Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[rainydiary]

Bee, I appreciate your reflection about this and providing your readers with information about what may be supportive.  I have been keeping up with your journal and appreciate the updates you've been sharing.

[sanmagic7]

bee, thank you so much for the explanation about what is ok and what is not to receive on this forum.  i can see how a hug could be maybe even re-traumatizing for you.  what an awful thing to have to endure something that could otherwise be so comforting, caring, and just a feel-good action.  if sending love your way is too much, please let me know.  otherwise, i would like to send some as a caring gesture. you deserve care.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you  rainy and san.  It felt risky typing those explanations, and wasn't ready before now, but glad I did. I hate to leave things hanging.
I'm open to having love sent my way san. I appreciate it and feel it is comforting.

Update:

I've done it. I've withdrawn from my course (for now) and received an explanation about lack of receipt. (out of town) Since I've already thought about my solution, easy-peasy to implement. Hello BRAIN! Patting on back and cheering for myself.

Again, if you haven't done so, please look at https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers

[rainydiary]

Bee, what you say resonates with me.  It is difficult and risky to put some things out there.  For me it is often difficult because I was socialized to "fit in" and "make nice" and any boundaries I tried to set were often not received well.  Things that others may feel are easy or take for granted aren't that way for me. We are allowed to take up space.  I hope you continue to find what feels supportive to you. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

Yes, difficult and risky, and you never know how it will be received. Even if you're "right", "healthy" warranted in your boundaries or whatever, there's going to be someone, somewhere who receives it the wrong way. This especially applies to your work situation, which I've been reading about. After enduring a lifetime of invalidation from family, then to go out into employment and other situations attempting to say, I'm important, yes, this matters is anxiety provoking and difficult.

When I received a specialized phone as an accommodation to use at work, my boss outright mocked me and said it looked like a Mickey Mouse phone. Naturally, I had to laugh and agree. These things erode our sense of self and chip away at our core. I haven't been tracking your time, but it's probably not that long until the end. Thanks for mentioning that part which held me back.

September 30!?!

We've already passed the autumn equinox 7 days. Crisp weather is here. A flurry of e-mails yesterday to withdraw and to get temporary assistance from college. The unique thing about this place is that there's a big initiative to take care of students. Maybe because it's part of a state university network, not sure. I qualified for a bag of canned/boxed food and my disability coordinator is bringing it by this afternoon. My beads are safe indefinitely until I am well enough to retrieve them. All those pre-existing relationships now come in handy. People are willing to accommodate me.

Looks like I am deconstructing a earring I tried to make weeks ago. When confronted with new patterns, I struggle. It's too far off the mark to continue and last night, decided to order a bunch of magnetic end caps to continue making "auto-pilot" braids. Much easier.

My brain hasn't engaged 100% with my new reality yet, since I iced my foot yesterday without a sock on. I couldn't figure out why it was SO painful, yet 5 hours later, uh-hunh.  I forgave myself and vowed to establish some kind of routine. As is, my bed is "command center" and now I have to think about every little journey from point A to point B. Not surprisingly I had dreams about school, which fit right in with withdrawal. I've been thinking a lot about my successful college days late 80's to early 90's where I was an adult student "mascot" having close supportive kind relationships with staff, getting oodles of money from grants and scholarships and in general, aside from the grueling academics, having the safest time in my life. No outside drama, besides child-rearing of course, and 3.98 grade average. Ah nostalgia, hard to beat for warm and fuzzies. I saved some non-scientific work for decades and I still have some photo submissions. My eyes eventually gave way with various things which prevented me from pursuing my first choice.

Speaking of bodies: small observational rant- using a knee scooter is not at all "fun" for a person with fibro. In fact, as the PA was pressing on my entire leg, starting from my knee on Tuesday, the bone immediately adjacent felt painful and tender. I winced. Hmmm, what's that? Well it took about 24 hours for me to figure out, Oh, yeah, since I'm putting my full weight on my right knee, shin, etc. of course it's gonna feel like that. My scoliosis pain is tripled, everything is out of alignment. I noticed all these kinds of things 13 years ago,when it was my left foot that was messed up. In summary, very, very determined to keep elevating, icing (with my freaking sock) and making as few hobbling trips as possible. My recovery time should be shortened, as well as whatever residual scar tissue forming life long.

