Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

[TW: Anger]? I don't even know what's going on right now.

--

Thank you Armadillo and Hope. I'll give you a better reply later, when I'm in a better place to do so.

Armadillo, they forced me to switch in jr. kindergarten when I was 3-4 years old. They wouldn't let me write with my left hand, then said I may be developmentally delayed because I couldn't draw my letters very well... with my right hand.

Excuse me, but what the actual *?! I'd LOVE to see them try to draw letters well with their non-dominant hand at 4 years old.

A year later I was reading upside down, in French... I'm sure I can learn fine.

I can't believe this. How... literally, how does this kind of thing happen in society today? I'm so angry right now. Actually, not nearly as angry as I have been in the past. I think this is what healthy anger is like? It's my first time. I guess I'm further behind than some of you in this aspect, but that's alright. I'm getting there!

I literally can't understand this right now. Years of mental anguish and torture. My entire childhood. ... and like, oh this is fine? Just do your best in society, maybe see a psychiatrist. It'll be okay? No wonder I've never been able to look after myself, when "everyone" has this kind of attitude!

I've always wondered if this counted as "criminal neglect". Now, I'm pretty sure... and if it doesn't, I don't even care. It is.

I don't even have words. I just blocked and deleted "W" from my phone and social media. I suspect I've only kept her around this long, because I felt like I needed anyone, just to survive.

I don't now. I can make it on my own, no matter how difficult it gets.

I've always known she was extremely disillusion, but I didn't realize I was too. I can't believe "this" has been in my life so long. No wonder I could never heal before.

[Jazzy]

About a minute after my last post, the album I was playing had ended. It was an album I put on because it was good for working out to. It is extremely loud, powerful, and motivating. It is also an album I listed to daily when I was younger. It is what kept me going. I expect it kept me alive. I'm not surprised it triggered such a reaction in me; I'm glad.

When the album ended, I went to start playing it again. I used to just listen to this for hours on end... but I realized I didn't need to. I wasn't angry any more. I felt what I needed to feel, I took action based on those feelings to improve my life, and now I was ready to carry on with my day.

I had so much energy though, and a lot of hatred still. I put my favourite motivational song on, and went out and just ran. I did about a block and a half (UPDATE: Square block and a half, which is about 6 straight blocks) at a full run. It wasn't quite a sprint, but it was a powerful run, using all of my leg muscles. I had to slow down to take the corners, and weave back and forth between people who were out strolling. Don't worry, I gave them lots of space!

Well, I burned that energy off... and it felt great. Now it's time to cook dinner.

I'll be doing this again. At least the running. 

I still have some thinking, feeling, and processing to do. I'm good enough for now though. 

[Armadillo]

Yes!!!! This is super healthy anger and yes!!!!! It WAS criminal neglect. Even JUST the part about leaving you to homeschool yourself would have been illegal, J.

Good job with letting the anger come and move through you, good job running the rest off, good job getting to the grocery store!!!! (WHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?)

Is W your wife? I wish you all the luck in surrounding yourself with people who will lift you up, not break you down.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo,

Your encouragement means the world to me! Again, I'll get you a better reply soon. I'm processing a lot right now though, and need some time.

Quick answers:

W is "the witch who raised me", though I can call her mother again now that she's been deleted from my life. Wow, it's amazing how quickly things become easier when I take action to deal with them.

--

It's interesting you should mention surrounding myself with people who lift me up, not break me down.

I keep thinking about the neighbour a lot, and after reading that it has been coming up much more. I don't think there's a lot I should do, but I hope and believe that writing about it will help, instead of continuing to keep it to myself.

I'm not sure how "romantic" this evening was supposed to be, but her asking to come over for a backyard fire on the weekend when her kids weren't home sounds like a pretty strong signal to me; especially after telling me about how she has "been divorced for about a year now, so...".

Regardless, on Thursday I asked her if she wanted to come over for a fire on the weekend. It seemed like a pretty safe bet, given she already expressed she wanted to. When she agreed, I asked if she wanted to make dinner of it, which she also agreed to. I asked her if Saturday worked for her, and she said "Yeah, I'll be home."

