Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[zanzoken]

BeeKeeper,

I hope it's okay for me to leave a comment.  I'm all caught up on your journal and I just want to say that I feel so much admiration for the courage and wisdom that you show in your life and in your writing.  Your words are very evocative... in almost every update I find things that feel meaningful, that I'd like to sit with and process some more.

On a bit of a lighter note, I also enjoy when you write about your sewing and weaving.  It feels to me like those bring you a lot of joy and satisfaction, and I find it pleasant and soothing to read.

There was something you wrote a while back that I thought was very beautiful, and resonated with me a lot.

All in all, I'm dedicated to saving the parts of myself which can be used to build on. I'm learning to let go of those parts which continue to take me to places of rejection. In every story there are small pieces that can be extracted and used for beauty. When I woke up today and started to think about my current record pursuit, I had an artistic vision of a weaving. For those that don't know, fabric is made up of vertical strands called a warp and horizontal stands called weft. The warp is the foundation. I saw my life narrative as reworking the warp and even replacing some so there's not a concentration of weak fibers (or dark, colorless ugliness). Naturally, this is time consuming and inevitably will take me the rest of my life. That's perfectly fine. Slow, steady, with compassion and acceptance, I'll continue.

I feel like this really describes where I am right now in my recovery.  I am trying to find more words but they aren't coming, so that's all I will say about that for now.

Last thing is, I'd like to offer you a hug, if that is something that feels safe and comforting to you.  I hope you are well today, and every day. 

[BeeKeeper]

zanzoken,

You are always welcome to comment! Thank you for your sweet words and taking me back. I welcome all hugs, thank you. Hope you do too. 

August 2 

I finally ventured into Schwartz's No Bad Parts and read the introduction and first chapter I think. Let me say, I'm home. Really truly home with that book, his ideas. Everything about it. I'm ready and it's a green light. I give Hope67 credit for introducing me to his work, years ago through the forum, and I liked it then, but wasn't ready. I've gotten impatient with my slow progress, but see that unless every bit of myself is "on board" we go nowhere.

This is a unique and interesting time in my life. My choices to leave soul-sucking care-taking behind, to prioritize my health, to ask for help and get it, to set and maintain boundaries, to respect others' boundaries and their natural ebb and flow of connection has been an awakening. My mind has shown me I'm in the "right place" for the next steps of integration of memories, thoughts and feelings. My conclusion is that I had to feel safe enough to do so, and together with my T, and friends who have helped by cheering from the sidelines, it feels like more progress in the last year or so than the last 10-15.

Having a "relationship" has accelerated the process, because all my prior relationships and their toxic residue is firmly accessible now. Scary, scary things to navigate. Even there I recognize that certain aspects of our personalities are working in my favor. He's a self-proclaimed workaholic (true) and that fact alone gives me space to process. Working double shifts means I don't see or hear from him daily, and that's OK. At first it wasn't, now it is. Interesting to note, that he's slowly wanting that daily contact, In fact, I was shocked by getting TWO texts from him yesterday. I'm settling back to see his communication rhythms now.

The consequence of giving myself plenty of guilt free rest is that I'm reaching back into the old craft arsenal to revive braiding. I fixed a room blackout window shade by hand-sewing several yards, I've taken a jewelry hanger out to put on my beading table, instead of having my "work-in-progress" laying around on the surface. My papers are all filed away. My kitchen is clean. I've scanned a portion of a book I like and it's ready for printing. And it's MONDAY!

Jumping back to last Thursday. I had a wonderful conversation with one of the Campus Police officers. In the three years I've been at school, he's been a constant. They all are, but he's different. During one of our first conversations when I asked about his work before, he said he'd been working with sexual offenders. I watched him carefully so gauge his reactions, and I could tell it took a heavy toll. He's mentioned his kids briefly one daughter, one son, and his buttons nearly burst on his shirt with pride. He went through a period of limited work because his knee failed him. We joke and tease each other. During the entire last academic year, he (or others) were placed at the entrance, and we had to show our Campus Clear result to enter the building. In June that stopped that so I haven't seen him for a while.

So, last Thursday, I'm chilling at my favorite spot, which has HUGE windows overlooking the beautiful lawn at the main building. in an alcove and sitting at a high table which wasn't there before. (Lots of construction this summer and moving of stuff) I'm in heaven just like that. I turned and saw he was standing in the hallway, The biggest grin spread on my face, and his too. We just looked at each other for a minute. Then he came close and we talked. I told him I missed him, and the only way he could process that was to say, "Oh, because we're not at the entrance any more" (OK, I'll let you have that!) "Yup." End of the story is we had the best most, "intimate" conversation ever, I learned more about his family, particularly his son, and himself. I've never ever listened to a man speak so glowingly and with such love and admiration about his 17 year old. That knocked me out. It was great, and it served as a model for a real life parent-child affection.  warm and fuzzy.

