Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

greetings woodsgnome,

You are welcome to comment anytime, thank you for doing so. I like the way you refer to thoughts as floaters.   

like so many I read, some of her material seems too good to ring true, doubting that any of those outcomes are 'real' enough for someone as damaged as I think I am to benefit from

Your reactions and doubts about recovery writers material hit the nail on the head. Absolutely my reaction as well. I couldn't even get through Pete Walker's book because of it. All I could think was, "and who is part of my support system?" As though it's an oxymoron. It's a dance between hopeful engagement, risk taking and outright rejection fueled by consistent disappointment and failures to be nurtured,

Still, for whatever reason, I believe that the only way out, for me, is through.

June 22

Having a difficult confusing, day after a fragmented night. Waiting for enlightenment.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I'll be thinking of you as you sit with your questions after your fragmented night. 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you rainydiary,

June 23

Yesterday was my M's birthday, she would have been 94. I grieved all day. Then dreamed about the "other" big perpetrator who is my D's Father. Spent 2 solid hours being compassionate to myself in order to be open to the blessings of today.

[Armadillo]

Hi Bee...sending you hugs for both the grief, the dreams, and beingbooen to the blessings of the day.

[BeeKeeper]

I appreciate the hug Armadillo  feeling's mutual.

June 24

Wednesday was a mixed bag day, but ended more on the positive side. The closer I get to seeing myself clearly, the better I can see other people as well. Surprise! I didn't expect that.

I now have Radical Compassion in book form, so I may be posting in the resource area. My audiologist gave me what I needed-a stronger magnet to hold the implant processor on my head on top of my voluminous hair. I usually wear it as close to the scalp as possible, carefully putting it under my hair with a very weak magnet. There's a magnet inside my scalp and together they form a bond for the processor. She and I always like to talk about life, this was no different. I asked her how she was coping, and she described her perspective and how she's had to change it over time to accommodate all the conflict and chaos with politics and science. We've known each other now for 12 years and she's also a good friend.

My "city" trips involve fabric or accessories of some kind, this one was focused on serger threads. I had good choices, but most spools were too big. I bought as many matching ones as I could, surprisingly, most were still in the original packaging. While gazing at fabrics, I saw a hunk of cream material which was on the corduroy shelf. It turned out to be brushed cotton; 62" wide (upholstery sized) and 7 yards. I bought it. Most likely, it will be my 3rd pair of drapes. When I saw the total, close to $50,  I started singing "Happy Birthday to you..." Mine in next month, close enough.

I took my sister, previously NC, with me to assess her and our relationship. That's where it got interesting. My boundary setting skills are in top notch condition. My ability to observe is also intact. What I expected to happen, didn't. At the end, I'm glad I did it, but don't feel a need to continue. In summary, she's stuck, I'm not.

This week has been tough, but when the worst part is over, it feels sweeter and lighter than ever before. That's not saying this will continue, just that I'm appreciating the moment. Oh, and I'm trying a new behavior. Washing and putting away my dishes EACH DAY. Just to see if it makes a difference. It does! Who knew? Yes, my grandparents did. 

[Armadillo]

First of all, hooray to Grandparents! At least the good ones. 

Second, i hope that the new magnet on your cochlear implant works well. Does the implant cause you any pain?

Third, boundaries....you sound strong. I am impressed you took your sister and am curious to hear more if and when you feel like sharing what that was like.

Happy early birthday to you! How thoughtful to get yourself just what you wanted! 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for your caring comments Armadillo,

Good grandparents are hard to come by.

The site of the implant does cause a constant level of pain, generally low. I attribute this to a pain syndrome I developed in my 20's-some would call it fibromyalgia. The issue with magnets, implants and processors is that they work by squeezing the scalp together. Lower strengths cause a less powerful squeeze than higher ones. So, after a period of time wearing the processor, when I take it off, my scalp "boings" back and if I would compare it to anything, it's like taking off a girdle or other compression garment. Instant relief! I'm very pleased to say that the highest strength (5) works well on top of my thick wiry hair, either when braided or when pulled back in a pony tail. I tolerated it for 5 hours. The optimum time is 3 hours, 4 getting dicey, 5 gotta stop.

A couple things I can share without reverberations about my sibling contact;
1. time limits on the entire conversation
2. boundaries about content
3. T review to get additional insights

1. There's only a certain amount of time and energy we can give to other people. It's important to gauge as the interaction goes on how quickly there's a drain. What's worked for me is 5 minutes prior to the ending point, I announce my intention to go. This inevitably leads to stages of "goodbyes" (with certain boundary impaired people) I've now learned to limit this stage to 2 minutes.

2. Like most people I have opinions about the virus, the impact on my life and the impact on society and the world. Since that's a constant "program" running throughout the day, I don't want to spend conscious moments with others on it. She wanted to talk a LOT about it, and I indulged up to a point, then I said, "I'm not willing to spend our time together talking about this or politics." That gives them or you the opportunity to change the subject to something more meaningful and comfortable.