As I've already mentioned, she was gone from Friday night until Monday morning. On Monday she is home with some guy I've never seen before, and they're having a camp out in their back yard. He's been there more nights than not so far this week.  It's been extremely difficult to hear them (our houses share a driveway, so we're really close) every day, and I haven't wanted to be out in the yard because of it. While we've both been out in the yard a few times, she hasn't spoken a word to me.

It really hurt to be rejected and replaced so quickly like that, but I've done my best to use it as motivation instead of discouragement. I thought I was doing great when I ran in to him at 6:30 in the morning the other day and said "hello" on my way out for a jog.

However after everything that happened today, I realize that she is treating me exactly like my mother. She abandoned and is neglecting me, running after the latest "greatest" thing, instead of investing a bit of time and effort in to building the relationship which already started. It's still not easy, but looking at it like that, I'm glad she too is no longer in my life. I'm also really thankful that it happened so early. It would have been much more painful if more of a relationship, even a friendship, had developed.

It's also good that I can focus on myself fully again. I think I'm "okay" to start a relationship right now, but I'd rather be a lot better than okay. It turns out I still have more to process / deal with than I thought. It's good that I have extra time for that. I think starting something as "more than friends" right now would not be in my best interest, as nice as it may be.

Even though it hurt and it is still challenging, there's a lot of positive in the situation. I've taken a number of notes about red flags to watch out for in the future, as well as making a note about getting to know someone better before even considering something more serious.

I've also made a note of how important it is to take care of myself first, and not change my routines because I want to impress someone. Further, I noted that it is important to look for qualities in a person that I really want.

I was thinking "she's out of my league", because she has more money, looks nicer, works hard, has two good kids, and generally seems to have her life together more than I do, though that last one is quickly changing. However I certainly don't want someone that will drop everyone and run off with the newest person who seems a little better right now, especially without the curtesy of a notification, never mind anything more friendly or personable.

That kind of behaviour is unacceptable to me, and I really need to focus on keeping it out of my life.

Honestly, I don't think it could have gone better. Any sort of relationship with her as she is now either wouldn't last, or would be very damaging. I was hurt, but not too much, and very quickly. I also recovered quickly, and learned a lot in the process.

This may sound very self-centered; I'm certainly not used to saying it, never mind believing it, but it really is her loss.

[Jazzy]

WHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?

This is the million dollar question. I've been thinking on how to answer it well because I think it is extremely important. While everyone is unique, I strongly hope I can provide some assistance to others.

But it just occurred to me that it may be rhetorical. I have a lot of things planned to write out, which I hope will be helpful to others, but I don't want to prioritize a rhetorical question.

All that to say: is this question literal or rhetorical? I think I'm getting better at figuring it out, but text only is difficult. There's no body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. etc.

Either way is fine. It will eventually get an answer, it is just a matter of when.

Right now I need to finish the dishes and sleep. I'm tired, but not exhausted; still positive! 

[Armadillo]

I think you should answer it when and if and how you want to! But I'll share what I was thinking Jazzy and hope it doesn't hit wrong, or offend you or anyone else.

I was really amazed to read that you went into a real grocery store for the first time in 10 years. I am amazed that in one way your symptoms are so debilitating that you haven't been able to go to a real store for that long. And on the other hand...and this is what I meant...that you are somehow able to make so much progress - all on your own, without therapy, without a huge support system - that you can just do that and everything else you are doing. By sheer strength and conviction in yourself and to be such a big support to others while working these miracles for yourself. So I suppose it was a bit of both...rhetorical disbelief but also real curiosity that you possess that within yourself. And you don't need to respond at all, unless you want to, and you get to respond however you want.

And I am very sorry about how hurtful your neighbor's behavior has been over the past week. That says only things about her and not you at all. And I feel a bit of motherly protection toward you I suppose and I am glad that you did not end up involved with someone who would so readily hurt others with her inability to consider how others feel.

[Libby183]

Hello again, Jazzy.

We talked a little in the past. Probably near the start of your time on OOTS. I remember how kind and compassionate you were.

Having just discovered and read your story describing everything that has happened to you, I just wanted to say how inspirational it was.

So good that you are still here, achieving so much, and thank you for telling your story.

[Jazzy]

Hello, Libby!

Welcome to my journal!

How have you been? I fondly remember talking to you a while ago. I was a bit sad when you left, though it is quite alright for you to do so. I have left and come back a few times myself. I've thought of you a number of times.