[Armee]

This whole post makes me smile, Bee. I think you are a special person to strike up such a relationship with your campus police friend. And more good marks for "No bad parts"...I'm mentally filing that away for when I am ready. I'm so happy it is speaking to you now and that now is the right time for you.

Wow. Mr. B texting twice a day!

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Two texts in one day was the exception. 

August 3

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see a NP about my neck, I'm 100% sure a referral will be offered. Check off that task. Whew, then I can schedule with PT. Looking forward to seeing my favorite person. She's been practicing for over 30 years. I love her, even though sometimes she hurts me.  Last summer we had quite the schedule, I hope it will be maybe 2 times a week for 2 weeks, then go down to once.

I bought a funky frozen package of "fries" yesterday: carrots, parsnips and beets. All was well and good except on the final removal. I burned my finger in two places, bad enough to bandage and now blisters are forming. That's OK. I have discovered a "miracle cure" in the form of Yes to Avocado's Eye Cream. Yes, eye cream. It's horribly expensive $10 for 0.5 oz. but some things you just gotta DO. I originally got it to put on the nose bridge surgical scar, and it works for food allergy hives too! Woo hoo! It took away the sensitivity and redness is at a minimum.

In other news, I finished a pair of earrings for my friend on housing staff. We aren't supposed to give presents. Too bad! They had a bath in floor polish to stiffen them up and are drying very nicely on my counter. An experimental earring I made using larger beads will be a pendant, and I'm braiding the necklace now. Since 8 I've finished almost 14 inches!!!! I guess I missed braiding.

I'm stepping back from letting my life revolve around "B". I can see and feel myself withdrawing. Some of it is due to "inappropriate" comments/behavior, some of it is due to the fact that there are 4 people in our relationship: a long since separated spouse, a deceased significant other, plus the two of us. We unfortunately started out our relationship with his grief. The fact that he has hung on to legal status, his unacknowledged feelings about a major player in his life, and the fact that he's really inconsistent with his communication are on the negative side. I've already had my "say" about the 2 week dangling, and I just can't get too psyched up for a new or another "respect my boundaries" talk.

We'll see how life evolves, but I'm not gonna put up with any Closest thing I could find to a word that wouldn't be permitted. Think cow pasture, dog park, bat caves. 

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
Sorry to hear that you've burned yourself on that pack of 'fries' - the avocado eye cream sounds good though.  I have been using one of the Vaseline products called 'Intensive Care Aloe Soothe Body Lotion' (which happens to be a lot cheaper than your eye cream) - and I think it's really good at soothing.  Maybe it's something in aloe that does it.  Maybe the eye cream is more potent though, I don't know.  My bottle of body lotion has 200ml and I've been able to buy it for about £3, as it's on a special offer sometimes.

I'm glad you're not putting up with any    - whatever happens for you and "B", I hope that you are ok!

I hope that your appointment to see the NP about your neck goes ok.
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the sympathy and caring comments on the burn and the tip for the Intensive Care Aloe Soothe lotion Hope.  I'll check that out today. It's great finding products that work, which agree with the pocketbook. Surprisingly, the burn is healing at record rate, and I'm fine. The "B" issue has shifted from foreground to background as I've processed more during the past couple of days.

August 4

SERENDIPITY!  

SO! The act of braiding the cotton on my foam Kumihimo disk did wonders for my neck and shoulders! Wowsa! I didn't time myself, but I did throw myself into it, making small gentle movements with both arms, by rotating, and probably logged in about 3 hours total. Each session maybe an hour or less. The braid is a yard long, and I'm shopping today for beads to make a custom bail to attach my pendant. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected those repetitive motions to be a plus. But they WERE! The edge of the pain is definitely gone, and I can rotate my neck in one direction farther than before. A great discovery for me since chronic is in my vocabulary.

My sleep is starting to assume stability. I'm back to my 6 AM wake up, but it's all good. I'm able to control my thoughts better with partial awakenings and no longer spend hours and hours "trying" to fall asleep. I've allowed myself plenty of time in bed to process and rest, and I think it's all paying off now.

