Jazzy's Journal: Omega

Started by Jazzy, June 02, 2021, 11:00:45 PM

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Jazzy

I've been at a new stage in my healing journey for a few months now, so I decided it was time for a new journal, in order to reflect that fact. I've named this journal Omega, which is the last letter in the Greek alphabet, to represent the fact that I am near the end of my journey. Perhaps the damage will never be fully undone, there will be setbacks, and there is still some processing left to do, but my life now is better than I ever reasonably expected it could get.

It also seems appropriate to me that my previous journal was named Round 3, as "Round 3" is the final round in a best 2 out of 3 competition. Round 3 is over, and I've won!  :cheer:  ... apparently I need to cry about that for a moment.  :'(  :)

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My journals, for reference:
Jazzy's Journal
Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2
Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
Jazzy's Journal: Omega <-- You are here! :)
Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II




Jazzy

Lately my ankle has been feeling better. While it isn't fully healed yet, it was good enough for a relaxing walk this morning. While I wanted to jog, I know that it is important to go slow and let everything heal fully, so I don't injure it further. Not only is injury bad, but it will take even longer to heal properly if it is injured again.

It's also good I didn't jog, because it gave my mind lots of time to come up with new ideas. I noted at least 5 new ideas on my walk this morning. It is so great to be walking again, not only for my physical health, but my mental health too. I have felt much happier and positive overall today than I have recently. I also got a lot more accomplished. I was thinking clearer and solving problems faster.

One thing which I found interesting is that there is a short but steep hill at the end of the first third of my route. I used to despise that hill, but recently I have been happy for it. I was especially happy today because it let me work more without increasing my pace, which would hurt my ankle. Now I realize that if I feel it necessary, I can just walk up and down the hill repeatedly. In fact, I will try that tomorrow! Thank you sub conscious mind for finding me a solution. That is good work!  :thumbup:

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Today I got an award for "user of the month". Wow!  :aaauuugh:  That's hard to really grasp. Not even a year ago I felt like no one would notice if I just disappeared one day. Sure, my sisters would have been a bit sad, but I didn't think it would have much of an impact on their lives.

Now I get this award which is only given to two people per month... and on my first month as a part of that online community! Is this even me?! What really blows my mind is that I've only been there asking for help with things. I haven't been contributing to helping others. I feel a bit bad about that, but I do plan to be more helpful to others once I learn more and get things working properly myself. The point is that others are clearly noticing the positive changes I've been putting a lot of effort in to making, and I really appreciate that.

Armadillo

Ack! I feel weird being the first one to post in such an auspicious journal since I haven't been here for rounds 1 and 2 and not much of 3.
;D

Congratulations on how much healing you've done that you feel ready to consider this the Omega journal. That's really inspiring, Jazzy. I love how happy and satisfied you sound. I am not surprised at all that you got a user of the month award. Even asking questions actively helps other people.

rainydiary

Jazzy, I appreciate you sharing your progress and noticing changes in your days.  I look forward to seeing what comes in the Omega. 

Jazzy

Thanks Armadillo!

It's okay that you haven't been here since the beginning, but I understand you feeling that way. :) I updated my first post with links to my previous journals, that way you, or anyone else, can easily find and read them. As you may imagine, they're not light reading, though. I also think it's appropriate for you to be the first other poster here. Not very many people post in my journal for reasons of their own, so it has been extremely helpful and encouraging to have you here. Your comments have been a tremendous help to me, and I can't thank you enough.

Thank you for your positivety and encouragement. I appreciate you pointing out that asking questions actively helps other people. That is a good point which I failed to consider. :)


Jazzy

Thank you Rainydiary! :)

I'm glad my writing has been helpful for you. Your post means so much to me!  :thumbup:

Jazzy

Something I've been struggling with here, is the appropriate use of text decoration like colour!

For the first time in my life I'm appreciating and enjoying artistic things like this, and I want to just dive right in and use it excessively, to encourage that growth. Even in moderation, it seems to really brighten things up and make it better than just a wall of plain text. As Armadillo wrote about in her own journal, it is another dimension that has been missing in my life for so long.

On the other hand, I'm concerned that people may not react to it well. I didn't like decorations in the past because my mind was so damaged and twisted, and I don't want that to be a stumbling block for others.

It's like hugs... hugs are a great thing; they're a physical expression of care. Unfortunately, people have been hurt, and they may not see a hug that way, especially coming from me. So I make it a point to limit the amount of  :hug: I give out, unless someone clearly expresses they appreciate it.

I'm not sure what's best, but I think this is my journal, and my safe place. So I will use text decoration here. If I use a little much, hopefully that's okay. I think I deserve a break after years of repression.