Our method of communication came up-letters through the mail vs email. I reaffirmed my boundaries and why. It led to a bit of knee jerk rehashing on her part because she wants to continually tell herself and others, "it's not my fault." By fault I mean the low literacy with digital platforms, devices etc. I cut this off by reconfiguring my explanation to draw large differences like: I use digital as a replacement for many other modes (like telephone) my job experiences have included fairly recent tech and free tech support, my personality is geared towards problem solving, repurposing, recycling therefore necessity has been the mother of my skills.

This abbreviated a crying jag and also brought her to new understanding that it was not a fault oriented discussion, but a pragmatic one for me.

3. Lastly, perhaps most obviously, her incessant questioning about my physical and mental state was her attempt at assessing, "who might die first." This was brought on by my unexpected demand to remove me as executrix. From my perspective it was self-protective, From her prospective, it was terrifying to consider she would survive me and have to navigate life without the safety net I apparently offer. Until my T spoke those words, I had been clueless.

June 25

Made my feather pancakes this AM and took photos for IG. My grandson and his GF are into food! Like eating out probably 50% of the time or more. Their disappearing stories always show some juicy dripping whatever! So, I'm opting for Rumford Baking Powder and how high it made the batter.

Last night I tried reading physical books before bed vs. e-books. Right now, David Rock's Quiet Leadership and Tara Brach's Radical Compassion alternate. They are actually complimentary because Rock starts out with the neural connection theory and how it's impossible to change the way people already think. It is possible to encourage NEW ways to thinking and making connections between things, and that's where the focus is. I like it a lot and am already 40 pages in. I still had bizarre dreams. which mirrored an uncomfortable interaction I had in a store between a young boy and his father. Not ready to share that yet. Also, my "parents" appeared as old people with gray hair together, waiting for me on a ship, a fallacy entirely. But I was able to shake these things off.

I figured out how I can encourage myself to do the collage, and remove some pressure for performance. Change the location! (from main worktable to bedroom)

Years ago, H#1 committed arson. I've attempted in person and online to get specific records, and in order to heal from this life long wound. Yesterday I wrote an e-mail to the county and asked about archived record access. To back it up, the management in my building knows a lot of people in law enforcement/fire prevention and I'm asking her on Monday for a person to talk to in this county which probably mirrors bureaucracy in my neighboring county. These actions are part of my new "anti-rumination" plan. If there's something I can do, to get answers or to start a process, I do it. This helps 100%. I may or may not get what I think I want, but the effort alone is enough for now.

My exercise Ottoman is perfect and already my muscles are getting in shape, v-e-r-y slowly.

[BeeKeeper]

June 26

Three small life changes seem to be working. I am feeling very good about seeing clean kitchen counters nearly all day! I have kept washing dishes and putting them away each day within 4 hours of use. This has unexpectedly created some energy for me to spend in other areas. (Disclaimer and qualifier: I live alone so it's only my mess.)

Early evening, I wrap up my streaming media viewing, so that I only read a physical book before bed. I've tried this before, but apparently was not "ready." Now I am and it allows me to fall asleep more quickly 1 hour vs 3! The dreams continue however I'm able to manage them better.

Using the stronger magnet for my implant processor is also a good thing. When I give myself a break the following day, by no use at all, my scalp/head doesn't hurt at all! I've been hoping for relief for 4 years, and now it looks like I've figured out the way to get it.

Now an added little bonus. I've used shampoos all my life. In the last 2, I've stopped and immediately noticed something shocking. My scalp didn't hurt "as much". For those on the fence of switching over to no "poo" I highly recommend. It takes some experimentation, but that's the joy in life. I use 2 brands of conditioners. Each has a creamy version and a pour on liquid version. So, 4 conditioners in a certain order seems to be the ticket for soft, manageable hair without problems. I credit my granddaughter for encouraging me to go where I haven't gone before. 

[Armadillo]

That's great progress on the insomnia!!! Sleep is so important! And I'm so happy you found a way to minimize the pain with the alternating days off so you can use the stronger magnet on your implant. 

[BeeKeeper]

Yes Armadillo! Today I also recognized that this SSRI is helping hyper-sensitivity with sleep/wake cycles.  I'm beginning to feel.....rested. The combo of rest and reduced processor pain is having a positive impact on my mood!

June 27

I fired up the serger yesterday and made some samples. The lock stitch is in two places, one at the bottom of the loop and one at the top. Gee, funny what a 10X magnifier can do! I communed for a while, just looking at the threads and their placement. It's started to make sense. Learning a serger is a little bit like seeing the color of the word RED in the color green. It doesn't match the expectation. After a while, I'm certain that I'll get the hang of it.

Today I head to Spectrum to exchange my failing modem. Had to make an appointment, first in line. The great news is a new store opened in my area, so I don't have to drive 30 miles round trip.

