I never learned to play with people my own age

[Renaissance]

OK, so before I continue with this subject I need to provide a little background without triggers for others. My CPTSD has a considerable impact on my behaviour in an intimate partner, family and social environment. As one of my T's explained I am extremely competent in a professional environment apart from groups of 3 or more and can function very effectively in the most stressful of work conditions. (think also life and death as a former partner carer for 16 years).


But place me in an environment where you are supposed to have fun, be relaxed and enjoy yourself, well, my sympathetic nervous system is still screaming BEWARE, BEWARE, BEWARE!!


So, I have been receiving treatment for almost 18 months involving a combination of EMDR, body centred psychotherapy and currently in group therapy (which presents my biggest challenge). As some of my early traumas relate to extreme violence and what I can only describe as both physical and mental torture experiences in a group environment.


Today's group therapy involved a drama lesson whereby each member takes on a certain emotion and everyone replicates the same. They call this the emotional bus, sorry but this is all new to me. I had already explained to the group and T's that I would find this difficult to do as this is not a real situation.  And that I would not be able to play the role of a bus driver with people sat behind me.


In real life if I were to get onto a bus I would sit at the back next to or near the emergency exit and where I could see everyone, ready to either react and help or to escape. And if need be fight.


Even though I knew I was in a safe environment, just the thought of role-playing had my amygdala working in hyper mode. However, being able to feel comfortable in an intimate group environment (family, friends, colleagues) is vital for me. Why, so I can feel human. I can feel that I belong.


The group offered to change the scenario to a boat whereby as a captain I would be facing everyone and could therefore take part in this role-play (game).


I agreed and during the next 10 minutes found myself completely shutting down apart from the odd nervous smile or laugh, as I really did not know how to react or behave. I knew it was not real, and I could see everyone enjoying their different roles, but for me, I could not let go of this feeling of responsibility....so could not let my inner child out and play.


We finally worked out that this was not through different traumas when I was older but learned behaviour from my parents as a young child and specifically from my mother. As a child, she could not play with others her age as she had to look after younger children in the family environment or help her mother with work. So, she felt guilt and shame and was often punished for playing.


For me, I do have memories of playing, but on my own. I do not have a single happy memory of playing with other children my age as I would often be looking after my sister or would need to be inside much earlier due to my parents working hours.


Add into the mix a national culture of children should be seen and not heard, along with the physical abuse from parents, teachers and other adults, then I am beginning to really understand where I come from. And just how far I need to go.


As a final note in this post, learning about my parents upbringing and social environment has allowed me to understand their behaviour and how I developed (there is of course a lot more) as a child. And while others have pointed out correctly that this does not excuse abusive behaviour, it has given me room to forgive and love them. Which means in the future I can hopefully find room and forgiveness for myself, without fear or judgement, and let my inner child out to play and, positively, run wild.


Thank you for listening.

[rainydiary]

Renaissance,

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I appreciate you sharing as it helps me see that there are other people in the world dealing with similar things as me.  This helps me feel less alone.  I am walking this path with you and hope you find some ease.

[Hope67]

Hi Renaissance,
I also would like to thank you for sharing your experiences - I read what you wrote, and I relate to many things that you said. 

I want also to send you support.   I've ended up re-writing that a few times, as I can't find the words I want. 
Hope 

[Armadillo]

I'm in awe you are able to find live and forgiveness and even to start to pick apart what's happened and how it is affecting you.

I do relate a lot to the part of being very uncomfortable in groups. Especially people my own age.