Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Hi CatcusFlower,

I see you also made a small step yesterday with washing your bedding!  That's a toughie for me, because the tear down and re-make seem so exhausting. Nothing beats it though.

June 16

I hung up a lined valance which was harvested from a thrift shop. Originally, I was going to make permanent rigid cornices for both my windows, to increase heat efficiency. After 2 years of nothing but planning, I finally accepted I won't make them. I'm pleased with it because it's made of heavy upholstery fabric and lined with heavy cotton. The sun blocking properties will be excellent.

During 6 months of "the early days" of 2020, I joined Twitter to get some scientific news before it hit the media cycle. I left after 6 months. There I was inexplicably followed by a strategist and author from Sweden. I reached out and we engaged in a limited personal e-mail exchange in which I'd ask questions and he's answer. Last month, I asked him for an update after 6 months of silence and he responded enthusiastically; directed me to a new book in progress on Medium and off we go! What I like about him is that he takes writings from "old masters" and integrates and interprets them into modern thought. Lao Tze is prominent is his new book about leadership.

I finished my happy Madri Gras colorful earrings (turquoise and orange accents) and will wear them today with my sole turquoise check shirt when my serger lesson happens this morning. I'm thrilled to find this cozy little shop closeby. Each day I seem to move one or two inches towards more "normality" in feeling like my optimistic self. Surely a slow journey. This morning on IG my D posted a disappearing story about her latest conspiracy theory. I found myself having a brand new thought.....gratitude for learning the depth of her convictions and the opportunity to accept that, regardless of how it impacts me personally. The bottom line is also surprising; my health takes precedence over any family ties and this is a shocker for me. In the past, I would have "died" for any of them, but now I want to do as much as I can to stay alive and functional.  Old dogs can learn new tricks!

[Armadillo]

Yay!!!! I can't wait to hear about your serger lessons and your outfit sounds perfect for the occasion.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the enthusiasm Armadillo!

June 17

A small mistake yesterday led to some unexpected consequences. Neglecting to take my SSRI because of divided attention between a Zoom therapy session, then sewing appointment caused a crash early afternoon.  It took several hours to figure out what happened. Then the fun continued with screwed up sleep cycle, late awakening,  OK, OK, I got the message!

My adventurous spirit held up well until 2019. Since then, decision making, risk taking, advocating for myself has been an arduous struggle. Even when the outside world is OK, when I jump into the deep end of any long term endeavor, I take my time to finish. Although I've dreamed about actually using and feeling comfortable with a serger for YEARS, it was 6 months between purchase and use!

My mentor was ready, willing and able; no nonsense with a calming demeanor. I excused myself before starting because I thought I was going to faint! It turned out to be very manageable, I took notes, and brought my new 4 cones of multi colored thread with me. The machine was successfully threaded, tension preset exquisitely and worked flawlessly. Hello! The only downside is I learned what the seller meant by an offhand comment as I was leaving the shop. It has one function only, overlock. No coverstitch, additional functions, Nothing. OK. I can certainly find ways to use it, and don't regret buying it but will keep my eyes peeled for basic models which do more. Maybe in a year or so. This definitely forces me to get to know her, inside and out.

The stunning and shocking part of this experience was a gift from my mentor-totally free, previously unopened: 3 resources. Sewing with Nancy (Zieman) and Pam Mahshie Ultimate Serger Techniques Workbook. Comb bound to accommodate samples. PLUS 2 DVDs Serger Workshop and Ultimate Serger Techniques Workshop which are captioned! When you die and go to heaven, it takes a while to return to earth. 

To make it sweeter, I didn't have to pay per hour or per session, met some fine inspiring women in a group sew and came away with more great fabric and needles. One is a very colorful pattern of bright oranges layered on a high thread count cotton. there are sprigs of dark green leaves with one white blossom. For accents, I have two green leaf patterns; one matches the darkest green of the orange leaves and one is a more shimmering variegated batik feeling with curling, scrolling leaves.

