Finally starting to put the shame back where it belongs

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goblinchild

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Finally starting to put the shame back where it belongs
« on: February 09, 2021, 08:56:05 PM »
With my parents.
I've been carrying around their insecurities and incompetance thinking they were my own inalienable traits for SO LONG.

I'm still not all the way there, but I think I can see the forest for the trees. I think I can see the confidence in my anger. I feel like Sisyphus rolling a bolder uphill but I think I'm starting to see that the things I've been so ashamed of and thought of as shortcomings came from them and how utterly incompetent and neglectful they were at raising a child- and also life in general. All I've ever done in life is try to fix these problems without the right tools. I put in so much effort and so many tears without any real direction, as a child, and they couldn't even address their own mistakes? I'm not the incompetent one.

I can't say it and mean it all the time yet, but when I'm given half a chance I seem to be pretty hard-working. I seem to try harder than others before giving up, and have a bit of resilience when things are difficult. I, as a person, even in my coping mechanisms, exhibit traits that don't line up with all this shame and blame. I'm definitely not the one who messed up a whole dang kid and then blamed the kid and guiltily hid away the evidence.

I know this post kind of sounds like a downer, I'm feeling some sadness and anger for myself, but I'm also feeling more tenacious and confident then I have in a while. Hopeful, I guess, that all these negative parts of myself that feel branded into my personality might scrub off after all. After all this time. It's bitter-sweet. I wonder who I am underneath all of that.

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notalone

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Re: Finally starting to put the shame back where it belongs
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2021, 12:41:07 AM »
Beginning to put the shame where it belongs seems like significant growth and hopeful.

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blues_cruise

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Re: Finally starting to put the shame back where it belongs
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2021, 02:44:34 PM »
I put in so much effort and so many tears without any real direction, as a child, and they couldn't even address their own mistakes? I'm not the incompetent one.

So, so true. You've no doubt carried a lot of shame that was never rightfully yours to have to bear.

I'm definitely not the one who messed up a whole dang kid and then blamed the kid and guiltily hid away the evidence.

It's a positive step to not only acknowledge but really feel that truth. It's one thing to inflict dysfunction and abuse upon a child in the first place and I think it's another thing entirely to then never own it and deny any responsibility. I think it's so cowardly. By placing the blame where it belongs and confronting these issues you are doing the brave, hard work that allows you to feel more confident and in charge of who you want to be and how you want to live your life.  :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Finally starting to put the shame back where it belongs
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2021, 05:30:35 PM »
Definitely not a downer in my books goblinchild, it's exciting you've come to this life affirming realization. It never was you, it was them and you didn't do a thing to bring it on yourself and deserved much better  :yes:    :thumbup:      :hug:

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smindia1981

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Re: Finally starting to put the shame back where it belongs
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2021, 11:15:52 AM »
With my parents.
I've been carrying around their insecurities and incompetance thinking they were my own inalienable traits for SO LONG.


I'm still not all the way there, but I think I can see the forest for the trees. I think I can see the confidence in my anger. I feel like Sisyphus rolling a bolder uphill but I think I'm starting to see that the things I've been so ashamed of and thought of as shortcomings came from them and how utterly incompetent and neglectful they were at raising a child- and also life in general. All I've ever done in life is try to fix these problems without the right tools. I put in so much effort and so many tears without any real direction, as a child, and they couldn't even address their own mistakes? I'm not the incompetent one.

I can't say it and mean it all the time yet, but when I'm given half a chance I seem to be pretty hard-working. I seem to try harder than others before giving up, and have a bit of resilience when things are difficult. I, as a person, even in my coping mechanisms, exhibit traits that don't line up with all this shame and blame. I'm definitely not the one who messed up a whole dang kid and then blamed the kid and guiltily hid away the evidence.

I know this post kind of sounds like a downer, I'm feeling some sadness and anger for myself, but I'm also feeling more tenacious and confident then I have in a while. Hopeful, I guess, that all these negative parts of myself that feel branded into my personality might scrub off after all. After all this time. It's bitter-sweet. I wonder who I am underneath all of that.

@goblinchild
Your post makes me glad, sad and angry, all at the same time.
Glad that the entire aspect of shame finally found its home.
Sad that it happened in the first place.
And angry because the same thing happened to me.
And I continue to struggle with shame so insidious, so pervasive, that I don't even realise.
I am good at so many things and yet I struggle to keep routine and so many other things that come easy to everyone else it seems.
But just like your recognition of your shame that was put there, I also found out the shame was instilled in my by my parents.
I am so very proud of you. It must be so hard for you.
I wish it never happens to anyone.
I pray, may you find more healing and peace and resolution of your pain, just as I seek for mine.
🙏