Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

I'm happy to note that not only did I sleep less last night, I also hurt less this morning, compared to yesterday.

I take this as confirmation of how important it is not to fall asleep while stressed, though I will continue to monitor. 

[Jazzy]

Wow, very interesting development this morning.

Despite it being humid and slightly sprinkling rain, I decided to go out for a walk to work on my posture. I was especially hesitant because there are other people outside, and I have been hurt by interactions recently, though not here in my journal.

On my walk I was very aware of what parents were treating their children, through their actions more so than their words. Likely because of how my parents treated me is so fresh and raw in my mind.

Just outside of the park near my house, I noticed a number of children with a woman. I noted the eldest boy walked ahead of the others, then turned and said "what took you so long?" I wondered who taught him these micro-aggressions, and hoped he learns better in the future.

As I rounded the corner approaching the park, I heard the boy say "hey" rather quietly. He was behind me some distance as well, so I thought he was speaking to one of the other children.

A minute later I heard another "hey" coming from a bit closer. Thanks to my martial arts training, I have developed instincts as to where things are likely to be, based on the last time I saw them, as well as which direction they were moving, how fast they were moving, how pre-occupied or focused they are, etc.

Putting all of this together, I decided the boy was likely talking to me, despite being behind and a bit far away still. I stopped, turned to him, smiled slightly and said "Hey buddy, how are you doing?"

He didn't reply immediately, but the woman called out "HI!" from where she was (perhaps 25 feet away). I briefly looked up long enough to confirm her position, and saw her waving. I waved back while looking at the boy again.

I wasn't paying much attention to the woman, as I was thinking about the boy. His actions are not those of confidence, which is a bit concerning to me. I also expected the woman would be concerned about the boy speaking to a strange man on the street.

Since the boy still had not replied and was hanging back shyly, I turned and continued with my walk. As I was walking away, I heard the woman say "that's our neighbour", though I'm not sure who she was speaking too; likely it was one of the other children she was with.

I heard her call the boy by name, Arthur. This made me feel confident he was not following me, but staying back with the woman at the park.

Feeling better about that I realized that since I'm the woman's neighbour, that means she is my neighbour. Immediately, I realized she is the neighbour who neglected me and stood me up. How very interesting.

Even more interesting to me is that Arthur remembered me, based on seeing me 1 time for less than 5 minutes about 3-4 weeks ago. How powerful the mind of a child is before becoming corrupted.

I also expect that I made a positive impact on him, which he remembered, which led to him reaching out to me with that "hey". Between the details in the previous paragraph and the fact he called out to me twice, despite feeling so little confidence, I conclude that I made a strong impact on him.

While I feel happy and encouraged about that, I wonder how much he is missing a positive impact in his life to remember such a brief one from weeks ago.

I'm not sure how I feel about the woman and her acting kinder today, besides feeling mostly guarded. She's not very important to me right now.

Update: I feel badly for the boys. Based on their actions, as well as their mother previously telling me she has been divorced for about a year, I suspect that they are suffering from the lack of a positive male role model in their lives.

While there is likely some personal bias, I am not confident that their new father figure is a very good one. If he is, wouldn't Arthur be running to him instead of to me?

[Jazzy]

Hi Libby! 

I'm glad you like the decoration on your name, and that it works well for you on your phone screen. My eyesight isn't great either. I know I need to get some new glasses, but it's not something I can do quite yet. My eyesight is very important to me though, so I must take action soon. I wish you all the best with you  vision as well.

Thank you for your positive feedback on the picture of Tiger! That is very encouraging to me.

It's wonderful you have your dog with you. My cats are not registered support animals, but they are very much a strong support to me. It's great that she does well with your friend's cats. It sounds like a good small step forward.   

I expect that you're right about her having trauma. I'm so glad to hear you rescued her from it, giving her a loving home. Tiger is also a rescue, though unofficially. She was in pretty bad shape with bladder problems and a seriously warped relationship with food, due to her abuse. She still has a ways to go, but she has come so far. I'm very proud of her! <3

It's interesting what you've written about your own experience with pain. If I understand correctly, the focus has flipped from physical to emotional pain. That sounds like good progress to me. It is encouraging to hear that you are more aware of your emotional state.

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much though. I truly hope you continue to work things out and find a pain-free life for yourself. While I don't think emotional pain is any easier to resolve, I think it is a positive for you to only be dealing with one type of pain at a time. I don't mean to compare at all, I only hope you can use this to your advantage, and hopefully take some encouragement from it.

