Maybe i don't know what it looks like....

[CactusFlower]

Got asked a great question. "How can I be kind to myself today?" At first, I thought, oh good idea, I'll find something nice and fun. then, as I thought about options, I found myself dismissing them one by one for various reasons. I realized I do this a LOT. If it's something for myself and not really a "need", then I often overthink all the options and get overwhelmed and end up choosing nothing and being depressed.

Example: Recently, my bro gave me a gift card for my birthday. I was excited to spend it. Then everything I started to look at on wish lists and stuff, I was thinking things like "I don't really need that" or "Is that really worth the price" or "Eh, I'm not sparking joy about it or whatever." I ended up talking to my therapist about just picking something. I did end up getting a lovely tea set I wanted and I'm very happy with it. But it took DAYS to get to the point of deciding what to spend it on.

And this morning, the being kind to myself. I thought "Oh, I'll get some snacks in a grocery delivery." Stopped myself when I saw the delivery fee had gone up. Then thought "I have a face mask sheet, I can pamper myself." Then thought I don't feel like laying around with it on. Then thought "I can watch videos or play video games." Aaaaaaaand I do that normally, so how is that anything different? I don't feel like going anywhere and I can't think of anything that sounds both doable and interesting. (especially without spending money) I can feel this spiraling and it's likely to devour my whole day. yet I'll end up doing nothing and feel guilty about that. (This is totally not the asker's fault, I'm just now recognizing what I do as a pattern.)

UGH! It's even more frustrating now that I can see the pattern.

[Armadillo]

Ack! Being kind to yourself is unkind!!!! I feel a little bad. I think top doing something you usually do but just not feeling bad about it is ok too!

If it makes you feel better when my T would say something like "Be kind to Armadillo" I would get an overwhelming sensation of needing to harm myself. Which was weird because while I do some skin picking/hair tweezing this was really over the top sensations to the extreme. So you aren't alone in having this be super hard. I hope you can find something that feels good though.

[CactusFlower]

I actually haven't figured anything out yet, but maybe being kind to myself is *not* beating myself up for being unable to think of anything. (if that makes sense.)
Thank you also for  telling me I'm not alone. it wasn't until I started reading about this that I discovered skin picking/tweezing was actually a form of self-harm. I didn't realize I had a stereotypical view of self-harm. I thought I just had a weird nervous habit.

[Armadillo]

Hah. I didn't realize it was self harm either...just thought...aggressive grooming cause I have this flaw that needs to be dealt with. But when i saw the patterns of when I would do it (ie the trigger), how long, how I felt before during and after, how I lost time doing it, and the damage I was doing to myself...then it became more clear. After 20 years. 

[CactusFlower]

Well, you're not alone in that. I *deep breath* have no eyebrows and have to draw them on each day. and yeah, the picking is removing flaws. But you are so right. I've been doing it a lot longer, so I understand about time. it's actually probably the hardest thing to stop because I don't even realize I'm doing it.

[Blueberry]

"Picking is removing flaws" - I can join you both there too. I pull my hair out. I know there's a name for it - Trichotilli something or other but I know from when and why I do it and that I can't really stop etc. that it's a form of SH. So neither of you are alone.

[Blueberry]

I actually haven't figured anything out yet, but maybe being kind to myself is *not* beating myself up for being unable to think of anything. (if that makes sense.)

Sorry I missed that somehow. That makes total sense! Way to go on being kind to yourself. 

[Jazzy]

This is a really difficult topic. I feel sad that everyone has been so hurt to develop these impulses. My own SH impulses are a little different (mostly starvation) but that's okay.  I hope that everyone continues to improve so the desire to hurt isn't so strong.

CactusFlower you make a really good point about what how difficult it is to be kind to ourselves. I appreciate you sharing this and I think it is a fundamental part of what we all struggle with. I also think you're doing great, though! The tea set you mentioned sounds so nice. I only have an old dusty tea set that I never use even though I drink tea every day. I'm sure I could work on that quite a bit.

Along with the other things you've posted recently, I see that you are making big progress in being kind to yourself and I'm happy to see it. I'm sorry its so challenging and frustrating though. I hope it gets easier for you in the future as you continue to practice new healthier ways of self care. I appreciate your positive attitude as well. I agree that not beating yourself up is being kind; certainly a good step forward!

It must have been so challenging to mention your eyebrows. Thank you for having the courage to share that.  if it is positive for you.

[CactusFlower]

Again, thank you all. Yeah, Until now, I've always lied about my eyebrows. I said they just fell out one year, no idea why. even though I always knew I overplucked until there was no going back. Agreeably, I've gotten really good over the last 18-20 years at just drawing them on, but there's only 2 people I feel comfortable enough to be without anything on. We leave the house, and I have to "put on my face".