Thank you so much for your kind words here. I'm not used to being called inspirational... it reminds me of the first year of kindergarten, before most of the mess. That means so much to me. As great as it is to feel better, sleep better, have more energy, etc. it means so much more to be able to inspire others.


The old saying about how there are two kinds of people: one who climbs on top of others to get ahead, and one who pulls everyone else up with them, has always been very powerful to me. It's really important to me to be the latter kind of person. Not only does it feel better, but it has better results. I find that social interaction works like a web or a net; everyone is connected together by one strand.

When I'm feeling down, I weigh on the others I'm connected to. When there's only a few connections it puts a lot of stress on them, and pulls those few people down a lot. When there are more connections, everyone gets pulled down less. The opposite is true too though. When I'm feeling better, I can help pull (or at least hold) all of the other connections up.

But as life goes on, there are always moments of ups and downs. If I cut all my connections when I'm up because "I don't need them" (which to me is stepping on people to get ahead), not only will I not be pulling them up, but I will have no connections to help lift me up when it is my turn to feel down.

--

The point is, you're welcome. It's been good for me too, so I'm happy to do it. Thank you for being here too, and I hope to see you around more, if that is good for you.    if you would like.

UPDATE: Thank you for saying it is inspirational. That is an example of turning all of those horrible things in to a positive outcome, and that is exactly what I want to come from it. I'm so glad to see it is happening!!!

[Jazzy]

Something that has been bothering me, and has always bothered me throughout the years is how upsetting being exploited was.

No one seems to comment on it, and I don't know why. Maybe the reality of it doesn't sink in, or maybe it is more common than I think. I don't mean to guilt anyone, I'm just trying to share my feelings. It would be helpful to have this acknowledged.

Being exploited as a child laborer, made possible by being kept out of the school system, really upsets me.

I know this happens in "third world countries" still today, and that is completely unacceptable to me, but I'm shocked it happened to me here in Canada.

It's not like there was no way for anyone to know either. Eventually I went back for those last few years of high school. Surely questions must have been asked about why I was so far behind in my education?!

I guess everyone ignored it and just didn't want to get involved. Just pretend it didn't happen and hope for the best. No one even asked me, though. They just threw me in to the crowd and treated me like everyone else. There's been so much neglect in my life, from so many people.

It reminds me of a quote. I know it from a movie, but I expect it has an older origin, but here it is:
All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing.

Of course it should be "people", not "men"... but I imagine it's an older quote. 

I just checked quickly, and it's from Edmund Burke I don't know who he is THANKS MOM (sarcasm), but he has a number of good quotes listed!

[Jazzy]

Okay, I'm going back and doing some better replies now that I have gotten some sleep.

Amadillo:

Wow, thank you Armadillo! Anger has never felt "good and pure" to me before, but I see now why you say that. Anger was so powerful and dangerous before. It would consume me in rage. I would get so angry I would visibly shake with tremors from adrenaline overdose. I've built up an incredible amount of willpower, and it took all I had to control that. It only "snapped" once, thankfully it was contained by my father.

Now it's different though. It does feel good to be angry at being treated so horribly, and I can channel that in to productive exercise, using my willpower to help improve the condition of my body instead of using it to stop myself from causing damage and pain.

You're absolutely right about how it is more complicated when religion and mental illness is involved. While I feel bad she is mentally ill, I have been too... and she made me that way. I truly hope she heals, but I can't be the one to help her, at least right now.

It's so wonderful that you've found a big transformation and relief in those realizations.  I'm still figuring out what's going on with me on this topic. It hasn't even been a day yet, but it's been great so far!

Thank you for your extremely encouraging reaction to my progress on using my left hand more. That positivity is so helpful! 

Thank you for sharing about your experience with your mother. It helps me feel encouraged and less lonely in going through this new reality. Thank you for your question of how old I was when they forced me to switch hands. That was the positive trigger I needed to make all the positive changes yesterday.

[Jazzy]

Hope:

Hello Hope 

Welcome to my journal! 

Which colour do you prefer for your name? It can be any colour you like! 

Thank you for reading my story. It means so much to me that you invested that time to learn about me. It means even more that it was thought provoking for you. I hope it leads to some healing for you as well. 