Last night I found a forum where people were talking about "when IFS goes wrong" and what a wake up call. I still want to read and learn, but the intention of buying the book today is on hold. I intuitively know it has value for me and yesterday reached out to a local practitioner to find out about eligibility. The thought of starting over with a new T and paying a lot gives me pause. I like my T, but I'm a bit boxed in to therapy in general because of my deafness and my being covered under their low income program, so I pay nothing. I've wanted to break out for years, even willing to drive to Canada to do so! Nothing fits so far.

"B" had wanted me to go away with him for vacation for 5-7 days. I challenged that with pragmatism, he countered with the fact that he had 2 state licenses and that was my "background check." He encouraged me to check him out. So I did. Keep in mind here I spent over a decade in public record research, all legit, banks and insurance companies rely on it. And what I found was way, way worse that what I imagined. Not in terms of criminal behavior, but financial irresponsibility. I discovered he's had a long history of judgments, state tax warrants and a sizable federal tax lien.  I know the reason for some of it, but the record unfortunately speaks for itself.

I am not a model of virtue, but financially, I've made choices repeatedly to keep it clean. Solvency and a high FICO score mean CHOICES! Housing in particular. This is one subject that rules my life.  It wasn't always this way, I've had some close calls early in my life.  The journey from earning to disability to Social Security and bi-annual checks from agencies to verify my income has been bruising.  Apologies to anyone reading this who finds this offensive. It's me and this is my journal! 

I decided to go with the flow today. Our building management sent out a notice that we had to wear masks in common areas, again. OK, I'm glad. Masks mean it's back to struggling daily, so I sat down and made a pin, which I am wearing right now. I printed out two lines: Hello! I am a lipreader. Masks are a problem. This was taped onto cardboard. I glued a pin back onto it, then taped that down also. I feel like a 5 year old who's wearing a tag. That's OK, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Time to go pack the backpack and get on the road. Everyone have a good day. Peace be with you. 

Afternoon update:

Success! Referral acquired. AND (gasp) she ordered an x-ray of my neck. Within 30 minutes I went to a walk in practice and it was over and done, with parking paid too! This is my day! Returned a tube of beads and bought some beading thread people have raved about. Will compare and decide then. Bypassed the food store, and came right how. No fast food on the way. Those $$$ are for a new used car.

One addendum to the morning's post about money. The men that I've been involved with all had a fatal flaw; inability to handle money. It still stings. To his credit "B" has paid for small amounts of food and been generous with me.  Still in the honeymoon stage though. Probably won't get past this point.

[Armee]

I think it is wise to be alert to these red flags. Good for you, Bee.

I'm pulling for you with the neck pain and hope it dissipates quickly. But thats very cool that doing some repetitive that you love ended up loosening it.

I wish keeping safe didn't cut off one of your main ways of communicating with people.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee,

I've paid the price, literally for ignoring red flags. Especially the belief that I could change someone. 

My x-ray results are in: Mild arthritis, disc space narrowing and facet arthropathy. The good news?  No acute fractures or malalignment.  Thanks for recognizing the ongoing trials of the deaf population. 

I tried out my new thread, and it's an improvement over the "other" thread. I'm making a custom bail for attaching the pendant to the necklace. It involves some tricky ladder stitch with bugle beads, (6mm). Not overjoyed, but using what I have. I wrapped one end of the braid to make a better fit into the hollow magnetic end cap. Used my favorite glue-GS Hypo Cement-messy stuff. Better than E-6000.  Another day to dip and dry, and sewing the whole thing together.  As I go on and on about this stuff, remember, it's part of a small business I have. Not that I'm selling now, but once upon a time I did classes and handouts. Making this braid, pendant and bail is a super sneaky way of getting back to my whole self. Once I'm in the groove with that, then I'll go on to making lined fabric zippered pouches. And at the end of this road, is continuing to make fabric "newsboy" style hats. More on that later.

This morning I was thinking about parts and a thought came to me about a victim part. Just that without anything else. One thing I've read from trauma authors is about re-victimization.  Yes, that's me. So I want to find out more about that subject and go wherever it leads.

I've requested Janina Fisher's book, her latest, and Richard Schwartz's book on IFS copyright 2020. My college library gets these for me, free. It takes a week or so. I'm going to approach this from an academic perspective. At least that's what I tell myself now. It may be just as hard to handle as first reading Pete Walker

I saw 7 women today:
1.  the medical assistant who did the preliminaries before the provider came in.
2.  the NP who listened to me and made the referral
3.  the check out person
4.  the Imaging check in person
5.  the imaging technician
6. the bead store staff
7. consignment store staff: who gave me a compliment on my little Lip reading sign! 

In each case, I made a small personal remark which they responded to. I either learned about their kids, their name pronunciation, their job, their opinion or their attitude towards making an extra communication efforts. It was very satisfying. When I came home, it was lonely.    My D filled in with some texts about sending me a book.