Blueberry - trichotillomania.

Tea - I've always preferred tea, all kinds of tea. We probably have about 20-25 different things of tea in the house of varying sizes. I drink PG Tips every morning. The tea set, I've just always wanted one, and my BFF suggested we have a tea party when he gets back from vacation. (I swear, we read each other's minds) Let me see if I can resize a pic of it... Hopefully this is still decently viewable. (englishteastore.com)

[rainydiary]

Cactus, I'm glad you brought up this topic.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately because kindness toward myself and relaxation and feeling good are so challenging for me. 

I agree that it took time (*is taking time) to even know what kindness looks like, especially toward myself.  I think kindness can take many forms - it may be an act or an object or something else.  For me, I find I most often need kindness in my thoughts and in how I speak to myself. 

I am learning to create a feel good menu.  It includes things that make me feel good.  My list includes my husband, Rooibos tea, yoga, my cat.  There are other things but there most consistently help me. 

[Armadillo]

I won't even tell me T what I do. Too ashamed and embarrassed. We talk around it. Keep covered even in a hotel room alone. Good for you Cactus for having a couple people you will leave the makeup off around.   

[CactusFlower]

  It does take a long time, years, to get that comfortable around anyone. I have 2 or 3 eyebrow pencils at home at any one time, and always have one in my purse just in case.

I think when my therapist gets back next week, we'll talk about this. Maybe the thinking kind thoughts is a baby step to recognizing what doing stuff would be. I think I might be equating "being kind to yourself" with "do something nice/buy something/treat yo'self" (lol) and then the things I do normally don't feel like they count because they're not special and different? Does that make sense? Like someone could say "Give yourself time to just play video games." Er... I check my island on Animal Crossing every morning, ha ha. "Give yourself a spa day." Then I think about putting on lotion and a moisturizing face mask and laying there and feel incredibly bored. "Go shopping/go out to eat." Then I get all "but there's nothing I need/not hungry/don't want to waste money", which a WHOLE other issue I'm working on. By that point I get frustrated that I can't think of anything "kind" to do and give up. I do plan on watching some specific art tutorials on youtube today that I've been putting off, and I really like when I feel creative, so that might help. As I write this, now I'm really thinking the thoughts are where I need to start. To stop thinking it's a waste. I think it stems from the feeling of being unworthy.
Heh, thanks for listening to the mind dump.

random thought: maybe I can find eyebrow pencils to sorta match with some of my wigs. Except the silver-gray one... not sure on that one. (natural hair color is about half ash brown, half gray by now)

[Jazzy]

While I absolutely don't want to push anyone to talk about something they don't want to talk about, I think the topic of shame and how we treat ourselves is crucially important.

Honestly, I'm not ready to talk about my deepest shames... but there were so many. I literally kept myself locked in the house all day starving away, ashamed, paranoid, and afraid. I'm still working on things like being able to post a picture on the internet without scrubbing all the extra data out of it. People post pictures every second of every day, seemingly without a concern, but it's difficult for me, because I know that a person with the right knowledge can connect the dots and track me down.

CactusFlower brings up another really good point here, about how being kind to ourselves is often very different than other people being kind to themselves. For me, it was based around the fact that my thoughts and beliefs, especially about myself and my sense of worth, were so twisted and poisoned by my abuse and how I was raised. I also needed to start really simply at step 1, because I never got step 1 as a child.

Something I just started doing today which I consider being kind to myself (among other things) is washing my face in the morning. I was never taught to do that. I also never enjoyed it before because being kind to myself felt bad.

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I like the matching colour idea.

[CactusFlower]

I agree. I don't have anyone who would track me down, thank goodness, but I do think we're far more aware of our privacy in general than a lot of folks. I do post pics, but rarely of myself, and only in accounts where I've set all the privacy settings as high as possible. And check them often, because companies are notorious for changing stuff without notifying you. I don't and never will have one of those video doorbells, especially now that Amazon plans to link them together with Wi-Fi to "create a net". And now amazon's coming out with a fitness tracker? Um... no. Hacker's happy dream right there. I know i sound paranoid, but I also worked in compliance in health insurance for 12 years, which includes fraud and abuse. Identity theft is deadly in the medical field. I've always seen it as just being prudently cautious in today's tech world. maybe we're more attuned to privacy because so few of us truly were allowed privacy, a safe privacy, as a child.

I think you really hit the nail on the head there. Being kind to ourselves feels bad. Until we can work with that, the type of kindness may not matter. It's fascinating from a mental standpoint how much of this is so tightly interlinked.
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I might have bought myself a blue-gray wig last night, lol. I hope I like it.