:grouphug: with everyone who would like to join in! :)

Armadillo

#7
ETA:
I just wanted to say I sat down and read your old journals. You have come a very long way I can feel a different you come through in these journals. I am sorry for the abuse and awful neglect you suffered. I can see why sleeping and feeding yourself are two big themes. Thank you for sharing these journals, stories, and for always having long thoughtful input.

:grouphug:

The color is fun. Reminds me of the kids book series Geronimo Stilton. Enjoy the new dimension!

Jazzy

Wow, I'm surprised you sat down and read them... I wasn't really expecting that, especially so soon. It makes me feel important and worthy, which is very nice... but also unfamiliar. Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I truly appreciate it.  :hug:

QuoteI can see why sleeping and feeding yourself are two big themes.

Reading this makes me wonder if my neglect/abuse started before my earliest memories at 3 years old. Aren't sleeping and eating topics for newborns and infants? I've always felt like such a failure, because I couldn't do those two fundamental tasks properly... maybe it really wasn't my fault though.

So, wow... thank you for that, Armadillo! It's so helpful to have input from others to help spark the mind.

Jazzy

So, there are a few things I was really looking forward to writing about today. Unfortunately, this evening has been difficult. I'm feeling a lot of bad feelings, and stressed as a result.

I could really use some support right now, but I can't think of anywhere to get it.

So, I'm just going to try to relax and feel better. I can post more later.

rainydiary

I am curious to see how this color shows up.  I hope you were able to find some ease this evening.  Each day I am reminded of how wellness and healing and many things in life are not linear.  We move forward and back and sideways and topsy turvy.  I often wish it all made sense and that I had more answers than questions.

:hug:

Armadillo

Quote from: Jazzy on June 03, 2021, 11:59:38 PM
I've always felt like such a failure, because I couldn't do those two fundamental tasks properly...[/color] maybe it really wasn't my fault though.

Wow. It's just remarkable to me, how we can't see our own abuse clearly and the impact. Not just you, me too, I'm sure nearly all of us. You were expected to fully care for AND provide your own education for yourself and your siblings!!! Those are not jobs for children! You were expected to do things for yourself you had no business knowing how to do as a kid and I am not at all surprised that that shows up now as your challenge. It's like your own personal "no!" Your body and mind as an adult struggling with those things....they were speakkng up for little Jazzy: "no! I don't know how to eat and sleep! I need help and no one is here to help me." Makes all the sense in the world to me. It's nothing for YOU to be ashamed about. But your parents, yea they should feel a bit of shame. That would be appropriate.

Anyway, I'm really sorry you are having a rough evening. If you can, make an easy meal and a nice warm cup of tea and tuck yourself into bed with a nice book that has nothing to do with trauma.

Jazzy

Rainydiary, is that colour grey? It is challenging to read, but it is easier if I select it so it puts a background colour under it. :) I wonder if you could combine it with a glow or a shadow to make it easier? There's lots of options! Speaking of options, there are different font faces too. I quite like some of these other ones more than the default.

You're absolutely right! Healing is a lot more complex than moving forward linearly. I wish it was easier too... but it's okay. Growth is challenging, but it makes it that much better in the end!

Thank you for sharing and the warm hug.  :hug:




rainydiary

Many apologies that the color was so light and difficult to read.  I appreciate you exploring and bringing color.  I can't remember if it was you or another poster that mentioned music recently.  It really inspired me to listen to more music.  I have songs that bring a great deal and I've been neglecting time for that. 

Jazzy

#14
Armadillo, you're right. It is remarkable how we, or at least I, am so blind to our own abuse. It's still difficult for me to use the word abuse, because I wasn't often physically assaulted. I know better intellectually, but fully accepting the truth is a much more difficult matter. If I read all these things happening to someone else (the things that happened to me), I'd be extremely upset; heartbroken, enraged, defeated. I don't really feel that way for myself though, maybe only a very mild version of those feelings.

I agree that it's my "no" too. I think those things are triggering for me, but they've been triggering for so long, from such a young age, that I've grown completely desensitized to it. I've been thinking about desensitization a lot recently. Perhaps I'll write more about it at some point.

I think my parents should feel a lot of shame. Thinking of someone else in this situation, the words that come to mind are disgusting and repulsive. I think my M does feel a little bit of shame when I point it out. I'm guessing this is why she ignored me about my ankle, because she felt bad she didn't do a better job helping me as a child (physical therapy would have made my life so much easier), so she just ignores it so she doesn't keep feeling bad.

Thinking about it this way makes me feel a little angry. I actually like feeling a little angry about this, because it is completely unacceptable behaviour to me. I think the anger will help me to stand up for myself and demand to be treated better.

Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it! I did manage to relax a fair bit and get some sleep. Unfortunately, another major stressor (EBS) woke me up around 4am. That's been challenging, but I've been dealing with it okay. I made some changes so it doesn't bother me as much in the future, and I took a bit of nap today, which helped.