I bought a Christopher Banks shirt-$3.95 for a faded caramel beige jacket style with a fantastic "drape." It's airing out in the car. Google Meet appointment tomorrow with my T so catch up on life. I write notes to keep my agenda in mind.

[Armee]

I love this experiment of finding things to talk to people about. 

Will these test results for your neck help you get treatment? I hope so!

I really like Janina Fischer's stuff. Out of everything I've read hers is what makes me feel 100% understood. Like YES! That is exactly what is going on in here! Enjoy!

I think it's interesting that you do so much homework before trying something. I have a bit of trepidation about parts work too. I had been thinking...if (non-DID) parts are neural pathways that get activated under different triggering circumstances, is it reinforcing those pathways by doing parts stuff? But then I realized no. When doing that work untriggered, as the Self, It would probably be integrating discrete pathways into the whole network of neurons, which is the point. Then you wouldn't have these discrete disconnected networks anymore. But if you tried to do parts work in a triggered state that very well might reinforce the separation. Anyway just musings, I'm not a neuroscientist or psychologist! Sorry for the digression in your journal!

Your crafting is so fascinating to me. And I find myself wanting to ask questions but not wanting to pressure you into answering. But i enjoy reading about it because it's such a big part of your life!

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Feel free to ask questions about anything! I love sharing what I know because it helps people find joy.

I'm going to have to think about your post a bit. I get the main point, but want to look at it from different perspectives. Regarding neural pathway construction, strengthening, and formation-there's so much out there. I'm just starting on this now. At heart I'm an eternal student and in reality too. I go to college for "fun" and because I can audit for free.

I'm tuning into the free webinar today at 2:00 PM which is presented by The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (NICABM) Compassion Master series. I've got my confirmation mail with link.  I hope to hear/understand at least 50%.

My mirror came in for my car and will get that put on at 3PM.

The neck results only confirm my chief complaint. Neck pain. But it's comforting (?) to know the exact status and that I've had no fractures. 

[BeeKeeper]

August 6

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine webinars from yesterday and today have shifted my thinking in a profound way. I understand now why my self-help approach has yielded spotty results. Like most people, I have limited access to specific services which would help me, and therefore have chosen to pick and choose whatever I can tolerate or feels good at the moment. The experts who have participated in these webinars are the heavy hitters and big names within the trauma informed therapy niche. I've heard or read nearly half already.

This is my main take away today. There is a step by step process based on studies, clinical approaches and outcomes, negative and positive which show correlations between shame and self-compassion. If a person is steeped in shame, and there are many different manifestations, then they are not capable of engaging in or practicing self-compassion because there has to be a "bridge", "process" or education of what compassion means first. Once this is gained, then more opportunities open up for learning, drawing parallels and engaging in small or large steps.

This means you have to read and learn before you can actually "drive."  My own analogy. 

My heartfelt thanks to SigNature who posted about these free web offerings. 

afternoon update:

All my screenshots and notes are safely in their newly created Recovery folder from the webinar. I've made a list of authors, their respective group affiliations and highlighted my favorites. Just a note to Armee here about the question of activation and being triggered doing recovery work, with "parts" or otherwise. I like the questions and don't know the answers. I think there are answers, but may be a while before I can share any insights I have. The webinar held so much new information for me, I could only listen for 45 minutes instead of an hour.

So, with the new information I absorbed this morning, I'm noticing a really nice difference. I feel good, I'm doing stuff, I'm thinking differently about my boundaries, specifically WHEN things feel comfortable for me. In the mean time, I decided to take action on a long held desire: to make window cornices.

I scored 2 box ends from the college which held pricey 82 inch TV screens;  each are 6 feet long. I knew I had to use an Exacto blade to reshape, and the thought of that delayed me for 3 weeks. OK. I bit the bullet, told myself to go slowly, and managed to do one without incident. I see how I have to cover it to be light tight  at the back where it meets the wall and that's the first step. Whenever I use cardboard from packaging, it seems to retain it's odor. After I aired it out, that's minimized. One step forward.

[Armee]

Thank you for sharing this. I always felt really defective that I couldn't do self compassion.  It didn't even make sense and gave me very intrusive violent feelings of wanting to SH. When i can i'll take a look at the resources so I can learn how to create this bridge.

You don't need to give any answers to my musings on parts work! Those are just random musings that pop into my head. I like to understand things scientifically but I doubt that is a very useful way to approach things.

