Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[laurels]

I just wanted to second that those are GREAT mantras. I'm going to copy them down. One encouraging, a call to action, and one supportive, reassuring one. I definitely struggle with initiative, so it's great to hear these success stories, too.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I especially appreciate your mention of watering what we've sown instead of planting new fields.  I am definitely more included to the latter as I tell myself a fresh start will help.  That isn't always the case.  I appreciate this perspective - I plan to reflect on watering what I've planted. 

[BeeKeeper]

Armadillo, it WAS funny and I don't mind the word or concept of hysterics at all. (I've taken history.  ) I think a lot of things are funny too, and look actively.

Regarding telephone trials, such is life.

laurels and rainydiary;

I'm glad my little "engines that could"  (the self-found inspiration and Rock quote) were valuable to someone besides me. Watering what I've planted just leapt off the page and (as Elton John lyrics say) zapped me right between the eyes! Apologies to that whipporwill of freedom.

[BeeKeeper]

June 30

Here it is 4:36 PM EST and just starting to feel like I've found all my pieces, put them together and can remain conscious for 5 more hours. Today was mammogram day at 9 AM, uncharacteristically dreaded it and wanted to make this my last visit ever. After a mere 4 views, I was taken back to my room where I observed horizontal red marks on my upper chest, where the "squishing" plate was cranked down. I've never noticed it before. They faded.

When I woke up today, I felt drained of all emotion. My T warned me about feeling "blunted" on a higher dose, and was curious if this was it. Especially since I am NOT on a higher dose. Tried to go through a portion of my routine to see if that would reverse the muddy nothing, but no, it didn't. Back to bed for almost 3 hours with a migraine brewing. That's what I call "Clue #1" that some unresolved issue is nagging at me. RX, minuscule caffeine, food has eliminated the HA, but still spinning my wheels. I accept some days are like this, and even this is a prelude for tomorrow, a difficult "anniversary day" of a difficult life event.

[Not Alone]

yep! I didn't get an create an attitude about him, but I DID enjoy his dog! What's different now is that I'm able to de-personalize previously loaded "transactions" and keep a balanced perspective. This is one way I can tell I'm growing.


This story illustrates the simple ways I can take action and avoid disappointment with others. In the past I would stew, ruminate and complain. This way, I sleep better and follow my new habit, if there's an action, take it.

Cheering your growth. 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you notalone, sometimes it takes a while.

June 30

Just when I was ready to write the day off, I took action! I'm attempting to find my way into fire investigation records from 46 years ago in another county. I started with this county, my building management who knows all the cops and the "firemen." My initial request for a private conversation was an inopportune time for her, and no dice. Next my thoughts drifted to all the police I know at the county college. The supervisor there knows me from various venues, and I decided to ask him. Bingo! He is a volunteer firefighter in my county, willing to try and could possibly offer me a direct contact in my neighboring county. This is tremendously encouraging to me.

I am perhaps "greedy" for recovery from an old trauma, being so optimistic about making my way through long-standing memories recently.  It's worth it to ask;  what if nothing changes? What if what I already know is the most I'm ever going to know? Can I take these facts and somehow reframe, extract or shuffle the pieces so I am not walking around with a charred place in my soul? I don't want revenge, I am not sure what I want. Maybe something previously unknown so I can find the door and "leave it behind."

[Armadillo]

 

I can't verbalize it but I totally get why you are hunting down this information.  I've done the same. I'm glad I did even if what I found was more painful. Having a story and answers is helpful even if upsetting. So I'm happy you found a bit of a lead and hope you find something that will help you.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks so much Armadillo! It feels pretty weird and scary to be doing this. I have considered the answers might be MORE painful, if that's possible. It's a risk and has unleashed a huge tsunami of memories, feelings, etc. Only those who have endured similar things can relate, and that's part of the cringe-worthy background "music" running perpetually throughout. The insensitive, innocent, incomprehensible question from unaffected others: why do you want this, NOW? I haven't gotten it, but I'm fully expecting it. Today is a bit "better" in that my ability to face life and slog through is closer to the normal level of "bracing."  It's a gray, overcast day, and strangely, lack of sunshine seems to help a lot.

[Armadillo]

  I get it.

It's ok to just have a short answer when people do ask you that question..."I need to know." "I want to know" "Having a story is important to me" etc.

There was a whole torrent of consequences...all of them very very difficult...when I decided to order my dad's death certificate and then autopsy report. I don't regret it though at all. And I didn't stop there, I called the coroner to talk to her about what she wrote and knew and I tried to get stuff from the police department too. I tried to get information anywhere I could.

[Kizzie]

I am perhaps "greedy" for recovery from an old trauma, being so optimistic about making my way through long-standing memories recently.  It's worth it to ask;  what if nothing changes? What if what I already know is the most I'm ever going to know? Can I take these facts and somehow reframe, extract or shuffle the pieces so I am not walking around with a charred place in my soul? I don't want revenge, I am not sure what I want. Maybe something previously unknown so I can find the door and "leave it behind."

FWIW I think a lot of people are more open to the idea of needing answers from the past. Lots of reality shows  about seeking biological parents and solving cold cases if these are any indicator.  What's clear from the shows I've watched is that not knowing is really difficult, knowing seems to bring relief and release more times than not.  I hope this is the case for you BK 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the affirmation Armadillo and Kizzie, this fuels me to feeling empowered! Your responses brought to light an assumption that I'll be rejected outright, which is true based on history, but time to change that expectation, or eliminate it entirely! Very good points, I appreciate the thoughtfulness. 