Thank you for your hug and acknowledging what I have been through. Thank you for the smile you put by your name too. I have always liked that, and it encourages me to use more emoticons. 

[Jazzy]

Armadillo:

Thank you for your positivity and encouragement! I love all the exclamation points!!! 

Thank you for confirming it was criminal. I've never cared much about the law. I have always had a strong sense of right and wrong, based on what I believe and feel instead of what I'm told. So it is powerful to hear that it is bad enough to be considered illegal. The police have never helped me, so it means a lot if they should have.

Thank you for your continued encouragement. I like all the good jobs. I really like how you said it three times, not just one time to cover three things. That may seem like a little thing, but it has a big impact to me.

[Jazzy]

Armadillo:

Thank you so much! This is such a wonderful post! (it is quoted at the bottom of this message for clarity)   

Yeah. I find that so many people label things because it makes it easier to accept, then don't change it because they have now accepted and labelled it. In this case, my psychiatrist said I had "agoraphobia", and prescribed me sedatives to help try to manage it a bit. It's better than nothing, but not what I needed.... and that response is really not acceptable to me. I believe that if someone is so debilitated that they cannot even leave their house to buy groceries, then a serious intervention is required.

I didn't quite do it all on my own. My brother (my sister's husband) has taken me to a real grocery store 4 or 5 times, and he has been so helpful. He didn't need to, but he chose to act as a father figure to help me along, and I appreciate that so much. I also have you and the others here to encourage and support me. It's not a huge system, no. It would be easier with more. I'm used to doing a lot with a little though, it's all I've known. While that is sad, I'm grateful for the opportunities it provides, and how much I am making of those opportunities.

I'm trying not to brag too much, but I do have a lot of strength, determination, and conviction. I have always had it... it was just difficult to access for a while because I was so mentally unhealthy. For most of my life, no one has seen it. Partly because I've hid, but also because I had to focus so much of it internally. Now that I can focus it externally, I am seeing tremendous healing and growth in my physical body as well. I don't need to measure my body any more, not only because I'm no longer desperate, but also because I can visibly see the improvement.

Thank you so much for your kind message about what has happened with the neighbour this week. Everything you've written is so helpful and encouraging. I appreciate that "motherly protection". I've certainly never had it in a healthy way before.  

Thank you for making time to share what you were thinking in more detail. It did not hit wrong or offend me at all. It was great! 

--

I think you should answer it when and if and how you want to! But I'll share what I was thinking Jazzy and hope it doesn't hit wrong, or offend you or anyone else.

I was really amazed to read that you went into a real grocery store for the first time in 10 years. I am amazed that in one way your symptoms are so debilitating that you haven't been able to go to a real store for that long. And on the other hand...and this is what I meant...that you are somehow able to make so much progress - all on your own, without therapy, without a huge support system - that you can just do that and everything else you are doing. By sheer strength and conviction in yourself and to be such a big support to others while working these miracles for yourself. So I suppose it was a bit of both...rhetorical disbelief but also real curiosity that you possess that within yourself. And you don't need to respond at all, unless you want to, and you get to respond however you want.

And I am very sorry about how hurtful your neighbor's behavior has been over the past week. That says only things about her and not you at all. And I feel a bit of motherly protection toward you I suppose and I am glad that you did not end up involved with someone who would so readily hurt others with her inability to consider how others feel.

[Jazzy]

[TW: Suicide]

WHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?

This is too important to me not to reply now. While I really appreciate doing so well, it is very important to me to share what I've found helpful in hopes it will help others too.

While I will go in to more detail later, here are some brief points which I find to be crucial, not in order of importance:

• Emotional Decisions and Encouragement
• Music
• Little Feelings
• Take and Review Notes
• Pros and Cons
• Self Encouragement
• One More Little Step
• Determination and Perseverance

Emotional Decisions and Encouragement
A big part of healing for me is to embrace my emotions, instead of shutting them out and using only logic. This has helped me make better decisions which helps me do better at everything.

Examples:

• Deciding to wear shorts when I'm hot, instead of when the temperature is above 20 degrees (68 F).
• Jogging until my muscles gently burn, instead of for X amount of steps or "until the end of the next street".

Music
Music is so powerful!!!!