Thank you for your well wishes about my treatment, and your empowering declaration that I deserve to be pain free!   

Thank you for your words about stress. I appreciate your agreement of my analysis. You make an excellent point about how many layers there are, and how long they have been there. The image that comes to mind is of an onion.   

...that we don't have the resources to cope with. How can anyone deny the existence of CPTSD? It's so clear in all of our life histories.

This hits me hard. I feel painful and hopeless reading this. I'm so sorry if you feel the same way. Hopelessness is so deadly!   

It is clear, as you have said. Therefore anyone who denies it is wrong. I don't have many resources, but I have my mind, and I have wonderful people like you. While it would be easier with more, these few resources are the only ones I truly need. I hope you find the resources you need as well. 

Hugs to you too, Libby! I'm so glad to hear that I am a positive influence in your life, especially after the trouble I got in to yesterday. Thank you for saying that, it really helps to ease the pain of yesterday.

Talking with you helps me through my day as well. I'm very glad to have you in my life.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

I just realized a neat thing as I was preparing my tea this evening.

I've been using a chef's knife wrong for my entire life! 

I've always held it with the blade perpendicular (sticking out from) my body. This is difficult on my wrist though, because I cannot hold it straight and keep the knife at a straight angle as well.

So I turned the knife to face sideways, and it is so much more comfortable! Now my elbow sticks out a bit, which is fine, allowing my wrist to be held straight. I will be holding the knife this way from now on!

Thanks brain, good job! Yeah buddy!

[Jazzy]

My doctor's appointment went well today. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, although I think it went even better.

He hasn't done anything to directly help at this point, but he has ordered a number of tests to be done. While I am impatient, I appreciate this approach to the extreme.

From what I have noticed, my doctor makes it a point to gather information, review and study it, then come to the best conclusion he can, with an action plan. He does not act, and often will not even give advice before he is comfortable with his understanding of the situation.

I'm incredibly impressed by this approach. I have been trying to do something similar in my own life lately, despite it being very difficult. I wonder if I learned it from him without every logically realizing.

He also has a number of self-printed signs up in his office (just text on a sheet of printer paper), which challenge common beliefs with reality. One example that really stood out to me is "When the grease runs out, the squeaky wheel gets replaced."

[TW: Medical?]

No doubt it is referring to joints. When a joint is abused for too many years, the cartilage is worn away, then the bones begin to scrape together. I don't know how this is handled, but according to that sign it is by replacement surgery. This is something I would like to avoid. I am especially concerned about my ankles, as they are in pain many times every day.

Going to the doctor has been extremely challenging for me throughout my entire life; there are many reasons why. One of them is that every time the doctor lets me walk out of their office in the unacceptable condition my body is in.

This feels very hurtful and neglectful to me. Today I began to understand that it is more because I did not engage or seem to treat the topic as very important myself. While it has always been important to me, I was too traumatized to express that.

My doctor reacted very well to me expressing my concerns today, when I did it in a more confident and respectful manner. I am very pleased about that. It was hard for me to accept the fact that I respect my doctor and his methods very much, yet he left me in such an unhealthy state. The realization in the previous paragraph has been very powerful to me.

[Jazzy]

I know I've written a lot already today, which I hope is not overwhelming for anyone, but there is another thing I want to "put down on paper".

Today my sister dropped off a plate of food she prepared for me. It was a baked dish, I believe from Chile. While I can't remember the name (mostly because it isn't English), it is a baked pastry with a meat and cheese filling.

I'm very appreciative that she shared the meal she had prepared with me. It was quite an interesting experience, because I have not eaten meat in about a month.  It tasted good, but I noted the meat was very heavy (dense) in my stomach.

I've been thinking a fair bit about the best way to handle the situation of my sister, and her husband the chef, sharing meat dishes with me. I thought it polite not to refuse them. Furthermore I currently feel no pressure or guilt to eat the food they offer me.

However I remember that vegetarians always used to upset me in the past. I certainly understand the (seemingly common) belief that we are somehow arrogant, rude and (fill in your choice of words here).

Specifically I remember being much more offended by a vegetarian who would eat meat prepared by someone else, as opposed to one who politely refused. Perhaps it has something to do with "sticking to your values" or "remaining true to yourself". On the other hand, given how I feel no notable guilt, I'm not sure that properly applies to me right now.

I'm really not sure the best way to handle this situation. I will put more consideration in to the matter. I will also ask my sister and her husband for their opinion. I would also like to hear your opinion, if you are comfortable sharing it.

