Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Rainy  I came here to learn 7 years ago and it's gratifying that what I use here is good for others too. I believe I wouldn't be "as far" as I am without the forum. 

I've managed to accomplish all my little preliminary school related "tasks" today. More important than learning the current subject matter, is learning how to identify my own "left field" thoughts. For instance: I put a massive amount of effort into a video review which took me 4 days. The post before took me MUCH less time. And I was graded for the entire unit on the basis of the first post.  OK, OK. It's not necessary to make a touchdown. So, I'm going to see if the same thing happens.

The point being this, and I'm not ashamed, but kind of feeling something like silly, is that I told myself I was in it for the grades and to prove my ability to write again after 30 years.  . The point is to get attention and recognition.  Well, that's fine too. So I can knock a couple of expectations and delusions from my list of "strivings." My ultimate goal is to stop proving, PERIOD. That's so lofty though.

I've been watching some old TV, specifically Army Wives. Sometimes I feel a definite disconnect though, because I can't imagine a couple having a loving, long-term relationship, in which they overcome their problems and work out their differences. I've never seen it, never had it myself and well, I know it's all scripted, but even people on the forum are married or having supportive relationships. That makes me  and feeling left out. 

[sanmagic7]

bee, i wholeheartedly agree with your perspective on not being as far along as i am w/o the forum.  i've found you and others here to be supportive and encouraging when i've needed it the most.  besides that, i've gained newfound wisdom and ways to look at my situation.  to you and the others, i am profoundly grateful. 

to stop 'proving' is indeed a lofty thought to those of us who have been stuck in its loop for however long.  little by little, right?  you're not alone in this.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

A big hug to you for those feelings of being left out on the relationship front. That hurts and you deserve to have that.

Its interesting you say you had an epiphany about transference as it happens outside therapy too. I don't remember what I was reading a day or two ago but it was about how female student to male professor relationships become sexualized because of our culture and how we interpret strong feelings of admiration between the sexes. The article talked about the norm being to idolize teachers and mentors but for men/boys that gets interpreted in a nonsexual way whereas for woman it gets interpreted differently. I thought that was interesting.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, I appreciate the thoughts on differences with transference between men and women. I agree that most interpretations in current day society are sexualized, which is too bad because it leaves other useful lessons in the dust. I am the first to admit past male/female therapeutic transference had a large dose of overt sexuality, but I actually see it as a symptom of CSA. But anyway. What I figured out is it had to do with my F's expectations of me. I was his "favorite" because I was so much like him. 

In this case, it fit with parental expectations, especially of being "smart." To be stupid or dumb was an average condition which merited no special favors or recognition. My F was a brilliant engineer, severely impaired with non-existent social skills. It might be because he was raised by an alcoholic, and a strange unknowable mother. Point is that numbers, logical thinking, scientific principles were  the cat's meow. whereas anything with emotions or emotional intelligence went completely unseen.

At some point in my life, I suspect after shouting matches at the kitchen table with algebra and geometry "help" I decided to seek approval for "smartness." And that has persisted to this day. I don't want to be just "good", but "excellent." Leave no stone un-turned in the superhuman effort. I've made my own problems and suffering because of it. However, with knowledge comes understanding and then change.

Sept 8

I functioned very well yesterday, despite my early 3 AM start time. I wrote out my homework, posted it and then prepared for today. My T and I talked first thing (9AM) and she explained my unexpected revenge filled temporary reaction to the State Police purge notice was very normal and understandable. Seeing that I couldn't have "closure" through impartial means, I took my anger out of the closest nearest thing, his pitiful existence. But reason prevailed and I took no action.
She also mentioned that I might have to actually speak the words to Barry to leave me alone, stop trying to engage, etc. Or I could continue with my present course, demonstrating through non-verbals and body language, I have no interest. I am invisible. I'll mull that over.

PT is not going well. So, we are both backing off. That's a relief, but brings with it some acceptance which is difficult to embrace.

