Jazzy's Journal: Omega

Started by Jazzy, June 02, 2021, 11:00:45 PM

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sanmagic7

jazzy, sorry your dinner didn't turn out as you expected.  i really like your attitude, tho, about being able to pull something positive about yourself out of such a disappointing event.  i don't think i've thought about myself that way, so it's an interesting perspective to me.  i've usually found more strength within myself when things go as planned.  it's a trust issue, i think - helps me build trust in myself (that i did something 'right') and in the other person.  i do like how you looked at it for yourself, tho.  it's like it's the other side of the circle, something that completes the whole.

thanks for sharing that.  it really gave me something to reflect on.  sending love and a hug filled with continuing of a positive path for yourself. :hug:

Jazzy

Notalone:

Welcome to my journal! :)

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. I was really disappointed and a little hurt as well. I know things have been difficult for you recently and I haven't seen you around much. I really appreciate you stopping in to send me some encouragement!
Thank you!


Thank you for your positive feedback about my wallpaper too! I've never made one before, so your positive reaction means a lot to me! :)

Jazzy

Armadillo:

Thank you; it did mean a lot to me. I put a lot of time and effort in to it! I'm not exactly feeling okay compared to a "normal person", but I'm feeling great about it for a trauma survivor.

You're right, so many things could have happened. I've been thinking about a few things she mentioned about her own life, which sound extremely challenging. I keep going back and forth between feeling rejected and concerned for what's going on with her. Whatever it was, which realistically is none of my business, it is clearly important for her to be away from the house unexpectedly for an extended period of time. I just wish it was easier for me to accept that.

Thank you for complimenting my dinner. It's the first time I've made a dish like that, so I'm happy with it. Tonight I did even better with the presentation! I'm especially relieved and appreciated to hear you are glad about the pictures.

There are so few pictures on this forum. I completely understand why, but it leads to me feeling hesitant to share my own.

The positive feedback helps a lot though, so thank you again!

Jazzy

#48
Sanmagic:

Welcome to my journal! :)

Thank you, San! Yeah, I'm trying so hard to find some positives instead of getting stuck on the negative feelings. This may sound strange, but it has actually been therapeutic to feel hurt, then be able to handle it. I'm so proud of myself that I actually made most of what I planned, then ate it for myself! It was delicious! Of course I made much more than necessary, so now I have a great dinner for a few nights at least.

I believe you are exactly right; it's about trust in oneself. When you can trust that you'll make it through and be okay, it is easier, or at least possible, to do that.

Thank you for sharing this. I was just trying to be positive. I didn't realize there was so much more to it, but I am glad to learn from you. :)

I guess we both have something to reflect on now. That is wonderful! :cheer:

Thank you so much for your love, hug, and well wishes!


Update: I feel it is important to type this out more clearly for myself and anyone reading. The reason I said it is easier for me to learn when things don't go perfectly is because that disappointment is a cue (UPDATE: and motivation) for the mind to think of a way to avoid being disappointed again in the future, which hopefully leads to new ideas with improved results. When everything goes perfectly on the first try, there is not much of a reason for the mind to think on how to improve, because the results were so good. Being able to "handle" and process the disappointment and other emotions is a critical requirement for the process to work.

Jazzy

#49

Wow, this has been quite a weekend. There's far too much for me to write about right now, so I'll just cover some key points.

Sleeping was tough at first. I woke up 4 or 5 times during the first hour or so. Thankfully it got much better after that. I imagine it is because I did so much work/exercise during the day; I actually slept fairly well. I was awake at 4:30 this morning, which is too early for my liking but my mind and body wanted to get up.

Today I wrote my survivor's story. It was very emotional. I had to take a number of breaks, and cried quite a few times. It was extremely therapeutic though. I've done more healing this weekend than I have in a very long time. While it has been challenging, it has been extremely good for me.

After I finished writing, I took some time to listen to a song about being mistreated, then finding strength from that mistreatment in the end. I listened to it a number of times and cried for a while.

Eventually I had a late lunch and took a nap. I've spent most of the day trying to relax, going back and forth between feeling serious and calm.

I wish I had more time in the day. I'm getting a longer and longer list of things to write about here. There's also a lot of other things I want to get done; I have years of time to make up for! It's alright though. I'm going to take it easy tonight. I'm looking forward to getting out for a good walk early tomorrow morning!

--

This morning on my walk I took a new route, in order to walk further than I have been in the past. I saw an interesting building, which was very green. I also found a flower on an abandoned lot, which I brought home. I didn't feel too bad picking it, because it was already dying. When I brought it home, my cat was very curious, because it's not something I've done before.


    


Armadillo

Hey! Wow! That must have taken a lot out of you to write your survivor's story and is really brave to face that and to let yourself cry without shutting it out.

It really really does sound like you have years of time to make up for and that sounds really exciting!!!