My default setting in stores is to think of other people, would they like this or that? The constant focus on others prevents me from feeling and caring for myself. It's not wrong to share talents or make gifts but to do that exclusively is unbalanced. It's hard to recognize that other focus filter on thinking and decisions, but I'm happy with learning to see it instead of mindlessly incorporating it into my "normal."

The overwhelming potential of my new skills, machine, book, DVD and fabric has caused a small clump of fear? measuring up? questioning my stamina? All I know is I have to chip away and do small things to integrate everything from yesterday to my present life. Success is disorienting. 

[BeeKeeper]

June 18

I have recovered my equilibrium.

My day was spent at home "digging out" and cleaning up-very productive in spite of the slow, delayed start. My sewing, ironing and beading surface is upgraded with 3 layers of apricot cotton. A vintage embroidered piece covers 2 organizers nearby. My Rowenta iron is now across the room, and a Kaffe Fassett bright green succulent pattern is now on top of a cabinet "shrine" that displays ornaments, a beaded box and a framed card from a loved one. A sewing collaborative will accept some of my unused bead materials, and that makes me very happy. I'm feeling my confidence grow with each small change.

Six years ago, I made casement curtains from cream fabric for a specific window. I cut them down 4 years ago and used them next to a metal window frame which left gray residue on the inside bottom hem. After scrubbing and soaking, the stain was reduced by 75% but still visible. Now I'll cut that off and line a new valance. Incessantly watching old TV is loosening up and despite finding M.A.S.H. and a Damien Lewis 2007 series, it's now on a back burner. Additional evidence of a shift in attitude.

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
I love the sound of apricot cotton, it sounds lovely.  I'm happy that you're feeling your confidence grow with each small change and that's heartening to hear.  Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Armadillo]

The environment you've made for yourself sounds really beautiful and cozy. 

I think you did a great job noticing something was up and realizing you forgot the SSRI and not letting it spiral. 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Hope and Armadillo, let's have a virtual cup of tea in my new space! Hugs gratefully accepted. That apricot cotton is a sheet which has had many lives with me. No more big spirals...but maybe tiny ones.

BIG NEWS.....ANNOUNCING MY GOAL IS ACCOMPLISHED!

Stuffed in my mailbox was a large envelope with an attorney's return address. My heart started to flutter. Could it be?

YES! It could and it IS.  I have been removed as my sibling's executrix-as of Wednesday, June 16. Wow, one more notch in the DONE column. Nothing more to fear. This change has taken me 2 years. Relief, sanity, safety, boundaries. 

PLUS: sitting in my bedroom is an inexpensive  padded "ottoman" bench, fairly clean upholstery, (including legs!) which matches the chair I picked up about 3 years ago from the same place. A month ago, I saw a new one in TJMaxx, triple the price. I've been looking at frugal ways to start exercising again, since the floor is a bummer. It's longer than other benches, perfect height and now I can do those spine stabilization moves I've neglected for months. It fit perfectly in the back seat of my car, and got it upstairs without a hassle. Sprayed it with Febreeze and will wait a couple days for the shop smell to dissipate.

Another small feather in my cap: I chose a donut with a calorie count of 250 vs 560 today. Woooooo! Someday I will not even bother with donuts anymore. 

[BeeKeeper]

June 19

Friday night was rough with repressed memories bubbling to the surface.  I stepped back as far as I could mentally to see some old themes mixed in with new ones, as well as anticipating continuation of the same treatment from others as before. Then I stopped to see that I had grown, perhaps I should allow for other people to grow. And even if they didn't, I was now equipped to handle conflict differently. That seemed to be the ticket to rest.

Today was my bite the laundry bullet day. I only have access to public washers and dryers with their accumulation of heavy fragrances. I have paid a commercial laundry to minimize this, but if I want to fast track my savings, something's gotta give. Mission accomplished and I discovered a grocery and a bank branch nearby. What could be better? I had the place to myself, tracked dryer heat by the minute-came home and continued being productive.