July 1

My Campus Police friend referred me to county bureaucrat. I am taking a while to construct my story, giving myself some processing and breathing room. I've decided that honing my request with enough, but not too many, details is the ticket to success.

My T was very encouraging of my new path and affirmed that I was on the right road with the right perspective to healing. Essentially, it has to be about the "other" person and where they were or are in their development. Yes, no question those who were hurt suffered. However if the focus is on resolution in some form, it has to be about capacity, vs intent. It's grievous to think that so many people could have gotten so many things wrong. IMO, the key point is our brains were "re-wired" or wired differently from a young age. The opportunity is that the longer we live, the more potential for wiring the way we choose to support and love ourselves. Neuroplasticity, I heart you!

An old friend (literally and figuratively) and I had a breakthrough of sorts last night. He shared (admitted) the toxic, painful parenting he endured and what effect it had on him. We've never talked about it in depth. I found it very affirming to get to this level of disclosure, because he's never allowed himself to do that with me. A script we had of "I'm OK, you're not OK" was revised and softened so that I feel better about our relationship.

After the last couple days, I'm committed to not committing! That is making goals, plans, to-do lists, expectations etc. I have been a very rigorous and unrelenting taskmaster with myself and it only leads to feelings of failure, guilt and shame when I fall short. JamesG's recovery notes (our forum) had a lot to do with this. He wrote about the absolute importance and necessity of REST. And, now, I'm taking it very seriously. (Thank you JamesG!) He also writes about Derren Brown's book Happy, Why More or Less Everything is Fine. You can read it free on the internet at https://www.pdfread.net/ This will not appeal to everyone, but he makes some good points, with humor and is provocative in a good way.

Also David Rock has laid out Step 4 of his 6 steps to Quiet Leadership-calling it the Dance of Insight. The four faces of insight are:
1. Awareness of dilemma
2. Reflection
3. Illumination
4. Motivation.

Broadly speaking this dance begins with asking permission of the other person to have a (usually difficult or drama infused) conversation.
From there Placement occurs.

Placement is about anchoring any conversation: defining exactly where you are and what's about to happen next so that the people are thinking about exactly the same issues from similar perspectives.

When you place people in a conversation, you take care of issues like:

Setting the scene
How long you'd like to speak for
Where you're coming from
What your goal for the conversation is
What you would like them to do in the conversation
How you would like them to listen
What's going to happen in the conversation
What you're looking to achieve from the dialogue

When I came to this section, my brain zoomed straight up, hit the ceiling and declared, "THIS is what's been missing!" The book has many examples between supervisor/employee and wouldn't we all like to live in that world! I see the potential in using this, but anticipate awkward in implementation and practice. My favorite thought and life guidance is: "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

[CactusFlower]

It's totally normal to want to know the truth, or at least as much as you can, about things that happened. Kizzie is right, it's the knowing that brings relief. You see so many shows (which I never realized before, but yeah) where those left behind or adjacent to want to know something, anything, more than what they do. I think it's a way to get closure as well.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you CactusFlower, I've been thinking about this non-stop and now have some comfort level with the asking. Funny, if I hadn't written that out here, and different people responded, that point would have slipped away.

July 2,

Yesterday I called the county sheriff in the target area and hit the jackpot. A very lovely woman told me a couple of things to point me on my way.

1. Filing a FOIL request is mandatory
2. Filing a FOIL request for every possible jurisdiction is the best
3. Filing a FOIL request on the local or county agency's request form, anything else will be ignored
4. A return of "no information found" means that particular agency does not hold the records sought, not necessarily there are no records.

I confirmed that I already have the name of the appropriate Emergency Management person, but since a prior request showed no records, I can now concentrate on the local levels: town, city or village. This has been tremendously freeing in and of itself. I've spent much of my life in and out of family court, legal systems on behalf of family,  therefore, this is in my "playground." In order to maintain a balanced perspective, I'm traveling this journey with the possibility that the records are so old, possibly they have been discarded. If that's the case, I'll make peace with it, someway, somehow.

Yesterday I spent a bit of time working out a beaded pattern. The first trial was kaput, the second, better-close enough. I read some, watched my 3rd round of old TV comedy drama, and read more. It got off to a late start, but ended well.

Today, I emerged from photographic dreams to satisfy a craving for an old Bee Gee's song. I had it on repeat for hours!   I got my favorite muffins, (two for one) & saved $6. Lunch, shopping, moving money from point A to B. next business day is Tuesday, July 6. Ordered an Oxford University Press workbook about trichotillomania treatment and now I'm done.

The last couple days have been incredibly peaceful considering everything. My grandson's GF is reaching out to me and starting a very comfortable feeling relationship. Wow! I teased my D on IG, got a reaction and laughed this morning. I can't recall feeling that good for a while. For all the parents who endured teasing from their kids, what goes around, comes around.

[Not Alone]

I'm glad you received some specific information about filing a FOIL request.

I like the Bee Gees too. Haven't listened to them in a long time. 

[Armadillo]

It can be hard but also...hmm what's the word...sort of like an adrenaline rush... filing the papers and waiting to know if you'll find information or a dead end. You've found some good kind people to help you along the way and I bet that feels good in and of itself. Enjoy the process and the unknowns along the way. The possibilities that answers exist for what you want to know .

Good job on working out the new beading pattern! 

I'm pretty in awe that you ordered that workbook. It's gotta be hard to tackle. I hope you find relief. 💕

You sound very light and joyful after the fun teasing exchanges with D and with GS's GF.