Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the support notalone and Armadillo. I've made a good start. More progress today when I stopped into a State Police substation and asked a couple questions. My surprise was being directed to an electronic filing in the state capitol. All the pieces are starting to come together.

Years ago, the 3 Stooges had a skit about Niagara Falls. It started out, "Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch..." Then they went into a manic routine. I won't end with the manic part, but definitely feel the beginning applies. Now I'm getting into the process and details of arson investigation. This helps because I want to give the "right" details to match things up, bypassing anything extraneous or emotional. I can do it, but the mountain gets a little higher each day. I have to dig through my records, and as good and organized as I have been, I couldn't put my hands on things immediately. It's probably buried somewhat to avoid casually coming across it.

July 3

A historic moment for me today. I bought a never worn pair of denim jeans made in Pakistan from Old Navy. Paid full price too.  The reality is that 2020 and 2021 have increased my volume and gravitational pull.  I've bought new bras, but held off on the pants. Now I have one pair that fit without pain. Yippee!

Another noteworthy moment happened early today. I go to a local upscale grocery store which has an indoor and outdoor cafe. There's one table by the window, with access to two electrical outlets. That's "my spot." In the past, they've had high tables and chairs in certain areas, but last year, they switched everything around. The high chairs are especially great for me, because I can put my feet up on the rungs and my back feels better sitting. They placed a high table with 2 matching high chairs at MY SPOT! ( posted to IG)

I immediately sought out my favorite supervisor and told him I was "deliriously happy" about that. First he paused and then gently touched my arm to acknowledge my pleasure. His name is Andy and over the last couple years, he's developed into a kind, warm sweet person towards me.

My GS's GF has disclosed a private painful detail about herself and past.  I offered my support. At this point, I want to step back a bit to make sure I don't resume my traditional role of care-taking friend that gets in too deep. This now shows me a big part of their attraction for each other-trauma bonded.

This Thursday is the cake/ice cream day and I'm being taken to lunch. 

[BeeKeeper]

July 4

Sitting here at my "special spot" by the window, feeling good about my breakfast sandwich and the sweet young woman who made it, she's my favorite with a nuanced touch.

There are two themes which are emerging in my life: slowing down (rest) and "sitting" with whatever emotions/feelings come up. Re: Tara Brach, the recognition step. There's an interdependence between these states; a lot of psychic energy is generated just getting through the day, a slower pace or pause helps with integration so it doesn't all accumulate for me just before I want to sleep. AH! I guess I knew that intuitively but by writing it out clarified it exactly!

I'm not sure of how I "got" here-to the place of remembering, tolerating and processing so completely. This forum has helped since 2015 when I first found it. Being heard, acknowledged and supported was such a shock! I'm so grateful to Kizzie for her strength and commitment in creating a safe place for those who need it. The next steps were moving twice in 6 years. Then came surgery for a hearing implant. That set the stage for my unconscious/subconscious to allow the locks to bust open, and the contents of all my fortified compartments to leak and mix together. First, a trickle, then a steady flow.

Before this, I thought I had lost a significant portion of my life, forever buried in layers of repression. Solid, stratified mixed with metal so aggressive excavation would be necessary to access. Not true! Just like the statement, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." In reality, when I was ready, everyone in my life became a teacher. Please understand, this is only my personal experience and not meant to be modeled or held up as a standard.

If you believe certain things, everyone in life is a potential to be a teacher and it depends on your individual perspective. I offer the key point of readiness, as least as it applies to me. I had to become ready through a succession of counselors; religious, secular, experienced, inexperienced. Then there are/were "friends", family members, institutional staff, agency personnel. I was ghosted by some, ripped to shreds by others, buoyed up, let down, and everything in between. Some gave me outrageous gifts, of expertise, mercy or the essence of themselves.  They have a place in my heart and if possible my photo files!

All in all, I'm dedicated to saving the parts of myself which can be used to build on. I'm learning to let go of those parts which continue to take me to places of rejection. In every story there are small pieces that can be extracted and used for beauty. When I woke up today and started to think about my current record pursuit, I had an artistic vision of a weaving. For those that don't know, fabric is made up of vertical strands called a warp and horizontal stands called weft. The warp is the foundation. I saw my life narrative as reworking the warp and even replacing some so there's not a concentration of weak fibers (or dark, colorless ugliness). Naturally, this is time consuming and inevitably will take me the rest of my life. That's perfectly fine. Slow, steady, with compassion and acceptance, I'll continue.

Update note:
After 3 months of cautious contemplation, I invited a fellow tenant to join me for cake and "custard" on the patio this Thursday; he accepted. 

[BeeKeeper]

July 5

Old habits return! Three months ago, I recognized my longing for casual, friendly contact with the person I invited to join me Thursday. I sat on it, mulled it over and rejected reaching out due to the "how"? Yesterday, as I drove into the building parking lot, there he was, at his vehicle. After we both got inside, I asked. It went well.

