Kizzie's Journal

  • 220 Replies
  • 17354 Views
*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 8650
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #210 on: June 28, 2021, 04:49:46 PM »
Tks A, J and B  :hug: So glad to have that med out of my system and see/feel I am much more regulated than that led me to believe. Phew.


*

BeeKeeper

  • Member
  • 396
  • BeHea1thy / BeeKeeper
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #211 on: June 28, 2021, 07:06:35 PM »
I think it's really great to realize you are "better" than you thought.  :applause:

*

Jazzy

  • Member
  • 1269
  • [TW] I'm Niko <3
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #212 on: June 29, 2021, 01:55:21 AM »
I think it's really great to realize you are "better" than you thought.  :applause:

 :yeahthat:

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 8650
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #213 on: July 02, 2021, 03:24:20 PM »
I am so glad that I am actually doing better than my reaction to Ambien led me to believe.  At the same time I am mindful that there is still an abyss I am frightened of that has to do with being along/abandoned/rejected so I will continue to work on that myself, with my T and here.  Once it's out there and I'm talking about it it seems to defuel the fears/pain I have little by little.   

I remember when I first realized that due to NPD my parents & B would never change and I had to let go of the hope/wish that I could get through to them, that they would be the family I wished for and deserved. So painful to see that awful truth, but the upside was I felt free in many ways to stop trying and to look after myself instead of expending all my energy trying, trying trying. Even the sadness/grief  has decreased over time.

Tks again everyone for your support and care  :grouphug: (me hugging you again  :) )

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 8650
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #214 on: July 02, 2021, 03:36:45 PM »
Another thing that has risen to the surface over the past year or two is struggling with getting older, not only the physical changes but a sense of diminishment I feel, some of which comes from within via my CPTSD, and some through negative ageism out in the world.  My H has been going through it also since retiring and then having a stroke. 

I haven't talked about it here but I guess like anything in our lives, as survivors we're going to be affected by issues that relate to things like age and need a lens to view them through that incorporates our CPTSD/RTR.

This morning I came across the quote below from Sonia Connolly whose site Sundown Healing Arts I love.  It's called "Nestle into Uncertainty" and is about dealing with our uncertain times but I took her message to frame the uncertainty of aging against. It left me with a new way of considering things; that is, my feelings had been quite negative about growing older. I had never thought of  allowing myself to grieve that, but also to "nestle" into it, to be open to changing and adapting and good things. 

Anyway, a nice way to start this day  :thumbup:

Our favorite assumption is that our lives will continue to be the same in the future as they have been in the past. We might need to grieve the loss of certainty and stability as we adapt to a more open and flowing framework of assumptions. It makes sense to want things to stay the same so our old habits and patterns continue to carry us through our days. Navigating change takes more work and mindfulness.

We can remember that uncertainty holds good outcomes as well as bad ones. With compassion for our trauma-weary selves, we can learn to nestle into uncertainty like a hammock, finding support in its flexible weave.

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2660
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #215 on: July 02, 2021, 10:39:15 PM »
That is a beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing it. I printed it to glue into my journal.

*

BeeKeeper

  • Member
  • 396
  • BeHea1thy / BeeKeeper
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #216 on: July 03, 2021, 12:13:38 AM »
Thanks for writing about this Kizzie. I've felt the same, diminishment and grief for a year now. Also the incremental loss of "visibility." Aging seems to call for much more focus on decisions, legacy, self-care, all the while balancing and juggling the sense of safety in our changing world. You talk about grieving the possibility of a functional family, one that is caring, welcoming and supporting. This is the hardest- I still feel "cheated."  Not sure if you have too. I'd like to off load that.

I like this:

Quote
We can remember that uncertainty holds good outcomes as well as bad ones.

Thanks.

*

Jazzy

  • Member
  • 1269
  • [TW] I'm Niko <3
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #217 on: July 03, 2021, 01:21:46 AM »
Thank you for your wise and positive words, Kizzie. What you've said about giving up unrealistic expectations of family is very impactful to me.  :thumbup:

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with things like aging. This is quite understandable, and I love how you found encouragement, then shared it with the rest of us here. :)

<3 Jazzy

*

Jazzy

  • Member
  • 1269
  • [TW] I'm Niko <3
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #218 on: July 03, 2021, 01:23:00 AM »
Quote from: notalone
That is a beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing it. I printed it to glue into my journal.

I really like how you took actions based on your feelings. I have learned many great things from your examples. Thank you, Notalone!

<3 Jazzy

*

Armadillo

  • Guest
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #219 on: July 03, 2021, 05:04:21 AM »
 :hug:

I am sorry that you are feeling diminished, and H, too. You feel so wise strong and powerful (good power, I mean, like a protector/warrior) here. It must be really painful feeling.

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 8650
    • View Profile
Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #220 on: July 03, 2021, 05:01:54 PM »
One small gain I've made on this path to recovery is that I do know enough about my CPTSD to ask myself is that me projecting or am I really encountering ageism? Sometimes it's coming from my fear of not being valued, of being cast aside as an old woman who has nothing left to give or worse yet, losing  visibility as you are finding BK.   :disappear:  Other times it does come from others/society, often in subtle ways that are now quite glaring to me. 

Either way it does feed into the whole abandonment/rejection issue for me and dare I say anger at being cheated out of a more joyous life right up and into my 60's.

Hopefully that latter bit will change and younger adults will learn about relational trauma and CPTSD/RTR much earlier on than a lot of us here. (We're doing our bit here so good on us :applause: )   Plus there's the whole ACEs movement which is raising awareness and looking at what can be done for children and youth so I'm somewhat optimistic.