The best thing that happened today was seeing my favorite campus police officer when I drove into the restricted lot. I forget what I call him. He's the one with kids. Anyway, after a little banter, he called me over to his vehicle to show me a picture of his 17 year old son, who is taking body building and self-care to a high level. He had "before and after" pictures.
In the before photo could be any teen taking a selfie in the mirror. I noticed how incredibly cute he was! The after photo, looks like someone applied a filter, but even so, every single ab muscle was clearly defined and visible. Whoa Nelly. I accused him of getting a fake photo from Twitter or IG, and he swore, SWORE, up and down it was real. OMG. He said the transformation took place over 2 years and then started talking about himself, when he was younger.  The true purpose of this exchange.

I am old enough to be this guy's mother, but still is was sweet of him to want to share with me. I told myself it showed trust, and it did. It's taken a number of years to get to this point. It also left me with a smile on my face for a while.  I'm not the only one who wants and needs "attention."

[Armee]

That exchange with the campus police is so sweet sounding. He needed a "mom" to be proud of him like he is proud of his son. You were very kind to provide him that opportunity.

It sounds like you need to aim to get straight Bs...or gasp...even Cs!!!!

But it totally makes sense now to me (not that you need me or anyone else to get it, when you understand so well) why you push yourself so hard in your classes.

Anger seems very appropriate to me at the whole situation with the files. Anger at the system for not keeping them, for making you work so hard just to find out they don't exist, and of course toward the person who committed the violence in the first place.

And big but gentle hugs only if you want them for what you wrote about transference and CSA. Makes a lot of sense. 

[BeeKeeper]

  Armee, I can be that "Mom"

At first reading, this did not compute:

It sounds like you need to aim to get straight Bs...or gasp...even Cs!!!!

OMG, it took a minute to get it. Very funny!

I like to see myself as the calm, cool, collected evolved Buddhist like elder, who has achieved a state of partial enlightenment, where the pain of everyday life doesn't touch me. I'm really good at imagining things! So when anger explodes without my knowledge or consent, I'm "shocked, just shocked"  at the raw emotion.

Yep, especially anger at the system for making me work so hard to find out they don't exist. I tried to shortcut that process by asking a county admin what the "cut off' was in record keeping, but as expected, was totally ignored. Shortcut is not a word in bureaucratic vocabulary.

[Armee]

At first reading, this did not compute:

It sounds like you need to aim to get straight Bs...or gasp...even Cs!!!!

OMG, it took a minute to get it. Very funny!

I actually am quite serious about that. If you wanted to be free of this feeling that you HAVE to be smart and excel....the cure is to NOT do that and see everything is still ok. You'd still be likeable  to the professor and a joy to have in class. Maybe you'd even want to tell the professors what you are doing and why.

[BeeKeeper]

Believe it or not, I rationally considered this Armee, and I may just do exactly that!  I think he'd be wholeheartedly "in."

[sanmagic7]

i totally relate to what you wrote, bee, about having to excel at everything.  i also grew up with the idea that being 'average' or even 'good'  (getting C's or B's) was not acceptable, and i had to do a lot of work at being ok with just being me, no matter what the results of my efforts were.  it was like my F's voice was in my head most of my life about this.  dang, it's a tough one.  it's been harder to be average, a regular person, than excelling at things.  these old messages die hard, but, yeah, the trauma and expectations from them die even harder.

good luck with the process.  i completely support you with this.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I relate, too, Bee and know how hard it is to not push your hardest to excel. It would be going against decades of how you've survived!

I also think...KNOW....you are more than worthwhile just being you, no matter how smart or hardworking you are or are not. It's an honor to "know" you, Bee.

[BeeKeeper]

Aw Armee.  yep. Resistance is currently not exactly futile, but I have to get out a pick axe to chip away every day.

san, yes, I still "hear" the voice in terms of thoughts, relentless, and ever-looping.  And yes, the expectations do die hard, if they die at all. But in the past couple years, I've made tiny, microscopic baby step progress, so I think something is better than nothing.