Should this be so hard?!  Objectively no. Then I went down a "rabbit hole" of obsessing about what to serve, how to serve,  Then I stopped and allowed the sad realization that when I don't use a skill, it's rusty. OK. So, these are just very simple, elementary issues which have been complicated by, well, history. So, to improve my skills, I'm going to keep on doing these small things, and believe that it will pay off.

I'm aware that a large part of my inner dialogue consists of me choosing a people pleasing approach to problem solving. (sigh) presenting myself as non-threatening, submissive (?) and even, when slightly dense, if I think there's danger. Yikes! All along the lines of those old childhood words, "I promise I'll be good." (unspoken "please don't hurt me.") That's potent. Other than observing myself thinking this way, and vowing to choose different responses in reality, the opportunities for interaction are slim.

Made a couple small improvements in the studio. Upgraded to stacking a buffed metal kitchen riser, with a metal organizer. Nice! I repurposed the plastic covered one to gather sewing & beading notebooks in one location vs 3. I finished my other gray earring and picked out colors for my next pair. Periwinkle, grapey purple and a "funky blue" round bead as picot edging. The funky refers to two colors overlaid on white, 2 hues of blue, one of purple.

My joy of the day was discovered a bottle of Spectrum canola oil, double the size for only $2 more. In 4 years, I never noticed!

[rainydiary]

I'm aware that a large part of my inner dialogue consists of me choosing a people pleasing approach to problem solving. (sigh) presenting myself as non-threatening, submissive (?) and even, when slightly dense, if I think there's danger. Yikes! All along the lines of those old childhood words, "I promise I'll be good." (unspoken "please don't hurt me.") That's potent. Other than observing myself thinking this way, and vowing to choose different responses in reality, the opportunities for interaction are slim.

Me too.  I appreciate you articulating this. 

[BeeKeeper]

hey rainy,

It upsets me that I still have these ingrained habits, but on the bright side, now I'm aware of them. The promise to be good is a plea for mercy-even if we weren't "guilty." I became a little angry and impatient with myself after writing that. This takes such a l-o-n-g time!

Update July 5

After imagining a beautiful image of color choices, especially periwinkle ( I love the winkle part!) it was ho-hum. Not what I imagined at all. I decided then and there to stop, take whatever lessons I could and go on. Using a slightly larger bead, #10 vs #11, I forged ahead and like what I see. It's a bit larger overall, but not too outrageous for me. I like a little strange and unique, but not a head swiveling, "what the?"

The thing that helps me deal with emotional pain is an analytical filter. I pretend metaphorically, I put on a white coat, take out a clip board and only look at numbers, dates and facts. I applied this to a confusing experience lately with my college professor, in which I was on Cloud Nine, or in the deepest darkest hole. Now at the 7 week mark, I STILL think about the yo-yo. We eventually made "peace" and he expressed some caring and concern. This was unfortunately the element that kept me hooked. One author writing about adults of emotionally immature parents described this "hunger" for attention or caring which goes off the rails. (My paraphrase) I guess similar to a starving person who can't digest food and then attempts to eat a full meal. It makes them sick. That's me at this point. Self-blame adds to the burden, but I can feel myself starting to come out of it.

The lack of business schedules and structure on holidays, sets me adrift-especially tacked on to a weekend. (Everyone in my family got together in another state and sent me lovely pictures. Ouch!)

[rainydiary]

What you say resonates with me.  As much as I don't like the things that are a part of my experience and in my thoughts and feelings, the awareness for me has been key because then I can make choices.  Before I wasn't making choices based on awareness. 

I think our minds may work somewhat similarly as I am analytical about this too.  I also read a lot and it takes time to either integrate or leave that behind if it isn't serving me. 

I appreciate what you share and am grateful to be part of your journey here on this forum. 

[Armadillo]

 

I don't have a lot of words to share today. But want to say "ouch" right along with you to the picitures of your family celebrating without you. 😭

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks Armadillo!      It helps to know I'm not the only one.

July 6

This morning is going OK. I allowed myself to step back from tearing apart my files to find some deeds, and other papers that will help me file an outstanding FOIL request. In a moment of weakness, I e-mailed a fire investigator, asking for a "paid consult" for a filing, but now, think that would be fairly worthless. This can't be any worse, harder than filings I've already done (Disability x2 & a State Human RIghts). We are all mere mortals!

My plan is to drive the 28 miles around trip to get my old address, rather than spending time nailing it down via digital computer maps. By old address, I mean where I lived when the incident occurred. I've been there within the past 2 years, so know I can handle a brief encounter. Thoughts of "bundling" errands float up, specifically, to get a handmade pie from a well known vendor. Total deliciousness, but directly opposed to fitting into my regular clothes this year.

