Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee,

this is your journal so ranting on anything you find relevant is encouraged.  whatever is messing with your life, no matter what, is totally appropriate to write about.  i personally think getting so of that stuff out here can be a release of pent-up frustration, which is a good thing, no?  please, keep writing whatever bothers you.  like i said, i thought your idea of bookmarking some of those pages was a good idea, and i wouldn't have gotten it if not for you writing it down.  so, thanks again.

your banana bread sounds delicious, and what a clever idea to bake in shallow pans.  well done, you. 

[BeeKeeper]

san, Agreed! Journals are for ranting. Bookmarking, uh huh, definitely for me, and depending on your browser, some are easy to configure, some not. The absolute silver lining is now I have to intentionally decide what deserves a bookmark and what can fall by the wayside. I'm letting at least 1/3 to 1/2 go.

The shallow pans were quite the eureka moment. I bought one at a thrift and the other brand new, cause it had a plastic cover. Little did I know they were both the same size.  I feel great eating small pieces of a 1+ inch cake, vs a slice of bread 5 inches high. (rationalization plus!)

[BeeKeeper]

October 10

As some of you might know, I've struggled a bit this year, re-entering the forum in late May. After being away for a couple years, I came back after my second surgery and a tumultuous class at college. These were pandemic times after all, and I mistakenly thought my resilience had reached a low ebb. That was true, but more so, I didn't full appreciate I was in a depressive episode which was cautiously treated with tiny doses of an SSRI. My prescriber allowed me full reign to find the right dose, blessing my efforts to withdraw and also to resume. In the past couple of weeks, I've changed my mind about "needing" it and how I can go forward with it, with acceptance.

Looking back from March 2020, I coped quite "well" with chronic anxiety and devised daily ways to soothe myself, even if it was on Twitter. That lasted until January 18, a full 9 months. Then my beloved surgeon had a date with me, and her scalpel. That's when I "fell" again into that hole in the middle of the metaphorical street.

WARNING OF SURGICAL DETAILS Not for the squeamish.
The surgery is called MOHS and involves a skilled person taking small conical pieces of the target area, confirmed beforehand by a biopsy result. Basal cell was my result, after 2 years of growth from a benign status. The area is marked with a felt pen, and the first pass begins. A layer comes off and is taken to another room, frozen and put under a microscope. The patient waits, could be up to 45 minutes. If the cell sample shows cancer cells on the margins (edges), then the process is repeated. For each successive pass, the surgeon goes a bit wider and deeper. I had three passes and at the end, it was down to the bone. There's a fascia between the bone and the last layer, so it was indeed close.

Being trained in surgical photography, I had a great interest in preserving the "evidence" and asked the assistant to take photos on my phone. He did. (Bless his heart!) Then came the wound closure which I dreaded more than the excavation. If there is enough surrounding skin with sufficient elasticity, then all is well. If not, a skin graft must be taken from another part of the body with the similar attributes, color hairlessness, etc. For the nose, normally it's taken from behind the ears! I did not want that due to prior pain with the implant experience. Fortunately for me, I didn't have to have a skin graft, but the tension from pulling the skin on both sides of the nose was at the maximum. Several layers of stitching were performed, the surgery was complete. END OF SURGICAL DETAILS

Pain has been a fairly constant companion, sometimes crashing into my life, sometimes just hanging out at the periphery. The point is that it's come crashing back. Nerves on the surface of the face are numerous and they regenerate at variable speeds. The MOHS on my lip required 3 years. The MOHS on my forehead 5 years. My nose is an upstart with quicker healing, which means intense pain which interferes with wearing glasses, that sit close to the incision. Masks sit right on the incision. I've leave that there.

When surgery is required on my face is, I naturally want sympathy and comfort, people who normally would care, to care. I don't have that. Never did. So it's a long path of stoicism and at times I stumble and fall. The pain has come back to tell me my nerves are growing again, but that means holding my glasses above my nose while I watch things-obviously that doesn't work if I'm typing. This morning, the whole nose surgery came back to memory with more vividness than usual. Not an EF, but explains my taking such a pass on life for the prior 9 months. I've missed my "normal" self, watched as I've slipped away, and rejoiced at those times when I seemed to return. I can feel a small, steady life force seeping back into my brain. a welcome feeling indeed.

The caution for me is not to rush it, push it, "enable it" by reading more (!), doing more or affirming more. Just do it like the Beatles. Let it be.

[sanmagic7]

wow, bee, that's a lot of surgery.  i also had MOHS done nearly 5 yrs. ago.  it's quite the procedure.  i decided against having it stitched up because it was on my scalp and my hair would cover the area.  so far, no relapses.  empathizing with you on all this, especially about pain being a constant companion.  i've just learned to live with it, but i don't necessarily have to go thru recurring attacks on my skin like you've reported.  ugh!  i do feel for you, my dear.

sending you love and a bouquet of blue salvia, which i looked up - it means thinking of you.  i just want you to know that i care.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you san, I like the love expressed by blue salvia, one of my faves. Scalp pain~ argh! but good catch by you and your surgeon!

I was surprised to find an email waiting for me from my former prof. Turns out he held onto my beads and was asking if it was OK to hand them off on Tuesday. That threw me momentarily, since I'd "let him go" already. Even so, I regained composure quickly and replied in a way that felt good.