I find it very helpful when I can hear the experience and opinions of others. It helps me understand the situation more fully, which empowers me to make good decisions for myself.

[CactusFlower]

I'm glad your doctor educates themselves and seems willing to do some investigation. it's not often we find one like that compared to the "I know everything and am always right" type. As for the food, I think there's a (at least for me) big difference between vegetarians/vegans who do it because they want to feel healthier or need to for some reason and those who do it so they can feel like they're better than everyone else. I've met both types and you can tell when it's sincere. If you feel better not eating meat, that's good enough. :hugs:

also, most Latin American countries have a similar dish of that kind, often called an empanada. (although there can be sweet empanadas as well) They're the original Hot Pocket, lol. I must admit, I have a weakness for the pumpkin ones, it's like a handheld pumpkin pie. I don't know if you could find them anywhere around you, but there are recipes for other "dough/meat" things that can be made using veggies instead. Pupusas, arepas, empanadas, pierogies/piroshki... most cultures have something like that. My favorite piroshki are potato and cheese ones. oh goodness. sorry, I love sharing about food.

[Armadillo]

Yeah buddy indeed!!!!! Love all the body discoveries you are making!

I hear all the conflicting feelings about the doctor but overall it sounds like you are happy with his approach right now and I'm so glad you are pursuing this. Just make sure to stay confident and strong once all the tests are complete to make sure no one let's you walk out without proper treatment being approved.

Hmmm. With the vegetarian stuff? I think it is perfectly ok to tell your sis and brother in law that you love their cooking and so appreciate that they have shared with you but that you didn't want to tell them this and be ungrateful but you aren't eating meat right now and you would love to keep receiving food from them because it makes you feel cared for and tastes  good but that you're not able to eat meat right now. Perfectly ok.

[Jazzy]

Thank you for reading all of that Sage!

Yes, the type of doctor you mention is the one I had before. He did not help me much, so I quite disliked him. I'm very relieved to have found a better matching doctor for me. I hope you have, or can find, a good one as well!

You make a very good point about why a person chooses a lifestyle like vegetarian/veganism. I would like to get to the veganism stage at some point, but for now I'm working on vegetarianism; one small step at a time.

I've met both types and you can tell when it's sincere. If you feel better not eating meat, that's good enough. :hugs:

Thank you for saying this. This encourages me that others will be able to tell my intent as well. I'm very glad you spoke up confidently about your experience. 

You are correct; empanada is the word my sister uses. I've never liked pumpkin before, but I'm curious if I will now after so many changes in my life.

Thank you for sharing the names of similar dishes. I have made a note of all of them, so that I will look in to it more and try some of them out! Potato and cheese piroshki looks and sounds very tasty! 

I like sharing about food, too! Please don't feel the need to apologize on my behalf. I appreciate the connection with you.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Thank you for reading all of that Armadillo!

I appreciate your words and your encouragement. You're right, it is challenging to stay confident to get what I really need. I have noticed myself easing off already. I have made a much stronger note for myself to ensure I end up receiving the therapy I need. Thank you again for saying this.

Your suggestion of what to tell my brother and sister of what to say sounds very open and honest, which I appreciate. It is still challenging for me to do that, but I think it is a very good approach.  I'm not sure the exact words I will use, but I will certainly incorporate these concepts more fully.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Regarding the topic of eating meat:

My brother is vocally encouraging about my diet, pointing out vegetarian and vegan ingredients. While I have not thanked him yet, which is mostly because he mostly points out vegan options, which is too big of a step for me right now, I do appreciate it.

I realized today that my sister is supportive as well, though more gently. She gave me 2 meat and 1 cheese empanadas. I would be shocked if she had made any meat-free pastries without knowing I have been working on eliminating meat from my diet. I will thank her for that as well.

I also realized that while it is good of me to be sensitive of my sibling's feelings on the matter, it should not be so important to dictate my lifestyle choices. I have been assuming that most people feel as badly about the topic as I do.

When I said that I was "much more offended" in my previous post, I was being literal. I was offended, and deeply upset by this behaviour. I expect those feelings go much deeper than I realized. It's likely due to how badly my nutrition has been neglected in the past.

Upon further reflection, helped along by everyone's feedback, I don't think other's are nearly so emotional about the topic. Perhaps the few who are have their own issues fueling their emotions, like I did.

As Armadillo pointed out in her suggestion, it is important for me to be honest and open.

