read your thoughts. 

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
I've appreciated you sharing your experiences on the online courses.  I also want to wish you the best with the one you're doing at the moment, as I can see it's got some challenging elements to it.  But you've completed that assignment this morning, and that's fantastic   I love the fact that you recognise all your choices in stuff, and know you can choose.  That's freeing.
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the good wishes Hope and the acknowledgement of choices. I am finding ways to get my points across in responses to other peoples' posts, and that is probably the best choice of all.

Sept 18

My chef came over to my table intentionally to greet me today. He's so sweet.

I saw my campus police guy today too, but it was short, because I made it that way. Feeling a little out of sorts, so wasn't feeling a social vibe today.

Yesterday I allowed myself a long period of rest and withdrawal from the world. I'm not even going to get upset with myself, but accept it as part of the way I cope when I don't realize consciously I'm burdened. Later I did realize what those burdens were.

During my chat with David yesterday I showed him my current "walking stick" (cane) which I'm using to close my car door now. My left shoulder is in bad shape and I'm doing things daily to lessen the stress I put on it. I launched into a totally unnecessary story of how I came to use canes in the first place, and although I put a humorous spin on it, Just talking about it was upsetting to the point of  There are some vague similarities to my worsening physical/mental condition since March 2020, and that settled right down into a dense feeling which I couldn't shake.

To liven things up, I changed my avatar in my Blackboard settings removing a shot of myself outside on a fateful day, August 8, when I visited the former fire site. I decided I didn't want to look at that anymore, and replaced it with a happy photo of myself and oldest granddaughter last year on my B day. We are different races. She's gorgeous and continues to be even more so every day! We follow each other on IG. I thought it was symbolic too because she is the only one, besides me, going to college and following a path at the moment.

I bought some serger thread to work on some cheap polyester I bought from WalMart. I looked up the cost of my favorite magnetic caps for the braids. I went grocery shopping, even though I didn't want to. As a consequence I ate a balanced dinner, not cereal and cookies.  The clean up remains on the counter from the past 3 days. 

In summary, I've pushed myself through school work, so I could stay home for the next 3 days. I don't want to go out for any reason. Just catch up on needle and threads.

[Armee]

The clean up remains on the counter from the past 3 days. 

Given how you've been feeling physically and emotionally I'm not buying the 

I'm gonna give you several thumbs up for letting the unimportant stuff wait. 

[Armee]

 

It feels heavy today?

[BeeKeeper]

September 22

An early afternoon appointment with my Nurse Practitioner subscriber will determine if and how I resume the SSRI. I've noticed a space & time between intention and preparation for desired goals/tasks and the actual execution date. Everybody experiences this. Maybe I didn't notice before but now that space is longer, and bigger. Still, I'm inching ahead by doing a portion of the intended goal, instead of the whole thing. That's working right now. The other issue about stopping or starting is noticeable short term memory absence.

Yesterday I got 5 inches cut off my hair. I never let it get long enough so it caught in my armpits, but this time, it did. That sensation was unacceptable. So now, its just below my shoulder, straightened and curled with my Conair brush/comb. More important than my hair status, is seeing my stylist again. We've been together 5 years.

A slightly pessimistic mood has lasted for 5 days now. It is not accompanied by paralysis, but rather resumption of normal activities. Today, I'll finish up my coursework, until the next unit drops on Monday. My professor and I have had contact via Zoom and e-mail this week; when he gets too busy, he neglects details which allow students to access our assignments on Blackboard. I was halfway successful on Day 1 but it took another day for me to get my point across completely and him to "find the problem." From that experience, I've now discovered how to handle future glitches with him. A plus.

I've attempted to normalize my contact with Barry. If I'm outside and I pass him in my vehicle, I will wave in response, but not initiate.  I haven't encountered him inside again, but if I do, even if I'm hearing, I'm going to not engage, except a minimal recognition. I decided my stance of inaccessibility only makes him try harder.

The current unit is on the Hellenistic period, philosophers and sculptors. It has been the best so far, and really caused me to think about issues, point by point. Thankfully, that faculty is still intact. I still experience raw fear when I'm first confronted with new things and it takes me 3-4 days to work through it.

Update: Will continue with a low, sub-clinical dose of my SSRI, once every 3 days.  All school work is done for the week, and now I can attend a Friday's Supreme Court Law review on Friday. It's  uplifting and inspiring. This is the second year I've done it, and live captioned besides.

To my readers: until I get a handle on my "pessimism", please don't comment or leave emoticons. Thank you for the understanding.

[BeeKeeper]

September 23

My prescriber suggested a product for SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) to maintain gains which I've experienced since being on the SSRI and said she recommends her patients start is in Sept-Oct before winter darkness becomes the norm.