Love the photo of that very green building and your cat checking out the flower. I once stole an entire plant from a downtown planter box. It was not being watered, was about 4 inches tall and almost dead. I planted it at home and it is lush and hip high. No guilt.  :bigwink:

rainydiary

Jazzy, I am glad you found some things that felt healing this weekend.  I have not heard of a survivor story and am intrigued to try that out. 

Not Alone

Jazzy,

You being aware that I haven't been around as much lately and that I've been having a hard time was like a warm hug to my heart. Thank you.

You did so much work this weekend: survivor's story, tears, song. I'm sure you needed that nap. It sounds like you are being kind to yourself in allowing yourself to try and relax after all that work. That's great.

sanmagic7

hey, jazzy,

wow!  i didn't realize i hadn't been part of your journal before this.  i just thought i'd been away for a long time.  well, no time like the present.

good to hear your sleep was ok after a rocky start.  love the flower!  i'm a flower child at heart, so flower pics hit me in a good place.  your kitty's curiosity is fun.

survival story, huh?  that takes incredible courage and determination, to my mind.  well done! :thumbup:

keep on keepin' on, my dear.  i think you're accomplishing a lot on many different levels.  love and hugs :hug:

Jazzy

Armadillo:

Thank you for your support and encouragement! I find it very helpful.  :thumbup:

I'm glad you nursed the plant back to health and took good care of it. That's awesome of you to do! It strikes me as a powerful, encouraging, and motivational story. It's so nice to hear those! :)

Jazzy

#55
RainyDiary:

Thank you for your empathy. :)

There are Survivor Stories here on OOTS! Click here for a direct link.

My story is still in the process of being published here. I've also posted it on my own website. My website isn't fully set up and configured yet, but it should work most of the time! Click here to read the story on my website.

I found it incredibly healing to write my story out to be published. It was the thing that finally allowed me to fully accept that I'm a normal person who lived through all of this mess, and that it is the fault of my parents and other childhood caregivers, not mine!

If you feel you are in a good place to start your own story, that sounds wonderful! It is certainly not easy though, so be ready. :)


Jazzy

#56
Notalone:

You're welcome. I'm glad that our interaction helped you feel better. That's wonderful for both of us!  :cheer:

Thank you for your support and encouragement. I'm working very hard to treat myself better, even when that means relaxing. Your positive feedback is very helpful for me to continue doing so! :)


P.S. "Pink" is difficult to read on this background, so I picked a brighter colour which stands out more. The exact spot I happened to click is called "Hot Magenta"; what an encouraging colour! The code is #FF26DB if you would like to use it yourself.  :thumbup:

Jazzy

Sanmagic:

You have posted in my previous journals before, which I appreciate. This particular journal is fairly new though. I also haven't been very welcoming in the past, so I was just making sure you, and everyone else, have been welcomed this time.

Thank you for your encouragement and kind words about the pictures and cat! That really helps make my day better, because it makes me feel valuable and appreciated. :)


I want to get some more flowers around the house, but I find it quite difficult to do gardening, so far. The plants can't tell me what is wrong, so I need to figure it all out myself. It will get better in time though. I'll get more flower pics for you. They are beautiful and special, like you and the rest of us.  :thumbup:

:hug:

CactusFlower

Jazzy: Love the pic of the kitty and flower!

This thought came to me: If you don't have the spoons for gardening, is there another way to get that beauty into the house? As an example, I love plants, but I only seem to have a green thumb if they're outdoors, LOL Indoors, it's not going to happen. So I ended up getting some nice fake peonies that look pretty realistic and keep them in a vase. Would decent quality fake flowers at least allow you to enjoy something pretty?  Just a random thought.

Jazzy

CactusFlower:

Thank you for your encouragement and positive feedback about the pictures, as well as your brilliant idea! :)

To be honest, I don't know what you mean by "spoons". I've seen you write that before as well, so I looked it up! This is what I found:

QuoteA spoon is an imaginary unit of energy used by people with illnesses and disabilities. These people use spoons to describe daily activites (sic) with a limited source of energy.

Is this what you mean by "have the spoons", or is it something different?

--

You make a very good point here:
QuoteI love plants, but I only seem to have a green thumb if they're outdoors, LOL Indoors, it's not going to happen.

I think my poor little aloe plant is suffering from lack of sunlight. My M told me they would be fine in the house, but she obviously isn't good at nourishing things. I read that they should get about 6 hours of sunlight a day, but it also important not to "shock" them with big changes... kind of like me! :) I'm working on getting it more sunlight now. Hopefully I can save it before it is too far gone.

I'm glad you found some nice peonies to help infuse your place with colours. I find that so helpful. It's a great idea, I love it!  :thumbup:

I did get a few fake tulips a while back because I really needed something. Unfortunately they were quite expensive, because I had to order them online due to lockdown. Now I can go get some cheaper ones though, so I can get a lot more colour with hurting my budget too much! Yay!  :cheer:

Here's what I have for my television so far. Do you have any recommendations that would look better? I can swap out some of the tulips for something else. Sorry it's not the best picture, but taking a good picture inside with my phone camera is extremely challenging; at least it's honest. :)