Overall the anger has dissipated, and I'm feeling on the edge of happy/hopeful. Going to another other appointment today so there will be an update later. I thank my readers for their patience and compassion with my various complaints. I know this is small potatoes in the realm of everything.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee,

one thing i've learned from others here is that there are no 'small potatoes'.  every potato is valid, significant, and worth paying attention to. after all, they are parts of our big picture.  the struggles you're having because of your foot deserve attention, and i thank you for sharing them so that i can at least send support, caring, and love.  if you like flowers, i'd also like to send you a 'feel better soon' bouquet of daisies, yellow asters, and golden mums, just to bring a little sunshine to your day.  if none of those agree with you, then a bouquet of your choice.  enjoy! 

[Bach]

Hi, Bee.  I too very much appreciated your explanation about the hugs, and as a child who received almost no physical contact that wasn’t in some way abusive or manipulative, I can very well understand your perspective.  At this point in my life, I love real-life hugs when they’re mutually comfortable and wanted, and coming from someone I trust, but I can identify with hugs not being safe.  Hugs are complicated.  They’re so intimate, so good when they’re right, so psyche-shattering when they’re not.  In fact, I suppose I like the hug emoticons because to me they’ve come to represent the sentiment inherent in a loving, mutually wanted, non-abusive hug, and because something that always feels extremely dangerous to me is verbally expressing  feelings, especially towards others, especially in writing.  So I tend to use hug emoticons, as you say, as a short cut, to stand in for “I’m here, I care, I have thoughts and feelings about what you’re saying” when I cannot muster the energy it takes find words that feel safe.  It doesn’t always feel safe to offer even an emoticon, which is why I respond so infrequently in general.  Anyway, not meaning to make this about me, just wanted you to know that I’m here and I care and I’m reading, and that I’m sorry if I’ve ever caused you distress with an ill-timed hug. *insert feeling of caring and support here in lieu of emoticons*

[woodsgnome]

When I started hanging out on OOTS, I share the sentiment that hugs, even emoticons, were more than a bit edgy for me. This stems as well from a background of all touch being problematic to destructive in my early years. I was of the opinion that if I couldn't verbalize it adequately, I couldn't add any oomph just by a symbol.

Over time, I've come to see that while physical hugs in person are still extremely awkward to me, when writing it can be useful to add a token of appreciation and support for the other person. It still felt uncomfortable, a bit, but on the other hand I knew how even a little boost to someone's day might be appropriate. So I altered this somewhat.

Physical hugs might cause me to disappear or back off, which surprises many but keeps my safety zone intact. Online, that approach can vary, unless someone speaks up about it, as you have, Beekeeper/BeHeal1hy. For me, I admire and respect your honesty in making your overall discomfort known. Thank you.

Just one question -- are there any other emoticons that bother you in the same way? Just throw any into the mix, and (speaking only for myself) will seek to not include those in any future ruminations. 

[BeeKeeper]

I never imagined that people would truly care, so I'm a bit surprised by the responses. Not a problem, everything is clear and said well.

sanmagic-yes bouquets are nicer than hugs-less personal, and beautiful too. I'll take whatever you like. Thank you.

bach: I totally understand the emoticon shortcut for "I can't muster the energy of words." Since I am attuned to using written words as an adaptation for other spoken avenues, now closed to me, I don't forget per se, but I guess it's on the opposite side of my experience. That point is good for me to remember, and one which I'm going to think about more. Up until Sunday the 19th, no emoticon hug ever bothered me. I guess it was the combination of hug, comment along with my negative state of mind that allowed that to bloom into a reaction. Love your last sentence, very cute and appreciated.

woodsgnome: you and I share the same thoughts about verbalizing it adequately. And I agree when I'm feeling happy, cheerful and all that, I too have used them. Just look back (not really!) and see my posts peppered with them. I guess this opened a bit of Pandora's box, and has brought  what we all assumed about emoticons and each other out in the open. I never dreamed it would result in this, but glad it did anyway. I'm good with everything but hugs. Also I appreciate you all caring, san, bach, woodsgnome , rainy, as well as those who just read.  Caring is the subject of my next paragraph.