The applique fabric covering the name and medical center of a sturdy second hand polyester jacket is done. Quick and dirty on one side, hand hemmed on the other. I came across the title of a book which intrigued me Little and Often. I'm not interested in the book itself, but in the concept as it relates to changes. Every day I want to regain and re-engage with life as I used to, pre-2019. This small task has taken me about 6 weeks, which is ridiculous. I finally decided instead of firing up the iron and making a big production out of it, no rulers, measurements. I did it all by hand while watching videos. It took a reasonable amount of time; one rectangle inside and one rectangle outside. So far, so good. Now, dishes await.

Yesterday I was able to communicate effectively with my D when she had not responded to 2 texts this week. In order to get her attention, I put 3 emoticons up. One with a little crying, one sad face and one very sad face. She took the bait. My first comment was, "when there's no response, I feel ignored and sad." In response to her defense, I ended with "I understand you're busy and know it's easy to forget later. An emoticon or a couple words will suffice. Love you." In the past I would have stewed about this but resolved to set boundaries when a situation comes up.

[Libby183]

Hello Beekeeper.

Thank you for welcoming me back to the forum a few weeks ago. It was really appreciated. Since I came back, I have been reading journals to get a feel for everyone's place in their lives, so I hope you don't mind me making contact.

I was really interested to read about your craft activities, and making your current place a better and better place for you.

I have found it very interesting how these things become so important as paths for recovery. When my old life fell apart, I started making my own clothes, including getting to grips with a Serger! Think I did it as something to do, but it has led me to finding a 'style' and a confidence in dressing that I have never come close to before. And the fabrics are just so lovely, aren't they?

I too have a new place to live and am organising and decorating for myself, for the first time ever, and it's so rewarding.

I was stuck as well, by your relationships with your daughter. My d has recently cut me off completely because I asked her to reply to my messages. It was the first time I have ever asked anything of her, and certainly since her dad died, and she cut me off completely.

I think that you handled the situation very well, and you have helped confirm to me that my relationship with my d was not happy or healthy. It seems like you have a good base line for your relationship going forward. I wish you well with it.

Thank you again for letting me share your story.

[BeeKeeper]

Hello Libby!

Thank you for your feedback and parallels to your own life. I see we have a lot in common. When I go on and on about small changes which make a big impact, I'm never sure whether other people can relate. Making your own clothes! Yes, I used to do that also, but have stalled out for 40+ years. That light always shines at the end of the (wellness) tunnel. Congrats on conquering the machine and finding your own style!.

One word about D's. Whatever is happening now is not a permanent state of affairs. Life is fluid and always changing, so this is just a stop along the "riverbank" of life. The emotional keys for me have been to leave myself open to healthy changes, look for growth, compliment and encourage. You won't agree on everything, but there's probably a lot you still can see that's positive. If I want someone in my life that also is struggling, I aim to be the place of safety and calm.

June 20

Happy Father's Day to those Dads among us who are here and gone, who gave us bits and pieces of their best, which helped us become strong and resilient individuals. My own Father overcame my Christian Scientist Mother's refusal to have my congenital dislocated hip reset  in my toddler days. As a result, I am and have been ambulatory my entire life; skiing, skating, biking, running, and skateboarding! Thanks for that love Dad. With the sweet, comes the bittersweet; stubbornness, addictive personality, obsession and lack of social skills. Good thing life has lasted so long for me, I've been able to catch up a little. There's always an opportunity for re-framing, re-remembering and re-learning.

My wimpy oscillating fan and workhorse Lasko fan are now in each window, on low. The reason is the second hand fragrance I brought home on my clothes. Oh well. Last night I had a thought about "treating" a dryer before I used it; spraying vinegar inside. I used to wipe vinegar with a sponge and that cut down on 70%, so stay tuned for a trial of my new technique. As a kid I can't remember having a problem with scents. I attribute it to the imbalance of my senses. Losing my hearing has made other things like taste and smell more acute.

