It's been 2 weeks since I've heard a peep

Armadillo · May 25, 2021, 06:26:53 AM

I'm looking for insight from those who have gone through this, though I know we are all different.

I have ended up somewhere between low and no contact with my mom (BPD, bipolar, anxiety, depression) this year. I've been here before, where I was mostly out of contact but I would honor some special occasions and respond to some texts, but got sucked back in when she was diagnosed with cancer a second time, stage iv a couple years ago.

Since early this year it's been almost no contact aside from a weekly text thread when I check to see if she needs anything. (She lives alone). I stopped doing that a few weeks ago when she started intentionally pushing her Philip's lifeline button to get a rise out of us and when that didn't work told us she was getting rid of her once a week aide we insisted she get when she was discharged from the hospital. Again to freak us out, get us to fret and tell her what she should do so she could ignore it and then drop hints about how she's struggling.

I'm realizing tonight it's been 2 weeks since I've heard a peep from her. The last message was a clipped reply from me to questions she had about the kids and I included a picture of them for her which she often asks for as text message conversation currency with others.

I'm not sure what I am feeling. I don't want to interact with her, I don't want text messages or phone calls. And yet I feel this weird sadness or emptiness.

I don't expect her to try to repair anything or change, she doesn't have the capacity for that, at all. And I know I can't be engaged in her life at all without becoming sick and dissociated with worry about her self-neglect and attempts to scare us and push us away and pull us in and split us.

So...what is this feeling? I should be relieved. I normally would be panicking but that's not what is happening either, weirdly. Is this just a normal stage? I'm guessing it's a form of grief? But that just feels weird! I sobbed when I found out she wasn't dying a few months ago!

Explain oh wise OOTS members!

Kizzie · May 25, 2021, 05:06:01 PM

I have a similar strange relationship with and feelings about my NM Armadillo. It is a mixed up feeling that isn't easy to live with.

What I've learned that helps is I feel as I do because I am a good, decent person who still cares about my M's well-being, but refuse to be sucked in by the N antics because then I will suffer again. It's a bit of a balancing act emotionally speaking but really it's the best I can do in the circumstances. I like that I do still care despite the abuse. I don't want revenge, I just want to be free of all the N behaviour while knowing she is well and has the support she needs. Maybe your feelings relate to wanting to know, despite everything, that she is well and safe because you are a good person?

Mine lives in an assisted living seniors residence and that makes things so much better for her and us. Is there any chance your M would consider this versus living alone? It takes the onus off you and means she is safe and cared for 24/7.

Armadillo · May 25, 2021, 06:42:59 PM

Thanks! This makes perfect sense. I know she isn't safe, it's not good for me to check on her, so yeah I think you are 100% right. If she were at assisted living I could probably be in a different mental state. And no, she won't go until it is non-negotiable. She won't even put in a hand rail on her concrete steps and she falls all the time. Thanks for sharing the wisdom. This does help me settle the feelings instead of being confused and anxious by them.

Kizzie · May 26, 2021, 04:44:01 PM

They are so difficult aren't they but it is their choice in the end. My M went willingly fortunately because my F needed medical care, but my H and his S had to put their M in a care facility but that took until she was diagnosed with dementia to do so. It was not a pleasant in the least because she did have a PD layered on top with the dementia.

I do believe there is some info here about caring for aging parents who are abusive/dysfunctional so I'll have a look and post some links if/when I find it.

So sorry you are dealing with this Armadillo, I understand how exhausting, frustrating and triggering it can be.

Kizzie · May 26, 2021, 04:45:20 PM

Founbd it - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14252.0. Hope some of it is helpful.

Blueberry · May 26, 2021, 08:48:16 PM

Quote from: Armadillo on May 25, 2021, 06:26:53 AM
I'm not sure what I am feeling. I don't want to interact with her, I don't want text messages or phone calls. And yet I feel this weird sadness or emptiness.

...And I know I can't be engaged in her life at all without becoming sick and dissociated with worry about her self-neglect and attempts to scare us and push us away and pull us in and split us.

So...what is this feeling? I should be relieved. I normally would be panicking but that's not what is happening either, weirdly. Is this just a normal stage? I'm guessing it's a form of grief? But that just feels weird! I sobbed when I found out she wasn't dying a few months ago!

It sounds as if you're clear on what you know and what you want.

Maybe not panicking means you've reached more clarity than you used to have? You know there's no reason to panic? Feelings don't react to logical thoughts, they have their own ways and they're not 'wrong' they just are the way they are. Maybe relief will come later, but before that you have to go through something else? I went through a grieving phase about my F who was/is emotionally abusive and also 'looked the other way' a lot while others abused. My T says grief isn't just sadness, it can be any feelings you have left about somebody who is no more or a relationship which is no more. I mean, my F is still alive but I'm pretty sure I'll never see him again because he is too unsafe combined with too far away geographically. That realisation made me grieve. You can also grieve what was not there e.g. a loving, caring FOO.

Armadillo · May 26, 2021, 09:12:08 PM

Thanks you Kizzie and Blueberry.

Armadillo · May 28, 2021, 02:22:11 AM

I heard a peep and it makes me want to puke. She ended it with "I miss you."

I'm not sure what I'm going to do...try to see if I can handle interacting once a month, keep being passively disengaged, or tell her why I can't have a relationship with her.

I thought what I was supposed to do was to explain why and not just ghost her but I couldn't figure out how that works out for anyone.

Anyway for now I'll just keep up the passive thing. I curtly answered some but not all of her questions and didn't engage with the "I miss you" part.

Blueberry · May 28, 2021, 09:28:05 AM

Quote from: Armadillo on May 28, 2021, 02:22:11 AM
I'm not sure what I'm going to do...or tell her why I can't have a relationship with her.

I thought what I was supposed to do was to explain why and not just ghost her but I couldn't figure out how that works out for anyone.

ime: 'Explain why and not ghost' is only possible towards emotionally-healthy people who are not going to pull you back into their games and guilt trips etc. Otherwise you'll probably end up back in the FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. Or some other place which isn't good for you.

Some people really don't want to know why, e.g. my FOO. I've tried to explain before, far too often in fact. You have probably tried too.

Armadillo · May 28, 2021, 04:14:46 PM

Thanks blueberry.

That's what I needed to hear

Kizzie · May 28, 2021, 04:32:04 PM

I wonder Armadillo if there is a social agency you could get in touch with, tell them what's going on and set up wellness checks by them? That helps with the safety/health/wellness issues so you don't have to be deal with any of that. Up to you about how open you want to be about this being a boundary and that you will not be involved with her to any great extent.

As BB said, not being emotionally healthy she will continue to try and drag you back in, but this might be one way of making sure she does have care and is checked on while you work on establishing and maintaining more distance.