I fully believe that music has kept me from killing myself. The worst times were when I didn't have music in my life, and the best times are when I do. I don't expect that many people will appreciate my particular choice of music, but that's fine. I listen to what makes me feel good, whichever kind of "good" I need at the time.

Recently I've had music playing from about 5am until around 12am. I keep it quiet enough not to disturb others, and wear headphones/ear buds when appropriate. It is too good for me not to have in my life right now.

Little Feelings
My feelings and instincts are so gentle, like little whispers. I'm used to dealing with feelings that have been so crushing and overwhelming that I've needed to put a lot of effort in to learning to recognize those gentle feelings. Part of what I have learned is that little feelings are massively important. It is fairly simple to deal with them when they are little, but if I don't, they won't stay little. Every little thing matters. I stop and take a moment to feel, acknowledge, think and act on those little whispers as often as I can.

Take and Review Notes
Thoughts, even little thoughts, are incredibly important too. So many good ideas are lost because they are pushed aside instead of given the time and attention they deserve. Of course I can't drop everything and give every idea time and attention immediately, so I write them down and review them later. Reviewing them properly lets me make a good decision in order to pursue or discard them.

Pros and Cons
"Pros and Cons" is a really great system! I've always liked it, even though no one ever taught me to use it properly. I figured out that the point isn't to list pros and cons in order to see if a choice has more pros than cons, or which choice has the most pros and least cons. The point is to understand the situation before getting involved in it, and being sure that the specific pros will provide enough positivity to allow me to "handle" the specific cons. It doesn't matter what or how many pros and cons there are, it matters if I can "handle" them.

Self Encouragement
Self encouragement is so massively important!

I started here. Most people have a big support network of encouraging family and friends to help them along. I don't have that, so I had to be my own. I try to be my own cheer leader. After some practice I combine this with the point (mentioned previously) about how little things are so important. Every little positive thing I do gets big encouragement from me. Every spark of inspiration (new idea), every thing I notice I do well, and even when I notice I'm not doing something well, I encourage myself that I noticed and improved it.

Years ago when I worked in the office, my best friend had a habit of saying "Yeah buddy!" when something was agreeable to him. The more he liked it, the longer he would draw out that "Yeah buddy!". I think that is awesome to take a few seconds to appreciate positivity like that. I like it so much that I've decided to adopt it for myself. Recently I've been walking around all day listening/singing to music and saying "YEEEEEAAAAAH BUUUDDY! to myself.

One More Little Step
I wrote about this a bit in my story. When I feel comfortable, I take one more little step. It's great to feel comfortable for a moment, but it feels better to be continuously improving.

Determination and Perseverance
This ties in to the previous point. I've been through so much, we all have. Determination and perseverance has gotten us through to where we are today. After healing so much with helps from the previous points, I now focus that determination and perseverance in to my "one more little step" in order to keep improving. The great thing is that I don't need nearly as much determination and perseverance to continue growing as I did just to survive in the past.

I've been through *, I have more than enough determination and perseverance for "one more little step" 


--

That's all for now, more later! Hopefully this is helpful. 

I know I've written a lot today so far. I'm sorry if anyone feels overwhelmed by it. Please take the time you need to appreciate everything.

[Jazzy]

I had a great day today with my brother (my sister and her husband)!

We had planned to spend some time together today last weekend. Today I got a message from my sister saying they might be late because they were having difficulty with their daughter. I expected them not to come at all, given how it is father's day and there was already daughter trouble.

However they arrived right on time as originally planned. He was clearly hurting a lot though. I asked my sister if he needed a hug or alone time and she said she didn't know, she was just trying to keep him occupied.

I tried to be extra positive despite his totally understandably bad mood, and I was glad to see him slowly starting to feel better. I remember from a while ago I learned that people enjoy talking about things that make them happy. Which seems really obvious, but I only learned recently. Working with this, every once in a while I would ask him a question about cooking, as he's a chef and that is his passion. That worked really well! It helped him feel better, and helped me learn about how to make better meals!

At the store I met an extremely positive woman. I've been really positive myself lately, but wow! It seems extra positive is her daily routine. It was so wonderful! After she helped me out, I said thank you, and she said "alright!" There was something about the way she said it though, and I recognized it was like my "Yeah Buddy!". So I repeated it after her with a big smile... "Alright!"