On Amazon, itshttps://www.amazon.com/Verilux-HappyLight-Adjustable-Brightness-Controls/dp/B07J6PTZ3Y/ref=sr_1_3_sspa?crid=2V6OXGY0N9SGD&dchild=1&keywords=verilux+happy+light&qid=1632395214&sprefix=Verilux+ha%2Caps%2C195&sr=8-3-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyQUlVVFRPMVk3R09aJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMzAwNDU3MkdEWldaNUU1QzJYWCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjEwNDMwMzZDSjU5SjNPQllPRSZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

Yesterday before our video session, I made brief notes, and she got it exactly right in the electronic record. She's the only provider I have that still does that. Others just use a template and call it a day.

I came across this last night, and although it is yet another white guy giving advice, some of it may be useful. Chris Loper is the website founder. https://becomingbetter.org/

This next site may already be cited by Kizzie or someone here on the forum. I found this in the last couple days as well. Complex Trauma. org-founded by Joseph Spinazzola , Ph.D. the Foundation Trust in Massachusetts. A LOT of trauma recovery people are in MA! https://www.complextrauma.org/

One thought this AM: "The best way to change your thoughts and emotions is to change your actions." I'll give it a try and see-this comes from Loper I think, but needs testing out. 

[BeeKeeper]

September 24

Thursday, I resumed my SSRI, with the target of taking 10 mg every 3-4 days. I ordered a light from Amazon, a hinged model with 2 screens, different ways to stand up on a surface. If it lives up the hype, well, it's a cheap "fix."

My college's Wi-Fi network decided I was unauthorized yesterday, which caused me major problems. Today, I met with a new IT guy, and for now, connection is resolved, but cloud issues persist. Bummer! At least I now know the magic trick: A LONG press to bring up the password screen.

On a long walk I had enlightenment about the way ahead-regarding life, my place in the universe etc. The thought door opened after reading about lasting natural disasters as a kind of trauma. Intellectually, I knew that, but the impact hit my brain and heart  all at once. So, I'm treating it like a "transition" or come back after a life crisis-re-invention, re-imagining and re-everything. What I do, where I invest my time, how to disengage from current time investments, the whole 9 yards.

While we endure all the false advertising of the "back to"...activities (like the Good Morning America ad) it's crucial to think about where I'm headed. Is it going to be "back" or "forward" into new uncomfortable territory? Should I enlist guides? and if so, who? Authors are good, no need to worry about lip reading or masks. Internet relationships a bit more tricky. How much is too much, or too little?

I've been in a defensive, protective, pessimistic mood for a week now. I can see it starting to shift, but I'm not out of it completely yet.

[BeeKeeper]

September 25

Today I'm trying an alternate schedule; homework first, not last. Clean kitchen first, not last. So far, so good. Still feeling a gray blanket mood, but attempting to test whether actions DO influence emotions. Not yet, but maybe I need to practice more. Curiously, I found an article online about taking my SSRI every three days, and it's from a reputable journal, and the answer is yes, it does help to maintain. I say "curious" because I came up with the idea on my own. The problem is it takes 4 weeks of daily dosing to get that to that sufficient maintenance level.

Last night I had a lesser version of the "lost dream" this time it involved not some far away location, but one place, where 3 people were, and it was like a maze trying to find my way through. The ending this time was different too, because one of my "rescuers" appeared, albeit briefly. I can see things changing ever so slightly. That probably is due to the gigantic effort I'm making each day to observe and counter my irrational thoughts.

[BeeKeeper]

September 26

Inching closer to feeling more in control. I may be going through the first stages of integration, surprisingly through dreams. They are getting more and more lucid, and I've been able to say and think things in dreams which are very conscious. This is hopeful to me. I woke up at 3 AM, stayed up for an hour and worked through a (current) longstanding problem that was blocking all sorts of energy.

Even with the 3AM waking, I was not disturbed, because I decided when I went the without SSRI, I was going to sleep when I wanted to and not push myself into a 14 hour day. Consequently, I have "bite sized" rest periods, usually starting between 6 and 8 PM, and then again not too much later. Somehow this helps, and I can tell by my mood that something's working. This is the second day of my new 3rd day regimen going "back on" my itty bitty SSRI dose.

As the days as have gone on, I see and hear myself laughing at various things; a line from a movie, a phrase from a scholarly book, a post from a classmate, whatever. I"m on the lookout for irony and there seems to be plenty in places I'd never expect. Maybe it will carry over also into not taking myself so seriously. That would be the ultimate!

[BeeKeeper]

September 27

The bad news: I smashed my foot into the metal leg of the bed frame and broke something. Immediate pain off the scale. If I'm lucky, it's only one bone. If I'm not, then more. Osteoporosis helped this become a crisis. Elevation, ice and bruises up my foot tell a familiar story. I've done this before, but not with these details. My shoulders are killing me but cancelled all future rehab because I can't drive. Or get to the X ray machine for days.

The good news: I now live in a place where there's a "service coordinator" on site, and she is helping by lending me knee walker, unfortunately missing some parts. Still, can work around temporarily by using various saved leftover parts. I have 535 sq feet, formerly the pits, but now delightful!  There are helpful people in my building willing to take me to the x ray machine this week. I have a strong internet connection, food for 10 days,  enough SSRI for a couple weeks, my new Happy Light and I saved a cheap plastic seat for the shower.

