I cannot.....

[Gromit]

I feel I only come on here when I feel bad. Sometimes I don't come because I don't know if the mess I am in is due to CPTSD or not but I feel my relationship with my husband is. I don't know how to relate and I don't feel he is that good at it either.

I think it all got dysfunctional when I first got pregnant, although it may have been before that. Our DS is now 18 and considering university. My husband said he would pay accommodation costs for him. Now he is bringing it up with me, as he meant 'we' would pay this.  He pays for everything, I have a small business, iI don't earn much, and occasional work in a school. I did get something from the COVID support for businesses. I pay for my car repairs etc and I pay for odd stuff like bedding which he thinks magically appears and some of the kids stuff, which, again, he doesn't know about. I remember he insisted I give up child support as he earns too much for me to have it any more. So, every so often he asks me to contribute, without saying how much and I feel tested and shameful because I am not earning, contributing. But then, I think about how he has always insisted that I take the kids to school and collect them, even when they are 18! I have turned down work because of this.

Now he is saying he wants to retire in 5 years and there won't be so much money. We have no mortgage.
I know he resents the fact that he pays for everything, even though he has always earned so much more than I ever could.

Plus I kind of wonder why he promises so much to our son, he bought him a car, supporting him at university, I was at university when I became pregnant with our son. I never returned or finished because I didn't have the support to do so, and then universities started charging fees so I could not afford it anyway.
It is not as if he went to university himself, or had support, like me he was out working once he finished school.

I know it is a mess with no one knowing how to talk to anyone else, and I don't know the answers except I must start paying my way. Maybe I just need someone to read my ramble.

G

[Armadillo]

Hugs if you'd like? 

It does sound like there's some conversations to have. I'm not sure if it is true for you but sometimes my own brain makes me feel guilty and see my husband being disappointed in me when it really is the PTSD talking and I'm just making myself feel bad. I wonder if your husband really is upset you don't contribute as much?

[Gromit]

Hugs if you'd like? 

It does sound like there's some conversations to have. I'm not sure if it is true for you but sometimes my own brain makes me feel guilty and see my husband being disappointed in me when it really is the PTSD talking and I'm just making myself feel bad. I wonder if your husband really is upset you don't contribute as much?

Thanks, hugs are needed.
There has been the odd angry outburst, like when I was annoyed at being disturbed trying to edit a YouTube version of my class in Lockdown. He said, 'well that doesn't pay the bills, I do'. Some people did Zoom classes in Lockdown,
I didn't feel able to, so I made some videos for the people in the classes I could not run.

He just does not see the things I do contribute or pay for. I think he got a glimpse when I was away in hospital with the youngest, he wanted me to commute there instead of staying.
G

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry. Yeah sounds like it isn't you being hard on yourself. And like you are contributing a ton. I wish you were being appreciated.   

[Blueberry]

  to you Gromit. I read your post. That remark "that doesn't pay the bills, I do" - yuck. If your H has an issue with the amount he's paying, it would be good to say so at a time when you can both discuss it. I don't think there's a law stating that anything you do must bring in money, especially when you have a little business. ime there's always this or that which doesn't lead to money directly but sometimes indirectly.

[Gromit]

Thanks to all that commented, I have had a chat about this with him. Bizarrely, he has been giving me money since we had the kids, 'because he doesn't want me to be destitute'.  He also bought me a new iPad after I had said mine was getting obsolete, it was no longer compatible with so many things.

Yes, I know there is more to life than money, and so much I do cannot be measured in those terms, and, therefore, it is not valued, until it disappears. His issues seem to come to the surface when he is unexpectedly challenged, like him finding out he suddenly has to pay for something he offered to pay for, or me standing up for myself.