I'm very proud of myself today for a decision to spend time ripping out a mistake with my earring. I made it with bigger beads, and that fact alone lent to correction without the old "cut/snip". That refers to solving a problem by cutting the thread(s) instead of spending an hour or more carefully, slowly separating them one by one and pulling them back the way they started. The fun was two-fold. First, the thread I'm using is a mono-filament nylon, but with enough tension in the wrong spot, it shreds while (kind of) maintaining it's shape. Second, since internal diameter of the beads were bigger, I made more "passes." 6 instead of 4. To top it off, at the end of each pass, made a complicated reverse stitch which locked that sucker in. But anyway!

Mission accomplished and it is a great feeling to start off the day knowing I can unravel successfully.  I think this has the potential for becoming a temporary manta. The ability to successfully unravel!

[Blueberry]

want to say "ouch" right along with you to the picitures of your family celebrating without you. 😭

 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks Blueberry. 

July 7

In order to refocus and soothe myself from the feelings of isolation and exclusion, I'm going to try a new strategy. While looking through my albums and scrapbooks for "something else" I came across a treasure trove of happy warm memories of my family when everyone was young(er). In particular, when I dragged my D to college with me years ago, she found ways to entertain herself; making little things on a computer, scavenging under food machines for loose change, drawing herself walking the cat, and other silliness. If anyone remembers the song, the Name Game, it was a variation of that, in fancy font and ended with "Mi My Mo Merp- Twerp". The edges were lined with hearts all around. This is a an example of one way she hasn't changed in 40 years. Although she's making some choices now which prevent me from feeling comfortable being with her, we still share the same love of ridiculousness. That commonality took away the ouch.

David Rock's book continues to hold my interest. He's still using seed watering metaphors, only this time, he's talking about giving recognition in the form of feedback. When you give a person, specific, detailed feedback on what they accomplished, how that creates new ways of thinking that can be applied to other areas of their lives and the obstacles they overcame, he said, "That's like watering a new seedling, instead of spraying the garden with a hose." This guy has mastered the art of evoking a picture!

In effect, this is a book not only about communication, but also about ways to think about thinking and to offer questions about thinking to clarify the process. The other nugget I liked was his citing "Thinking On Your Back: Solving Anagrams Faster When Supine Than When Standing," Cognitive Brain Research, 24 n.3 (August 2005) Darren M. Lipinski and Don G. Byrne. I now have another reason to embrace my afternoon rest; I get so excited when my intuition is "backed by science"!

Today I'm taking it slowly because things feel a bit fragile-taking wa$h to the laundry, road trip? final arrangements for tomorrow? I feel that old pressure around the periphery of consciousness. Instead, I'm going to affirm, Great opportunity today!

[Armadillo]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Feeling cared for Armadillo!

July 7 update

OMG, this day goes down in history-one of a kind, special, stunning and overflowing. Never mind the calendar tomorrow.

Started out the day with a minor disappointment, laundry wont' be finished until tomorrow. Forged ahead and drove to my former village.

Four years ago when I moved here, I looked for consignment shops in which to sell my beaded stuff. Tried a couple, and found one online which happens to be directly across the street from where I used to live. Went, in, looked through various rooms and my heart sighed with relief. Even if: I never establish a contract here, come once a year or less, or more often, it was soothing. Can't afford anything I want, but who knows? The proprietor was wearing a tee shirt, kilt and barefoot.  He was open to a conversation and will probably see him again for an exploratory showing. Very low key.

Across the road, I saw a garage set back on the property with people inside. 3 guys, 2 shirtless, bellies galore. I walked up, introduced myself, and said, "I'm taking a trip down memory lane." Shortly thereafter, the owner offered to show me inside, I accepted and saw my old haunt as well as the other side of the house. He offered some automotive advice and was very kind and open. I kept my guard up-everything turned out OK.

Down the street, I noticed a State Police Office, locked, but the Village Clerk was open. Had a fruitful conversation about FOIL, records retention and left a note for the Fire Chief. Also came away with a FOIL form.

On the way out of town, I intended to buy only one Chocolate Cream pie. (frozen). Then I saw a sign for Key Lime, and got that too. This should carry me to September.

Getting to sleep tonight will be interesting. I can't remember the last time I've had some many things go right in one day. Off to hit my local places to establish a "routine" and bring me back to present reality. I haven't dissociated, gotten upset or otherwise gone down the tubes.

[Armadillo]

This is amazing Bee!!!!

I'm so happy things went well and that the trip down memory lane did not cause dissociation. 

Also your beading you shared in the other thread is beautiful!

[BeeKeeper]

thank you Armdillo, good news is best when shared! I wore those "Mardi Gras" earrings yesterday with a white dotted Swiss blouse over a white tank. Later in the evening, I changed to my Snowflake earrings, which were noticed. 

July 9

This is just a placeholder of sorts while I continue processing my birthday events. The main thing was the outrageous success of my invitation for a fellow tenant who lives here to join me. The stats: 3 hours of conversation, 3  and my life is altered for the better.

There's no intention of taking the Lord's name in vain here, instead a respectful, reverent and thankful OMG!

[Armadillo]

 
Yay!!!! Fantastic!