Well, I had my Eureka moment for the day, week and possibly month, although we're only 9 days into it. I speak to myself out loud at times when I realize something totally obvious, those words are: "Hello brain!" I know that is judgemental, sarcastic and full or irony, but I prefer to focus on the humorous aspect which is "wakey, wakey!"

I think I've said before that there is a paved level walking path around the building property and I am starting to embrace it. Multiple laps, which help me realize my 1.5 mile daily goal. And the fact is scientifically proven that when you walk, your brain has a better ability to "solve problems." My problem was not even conscious, but rolling around about transference and my seemingly inexplicable gravitation towards a certain person. I've spent a considerable amount of time on it, and instinctively "knew" there was a kernel missing.

Thanks to my current module on Plato and his philosophy principles, the word Platonic jumped out of the laptop screen and slapped me across the face!

Alrighty then! The missing link, the person who has been "forgotten" all these years. He still lives in my scrapbooks and photo albums so he isn't lost, but we haven't spoken in 20 years. He's married now and happy. A small part sings out like Gladys Knight, "it should have been me!"

Bottom line, we were soulmates for a time, briefly friends with benefits, but most importantly all the things about him helped me "get through" a horrendous portion of life, and despite my failures and all that, he loved me anyway! So many qualities overlap with my current situation, I finally am peaceful about resolving it, because I can move it from shame based "ewwww" to comfort based "OK."

A lot of people have stepped into my life at various times, and to those who showed me their best, and also appreciated mine,  I thank you. 

[BeeKeeper]

Sept 10

I took a risk today and met via Zoom with my instructor.  I learned some behind the scenes things, which caused him to send out the e-mail reprimand last weekend. Surprisingly it had to do with me, because I was the recipient of inappropriate behavior by one guy that consistently  "targets" my posts to find inaccuracies or question my reasoning. It did raise a subtle flag, which I couldn't fully identify. I feel the instructor protects me/others by intercepting poor "comportment" and sets a high standard.

Today is pretty good. I'm out walking before 8 in the AM, and that seems to start things off much better than hanging out in bed. The SSRI has worn off, and the world is still spinning, I haven't done anything unusual except abandon my kitchen cleanliness routine. My dreams are not so vivid, and I remember more when I wake up. Time perception seems to be more normal, instead of slow motion. I'm back to spending a lot of time with my hands in my hair, but not pulling it out. I've devised an alternate substitute behavior that sometimes works. I will reserve the possibility that if life takes a turn and I find myself seeing only gray that I'll reassess.

After I view the last 2 hours of lectures and take an online test, I hope to mellow out with my sewing and serging curtains for a couple of days. I've concluded, once again, that I'm trying to do too much, which is evidenced by my creative mess. Like all reformed people, I periodically come to a point where recognize if I want simplicity, I have to let something go. And then proceed, blithely on my over-committed way to do the same things over and over. But I also feel that I'm ready to make changes, because if I want it different, I have to DO it different. One simple act would be to get rid of my variety of knitting needles. That closes the door to knitting!

Memory is the biggest area which the SSRI affected. Short and long term. It opened all the compartment doors and let everyone and everything out to mingle and mix. That caused a lot of chaos for a time, but all that has settled down now.

I sometimes have ideas about people and behavior which I never considered before. One of these is about the arsonist. I think I finally realized how he "could do that." The reality is he has probably never had a coherent, unified thought which connected to feelings in his life. Not his fault exactly being raised by this stoic, cold parents. Adding fuel to the fire, he was firmly entrenched in a religious cult/belief which permeated my FOO. It tended to separate (dissociate) feelings from the body, reality etc. and I now see the act of fire starting as the ONLY time in which he probably came together in body and spirit. Not that I agree it was the right thing to do, but I can see (metaphorically) the intense rage, desire for revenge, hatred of ex wives, and desire for power and control in that one act. So, he did it and he wasn't sorry in his heart. And that's what makes it more pitiful than ever.