Apparently that little thing absolutely made her day, because she was barely 5 steps away from me and started singing while she went back to work, and was visibly happier and warmer with the other people. I even exclaimed to my sister "Wow, she is happy!"

That's great inspiration! I want to be like that more. I'm doing well in the privacy of my own house, but I still need to practice on being more positive around others in public.

When we got back to my place, I made them a nice snack: dessert tea and cherries with homemade chocolate drizzle. Afterwards we went outside to play and get some exercise.

After a while we came back in and talked about cooking more. By this point he was feeling so much better, and happily shared quite a few details to help me out. I was very grateful and took notes while he talked. I'm looking forward to putting his advice in to practice.

He agreed to try a vegetarian cream sauce (almond milk base) I had been struggling with in order to offer some advice. I was quite discouraged with and told him it was bad. However he was confident to try it anyway, and took it right out of my hands. I told him the spoons were to his left, and he turned to his right to start washing his hands.

He explained he was washing his hands because he tastes by dipping his pinky finger in the sauce to taste it. I know this is what you do in a professional scenario, because the metal spoon will influence the taste, but your own finger is so natural to you it has much less of an impact. I felt so incredibly respected by this. Here I was telling him I did a poor job, and he was treating it like it was some artistic piece of work in a professional kitchen!

His review was so positive too! He tested a number of things such as consistency and how much it was cooked, as well as the taste. He said everything is good, but he would have used a bit more of certain flavours. I understood this to mean the rosemary was somewhat overpowering the other flavours, to which he agreed.

I told him it seemed too runny to me and I wasn't happy with it. I was confused why he said the consistency was good when it was obviously wrong to me. Again he said it was fine, and explained how to test it and explained the results saying it was good.

Based on this, I realized my understanding of what a cream sauce is, was wrong. I asked him to confirm and he said yes. Cream sauces like that are not always supposed to be thick and rich, especially not when they are made with almond milk.

While the rosemary is still too strong in the sauce for my liking, I am much happier with it now. I wasn't planning to eat it before, but I will now. I think it is very powerful that the sauce didn't change at all, but my understanding of it did, which is what made such a difference.

I also think it is very powerful how I was able to invest some time and energy in to helping improve his mood, and within only a few hours, he was able to turn around and help improve how I felt about my efforts and work. That's the kind of life I want to live from now on, and I'm encouraged that I succeeded at it today.

This evening I took a nap, as I have been doing recently. While I was napping, the text alert on my phone rang, which woke me right up. I was afraid and upset upon hearing it. ICr and the catastrophic thinking kicked in. I was wondering who it was and what was wrong i.e. who I had upset.

I tried not to rush to check it but to take my time waking up. That didn't last long though because I was scared. I braced myself mentally and checked the phone. It was just the automated notification about my bill this month!

I relaxed and laid back down for a bit. Not long after my text alert went off again. Immediately ICR and catastrophic thinking was back! Now who had I upset?! I checked it quicker this time, and it was my sister thanking me for helping keep my brother occupied today and complimenting my food. I was quite relieved and gave her a good, positive reply.

It immediately hit me how powerful that was though. I had such a good day! I saw so much positivity, I got lots of exercise, I had good social exercises, I was rested and relaxed, but one little sound still triggered me.

My history with negative social interactions must be so much worse than I thought. When I stop and think about it and re-read my story, of course, this makes sense... but it's so easy to not grasp the reality of everything, even though I'm the one that went through it all. It's the mind protecting itself, I think, but it is challenging to work through it all when it doesn't feel real.

I still have a long way to go with in-person (and text) social interaction, but I am making good progress. I think I'm going to go back to the store on my own in a few days and hope to run in to the positive woman again. Having that kind of positivity in my life from another person, if only briefly, is so helpful.

I think part of the reason the text bothered me so much is that the only person who has texted me for years has been M. Even though I blocked her number, I'm sure my emotional and subconscious mind still have a strong association to texting and M; understandably so.

I changed my text alert sound in hopes it will help with the trigger. At least it won't be the exact same sound that meant M was contacting me again. I'm not happy she ruined that sound for me though, as it is one of my favourites on the default list of available sounds. Hopefully I will be able to use it in the future after some time has passed and I heal more.