[Jazzy]

I added a small pendant to my necklace this morning. It is the "tree of life", which I believe to symbolize healing and hope.

I have worn this necklace for well over 5 years with almost no exception. It is the only small part of a personality that survived through my worst, hidden under my shirt. More and more I've been wearing it outside of my shirt.

I think the pendant will help with that, even though I'm not perfectly happy about the way it is attached. I will improve it later. I remember a wise person telling me that it is empathy, not compassion, which makes the world a better place. Perhaps the imperfect pendant attachment expresses that. I may not change it.

Click for larger image!

[Jazzy]

Today I've been thinking about the power of making choices for one's self. The turning point in my recovery journey was when I chose to improve. Many other things have helped, but nothing so much as that.

I'm surprised how long it has taken me to come to fully understand this. It reminds me of The Matrix Trilogy. It has always been my favourite movie, since the first time I saw the first movie in the set, before the others were even made.

There is far more philosophy in these movie than I could even begin to touch on right now, but the final fight scene drastically portrays the power of choice, as well as using preferred names.

[TW: Violence, Self-Sacrifice]
Click here for a clip on YouTube The relevant part of the clip (to what I'm writing about) ends at 2:15. The clip continues on to show more, which ties in to other themes of the movie, primarily self-sacrifice for the good of others.

[Armadillo]

<3 Jazzy

I love the necklace. It makes me think I should dig out mine that is deeply meaningful to my recovery that I used to wear every day. If you feel like sharing I'd love to hear what that necklace meant to you in the past. I like the tree of life symbolically for you because as you grow and your roots strengthen and your spine lengthens your branches reach out further to touch the people around you.

I hope you are feeling a bit better, as the past few days have been a rougher stretch for you. When do you expect to hear from your doctor?

It was interesting what you wrote about the neighbor kids and the rude neighbor. You are very vigilant for the safety of kids.  That's important.

And I think however you handle things with your sister and brother in law... will be perfectly fine! I agree it sounds like this offensiveness runs deep for you and feeding issues in general are already rough for you and full of meaning and triggers. Vegetarianism does have some weird emotional things for me too, from being forced to eat vegetarian as a kid for my stepdad. Some of it was so inedible but we'd have to finish it all or it would be breakfast, lunch, dinner until we finished what had been served or it went moldy. We had some tricks to make our food disappear but then we'd be hungry and eat toothpaste. One night I had the stomach flu and remember being so so so happy because it meant I didn't have to eat dinner. It was so bad to a kid that I would just involuntarily gag the whole time.

Sorry that was too much about me here! But you're not alone, we get it, that this is more than just speaking up for your food preferences. Whatever you are comfortable with. Your sister will understand right?

ETA: I like what you said about choosing to improve being so important. We each have our own motivation and it's important to tap into that and draw strength to keep going from that. For me, i didn't have an internal sense of motivation.  What I had first was terror that I had done or would do something wrong to make my son...__________... and a life or death need to be a good mom.  I needed that level of motivation to face things. Now that I am more healed I can have a motivation that comes from wanting to protect myself, a little, too.

[Jazzy]

I'm happy to be awake by 7:00 AM this morning. It is a couple of hours longer than I would like to sleep optimally, but it is much better than the last couple of days. I am amazed at how many hours, literally hours, being stressed takes off my life. Not only in regards to lowered health, but losing them to sleep.

I'm really missing my best friend. It's not a sharp pain, but it is a very deep one. I wish so strongly that I could share my improvements with her, especially in the things she appreciated. One example is her favourite video game Dark Souls. I started playing it again yesterday. It is notorious for being widely considered the most difficult RPG available. I was never very good at the game before.

I'm much better at it now! It's not that I've gained more skill or dexterity. It is because I am much more in tune with my instincts. Doing well in that game is a matter of reacting, not thinking, which I am much more able to engage in now. I am also far less frustrated. I expect to "die" in the game quite frequently. I try an approach, observe the results, then adjust my approach to be a bit better next time. When I begin to feel frustrated, I exit the game and come back later.

I won't get too detailed with the violence, but the game certainly rewards good positioning and controlling the battlefield (your opponents). Thankfully I know a fair bit about these tactics thanks to my martial arts training. I was very frustrated in the past because I knew these things logically, but I completely failed time and again to apply them in the game. Now I can apply my knowledge with success more often than not. I just wish I could show her... not to brag about myself, but to show that I'm figuring the deep things out, and she could have too.