[BeeKeeper]

Hey Armee,

Compassion, and self-compassion can be complicated stuff. It's OK if it doesn't work for you. I thought I knew what it was all about, and it turns out I'm WRONG! Don't mind admitting it. After the briefest exposure to the core concepts, I'm interested to take it at a snail's pace and learn more.

Your musings intrigue me, so I won't feel a "should" about answering, although I still will think about it.

August 7

One of the concepts that was advanced by Deborah Lee was of a PERFECT NURTURER. This is apparently a strategy for bringing people to the table about self-compassion if they completely reject it and feel horrible. Since that's been one of my initial responses to Neff, I found the "Perfect Nurturer" meditation online. It's a little under 2 pages. This is from the Northern Illinois University.

https://www.niu.edu/horcutt/_pdf/perfect-nurture-meditation.pdf Food for thought.

The last couple of days have had "opportunities" for me to break out of my standard MO and do things differently. The first instance involved money, the second, setting a firm boundary.

My car mechanic and his staff are super accommodating to me, and never forget I'm deaf. The office staff texted me in advance about the exact cost of repair, breaking it down into parts and labor. At the time of payment, the bill was $40 more. The old me would have paid it, not said a word, and let it eat away at me, or resolved it later. I actually envisioned all those choices in my mind at the counter within about 30 seconds. I decided to be "casual" and say, "So, the cost of the part was more than you anticipated?" That lead to a second look on her part, some choices for resolution, and we both went away happy. The matter was concluded and it's out of my mind.

What is interesting about this is that money discrepancies (feeling cheated) are a major issue for me, and I get upset about differences even under a dollar!  I was able to remain cool, although uncomfortable, and try it a  new way.

The second issue involved clearly stating a boundary and a "condition" to my relationship with "B." It was about the extent of physical contact I allow and even more so, if that wasn't honored, then I would not be in the relationship. An ultimatum I guess. In the past, setting boundaries with ANYONE has taken me to a place of submission, where I had to justify and EXPLAIN all kinds of reasons. It's like defending a dissertation, over, and over again. I've seen how this strategy puts extra stress on me, and how it prolongs the entire process and cements those feelings of fear. Will they or won't they "hear me?"

Using my recent epiphanies from this spring and several people who drive me nuts, I decided, hey! what if I did this a completely different way? The shortest most succinct utterance? Could I do it? What would I say? Well, it turned out that the points I wanted to bring up fell perfectly into the method of Interpersonal Communication "requesting a change" script. Who knew knowledge could be so sneaky? Thank you Professor Warren.

I started with the reasons why I enjoyed the relationship and wanted it to continue. Then I went into my "problem", actually only 2 sentences, with no historical info or supporting examples!  No personal revelations! I followed up with my boundary.

I asked for permission to speak about it, (new!) and afterwards, solicited feedback. (new!) Turns out it was the shortest thing I ever said that had immediate, concrete results!  I have no "problem" to solve and I felt so good, I went for a walk later. Unbelievable.

[CactusFlower]

Bee, sounds like you had a lot of success with speaking up, congrats! And hey, it feels good to not get cheated out of money, doesn't it? I'm glad they were reasonable about. :hugs:

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Sage! Heck yeah  feels great being treated fairly.

August 8

Last night I had vivid, wild dream. The nightly prelude to falling asleep is telling myself I'm open to lessons and want to have meanings revealed. That's lucid dreaming. This wasn't that, but before I came out of the dream state completely, I was already analyzing and assigning meaning to things. Not sure what to call that...but what could have been a very disturbing experience turned out to be a "curious" one in which I see that some issues I thought were resolved, aren't!

This morning I attempted my routine a couple hours early, and then decided it was the perfect day for an experience. By that I mean going by myself to the scene of the house fire 46 years ago. I took the uniquely named road, and remembered many details on the way there. In order to give myself space, I drove by the final destination to an seasonal road (unpaved) and took that up until I saw what might have been the scene of a former commune. Now a regular house sits there. I doubled back and photographed neighboring property, and "the" property from a distance. Tall, luscious green cornstalks are bordering the house. New construction is nearby, 3 trees remain from the fruit orchard and a large pond has been added.

I saw a car leave the garage and thought it might be safe to drive closer to take photos. It was. I did, then left.

Mostly I noticed the isolation of the rural setting, and thought about a preference for a potential ******er to isolate both physically and mentally. In my youth, I only saw a lovely country setting, with all the elements of an artist's haven.

Other memories came up as I passed my extended family's property in another county, as well as a place where I regularly bought specialty hybrid flowering plants. To normalize everything, I purchased fresh apricots, blueberries and honey from a reputable garden market. I am making pancakes to finish off the morning.