Having the most normal day I've had in recent memory, finding huge comfort in today, just being and not doing.

[BeeKeeper]

Greetings and Happy Monday!

October 11

Day 2 of feeling excellent-may ti continue. I've eliminated a bunch of procrastination projects that have been hanging out for 3 months or more.

1. hand sewed a seam on my insulated window/light blocking inserts with a curved needle no less!
2. finished off both ends of my turquoise braid (that's the tedious part)
3. mended a little nick in a new item when cutting off the tags
4. ate breakfast and cleaned up
5. wrote a letter to a long time friend
6. forced myself to find a needle on my hands and knees which had fallen on the floor
7. called the store which issued my vaccination to change my phone, could not register for my "PASS" without it.
8. learned how to change colors in the Google calendar for "tasks", more options than "events"

Last night I dreamed about san's journal entry! That tells me I should confine reading to the morning hours. Hit a sticky point in the dream and woke up. Even so, was able to fall asleep again quickly. My number 1 strategy is to focus on the here and now safety I experience vs the feelings which swirl around memories. It takes practice though; consistent, steady, daily and nightly.

[Blueberry]

Yay BeeKeeper for a second day of feeling excellent and for getting so much accomplished.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Not Alone]

  Hugs and care for the pain and added complication of glasses and mask landing on area of surgery.

for taking care of procrastination projects.

[Armee]

Even small amounts of pain is utterly exhausting and distracting and all I can imagine is that you must be super woman to keep making it through everything. I can sense a tiny bit of how hard these months must have been but of course can't really put myself in your shoes and truly comprehend. I do wish that the current cycle of pain subsides soon and that the care you get here and from the acquaintances in your day to day life help to fill the gap left by those who should care more.

[BeeKeeper]

Blueberry thanks for the cheer on my second day of wonderfulness! FYI: in reading your journal, I'm impressed by your pursuit of connection, and also by your boundary with your neighbor in refusing to accept his "gift." I totally agree.

san thank you for your continued support and encouragement.

notalone thank you for the hug and sympathy about the post surgical pain, and for cheering me on in the procrastination busting accomplishments

Armeee thank you for the recognition of how pain drains from my life force. Aw shucks, I'd so like to be super woman, but can't find the darn cape and won't "leave home without it." My foot is now showing signs of slight, temporary weight bearing abilities, so going out and getting a little gap filled today.

October 12                                             * OPJ (other people's journals) 

Today's realizations: As I am able to tolerate the distress of memories, more and more are popping up. Now it is mostly caused by a scene from a movie/show, a little innocuous reference I make while responding to OPJ, instead of the old way, which was ruminating in bed at night and causing hyperventilation. I've done quite a bit of modifying my posts lately, so if you read something that I later removed, yeah, your brain was right. Bottom line, I am setting a new limit for myself; no more reading OOTS forum posts past 1:00 PM. This gives me a chance to process well before dream time.

My balanced life continues, with definite signs I'm on the mend. Even with a slight headache, no biggie. Changes in my ability to see humor, feelings of generosity and actions to break procrastination are the fruits of my "better" life.

[BeeKeeper]

October 13

Over the weekend I read a chapter on the way Christianity took hold in early Roman society. For those interested, that information is found on academic open source sites.  "Fascinating, just FASCINATING!" (Imagine a Tweety and Sylvester cartoon in which the latter says, with a lisp and saliva spewing out.)  My point is not to discuss religion, but to highlight an action I took Saturday.

The author teaches at Boston University. I sent him "fan mail" even identified it as such in the first paragraph; included compliments about his writing, and a bit of my reactions of surprise.  I often laugh or grin when I read his opinions or comments sprinkled in and credited him with encouraging my new found interest in early history.

For the past 4 years, I've started to write to various people who would not ordinarily be in my orbit, just to say how much their work impacted me. I get responses more often than not! Last night I got his, which was just as good as all the things I enjoy about him. He called me by my first name, followed by a parenthetical phrase, "If I may"  Silly and sweet. He told me how the book came to be and that my mail was a day-brightener and spread sunshine. Wow! Most people wrote him angry mails about his comments and opinions and many in academia would hassle him about not being included on his "suggested reading" list. I enjoyed it immensely.

Several days ago while trolling through old bookmarks I landed on a friend's page. We were in band together in junior high and high school. She's now an accomplished "crafts person" in her chosen field. Very smart and very nice, still! So I looked at a recent post, made some comments about her work, my new serger and some common thread we like. She responded immediately and gave me a tip. Yikes! This builds my confidence up and allows me to nurture my every day self which I'm determined to reclaim piece by piece.

[sanmagic7]

congrats on your continued ability to reach out and having that be so rewarding for you.  very cool, bee.

[Armee]

That's awesome! You made his day!

I love that you are reaching out to people like that. Somehow once a bunch of groups found my work contact information and started sending postcards of support for women in my field to me thanking me, and those random cards just made my year(s) and are still plastered to my workspace (the one I haven't been to since march 2020).

I love those things that brighten the lives of giver and receiver.

[owl25]

BeeKeeper, it sounds so much fun to be contacting people in the way that you have, and having such positive reactions back from them! Somehow this feels really inspiring, and a part of me wants to try this out down the road, even though right now I don't have any specific persons in mind. Filing this one away though, it feels like this is a big part of joy in life