[sanmagic7]

risks, realizations, and healthy physical behaviors - you go!  i know my brain feels good after a walk, while my body becomes energized after a workout w/ weights.  the mind/body connection, right?  i love it!  i've also discovered along the way that when i'm doing something physical for myself, my mind is calmer and i have less inclination to eat too much or the unhealthier options.  so, good vibes all around.

so glad the ssri's have worn off.  i'm guessing even the memory stuff will right itself after some time has passed. 

fire-starting is a complicated behavior, as you pointed out.  a lot of negativity behind it, and, as you mentioned, from more than one source.

i think you're doing great.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

[Armee]

It's heartbreaking, and terrifying, what you wrote about the arsonist. Having such hatred and desire to control and overpower is really scary.  I'm so glad you are OK, Bee. 

It's also a really interesting realization you came to, about feelings and actions actually aligning in that moment, perhaps the only moment that happened. It gives me a huge cement block in my gut taking all that in right here and now.

But then lightening it...knowing that your professor was looking out for you, and other students. 💛

Noticing your hands in your hair and having an acceptable substitute to pulling it is such a great path to be on. Even if we falter a little, once we can catch it and have the strength to stop, when we can, and do something else...that's healing. 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

oops, just lost a whole paragraph. 

I'm sorry my post had the effect it did. I should have put up a warning. In fact, I'll do so now.

TW AHEAD; graphic thoughts about religious trauma and if you're feeling wobbly, stop reading now.

That thought came up last night, and it had the potential to send me to a bad place, but paradoxically, the way it fell together felt so right like two puzzle pieces I've been working on forever, finally matched. I've thought a lot  about my religious upbringing and my family's total embrace of it, (except my F) that I've hesitated to "name" it, for fear there are some adherents on the forum and I will be attacked or shunned.

I believe that this religion destroyed whatever chance I could have had (left) for a normal life. Being raised by a damaged  mentally ill M, going to a boarding school sponsored by this religion, marrying a man who got his identity from that religion, spending 25 years with my stepsister, who was also raised in that religion and tormented me for years.  I finally said goodbye to everyone and everything affiliated in 2015.  It's insidious and incredibly horrendous because it has elements of Normal Vincent Peale's Power of Positive Thinking, the Secret's philosophy, abundance mindset from New Age writings, and finding your purpose through an unknowable and mysterious "God"-the latter being some basic theocratic ideas from ancient Egypt.

I briefly went to mainstream Divinity school 10 years ago and after one semester, I donated ALL my Bibles afterward, attended a non denomination church as a safety net and auditory training ground, but haven't stepped foot in one for 3 years. I even asked my instructor today if he had heard of or had any experience with the denomination and he said, "no." That closes off that avenue for discussion.   

To top it all off, the history class I took in spring triggered me when we came to the study of medieval times- all the top beliefs of that religion were in stark view. I attempted to engage my instructor, but he passed. Point being, all these toxic things are historically based from antiquity, and they morph into different flavors, depending on the "founder" or even government in power. Yes, Government.

I found 1 solitary book during the summer that had been written by a survivor, and did a little reading without acquiring the book. I made me nauseous and hit me so hard, I couldn't take in more than 20 pages, max. Just too much. But it was all there, in excruciating detail. Think of the urge to continually throw up, cringe and SH, all at the same time. (sorry  it's real)

It's probably obvious to readers who "know" me that this subject is a hot button. Yes, it will always be so.

This is what I don't want, or need.
Guesses as to which denomination, scolding for rejection the divine, platitudes of any kind. If you feel the urge to do that, pass it up. Let's remember we have all been hurt by things which only a small portion of the population has been and unless you've walked any distance in my shoes, you'll meet me with compassion and not judgement.

thanks to the friends who are still with me