The graduation collage is coming along. I'm still playing with layout, 3 papers and sizing. Getting closer to the "optimum", my intuition will tell me when I'm there. I also made another "small" change in my space. For years I've had a colorful framed greeting card with birds and concepts (joy, hope, peace, faith, love) where I see it all day, every day. The person who sent it is still in my heart, but getting really old and not communicating as much. I've saved 95% of his cards. Now, I think it's time to start disengaging. The frame is now on the wall, with a sepia toned photo of my grandfather when he was a young man in uniform. This has a subtle effect on me in several ways. My ancestors saved a lot of memorabilia and I have a letter which he wrote to his Father-16 pages from 1918 from France, WWI. It's a beauty. This letter tells me where my love of writing comes from. So stunning to think of our good points being rooted in the past.

[laurels]

Hey BeeKeeper,
how lovely to hear you're finally feeling rested. Bad sleep is such an influence on all sorts of physical and mental health issues. Yay for you!

Also re: your previous post - you saying you're now "ready" for a particular healthy habit is so inspiring and fills me with optimism. So many times I tried something I knew was good for me, and couldn't keep it up for one reason or another. It always brought about shame and negative self-talk, but maybe it just wasn't the right time, maybe other things needed to be tackled first... Hope you keep going with your discoveries, experiments, and positive life changes.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Laurels,

The readiness potential is very important to me. I learned that words like "always & never" are usually part of black & white thinking that limits growth. There is cause for optimism! Daniel Pink's book When https://thepowermoves.com/when-daniel-pink/ helped me along the journey as well.

June 28

Without planning it, I'm starting to withdraw from my flavored coffee routine. Went without 2 days and those days were calm and good. I resumed this morning-attempting to recapture a social feeding routine. Coffee, breakfast sandwich at my safe cafe place. Still safe, but not as satisfying as it once was.

Diving deeper and deeper into sewing/serging and picked up several matching beige polyester remnants at today, essentially $1 a yard. Will practice my overlock skills and use thread picked up last week. I'm scared, but what's the worst that could happen?

At my building today, I saw a tenant sitting under a tree with his dog, and walked over to introduce myself. He responded neutrally when I asked if he felt like talking. I'm glad I went, if only for the dog, who was very responsive. He didn't offer any comments without being asked something first. That's OK. I test myself out once in a while to see how I handle things. instead of spewing info, I politely left after 5 minutes.

92 degrees and no air conditioning. 

[Not Alone]

Courageous of you to introduce yourself to neighbor. Unfortunate that he wasn't more open. That's him and what place he was in.

Sorry you are in such heat without air conditioning. ugh. 

[BeeKeeper]

notalone,

yep! I didn't get an create an attitude about him, but I DID enjoy his dog! What's different now is that I'm able to de-personalize previously loaded "transactions" and keep a balanced perspective. This is one way I can tell I'm growing.

June 29

Today, very early I got "on the phone" which means going to Sprint Relay, logging in and entering a phone number for the assistant to conduct a 3 way call. I type, they read, recipient speaks, assistant types, I read. Repeat. I asked for a Zoom link for an appointment 3 weeks out. Generally this wouldn't seem critical, yet on the last appointment, no link was created, entered or accessed until there was an urgency the day of. This ticked me off, but instead of maintaining that anger, I developed strategies.

First, if the office does not create the necessary access the day the appointment is made, I message, the supervisor a couple days later and ask for it. This does two things; let's her know the staff is not performing and hopefully gets me closer to my goal. She acknowledged and forwarded my message. No action.

Second, today, I asked for the link, got it in 30 minutes. I made sure I was casual to avoid defensiveness. It worked! Now I will bypass the supervisor and just deal with the office. I like to take the direct route if possible. This story illustrates the simple ways I can take action and avoid disappointment with others. In the past I would stew, ruminate and complain. This way, I sleep better and follow my new habit, if there's an action, take it.

I fell into an ad for metabolic exercise. I "took the test to determine my hormone type" 7, which is post menopausal.   
But wait, I already knew that, but didn't know there are hormone "types". Long story short, $60 set of whatevers discounted to $37, and basically common sense stuff. The only thing I'm passing up is the specific 15 minute exercise "bursts" that are done 4 times a day and the 12 week eating plan. If there's anything that causes huge defenses to spring up immediately, it's telling me what to eat 3 times a day for 3 months! Heck, I hardly know what I want any given time.

It led me to think about my ever growing (mainly unused) exercise folder in which all the heavy hitters and some lesser luminaries are gathered. By body part. Neck, arms, shoulders, spine, 

David Rock's books said it best. "I'm watering the seeds I've sown instead of planting new fields."

Friends, may you water the seeds you've sown, and be delighted by the new green shoots.

[Armadillo]

I love your two mantras here... if there's an action take it...and I'm watering the seeds I've sown not planting new seeds. Love them both. And sorry I am in hysterics about your hormone typing quiz. 

ETA: ugh I'm sorry you have to jump through so many hoops to set up a call or videoconference. Wish it were not so 

also ETA: and now I realize that using the word "hysterics" when talking about menopause is probably poor word choice. But also kind of funny. But I think everything is funny. Sorry.