So, met my T this AM and revealed an experience with a resident who treated me in the early days of my misdiagnoses. I related that, in specific ways to recent relationship dysfunction which is still ongoing. She pointed out that my initial reactions to normal caring, were so foreign and strange to me, I had very few ways of understanding it. Since I walk around thinking I am undeserving, of even courtesy and kindness that when someone reaches out and shares this with me, I freak out! She suggested that I reframe to see that my freak out is a temporary state of disbelief of my worth, that I put all reactions on hold, and wait until the feeling subsides, then come into a neutral clearing to assess whether this is authentic, trustworthy, etc. She likened my reaction to a bump in the road, which has the power to throw me off balance temporarily. Hmmmmm. So, wow. I thought I was way "beyond" all that, but it turns out to be alive and well. I'm not discouraged though, because it makes sense to me in the context of everything I'm thinking and reading. I'm daring to believe that people will treat me well on general principles.

I met with a very cheerful, kind Physician's Assistant today who set me straight on all my recovery plans. Turns out I like his better anyway. Elevation is no longer required, my fracture is "stable" and I have a $165 boot for free. Remember all those times I said I couldn't leave this area because all my medical care was covered? Case in point. Experiencing that fogginess today with short term memory, but noticed a long green bug on the outside of the brick building exterior. I took a little photo, and even showed it to the PA- which started a bug conversation. It's so pleasant to have people who are socially intelligent. Maybe it's the suburbs, maybe it's me, but my interactions have gone much better lately.

[sanmagic7]

happy to hear you've experienced some better interactions lately.  i hope that feels good for you.  keep taking care of you, ok?  it sounds like you found a medic who wants to take care of you, too, which is very nice.  sending love filled with healing vibes for your fracture.

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
I have been reading, and I care.  I am glad that you wrote about how emoticons affect you.  I always use the smiley face emoticon after my name, when I sign off, and it affects me - as it feels like a bit of an obsessional thing, and it sometimes feels incongruous to how I'm actually feeling - and regarding hugs, I have various feelings about them, which are also incongruous - it's as if different parts of myself feel different ways about it.  What I can see, and hear from what people have said in response to what you said, is that it's a complicated arena, and treading carefully doesn't necessarily help it.  But bearing it in mind, that does help.  I have no idea if what I just said makes sense.  I relate to what Bach said, about emoticons enabling something to be expressed, that maybe words can't muster up.  Anyway, just wanted to say something. 

I like the sound of your bug conversation. 

Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for your thoughts Hope! It all makes sense to me and it's more validation and that truly helps. I've often wondered about your smiley face, so now I know. I posted the bug pic on Instagram and it was a HUGE hit, 5 likes! ...one is a guy in Scotland, an author and hill trekker, somehow we bonded and he loves my outside stuff.

October 1

Heck! Another month gone by? I'm sitting here in front of my light therapy lamp, and I love, love, love it. I no longer even set the timer for 30 minutes, since I always turn it back on afterward. It took my nurse provider to get me off the fence, as I'd been skeptical for years! Now that I'm a convert, I'll probably be insufferable about the joys of it. There are no better people to carry the message then the reformed.

Today, or soon, I expect my class withdrawal to result in the usual inaccessibility to Blackboard. I'll no longer be able to read classmate posts. To that end, I went in last night, and read the previous week's which unfathomably is still up. He's been inflexible about pulling all content once the unit closes. He's also failed to grade the last 4 posts I've made. It really doesn't matter, since he's told me verbally how he feels about my posts, so the numbers are fluffy feel good, but still, the hours spent!!! Anyway, I digressed. I read a post from a young man who talked about his being a combination of epicurean, stoic or skeptic. The first term refers generally to the adage, eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die. (This is a Greek, not solely Biblical concept) So, this kid wrote as much as I normally do, three times the required 250 words and it blew me away. Not only in the content but the vulnerability and his courage to let himself be known. It rivaled a OOTS forum post without the trauma details. Now I kinda regret withdrawal, but at least I saw it. Very, very touching and stands out as the best in years of course participation.

I liken the hyperactivity of thoughts to....."bees buzzing in my head!" And this is a longstanding metaphor, prior to Kizzie assigning my name here. I feel the hive is on the periphery, but hopefully will come up with a smokin' strategy because it's all about the LEAST amount of trips I make within my space. On day 6, my foot is looking really good, (bruising faint, toes taped, sock and shoe on, no pain) and I want that to be true 4, 8 and 12 hours from now. Feeling back to my former self.