Update:

After multiple icings, elevation virtually all day long, healing is starting to happen. I can "hobble" which is terrific progress. The bruising is getting darker, which means internally blood, tissues are starting to settle.  I was unsuccessful in replacing the missing parts with anything resembling a safe, solid fix. I asked for assistance from maintenance, and unbelievably he did a fantastic job. Not that I thought it was beyond his capabilities, but he tends to be brusque and stingy with interactions. I'm all set now, thanks to him. I'm starting to think maybe my life has not tanked after all,

[BeeKeeper]

September 28

The life giving mysterious powers that "Bee" are allowing me some healing! This morning, the primary focus is on my right foot, which looks worse with bruising, but feels better overall, and I can slowly, cautiously put weight on it and W-A-L-K. For that reason, I'm hopeful of taking myself to Urgent Care and will reserve my space at 8 AM. So, so, incredibly relieved.

Life is looking a bit brighter. My new therapy lamp is on and what a great device. It's output is on maximum, and I just turned it back on after 30 minutes. I've managed to take a shower, get dressed and put on one shoe.

Update:

Thanks to life in a civilized country, access to health care and the ability to qualify for services, I found out after a 2 hour effort, yes, Virginia, I DO have a bone fracture in my right foot. Not the toe itself but a bone that supports it further up the foot.

A fantastic group of ladies took care of me, from the intake desk person to the X ray tech, nurse and PA. Fitted with a nice new shoe with lengthy Velcro strips, a referral to an Ortho clinic only 15 miles away, life is looking better than it has been.

[BeeKeeper]

September 29

OK readers, I'm walking back the requested "no comment, no emoticon" from a while ago to ask for text only.  An explanation about "hugs," follows.

On a past Sunday, I posted something I called September blues. It was revisiting a combination of places, people and cats. And it took me to feelings which I hadn't endured for a while. A member posted a group hug and a short message confirming I felt heavy. Unexpectedly, those two things set me off and I deleted that post. What happened was this:

TRIGGER WARNING PHYSICAL ABUSE: One of the main tools my M employed was actual physical hugs, which were intrusive and actually, from my point of view, physical assault. That may be a bit strong, but consider being continually being hit with hands, wooden spoons, wooden yardsticks, bristle side of nylon hairbrushes, on bare skin,only bare skin,  over and over again. Hours later, this same person would come up and force their body against mine in an "affectionate" embrace. I'm sorry, no. I wasn't able to say or do the "no" so had to endure the hugs, and ever since then, my hugs are selective and reserved for "safe" people. So any hint of a hug is problematic. Even those silly emoticons. In fact, all emoticons seem to reveal a current anger now. Objectively emoticons are good shortcuts, but my baby boomer self has gone retro and prefers not to use them. On the plus side, a small victory, I was able to stop my M's assaults at age 16, with my bare hands, on her arms to prevent her follow through. She didn't hit me again.

I had an aunt who was the black sheep and continually made a mess of her life and others lives. She would say to me, in the midst of my crippling depressive times, "that bad, huh?"  Being minimized by clueless remarks grated against me. I perceived the confirmation of "feels heavy" remark as a variation of that bad, huh? * YES. that bad. But I know it was not intended that way, and I realize one of the risks of posting here is having these things happen.

I've managed to regain some balance, but then, disaster. I lost my balance and now messed up my life. Thankfully, it is not fatal, terminal and will "only" last a couple months, but the extra effort I have to take to do that seems a bit like wearing a 50 pound backpack on impaired shoulders.

So, enough with catching up on the preface.

I'm hoping the 10 mg of SSRI helps neutralize the anger I've felt since last night. I've gotten quite a boost from other posts here today, specifically JamesG1, Papa Coco, Pippi and stilltrying. If you haven't already read the guest blogger post by Papa Coca which Kizzie left in the intro boxed portion of the site, it's worth your time. It's like a cPTSD primer 101 for those unacquainted and just makes me feel warm and fuzzy that others are boldly telling the story.

I did something I regret last week, which is to lend two beaded objects to my professor in order to talk about Greek math and geometry. I asked beforehand and he seemed enthusiastic. I left them in a box inside a padded bag on his doorknob a week ago. The bag was no longer there, and I am assuming they are in his possession, but not certain. Instead of going on and on about all the various thoughts, I've already devised a neutral way to reclaim, and now being unable to get them in person, it all feels within acceptable solutions. Even if I have to take a loss, and they are never returned, I accepted that possibility when I sent them into the world. However, regarding life, (JamesG1 says) we are creating new, not returning to the old.

He obviously did not respond whatsoever. I recognize this person is filling a role I've created, and one which unfortunately I used many years ago, without total resolution. I don't want to say any more than that, but I know I have to deal head on with reality. I've done most other relational work, except this holdout. You could even switch people and it wouldn't make any difference. It's the function that's the problem.