I guess that thought of "little and often" is seeping into my subconscious. My interest/apathy cycle is continually churning with pockets of activity and stagnant pools of inaction. My goal is to work on the stagnancy. I feel some major reorganization changes brewing, summer is typically the time I off load things which no longer serve my purposes. I see a lot of things which I've scattered around, some have regularly used tools, clothes, etc. mixed in with like items used very infrequently. This takes up a lot of space, physically and mentally for me. I've been good about aligning my projects and tools to create some synergy to move forward. One thing that delays me is the decision making involved, and then remembering where I've put things after my burst of new organization. I'm so good at putting things where they belong now, it's actually the last place I look when searching! Paradox city!

Today is dedicated to my granddaughter's graduation collage. Her birthday is in a month, and between finishing, packing and shipping, I want to be on time. I may do a serging to keep up the momentum. Wednesday I'm stocking up on inexpensive thread at a sewing thrift. I'll fill in with new thread later. Time to start practicing with the hemstitch foot; I'm pretty good after 2 sets of drapes which were on my bucket list. In between all that is the kitchen.

Once upon a time, I had grandparents who frequently had us all over for Sunday dinner. I don't remember the food as much as I remember what happened afterwards. They washed, dried and put away all the dishes, flatware and glasses! There was a drawer of cotton towels. We all helped; that seems so quaint and lovely. But I've never mastered that task! So, that's the goal, someday to do it at least once!

[Not Alone]

Bravo for all the second-hand finds, sewing, and redecorating that you've been doing. You are creative and resourceful.

Yesterday I was able to communicate effectively with my D when she had not responded to 2 texts this week. In order to get her attention, I put 3 emoticons up. One with a little crying, one sad face and one very sad face. She took the bait. My first comment was, "when there's no response, I feel ignored and sad." In response to her defense, I ended with "I understand you're busy and know it's easy to forget later. An emoticon or a couple words will suffice. Love you." In the past I would have stewed about this but resolved to set boundaries when a situation comes up.

I thought you handled this really well. You told her how you felt and also what you needed from her.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you notalone!

This success is not my own invention, but based on principle of Interpersonal Communication I studied at college 2 years ago. It's taken that long to have this one success. It may or may not work going forward, but I'm able to repeat myself!

My Etsy profile says this:

Embrace life by using your creative spirit every day. Experiment with materials and ideas; push yourself to learn new techniques, then practice, practice, practice! Rip out mistakes and try again. Value every failure because that's the key to growth. Take notes on your work with dates, materials and outcome. Teach your craft to anyone who wants to learn and light the creative fire inside them.

What was true 9 years ago is still true today. Everyone has a creative core, spirit and center.

I had a little surprise this afternoon when my grandson's GF put in a request on IG. This is curious, because I've been thinking about her a lot lately; how she looks like I did when I was in my 20's, favors the same style clothes, and has a vibe I can't quite identify. Now 2 of his loves are in contact with me. How sweet!

That U of Colorado Trauma Study is still helping me, although my gift card is cashed in about 2 weeks ago. As I laid down for my mandatory rest today, a person came to mind who was in a position of power and authority over me. It was a nationally recognized parenting group and the leader was a woman with a charismatic personality. I went over to her house individually for a private (uncertified) psychotherapy session.  Skip to the end of this story. I never went to group again, her house or saw her again. In the past, this would have curdled my insides, filled me with shame, and I would have struggled for equilibrium. Instead, I started with RAIN. Recognize.

I am seeing my incessant daily trauma memories as a plus (or sorts) now. This means instead of shrinking away, I tell myself, Wow, look what came up. Then I don't dwell long, but see it as proof of my mind's ability to troll the depths, bring it up in a safe place, at a safe time, where I can process it without public scrutiny. I also see that the ability to pick apart the potential for that to happen is more important that what actually happened.