Update:
I've managed to hold the line on my walking to and fro. My foot looks and feels the same as it did this morning. I've spend  time "chilling" in bed, but not a lot. I "did" my hair, as I watched the first episode of Grey's Anatomy. I treated myself to a new Paramount + monthly subscription to watch a show popular with old guys. Seeing familiar faces seemed to be the ticket today. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling better than I have. Perhaps it's the removal of all my striving, I just am going to take it slow and easy. Maybe it's the drawn out dosing, maybe it's the shorter days. Maybe I'm just getting better through all these recovery ideas seeping down through the "second layer of brain cells."

[BeeKeeper]

October 2

Whew, survived another night of semi-lucid dreaming, which in reality, I welcome. Old locations, new actors. I see it all for what it is, not too bad, and in one case, I took control. It's about darkness, the physical kind with no light. In my dream, I hear (HEAR!) multiple males standing around a door, getting ready to enter my house. I"m outside chasing my dog. So, I picked up a handful of pebbles from the ground, and flung it in the general direction of the voices, multiple times. And after the 3rd time, I couldn't hear anything, so I felt my way to the door and entered. It was still risky because I didn't know whether they were hiding inside. Turns out they weren't. Could this have anything to do with reading about a Helen Keller special on pbs/americanmasters? Yes, I think it might. I often think about what I would do if I lost more of my vision. No more beading or reading. GAH! So, each day I have my vision, I'm so very happy and grateful (although my posts don't reflect that)

I'm on FB for beading purposes, but only connecting to actual/real  "close friends" or relatives. On it possibly once a month, if that. One of the latter, a cousin, is a photographer, and we've met a couple times in the past 5 years. I didn't know him until late in life. Anyway, he is a partner in a gallery with others, and recently had a show. I took my sister, we both signed the guestbook, but I left no e-mail or phone. He reached out twice now to encourage more contact. So, I'm going to write him a note and see what happens. Kind of hopeful.

Yesterday I learned a little lesson and it was reinforced when I typed a reply to a post about compulsive shopping, My T asked me to tolerate feelings which caused me to pull out my hair. Just sit with it for a moment. Ooooooo I hated her for saying that, thinking she was totally clueless. If I could tolerate it I would!!!! Nope, that was just a defense. Anyway, I am doing better on the hair, reverted to a new strategy which is just feeling it, without concluding by pulling. The straighter it is, the better this works. One reason why I still use my hot comb.

Since my reduced walking, I noticed there are all kinds of things I now want to DO. Some require movement, some not. Most of it falls into "wanna or gonna." All of a sudden light flash. OMG, it's the same darn thing. The sneaky, sneaky feeling of striving, accomplishing, living my best productive life, pushing, pushing, pushing. Sure, I follow through sometimes, but more often I don't. And the don't part falls into all the steps I know I have take to arrive at the execution.

For instance: I wanna finish and hang my creamy yellow soft curtain panels. First off, finish serging the edges, then, fill the iron with water, measure and mark a side seam, use my Viking to sew an edge seam, measure and mark a casement, use my Viking to seam a top seam, ditto the bottom. Find curtain weights or order them. Insert and hand sew the remainder. Get out a stepped stool, climb up, insert 4 sections onto rod, adjust tension, push into place. So hello! I'm still on the first step. (Insert blah, blah, blah emoticon here)

This happens with nearly everything. I need to use my "cane" otherwise known as a very priced Leki walking stick, many years old. It has adjustable rotating plastic parts for changing the height. I've been using it in the car for pulling the door closed. Now I need it for balance. I have two notebooks in which I save user manuals, a fast perusal of both showed nothing, Instructions to that old style are not on the web. Dang it all. So one more notebook to look through, then struggling with trial and error. Through all this I need to tolerate my feelings of anxiety and fear.

So that's it on this subject. When I see something I want to make or do, I am practicing stepping back and assessing the actual follow through on the basis of similar things in reality. It can wait, I can say, well, no one is harmed or gonna die if I don't make or do this, so really, just focus on all those little things right under my nose, which I can do right at this moment, which will make a difference.

[BeeKeeper]

October 3

I'll keep this short so I don't get a reprimand for flooding the forum. Writing about those curtains spurred me to action and two panels are up (basting only) In other news, I didn't realize how much of a heavy ball and chain the coursework was to me, until I'm not doing it. My entire mood has changed, and I feel the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter every day. Good stuff.

[sanmagic7]

funny how that works sometimes, not knowing what a burden we've been carrying until we unload it.  actually, i'm glad you realized that for yourself, bee.  keep up the good work.  sending love and a bouquet of bluebells and white baby's breath.