First, boundaries. When they are weak, dominantly disrespectful people are attracted to me. This starts a cycle of shame, guilt, and pleasing. Second, when all solutions are held externally, that means I have abandoned my own resources and intuition. That causes me to seek out others, who may or may not be getting their needs met in a healthy way. Then I am at the mercy of whoever happens to be my savior of the day. Instead, these kinds of observations help me to focus on my own strengths, trust my accomplishments and believe that integration of events can be woven into my life story without huge gaping holes, or smoldering areas which stink. The allusion and metaphor to weaving is part of my story too, since I've been  doing that for 45 years.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I feel as though I could have written this post.  It helped me to read your observations and to know others are walking a similar path.  I appreciate when others share how they articulate things I have been thinking about - it helps me find the words to explain my experience. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainydairy,

Thanks for the validation! I often wonder whether I'm "thinking/writing" too much!

June 21

So! Here comes another one...this may be upsetting to someone, and possibly to me to write it, but I'll find a way to cope if that happens. Tara Brach's book Radical Compassion intrigued me with an idea: Depression is caused by being unwilling to "feel" certain feelings, mostly fear. I accidentally returned the e-book this morning, or I would quote the exact text.

A cousin comes to mind with sixteen years of baggage of betrayal and hurt. Her Mother, my Aunt, essentially filled the role of a Mother. Both were alcoholics, my Aunt invested in recovery, her daughter did not. When she suddenly died (burst aneurysm). Prior to the funeral, I was asked to clean/tidy my cousins house for out of town family. The exact time/day of the services were uncertain and I was promised that info. It never came;  I was intentionally excluded. The sense of anguish was unbearable. Although I confronted her specifically about this, that hurt never healed. It did shift last night.

When she came to mind, I felt the same old, same old. Then, out of nowhere, came the thought, "look deeper." (thank you Tara!) I saw that in her grief and alcoholic stupor, she was not able to think of anyone or anything besides herself. So, my sense of betrayal and loss, while valid, was not even in her mind. Or maybe it was. It's possible my cousin was jealous of the attention her Mom paid to me, as it meant less for her. Whatever, either way, it didn't matter because it is truly over, has been over and I've been carrying this toxic stuff around with me to haunt me for a long, long time.

I felt compassion for her, because I could see how she submerged her choices for a valid, authentic life in service of being a "good daughter". I saw how her vehement anger at my Father had filled the funeral service with rage. (She sent me a copy of the remarks!) I saw how she flitted from chaos, disaster, foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc. and still managed to wobble along. I actually saw a lot of choices my family members have made repeatedly, and how I always stepped in to "help". That old saw about letting people experience the consequences of their actions is true!

At the end of this little memory excavation, I felt light and free. Today, it's held too. I'm having a good day. Last week, I bought a (used) white "dotted Swiss" Talbot's blouse which I am wearing with my white earrings made in a snowflake pattern. Who cares if it's summer?! It matches and it's white!

[woodsgnome]

I always feel hesitant to comment directly into someone else's journal -- it seems invasive or something. Nonetheless, I guess that attitude isn't always applicable.

That said, I really don't have a gigantic comment or anything of that sort. The main gist is -- first, thank you for feeling bold enough to share your experience with others. By extension, I guess we could also thank Tara Brach, who I've read for years but like so many I read, some of her material seems too good to ring true, doubting that any of those outcomes are 'real' enough for someone as damaged as I think I am to benefit from.

Legit thoughts -- but, as you discovered, when are thoughts just floaters in our minds? That they needn't disrupt our lives to the point of collapse. I have so many of these that, like your example, have ruined many moments during these years when I'm free to realize -- yes, that happened; no, it's not happening now. Whatever the circumstances surrounding then, also aren't always still around. We can't totally eliminate them ('just get over it' LOL) but sometimes we can adjust how we respond to them.

That's all; I should stop before my guilt about crashing your journal resurfaces, justified or not. What prompted me, again, was just to thank you for emboldening my own day and reminding me there are sometimes other ways these past events don't have to control our present selves. It's also painful to revisit that stuff, and yet sometimes our surface memories could stand to see the alternative versions too. Sometimes the pain lingers, it can't be helped, but ... life has a broad horizon, too. Plus I loved you end anecdote about just doing it, your way.